The School Year is Starting . . . Whatever that means!

Anxiety and worry . . . .

I’ve been talking to so many parents and in turns they are - freaking out, anxious, scared, caught between a few seemingly bad decisions. Sound familiar?

You are not alone! Together we can support each other, share ideas and come up with solutions to meet the challenges of this year with as much positivity, mutual respect and grace we can muster.

Here’s some typical questions/comments:

• My teen sons have xboxes in their room with their school computers, is this ok?

• I get distracted throughout my work day with laundry, questions, interruptions from kids. How can I stay focused to work?

• My kids are complaining I’m always working, they wait until I can serve them food even though they are totally capable.

• I don’t know the right thing to do, my neighbors are letting their kids do things I’m not comfortable with.

I’ve uncovered 4 main problem areas parents keep bumping against and a variety of ways to solve them.

4 Problem Areas

1. Space / Organization Problems: These usually have a fix we can accomplish by purchasing supplies, moving furniture, or de-cluttering.

2. Time Problem: These fixes come from time management strategies that help us focus our energy, productivity and relaxation time.

3. Relationship Problems: We address these with tried and true parenting tools, empathy, listening and limits.

4. Pandemic Problems: These are the big over arching things like fear, instability, the unknown and while we can’t change the pandemic we can mitigate it’s impact on our family.

Set Yourself Up For Success!

School and work at home is hard, we can do hard things.

Work and school at home is happening for most of us. We learned a lot this past spring, and now’s the time to set ourselves up for success for the upcoming year. Here’s a short listicle of ways that parenting and organizing can mesh to make our home/work/learning space our ally in this era of the pandemic.

1. Lighting: Most of us underestimate the power of lighting and how it helps us to stay focused. Think natural light first - can we get access to it, is it possible? If no, invest in a task light for each desk. (Here’s a cute one to get you started!)

2. Big trash/recycling can. You’d be amazed at how chintzy people are with their receptacles and the power and opening of energy when you allow yourself to have a big, ample recycling or trash bin right at your feet. You don’t have to get up, scoot or swivel to pitch something.

3. The power of the reboot. If I could wave my magic wand I’d ask that you fall in love with the reboot. That means at the close of most days you put all your supplies away, tidy and pitch, look at tomorrow and stage your learning areas. Do this with your kids. When you end your day you are really starting tomorrow. It’s your chance to begin tomorrow positive, in control and with “I am capable” thoughts and feelings.

4. Make time and space for strong feelings. Despair, anxiety, overwhelm, anger, and disappointment all take time and space to process.When planning your day and your space, try to make room for strong feelings and create a peaceful area where everyone can re-group.

5. Ask for your kid’s input, consider it and execute some of it. Kid’s love to problem solve, especially if you really let them brainstorm with sticky notes, the coveted sharpie, and no critical comments. I think sometimes we are afraid of asking our kid’s opinion because then we feel obliged to do what they say. Not true, we only must consider what they say and be open to trying some of their solutions. It’s gonna be a long Fall, might as well get as many people problem solving as possible.

6. Make time for regular physical movement throughout the day. I like the Pomodoro Method (here’s an explanation). Work in four 25 minute chunks with a 5 minute break. Then reward yourself with physical movement for the next 25. Think of not too horrendous chores, a dance party, a walk around the block, a game of twister. Exercise releases chemicals in our brain that helps us focus and elevates our mood when it’s time to get back to work.

2 Underused Energy Sources

Dip into a pool of peace, at least a few times a day. . .

I’m here racking my brains on how to help us all generate positive feelings, at least for part of the day. Walking with a friend one early morning she shared feelings of overwhelm, anxiety and upset. She was in a pit of despair. After sharing a bit, she tried to heave herself out of that pit of despair up to silver linings. The was too big and unrealistic a step in our current world/news cycle. When the steps are too big we get discouraged, and usually give up on positive feelings. Feeling bad is so tiring and defeating. I offer these 2 tools that might get us up out of the pit of despair and at least one hand into a tiny pool of peace. Even for part of the day, or afternoon, or hour. These ideas are cheap/free. Might not work, BUT have no detrimental side effects.

1. Mindfulness: Just coming back to the present moment can be an energy source. This is NOT easy, and the more we practice the better we get. When I start thinking about my fear, grief, and anxiety I notice my chest feels tight, I’m living on my tippy toes, my thoughts are all squeezing into that third eye trying to figure it out. When I notice and accept my feelings and I focus on my tight heart, my tense legs, my furrowed brow - I get out of my head and into my body. Once I’m in my body, feeling the sensations I have a better chance of letting them pass. I’ve come to see my emotional life, my kid’s emotional life as a roller coaster. No one gets hurt on a roller coaster if you stay on the ride!

TOOLS:Headspace is a meditation app that is offering free meditations and content. Tara Brach is a meditation teacher who has a beautiful podcast. I hosted a PEP (Parent Encouragement Program) webinar on Mindful Parenting complete with practices to try in the moment.

2. Declutter: As a professional organizer I have seen (and experienced) so many, many, MANY times where releasing our clutter opens up positive energy. Our environment impacts our mental well being, our ability to get tasks done, and cuts down on the nagging kids to clean up. Decluttering is not figuring it all out, or doing a whole home renovation or changing our personality. Decluttering is as simple as looking at your desk, starting on the left side, sorting things to pitch/recycle, doesn’t belong here, needs action and reference. When we are feeling low we can look at a desk, a shelf, a small closet and just start decluttering. Then the rest if the day when we pass that desk, shelf, small closet - just notice if there isn’t a little spring in our step.

TOOLS: Getting started can be the hardest part, check out this quick post on sorting: Sorting 101 Blog, Soul & Wit podcast about Tiny Decluttering Projects (I got my medicine shelf cleaned out in 15 minutes - oh how easy to find a bandaid now).

5 Ways to Stay Encouraged

Ennui….

The bad news cycle, the unknown, the disruption, the demands are all taking a toll on parents. I’m getting more emails and calls about despair, hopelessness and bewilderment. And as parents we simply have to keep going - no options. What fuel can we use when we have lost most of our ability to plan for a ‘normal’ summer or school year next year?

I thumbed through my highlighted and dog eared books and came up with Encouragement! Encouragement isn’t silver linings or positive thinking, but encouragement is a tool kit we can fall back on again and again - in good times and in bad. Who needs encouragement more than parents who are in the trenches, day by day, minute by minute saving the world by socially distancing, quarantining and raising, educating, entertaining and loving our kids. (All while holding down a job or two!)

1. See What’s Right: Look for the teeniest of things. A sibling being nice to a sibling (even for a nano-second). A bed being made-ish. Outside play with the hose that keeps kids occupied for 27 minutes, and tired when they come inside. I need to be reminded regularly that our attitude is built on a foundation like a house. And if the foundation is deeply negative or pessimistic we have built a weak foundation.
   

2. Tend to your nervous system. Our nervous systems are in overdrive. With good reason. We can’t change current events but we can change ourselves. That means focusing on things like eating regularly throughout the day. Eating food that keeps us calm - proteins, vegetables and whole grains, lots of water. Minimizing foods that activate an anxiety response - sugar, caffeine, alcohol. Focus on sleep hygiene, we can’t make ourselves sleep, but we can induce it. An hour before bed turn power down devices, turn the lights down low. Wake up at the same time every morning, this activates your sleep drive more then going to bed at the same time. Having a strategy for WHEN the 3am worries keep you awake. I keep my kindle near by to read in bed, my husband turns on New Age music.
   

3. Notice Improvement: 1% better is better. Keep expectations in line with your reality and nudge up your improvements in such small increments that you hardly feel it. This is a way to trick our brain into change (the brain does NOT like change).
   

4. Mistakes are part of this whole kit and caboodle. Sometimes we yell at our kids, sometimes we spend too much time moping, or wishing this pandemic wasn’t happening. Then to 'motivate’ ourselves we berate ourselves (or our kids) and speak meanly to everyone. Instead, imagine if mistakes did not make us smaller, or less valuable? What if mistakes were just part of the journey, and not something to be stopped at all costs? I love this quote by Rudolf Dreikurs.

   “If we do not allow ourselves to be discouraged, ashamed, or humiliated, we may use our resources to correct our errors, sometimes with better result than if all had gone well from the start.”

5. Contribution. Allowing everyone in the family to contribute is so encouraging. Kids will often do tasks more slowly, less efficiently, with more mess and that’s a small price to pay for them to be encouraged. Expand your idea of contribution - it doesn’t have to use mean chores. What about a sunny disposition, or the speed of forgiveness kids’ seem to naturally have. Notice, notice, notice all the funny, hilarious, wise and new things kids bring into your life and let that contribution soak in.

We feel overwhelmed, angry, at a loss because this is actually very, very, very hard.

PS You can now search my blogs for topics . . . http://balancingactllc.net/blog - need help with chores, or anger, or sibling fighting . . . check it out!

Podcast - The Importance of Family Fun During These Times

Remembering to have fun can actually lighten your load, reduce your anxiety and increase cooperation.

Check out this podcast where fellow PEP (Parenting Encouragement Program) Leader, Robbye Fox and I discuss how important and beneficial fun and a sense of humor are to our families.

Description: Parks closed. Camps and activities cancelled. Play dates unavailable. Where's the fun? And why should my kids be having fun when they're not giving their schoolwork the attention it deserves or helping around the house? The fact is fun is an antidote to the anxiety all family members may be feeling during a pandemic. Join Certified Parent Educator and Professional organizer Paige Trevor as she shares with host Robbye Fox why incorporating fun into the day is important in increasing family connection and cooperation. 

Support the show (http://www.PEPparent.org)

What Do I do?

George Floyd protests in Uptown Charlotte, 5/30/2020 Unsplash (IG: @clay.banks)

What do we say as tragedy after tragedy unfolds? We parents must paradoxically be strong and knowing for our kids — while at the same time sorting through our own feelings of anger, fear, outrage, shock, and sadness just to name a few. How do we do this? 

While searching for something appropriate to say, I went to my roots of Adlerian Psychology for inspiration. Adlerian Psychology is based on social equality for all, regardless of age, race, income level, ability, or education. We all are entitled to dignity, respect and the freedom to choose our thoughts and actions.

As parents, what can we do?

• Ask questions before giving kids information. “What do you know? What have you heard?” When we give kids a chance to talk before we do we can get a sense of what they know. We can learn what they might be anxious about. We want to refrain from overloading them with facts and thoughts they may not be ready for.

• Sometimes the overwhelm makes us retreat, be silent, and stop taking action. Remember to rest, but don’t quit making change for social justice. Honor the resting and when your resilience is built up again take an action that stands for equality, respect and dignity for all.

• Admire your kids for their convictions. Kids have an innate sense of justice. Be inspired by their passion and vigor and questions. They are the future, help them believe that they are capable of making real and sustainable change.

• Keep the conversations going, for the long haul. Conversations promote new thinking and understanding. Model to your kids how we can converse, disagree, clarify, understand, and keep conversing. A big part of conversation is simply (not easily) listening. And now is a time for us to listen to each other.

• Search for your inspiration to keep you optimistic. I returned to the teachings of Alfred Adler who taught democratic living and parenting. Our kids lives and beliefs will be infused with our parenting style, let ours be truly democratic where we all are equals, treat each other with mutual respect and expect and uphold each other’s dignity. “Everything can always be different.”

Decluttering as a Parenting Tool?

These are all underused parenting tools! We often reach for nagging, reminding, being disappointed or rescuing, Instead, imagine if we regularly used anyone of these as tools to help our family grow and thrive?

Think about it, if we de-cluttered our houses and our calendar how many parenting problems would solve themselves?

The magical art of tidying up is truly magical in a family setting. De-clutter the kids room and, bada-boo-bada-bing, they can clean it up themselves in under 15 minutes (they won’t all the time, but they CAN!).

De-clutter our calendar and when (NOT if) it takes our four-year old forever to walk to the car we can handle it, we can enjoy it, we can embrace it.

I know none of us has time, HOWEVER, meditation can help declutter your brain and emotions. Think of avoiding even just 10% of your negative spirals.  Headspace is what I use and I think it slowly, tortoise like, has altered my brain. Not instant, not earth shattering, but noticeable and meaningful.

Next time you are in a parenting pickle give your brain a rest and clean out your closet. Throw out all the yucky hangers, take out the half torn dry cleaning bags, pitch all the clothes that are stained and don’t fit you or make you feel bad about yourself.  I can practically GUARANTEE a new, interesting and innovative parenting solution will bubble up from the process.

3 Ways to Get Kids to Help Around the House

It’s possible to get some cheerful cooperation.

1. Be a better boss: Think about it, are we demanding, terse ordering and always seeing what they did wrong. Try being encouraging, noticing what is right, appreciating effort. If you ask if they can help you, be willing to accept a no. If it’s not optional phrase it as, “The dishwasher may be emptied now.”

2. Accept their contribution first. Let them do a task at their age level and experience level a few times. After they have done the chore a few times then you can start molding and improving.

3. Declutter, simplify and streamline. Sometimes the quickest way to cooperation is to get our own act together. The less toys, shoes, jackets and junk we have, the fewer chores we’ll have to do.

Kids are more natural cooperators than we think. Don’t give up. Resist rescuing or re-doing tasks. Below are some links to some more ideas and help for you!

How Families Can Navigate the Road to Cooperation

Training Kids, Instead of Telling Kids What to Do

Chores Without Wars

Parenting Check In

Anyone feel like Bentley, Corona-fatigue?

I thought I’d check in to see how it’s going. It’s been about 2 months of work and school at home. Here’s some new stuff that’s come up for me that I’ve found helpful.

1. Sleep is elusive and the elixir of health. We can’t make ourselves go to sleep, or make our kids go to sleep, AND we can certainly clean up our sleep hygiene. Devices down 90 minutes before bed, no devices in the bedroom, wake up at the same time every day. Inducing sleep is worth our effort.

2. Julie Morgenstern said, and I think it’s so wise, “There are about 12 new minutes of news a day.” A strict media diet can preserve our sanity, make our days more manageable, and conserve energy so we can be productive.

3. We need anchors in our day, week, and month. Do you have them? Rituals and routines can really help soothe our nervous system.

4. Summer seems overwhelming with plans shifting, cancelling and changing. Do not take the burden on yourself. Get a big sheet of paper, some sharpies and get your family thinking, brainstorming and researching what CAN we do this summer.

5. This is hard. Processing the unknown, grief, instability, and isolation are so very, very tiring. Be sure to rest, and rest often. Make it quality rest (scrolling is not resting). 15 minute nap, reading a novel for a few minutes, a quick walk in nature all can re-boot your body and brain. I’ve been resting with a 10 minute meditation and Legs Up The Wall. It rejuvenates me right before dinner so I can finish up dinner, tidy up and enjoy my evening!

6. Reach out for help, assistance, and laughter. No need to go it alone. There is help out there. Click the button below and contact me if you want parent, time management or organizing virtual coaching. Or if you want more resources, please feel free to reach out, happy to guide you.

I Lost It!

We parents feel strong and overwhelming feelings too!

I’ve been feeling and fielding lots of overwhelm and strong emotion questions from parents, friends and family this week. Are you feeling the overwhelm too? Here’s one poignant question a concern parent asked me.

Question: My child saw me crying, did I damage them?

Answer: Crying is such a normal physiological response to stress. And boy are we stressed and overwhelmed. Crying in front of our kids every now and then isn’t a problem, as long as they know we can handle our lives (and so they feel we can help them handle their lives). If we’ve lost it and our child sees us, or we cry in front of them here’s what we can do.

• Ask them for comfort, a hug, a smile, a joke, a silly tik-tok.

• Explain that crying is a way to release emotions, much like laughing hard, or yelling in anger, or any other emotional response. Crying comes and goes. Nothing in itself to be concerned over.

• If we are really sobbing, like heaving sobbing, ask for a few minutes and go to the bathroom. Splash some cold water on our face and do some deep breathing. Go back out and give that hug.

• Put them to use solving a problem. Be sure it’s not a big thorny, scary, adult problem, those need another adult brain. But if a portion of what is upsetting it is something they can help with, engage their brains and creativity. “Hey, I have an important work call tomorrow at 2pm, what can be done so the house is quiet for 45 minutes?” Or, “That mess in the living room is hurting my feet, how can we both clean it up so I don’t get hurt and that awesome fort stays up?”

• If overwhelming feelings are coming on stronger, be sure to reach out for help to a trusted friend or a therapist. Remember, when you need help you are being courageous to ask for it. We want to model courage and asking for help for our kids.

• Click for a quick refresher on how to use that Non-Anxious Presence idea as your North Star.

3 Experts Answer Questions on School at Home

#currentstatus. . .

Anyone notice parenting got a whole lot harder this Spring? Finding ourselves in uncharted territory, I thought we could use some calm, cool, collected PROFESSIONALS to help us out. Here are the top tips I got when I reached out to these amazing, generous, hardworking professionals!

School Counselor: Phyllis Flagell, Sheridan Elementary and author of Middle School Matters

1. We are building an airplane together IN the sky. This is hard and unknown, we are going to get it wrong, and that’s ok.

2. Kids have been calling and want connection as simple as looking at their dog on Zoom.

3. Creativity and self-advocacy is bubbling up in kids. One student reached out and asked to create an Only-Child support group, complete with an article to start the conversation.

4. Stay in touch with your school counselor. We can help figure out if a concerning behavior is something to ride out or something to address.

5. Kids need love and safety above all else. If you need to let got of academic instruction for a bit to focus on love and safety, let yourself do that.

Principal: Jaime Coffee, Tulip Grove Elementary

1. Keep acknowledging that this is hard on everyone. Ask questions, “How can we change this temporary routine to make it better?” Remember, this is temporary.

2. When children feel like they are part of the process and have ownership, it’s easier to get them to comply.

3. Parents should feel free to reach out to the school if they need help. Think about who the child talks about - PE teacher, counselor, reading resource teacher, then reach out to that person.

4. We are here to help at any time, with any concern.

5. Remember the word grace. “Jaime, you gotta give yourself a little grace.” This is not going to be perfect.

Teacher: Sarah Hill, Barrie Montessori

1. Set up a space that can allow children to work independently, that’s what they like and that’s what they are used to.

2. Clean, organized and open space works best. Small is ok - clear off a shelf, a corner of the living room. Set out basket of books, 1 puzzle, 1 of the materials from school and a snack on a tray, or however they are used to their school being set up,

3. When they are asleep (nightly) - change the books, the puzzle, the material and the snack. This is routine and novelty combined, just how kids like it.

4. When you find the time to do this set-up parents find they can work more peacefully for a bit.

5. Find your edge of patience, and stop 5 minutes before. Walk away and put that movie on!

6. Parents need to feel proud of what they are doing and understand it’s not their job to completely educate their children. Be forgiving. When your patience ends, it’s ok to step back and not accomplish every single goal. Keep yourself sane!

5 Ways To Deal With Screens When Everyone is at Home

Who here is having a heck of a time dealing with kids and their screens? Or your spouse and their screen? Or even YOURSELF and your screen?

Where are the edges? There are no natural stopping and starting points for screens in the time of Coronavirus. Screens are entertainment, time wasters, our social life, our work, their education. It’s truly never ending? What’s a parent to do? 

Here’s what I think, we have to both calm down AND stay connected to our values and limits. We address screen limits, and it’s not THE ONLY thing we address. Remember, kids wasted time, were obnoxious, fought with their siblings, were bored and complained long before the smartphone was invented. Take a deep breath when it comes to the screen – and let’s not give up.

 Here are 5 ways to deal with screens in a calm & connected way.

 1.     Set wake up and bedtimes for the screen, works well if it’s the same for everyone. Works better when you’ve asked your kid’s opinions Works best if the kid’s opinions are part of the solution. Then UPHOLD those screen wake up and bedtimes.

2.     Ask curiosity questions and be truly curious.

• “What’s the best Tiktok?”

• “What happens in your brain when screen time is over?”

• “How can our family have realistic, reasonable, fun and healthy screen limits?”

• “What’s the MOST unfair thing about our limits?”

Use some of that new knowledge to make limits more workable for your kids.

3.     Consider and jot down what you wish they were doing. Once you have your list, instead of telling them to do those things, invite them to do those things.

• Reading: “How about after dinner we leave the dishes and flop on the couch to free-read for 30 minutes?”

• Cooking: “Hey, I heard there is a Chick-fil-A recipe we can make at home, I’d love your help.”

• Nature walks: “The dog needs a walk, would you join me in the woods. After, let’s watch that episode you wanted to show me.”

4.     Expect despair when you uphold the limit. Children are very, very under-employed. They will cry and roll on the ground to see if the screen limit will budge. It’s not that they are bad, or you are a jerk, it’s just that everybody loves their screen and no one wants to be pushed around!

5.     Enjoy the screen with your kids. Watch their videos, laugh at their memes, endure some shows and movies they pick. When we do this we find more common ground, some things to giggle about and helps dinner conversation be more engaging and inclusive.

Screens in the time of Coronoavirus is a challenge, be easy on yourself and your kids, be clear about the limits you do set, and uphold them with as much mutual respect and dignity you can muster.

What To Do With Expectations?

What to do when things don’t go as planned? (Photo by ebilski)

The gap between our expectations and reality is where angst, fear, anxiety, anger, tumult, and disappointment live. What do we do when we planted our expectation garden carefully and up pops a pandemic? Here are 3 things I’ve been learning.

1. Expect to feel out of control & confused. We can’t control the news, school districts, the online classes given/not given to our kids, the virus, what our neighbors are doing, how much our toddler wants to be close to us, or how far away our teen wants to be away from us.

2. Expect low motivation. Low motivation is a component of quarentine not a statement on our intrinsic worth. I watched this awesome video from Adler University, and learned motivation is often on the other side of doing something slightly hard, mildly unpleasant or a task we don’t feel like doing. Just knowing that has helped me get a wee bit more done.

3. Expect to be tired. Processing grief, fear, the unknown, boredom all takes energy. Some ideas to re-boot that energy: 10 minutes of Legs Up The Wall with a guided meditation, 20 minutes in the middle of the day watching a favorite old movie with a friend to text with, 5 minutes of laying in a ray of sun - I learned that one from Bentley.

When I nudge that gap between reality (lack of control, low-motivation & fatigue) and expectations (this is gonna wrap up soon, I’m gonna clean out that basement I’ve been ignoring for 6.75 years and '‘why am I so tired’) I diminish (not eradicate) some of that angst, fear, anxiety, anger, tumult and disappointment. That opens me up to receive little white tulips I didn’t expect: dinner with my young adult kids - EVERY NIGHT, a new sense of time unfolding in a less rushed or frantic way, and saving so much money on gas!

3 Ways to Talk to Yourself During a Pandemic

“I wonder. . . . what if . . . omg . . . what next . . . “

Is this you? It’s me! Chin on hand, staring into middle space, repeating, “I don’t understand, I don’t understand.” Not all day, just some of every day recently.

Our internal self-talk, those chin in hands, staring into the middle distance moments are a key driver of our moods and emotions. If we imagine our mind like a packed car of thoughts - we usually let the meanest, cruelest, most pessimistic sit in the driver’s seat. I don’t know why, maybe we think mean is honest? Or maybe we believe we will be lazy turds if we don’t berate ourselves, or that mean is motivating? Whatever the case, it’s not working, it’s not motivating, it creates drag on our day. Here are three new ones to ADD into your car. Don’t try to kick any thoughts out just yet, use your focus, energy, willpower on adding these three ideas in.

1. MANTRAS: Cut down on the clutter and use a mantra. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

• I can handle it. They can handle it. We can handle it.

• This is temporary.

• This is happening to EVERYONE. #weareallinthistogether

• I am on a big wave, I can’t control it, I can float on it.

• I am not in charge of the unfolding.

2. EMPOWERING LANGUAGE: Instead of, “I can’t stand homeschooling, I am NOT cut out for this.” Try, “Wow! School at home is a challenge, it’s important to me that my child reads and does math every day. I value using and modeling patience so I will end the school day before I lose it. I am strong and I will grow into longer and longer school days.” I’ve been recommending EVERYONE print out Suzanne Ritter’s, Empowering Yourself With Words. I share this with all my clients - parenting, organizing, time management. Read it every day, let it soak in and you will find you have more access to calm, patience, and your pre-frontal cortex.

3. GRACE: Who needs grace these days? YOU! YOU need grace. We are good at doling it out to everyone else, we are not so good at covering ourself in grace. Bewilderment, grief, chaos, loss, change, the unknown, sickness, anxiety, churn, bad news, uncertainty all take a lot of energy to process. It’s ok if we don’t improve our 11 year olds, our 20 year olds, our marriage, our business or ourselves. We can tread water today, and get back up tomorrow. Turns out pandemics are endurance sports. Endure a little, thrive a little, mope a little and please, let’s all laugh a little too.

A Non-Anxious Presence: The North Star

The North Star is always there. . . .

As we are heading into uncharted territory, and I’m talking to friends, groups of parents, and myself - this quote keeps coming up for me as it pertains to HOW we are supposed to parent these days.

Because, although you steer by the North Star, when you have lost the bearings of your compass, you nevertheless must steer in a pathway on the sea, -- you are not bound for the North Star.  

Woodrow Wilson

The phrase, non-anxious presence comes from the incredible and much recommended, under-lined, and quoted book Self-Driven Child, Chapter 4 - “The Non Anxious Presence”. Here’s a choice quote, “When we can be a non anxious presence for our children, we do a world of good-just by not freaking out.” In a nutshell we can be enjoying our kids (instead of fixing them up and improving them), remembering that worry is not love and fearing the future does not keep us (or our kids) safe, commit to our own stress management practice a nonjudgmental acceptance (and this is truly a practice - over and over we will need to keep practicing nonjudgmental acceptance).

This idea of a non-anxious presence really does become our North Star - we are never going to get there, AND it will guide us. Here are THREE concrete things to do that can help us focus and keep moving in the right direction for us and our kids.

1. Worry Time: Create a formal worry time & use a pen and paper. As someone who has had anxiety all their life I’ve learned a fair share of how we can tame it. This one is a real winner. Decide that from 5 - 5:20pm you will actively worry. Get a journal out and write it down. We all resist this part and the writing down is where the magic unfolds. Sometimes when we write it down we can identify our panic, sometimes we see there is some action we can take. When we write it down we can go back and look later at all the terrible things that never happened.

2. Circle of Compassion: Pick 2-3 people to be your circle of compassion, your safety net, your crazy-town fears and anxiety and let them hold you with their compassion. With everyone else, bring your more rational self to the table. Resist the urge to text a bunch of friends, “I can’t stand this!” or “What the actual ******?” (this is the one I sent for about 10 days straight, every morning, to a bunch of people, it didn’t help). This will help us practice suppressing our anxiety (NOT repressing, we don’t want to REPRESS and pretend like it’s not there). Suppressing strong emotions is a pre-frontal cortex task. We are going to address these emotions with our circle of compassion or our formal worry time, and for right now we are going to get back to work, finish the load of laundry, or delight in another inane Tik-Tok our child is sharing with us.

3. Media Diet: This is a repeat from last week, it bears repeating, Brene Brown says it really well. “I allow myself a 30-minute Covid-19 update from a reliable news source every day but other than that, I work hard to add calm to my life. As someone who has studied human nature for 25 years, I wasn’t completely shocked to see that “Contagion” [a 2011 film about a lethal airborne virus that spreads across the world] was recently trending as the top film on Apple’s iTunes, but we need to recognize that the things we watch have the power to pour gasoline on our anxiety. We have to make the choice to step away from screens — now more than ever. Feelings of boredom are better for us than spending the whole day online driving ourselves to panic.” This is from a Wall Street Journal series called “How I Cope”.