We’ve all heard the bad news about children’s mental health. Kids are more anxious and depressed than ever before. And we know full well that phones are part of the problem. In the book, The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness, Jonathan Haidt shows how we have slowly shifted from a play-based childhood to a phone-based childhood and the impact has been devastating for our kids. Parents are up against a tsunami of forces conspiring to keep kids' noses in phones. In addition to the 24/7 demands of adult work, Haidt says, “There’s a second plotline here: the well-intentioned and disastrous shift toward overprotecting children and restricting their autonomy in the real world.”
Let’s start with some of the unsavory facts of the situation.
Ubiquitous, addictive, and rewires the brain
Screens are everywhere and as far as we know, they are here to stay. Screens enhance our lives by putting information, communication, connection, and entertainment at our fingertips. But they are also addictive, truly. You know how hard it is to get off your own devices, and it’s nearly impossible to pry them out of our kids’ hands. It’s not us, it’s not the child, it’s the screen itself. Our devices and Apps have been designed to be addictive. Haidt describes in his book actual Facebook meetings about how to keep teen girls on their devices longer— not because it’s good for them, but because it sells more advertising.
Our kids aren’t lazy jerks; they are just responding naturally to a controlled substance, using the device exactly as it’s been designed. As with any addictive substance, use of screens rewires the brain, creating the craving to use them more often and for longer periods just to get the same reward. The brains of our children are being reshaped by these devices.
Influence, not control
While there is a lot to be upset about, this article is not about finger wagging, shaming, or scaring you. It is about addressing the defining force of phones in the lives of today’s families. I hope to leave you feeling empowered, encouraged, and energized to stay positive and focused on what you can do. Parents have less control than they want, but honestly a lot more influence and power than they give themselves credit for. Let’s find our influence and power together as we dial down screen usage and turn up connection.
Apologize: If you’ve been angry and inconsistent about screen usage--equal parts punitive and permissive, make time for a sincere apology. Children will be more open to discussing limits with you if you “own your part of the equation. Haidt says, “What you do often matters far more than what you say, so watch your own phone habits. Be a good role model who is not giving continuous partial attention to both the phone and the child.” It’s easy to tell others to get off and stay off their screens. But screens are seductive, and scrolling can feel delicious and relaxing. Be transparent with your kids about your own screen struggles and triumphs.
Connect : Consciously connect with your child in the real world. Focus on listening to them with an open countenance (no screen in your hand), an open mind (no judging or criticizing), and an open heart (love and admire them just the way they are today). A good relationship is the most effective path to cooperation and change.
Time & Space Zones: Agree on some structure for your time, space, and screens. Work together on creating Time & Space Zones where phones fit into your life. Start with all the things you’d like to do phone-free. For example, no phones at the dining table or at mealtime. No phones in bedrooms. Get an old-fashioned alarm clock for everyone. Ideally, all family members would be screen-free 90 minutes before bed. More realistically, you might want to start with 30 minutes. Don’t expect kids to willingly fork over their devices; make it part of your ritual to go around the house and collect them. When I was driving teens, it felt disrespectful to sit next to someone who wasn’t conversing. I created the rule that if they wanted to be on their phones, they had to sit in the back, and I got full control of the radio. Haidt suggests a weekly “digital Sabbath” with a full 24 hours screen free. But, again, it might be more realistic to start with a screen-free Saturday morning or Sunday evening. Screens will sneak into these Time & Space Zones, but it’s easier to evict them if they have been declared screen-free.
Grace: Let me reiterate that screens truly are extremely addictive. Expect agreements to be broken and be prepared to come up with ways to take a break from screens together, as a family. Give yourself grace, as upholding limits can be very challenging. Grace will also give you a chance to be curious about the underlying reason a phone might be overused. Consider if your child might be turning to the phone for companionship, comfort, numbing, or avoidance and then try to address that problem in the real world.
Shift your focus to “adding in”
Parents can spend a lot of energy getting kids off screens, and it’s so frustrating and hard. You meet with so much resistance that you often give up pretty fast. A new twist is to think less about taking away screens than about adding other things. Remember, the goal of parenting is to raise children who can take care of themselves. That means they understand the basics: money, chores, organizing, time management, work ethic, trip planning, and much more. Haidt suggests shifting your focus and energy to “More (and Better) Experience in the Real World.” For example:
· Increase their mobility: Years ago, I asked a mom with older kids for her one piece of parenting advice. She said, “Teach them how to use public transportation and then they can get wherever they want to go.” Amazing! Think buses, subways, bike shares. Also, start training and expecting kids to walk short distances, run errands for the family, walk to school or the bus stop. Remember, we want to make the real world more accessible, bigger, and exciting for our kids.
· Rely more on them at home: Parents forget how capable children are or can be with a bit of training. Two-year-olds can fill up a pet’s food bowl, four-year-olds can set the table, eight-year-olds can peel carrots and make a salad, twelve-year-olds can plan and cook a weekly dinner. It might be messier, noisier, and take longer, but oh the impact that knowing how to do all these things can have on your family and your child. And as an added bonus, chores are a source of that feel-good chemical, dopamine! Scientific studies have demonstrated the benefits of chores on mental and physical well-being. Don’t know where to start? Check out the Ultimate List of Chores.
· Get a job or volunteer: It’s amazing the skills that can be acquired by shoveling a neighbor’s walk, starting a dog-walking business, or volunteering at the local school fair. Your child might learn important life lessons simply by manning the bouncy house tent with a peer. When we encourage children to have these experiences, not only are they off their screens but, more importantly, they are practicing the crucial life skills of communicating face to face, solving problems in the moment, handling stress, completing tasks, helping others—and maybe even having a good time.
No need to take on this whole list. Pick just one or two things to try and practice. Then talk with your kids and your kids’ friends, discuss with fellow parents, get and share ideas. I especially love talking to parents with kids 5-8 years older than my kids for wisdom, lessons learned, and tips from the trail. The point is to keep yourself engaged and encouraged. At the end of the day, we all want healthy kids, good relationships with them, and to be able to launch them into the world with confidence. The struggles, lessons, and solutions we can get from grappling with screens can actually help us reach those goals.
