Excuse Me, Why am I the Only One Standing Up?

Do you ever feel like you are the only one doing anything in your house?

Sometimes I look around at the sea of able-bodied persons that reside in my house and they are all planted firmly on their butts, noses in iPads, or iPhones, even an old-fashioned book. It feels like I’m the only person doing anything. Why won’t they help? Why am I doing every- thing? Why does everyone else get to relax? Why am I the only one standing up?

The Kidney Theory. The basis for my parenting philosophy is based in Adlerian psychology. Its founder, Alfred Adler, drew many of his theories from biology. In human bodies, for example, if one kidney is acting up, you remove it and, boom, the second kidney takes over, becoming bigger and more efficient. Adler believed that family dynamics work in much the same way. If one member is overfunctioning, well, it’s just common sense that the other members can take a break and relax and put their nose in a comic book or an iPad or just generally sit on their butts. It’s an interesting theory. If we overdo, guess what? The kids get to underdo. Why wouldn’t they?

Diagnosing your form of overfunctioning. The first step is that we overfunctioning parents need to stop doing things for everyone. We need to practice giving away tasks, and some control, and give our reins of authority a little slack. Let’s all take a look and see where we overfunction for our family. Are we always reminding them about homework, as if they didn’t know? Are we always straightening out their closets and drawers, because they don’t do it properly? Do we still make lunch for our kids, when they can totally handle that job themselves (anyone 6 and over can pack a lunch)? Do we nag and cajole them to get up in the morning? Do we do all of the above? Once you’ve diagnosed your particular form of overfunctioning, take a minute and consider whether you are really helping your children by doing things for them.

The school of hard knocks. Our kid’s best and most valuable teacher, I would argue, is actually the so-called school of hard knocks. Think back, when did you learn how to get somewhere on time? Usually after you were late a few times. When did you start cooking for yourself? Usually after someone stopped cooking or paying for your food. How are our kids going to learn to stand up and do something if we are always doing it for them?

Sit down already (and be patient). It’s hard for us to watch our kids attend the school of hard knocks, but that’s not the only hard part. Once we sit down, we have to be patient. That underfunctioning family member needs a minute (or two, or a month or two months) to build up their muscles. We might sit down and wait a minute. And get up. Things are not done . . . and nagging ensues. Groan.

Let’s try again. Sit down. Stay down. Give everyone a chance. A day late getting to school or stern words from another carpool driver will be a much better teacher than a repeat of one of our often performed lectures. Through our actions (or, in this case, non-actions) we can show our kids we have faith in them. When they are two seconds behind in the morning routine, let’s just believe they know what to do next. When they are going to a sleepover, let’s just get the duffle bag out of the closet and see what happens.

Right functioning. Remember, our ultimate goal is to grow these kids up and out. If we spend our parenting energy on nagging, being ultra-efficient ourselves, and rescuing our kids, when they are 18, we’ll more than likely find ourselves still being ultra-efficient while they are less than ready and trained to take on the tasks of life. On the other hand, if we lead our family to become a right-functioning family, then each member will share in the work, and pleasures, of family life.

Sit down and pass the remote. Now that you are sitting, and chaos has been held at bay by all your right-functioning family members, why don’t you enjoy a book or a board game or a TV show? Please pass the remote!

Help! My Kid is Anxious!

Who do WE need to be when our kid is anxious?

When we discover our kid has anxiety we often focus on THEM and eradicating THE ANXIETY. It’s usually not a one step solution and sometimes we can effect them more by US changing, then by us coaching THEM to change. Here are some tips, tidbits and things to consider.

1. Work towards being a non-anxious presence. Easier said than done, AND worth the effort. Want details?! Read the Self-Driven Child, Chapter 4 - “The Non Anxious Presence”. Here’s a choice quote, “When we can be a non-anxious presence for our children, we do a world of good-just by not freaking out.” In a nutshell we can be enjoying our kids (instead of fixing them or improving them). Also, remember that worry is not love and fearing the future does not keep us (or our kids) safe. And stay committed to our own stress management (see #4), practice a nonjudgmental acceptance (and this is truly a practice - over and over we will need to keep practicing nonjudgmental acceptance).

2. Be alert, but not alarmed. Our kids will experience anxiety the rest of their lives. Being aware, gentle, compassionate is very different then swooping in, solving, convincing, explaining.

3. Play up playfulness. Children (and frankly, most adults) respond to fun rather than commands or suggestions. Have you ever tried role playing stressful situations? Leaving play dates used to be a big drama in our family. I decided to give role playing that very scenario a try. My two boys and I spent time taking turns being the parent and the kid leaving a playdate. We had some good laughs and got insights into each others troubles. Lo and behold, we significantly decreased the drama (we did not eradicate it - realistic expectations keep the stress levels lower).

4. Work on the basics. Sleep, food and movement. Anxiety creates physical symptoms that we can exacerbate with staying up too late, sugar, caffeine, processed foods, and being too sedentary. The physical symptoms decrease and diminish (they do not disappear) when we increase and prioritize sleeping, eating, and moving our bodies.

5. Seek and accept help. Remember, we want our kids to have the skills to live with joy and resilience. Asking for help, going to a therapist, talking to a counselor, reading self-help books are tools that can last a life time.

The Heart of Discipline

Does discipline feels hard and mean?

Discipline is often used when we mean punishment. “I’m going to discipline you!” means, “I’m going to make you suffer for your transgression, and if you feel really bad I believe you won’t do it again.” Discipline, however, really means ‘to teach’. Whoa! If I discipline you I mean to teach you something. And at the heart of discipline is to teach our kids self-discipline. Below are 4 non-mean ways to create more discipline in your family.

Modeling: We all know the yelling has to stop, it’s just that we want our kids to go first. Once they stop upsetting their sibling, or stop leaving dishes in their bedrooms, or stop procrastinating on their homework, then we can be calm and disciplined. Uh oh? Doesnt’t usually work that way. Adults have to go first. Once we stop upsetting our kids, once we clean up the kitchen, once we stop procrastinating on our chores, then our family might be calm and disciplined. Consider it.

Development: We can waste a lot of time trying to ‘discipline’ our two year old out of saying ‘no’, our four-year-old out of having tantrums, a 7-year-old from fibbing, or our teen from eye rolling. Remember, a lot of kids “mis-behavior” is normal and annoying developmentally APPROPRIATE behavior. Sometimes I wonder how I would react if my kids tried to discipline me out of needing reading glasses, or shamed me because I was wee bit absent-minded (both normal and annoying developmental issues for middle-aged people).

Practice, Practice, Practice: Discipline takes practice. In our impatience we actually make discipline take LONGER. When a child knows they can make mistakes, and have another chance they are generally willing to try again. When we KNOW our child can make mistakes and have another chance, we spend more time supporting then we do blaming or rescuing. Kids need creative ways to solve their problems and it takes practice, practice, practice.

Shame-less: If we want our kids to practice self-discipline it’s more efficient, loving and encouraging if we stop using shame. Being disappointed or mad at them on a consistent basis teaches our kids to be ashamed of themselves. They might put on a big, blustery, bravado show of not caring, but usually, inside, they shrivel up and whither under parental judgment and disapproval.

Discipline, It's Not Punishment

Discipline: to train or develop by instruction and exercise especially in self-control

As parents we usually think discipline means punishment. We often want to stick it to them so they suffer good and hard and then they will learn. Usually our lips are pursed, our face is pinched, our body is clenched. We can relax once they behave!

Ahhhhhh, though discipline is much, much different than punishment. Discipline is loving and working towards teaching our kids self-control, which is a much, much, much different skill set than obeying us, or defying us. Our kid’s self-control has very little to do with us.

1. Discipline seeks to strengthen, improve or teach to a given standard (pssst . . . do you notice that it is process, not a destination or an instant).

2. Kids value their dignity - when we use intimidation, shame, sarcasm, bluster and public humiliation the lesson is lost as they seek to preserve their own self-value.

3. When we discipline kids (our 9 year old is throwing sand at his sibling, we ask him to stop, sand throwing continues, 9 year old is escorted back to the beach house for the afternoon) the child might feel sad, humiliated, outraged. Totally ok. However, we should not TRY to make him feel sad, humiliated or outraged to teach.

4. Our spirit of discipline should always be that of course people make mistakes, and NONE of us are smaller or worth less when we’ve made a mistake. We recover so much more quickly when we live in a community of fellow mistake makers.

5. Some kids/grown-ups go to the school of hard knocks and experience the same problem over and over and over. People ‘get it’ the exact moment they ‘get it’ and not ONE second before.

6. Kids value their dignity - when we use intimidation, shame, sarcasm, bluster and public humiliation the lesson is lost as they seek to preserve their own self-value. (That one is so important it bears repeating!)

The Blooper Reel

Bloopers

We all have them.  Sometimes we hide them, sometimes we lie about them, sometimes we try to forget about them.  I’m talking about those awful parenting moments when you know you’ve made a giant mistake.  Perhaps you’ve yelled, maybe you forgot to pick someone up, it might be that you laid the shame and blame on a bit too thick, or you were sarcastic and mean or terse and short tempered.

It’s ruined . . . . FOREVER! 

There is one that lives on in our family.  We can laugh about it now, but at the moment no one was giggling.  Our house had just had the upstairs renovated and I had new, beautiful, white linen drapes installed on the wall of windows in the bedroom.  One of my kids was upstairs doing homework in my room and I went casually up to check on him.  On the shelf below the curtain I noticed a book, a notebook and an uncapped  sharpie.  WHAT?  AN UNCAPPED SHARPIE?  WHAT WAS HE DOING WITH A SHARPIE IN THE FIRST PLACE?  I approached the sharpie and what do I see on my linen curtain?  A thin green line of permanent marker.  I turned on my heel and looked straight in his face and yelled, really yelled.  “It’s RUINED . . . . FOREVER!!!!”

Love means having to say you are sorry.

Being a smart kid, he high tailed it into his room, apologized and left me alone to freak out.  And freak out I did.  How could he be so disrespectful?  Why can’t we have nice things?  Why do they sell sharpies? No one with children should be able to have sharpies in their house.  Why?  Why Me?  Once that ran it’s course the parenting remorse set in.  He didn’t ruin the drapes on purpose.  It really could have happened to anyone, and it often does.  With my emotions in check, I went in and apologized for losing it and he apologized for Sharpiegate and we moved on with our evening. I really was sorry for yelling like a crazy person and he really was sorry for writing on the drapes.  We both apologized and we both remembered that people are more important than things.

It’s still there . . .

The faint green line is still on those drapes, I hardly ever notice it, and when I do I smile at the blooper reel that plays in my mind of that evening.  It’s a good story now.  I tell it in my parenting classes to illustrate how you can lose it and apologize and make up, all in about ½ hours time.    So what’s your blooper reel?  Have you apologized for it?  Can you laugh at it now?  Family life is full of bloopers and luckily we can get up the next day and try again and again and again.  Maybe some day we’ll all be ready for our close ups!

 

Talking to Kids About SCARY EVENTS

We can talk about hard things!

Parents usually fall into one of two camps when it comes to talking about the latest alarming event in the news. One group avoids talking about it, believing if they don’t speak of it, their kids won’t worry about it. The second group over explains or lectures about the event. They usually give too much information and leave no space for the child to talk, question, and process. Let’s find the magic middle. 

1. Are your ready? First, determine if you are in a calm, nonreactive frame of mind. Emotions are contagious. If you are carrying a lot of emotion—anxiety, anger, outrage—you invariably pass that on to our children. Only once you are calm, grounded, and in an open state of mind are you ready to broach the conversation.

2. Start with questions.“What do you think about the event?” or “What are your friends saying about the event?” Factor in their age and inquire, “Where are you getting your information about the event?” Then listen, really listen. Refrain from talking and really absorb their thoughts and concerns. Next, ask follow-up questions, “Tell me more about that.” “How often are you worrying about this?” Listen again.

3. Provide encouragement. Encouragement is such a beautiful parenting tool. It can be used during happy times and stressful times. Notice and comment how well they describe the scary event. Or be grateful they reach out to you for support. Acknowledge what a thoughtful, sensitive and positive part of the family they are. Give a hug. Sometimes that’s all kids need to process difficult things; to be heard, understood, and hugged.

4. The Circle Back. Sometimes you might feel anxious that you have to tell them everything in one conversation. You think you must explain, reassure and keep talking until you are certain they are not anxious. Too much talking usually closes communication channels. Instead, try “The Circle Back” strategy in your back pocket. Know that kids do better with shorter and frequent conversations than a big “one and done” kind. You can go back around a few days later, “ I’ve been thinking about our conversation and there are a few things I wanted to add, is now a good time?”  “Curious, any more questions about the event?” 

Remember, we simply can’t fix everything for our kids. And even if we could, it wouldn’t be good for them. Our job is to model resilience and assure kids that our families are strong and capable. And remember, things like hugging, cuddling, and enjoying our children are ways to communicate reassurance, reduce stress, and get through hard things together. 

Reducing Stress, Anxiety and Fighting in Your Parenting

LISTEN to this week’s Nifty Tip! Check out this fun and informative interview with Dr. Shelly Mahon on her podcast, Parenting Well.

This episode covers:

• Finding the magic middle in discussions

• Solving problems together

• Supporting your kids mental health

• Establishing effective routines

• Planning vs. doing your day

• Managing conflict

• Reducing stress and anxiety

• Having fun together

• Building close relationships

• Taking care of yourself

• Holding a family meeting

• Parenting through challenging situations

RESOURCES

• Book: The Opposite of Worry: The Playful Parenting Approach to Childhood Anxieties and Fears by Lawrence Cohen

• Book: Time to Parent: Organizing Your Life to Bring Out the Best in Your Child and You by Julie Morgenstern

Broccoli, Brussel Sprouts, Zucchini, Green Beans, Sweet Potatoes . . .

Our 22 year old son, Theo, came home for a month to work remotely and celebrate the holidays. He was a picky eating child. I did all the right things, and I did all the wrong things to try to woo him into vegetable eating. People with picky eaters, you feel me? He’s currently living on his own, perfectly healthy. That didn’t stop me though from unconsciously starting a power struggle with him, “Theo, you don’t eat broccoli still? What about Brussel sprouts?” My tone was condescending, exasperated, accusatory.

After a wee bit of interrogation, he said, “Mom, why don’t we start with me telling you all the vegetables I do eat.”

What? Such a BETTER way to communicate - begin with a strength and build on that. Genius. I felt my shoulders drop, the armor and bracing come down and I said, “Great idea, tell me!” He went on to rattle off a list that was surprising to me and encouraging.

Is there anywhere you could communicate more positively around an historically hot topic (messy rooms, sibling fighting, homework, bedtime, screen time)?

Remember, our kids are are much more likely to be in conversation and solve problems with us when they feel loved, admired and understood.

Follow Theo’s lead and start your conversations with what is going right!

Practicing GRACE: A Parenting Resolution for 2021

1. Who couldn’t use a little more grace? See article below originally published in Washington Parent.

2. Click to listen to the The Kojo Nnamdi Show: How’s Parenting Going, Eight Months Into our Strange New World. TODAY at 12pm EST.

GRACE can help us navigate the difficult month of December and beyond.

We are in the last month of the most challenging, unprecedented and trying year that most of us have ever experienced. We have cycled through confusion, despair, overwhelm and gratefulness, while looking hard for silver linings. Parents have had to run their own home schools and make tough decisions about where their kids can go or not go. Some of us have asked ourselves, “Why am I angry all the time?” and “Do I have an anxiety disorder, or are these just anxious times?” While we feel pushed to our edge, our children have been stressed and isolated, leading to more tough questions: “Is my child just sad, or is that depression?” No one, not one of us, has known exactly what to do all the time.

With all the unknowns and anxiety continuing to swirl in the air as we head toward 2021, I’d like to take this time to talk about GRACE. If we can give ourselves the gift of GRACE, over and over and over, we might find a little relief from the anxiety. GRACE can help us navigate the difficult month of December, as well as the uncertainties of the year that lies beyond it. If we can fill our own cups with GRACE, some of it may spill over onto our kids and community. We all have our own notions of “grace.” Here’s what I mean when I speak of GRACE.

“Gemeinschaftsgefuhl” is a German word that translates as “community feeling.” The idea of “gemeinschaftsgefuhl” is an integral part of the psychological approach pioneered by Alfred Adler, an Austrian doctor and psychiatrist whose work has influenced many contemporary parent education programs. One of Adler’s main premises is that if we cultivate the community-minded ideal of “gemeinschaftsgefuhl,” as opposed to focusing on our own private concerns or issues, we will become psychologically stronger and will interact with the world in a more positive and effective way. The needs of our communities are many in these difficult times. Food drives, calling on elderly neighbors or writing a note of thanks to an overworked teacher are all ways of practicing “gemeinschaftsgefuhl” and increasing our own sense of well-being.

Rest: Strong feelings take so much of our energy and resources. We usually don’t give ourselves enough time to let these feelings fully unfurl and run their course. Instead, we bow at the altar of productivity that is so central in our culture. While productivity does feel good, it doesn’t feed the fundamental human need for rest. This month, instead of striving to do more, look for ways to rest as a family. Dim the lights an hour early, put the screens away, encourage everyone to grab a book or a craft and just be alone together doing your own thing. Add in some naps. Use the shorter days to go to bed earlier. Your nervous system will thank you.

Acceptance: 2020 has been a year of choosing between acceptance and suffering. It’s a choice we’ve had to make over and over again. Acceptance doesn’t mean that we like what is happening to us and around us. It means that we take each day one at a time, we notice what changes are occurring and we continually adjust to the new normal. We might have to accept that our child is withering under online learning, and we continue to support, listen and help – even if we, too, are fed up or anxious about it. Acceptance means we do the best we can with the information we have, today.

Creativity: The never-ending experience of being stuck inside our four walls makes every day feel like “Blursday.” The monotony and lack of changing scene can bring on low motivation, lethargy and “stinkin’ thinkin.” It just does. One surefire antidote is to think creatively about ways of shaking things up and refreshing and reinvigorating the old routine. Creativity gets us out of our reactive brain and into our prefrontal cortex where we have access to new ideas and solid problem-solving skills. The solution doesn’t have to be artsy (drawing, painting, writing) to be creative – although it certainly can be. Think outside the box, move your furniture around, purge and redecorate a kid’s room, cook something new for dinner. Creativity takes so much more effort than we feel we have right now, and yet it can become energizing by opening up a new, less lethargic and more upbeat way of being.

Empathy: The dictionary defines empathy as “the ability or practice of imagining or trying to deeply understand what others are feeling or what it’s like to be in their situation.” As a parent, the only expert on what it’s like to raise your children during this pandemic is you. And the only experts on what it’s like to be a child growing up during this pandemic are your kids. Practicing empathy for them and for yourself is a way to soften the tension, lighten the mood and increase the “grace” we are searching for. A good way to access empathy is through true listening to your children. You can start with an open-ended question, like “What’s been the hardest part about being 6 years old during the pandemic?” Then listen. No talking is necessary, just nodding and absorbing. And then take the time to listen to yourself. What’s been the hardest part for you? Where might you still be fighting acceptance?

This is just one set of ideas. May I suggest during this winter month you write out GRACE on a big sheet of paper and take it to the dinner table. Brainstorm with your family words you can use to show each other kindness, acceptance, forgiveness and renewal for 2021.

Expectations vs. Reality: The 2020 Edition

Below is my yearly WEDNESDAY before THANKSGIVING post since 2014. I’m leaving it, AND holy moly what does expectations vs reality mean in 2020? Let’s do a listicle, shall we?

1. Every decision we make these days is 51% vs 49% . . . meaning there are no easy, landslide, victory type of decisions. We are gonna hem, haw, not know, angst, carry on and overthink.

2. Everyone is doing something slightly different when it comes to ‘the rules’, and we gotta either suffer in anxiety, judgment or just accept this is the case. Sigh.

3. This year’s holidays will be memorable no matter what we do. Easy peasy!

4. Think the 3G’s.

   1. Grateful: Yes! Go ahead, be grateful for what you do have - fun and rambunctious children, a day off, some good food.

   2. Grief: Yes! We all are missing out on many things, so much has been taken, so much unknown. It just is actually sad, make some space for it.

   3. Grace: Give it to yourself. Do you need more time to unwind? Take it. Do you need the house neater than everyone else? Ask for it. Don’t want to make that gravy, or extra green beans, or cranberries? Don’t. Your kids don’t want to play that family game? Let them off the hook.

5. 2020,. . .It’s one long, cold, unrelenting dose of reality! Chase it with a glass of wine, or a slice of pie or a snuggle on the couch.

6. Hugs to you and your family. Parenting is hard and in 2020 ….WOWZA!

Expectations: Cozy car ride talking to each other and playing the alphabet game and singing Raffi songs.  Delicious home cooked nutritious meals where children try new foods and eat yellow and green and orange things.  Getting to that pilates class &long walks after meals.  Playing board games and doing puzzles. Combed hair, none of it in eyes, all of it in a hairband and no squabbles over styles or washing. Wearing the fancy & nice clothes Nana bought, all of it ironed, most of it unstained.  Loving and understanding relatives who honor, cherish and cheer for each other. Sleeping in, oh I'm not crazy, I read that other post, Expectations 101, just a couple of mornings of uninterrupted sleep will do.                                             

Reality . . . .

Reality:  Traffic, she is on his side, they don't like that song, every 35 minute bathroom breaks.   Carbs, sugar, booze, caffeine, carbs, more carbs. More booze, caffeine, carbs, lethargy, complaining, fat pants.  Begging and pleading and even crying to get them off screens and standing up.  Lice.  Wrinkled shirt, I took that darn PEP class and let them pack, they forgot their khakis and now there is no choice but sweats for Thanksgiving dinner.  Snarky and gossipy relatives who judge the kids, the parenting, the lice, the sweat pants.  Four year old who wakes up at 4:30 am, urgent care, strep throat.

Expectations 101, Read it, learn it, try it, live it.                

*Originally posted in 2014. Still makes me giggle.

We'll Get By With A Little Help From Our Friends!

Today we could all use a little help. . . .

Nifty Tippers, I’ve been struggling . . . it’s zapped my enthusiasm, creativity and problem solving. How are you guys? If you feel this way too check out these resources. I can personally say these experts will give you HIGH quality parenting advice and support to get you through the end of this crazy year of 2020.

Parents of Teens: PEP (Parent Encouragement Program) is offering a FREE webinar from noted author Dr. Michael Bradley. You won't want to miss his good and practical advice on motivating teens. I’m already signed up myself!

For parents, grandparents, caregivers and teachers: Two fabulous parent educators I know and love are teaming up to teach an 8 week course, Foundations in Family Leadership, starting on 11/5/2020. The first class is FREE! Try it out, get a few golden nuggets and then decide if it’s right for you right now.

Masterclass series: Get an 8 week Masterclass series taught by world class authors starting 11/17/2020. They will discuss education, parental burnout, social and emotional concerns regarding our kids, supporting our children in talking about race, divisiveness in politics, and practical strategies for helping your family thrive for what’s next. Hope to see you there. It’s super affordable at the early bird price of $39.

Encouragement and Discipline: PEP (Parent Encouragement Program) is offering their two award winning Masterclasses in November (the last time for 2020). Videos and materials are self paced. Each week you meet as a group to get advice and direction from a talented and engaging parent educator. These classes help parents make real, positive and peaceful changes to their families.

Connection is how were are going to get through all this! I hope these resources are helpful. Please feel free to email with any questions! I’m happy to talk to you more about these resources, parent coaching, virtual organizing or time management.

Mindful Parenting

We are in it together, Mindfulness helps . . . .

Mindfulness: Attending to the current situation with a kind and curious attitude.

Mindfulness doesn’t mean ‘let it go’ or ignore or accept bad behavior. Mindful parenting means that we live in the now, our current reality and we approach our problems with kindness and curiosity. In getting ready for next week’s webinar I’ve been reading up on the matter and have loved the book, Mindful Discipline.

We often don’t combine mindfulness (which we think is ‘nice’ & permissive) and discipline (which we think is ‘mean’ & punishment).

But, instead of punishment let’s use this definition (found in Webster’s Dictionary): training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character.

And then when we are disciplining our child consider:

1. How does the discipline affect our relationship? (What ties us together - being yelled at or being expected to clean up after ourselves - at a reasonable pace?)

2. How does it impact my child’s authentic desire to be respectful and responsible? (Does nagging, reminding and obsessing over our kids homework allow them the space and time to figure it out on their own, or consider their own feelings about kinds of grades they want to get?)

3. How does it affect my child’s emotional intelligence? (Do we want our child to learn that they only have to follow through when someone is angry and yelling at them?)

4. How does it impact my child’s long-term development? (Is our demanding or rescuing giving them practice in self-discipline?)

When we approach discipline with an open, curious and kind mind and focus on training, correcting and molding toward moral character we use relationship building tools from our parenting tool box: listening, natural consequences and doing the un-expected. We put aside our habitual tools of yelling, reminding or nagging knowing that those do not bring us closer to our child, they do not teach our child to be responsible or respectful.

Mindful Parenting

The waves are the ocean . . . .

Who couldn’t use a little more peace these days? Living in the moment, mindfully is a positive and useful parenting tool. What I LOVE about these tips is that they 'do no harm'. When I put my head on the pillow at night I know I have not blamed, shamed or pained any of my beloveds.

1. Square Breathing: Teach this to your family TONIGHT (we learn what we teach, we teach what we need to learn). Breath in for two counts. Hold for two counts. Breath out for two counts. Hold for two counts. Repeat until there is a sliver of calm. Slowing your breathing slows your heart rate and can help your brain find creative and relationship plumping solutions. You never know when your kids will come home and tell you it HELPED them (think ACTs/SATs!).

2. The Waves ARE the Ocean: The journey IS noisy, chaotic, unclear, angry, messy, loving, unpredictable. When we are in a wavy bit, remember we are STILL in the ocean. It's all the same.

3. The Middle Path:  When I'm in a parenting spiral of indecision, I think to myself, what's the middle path? I WANT the child to give me the phone NOW. The child wants the phone into eternity. The middle path might be phones are turned in at dinner time and doled out again when everyone is ready for the day the next morning (fed, dressed, shod, brushed).

4. Mantras: Here's one I used, "I love you just the way you are today." Works wonders for tantruming toddlers, procrastinators, and eye rolling teens. The mantra cloaks whatever I do in compassion and love.  I can uphold the limit or re-direct the behavior calmly, rationally and with love.  Other useful ones, "This will pass." "I don't love this, AND I can handle it."  

5. Simplify: Seriously, for real, I'm not joking, we will FEEL better if we get rid of 50% of our crap. e-mail me if you need help on this. Why do we like hotel rooms? NO CRAP! 

6. Slow is smooth. Smooth is fast: Thank you Phil Dunphy of Modern Family. When you are feeling stressed and rushed, slow down. Is it counter-intuitive? Yes! Is it really hard to do? Absolutely! Should I give it a try anyway? Yes! Yes! Yes!

Who Needs More Help Around the House?

*It’s possible to get more help from those kids of ours!

Now that we’ve been home, together for months and months - who couldn’t use a little more cooperation from everyone in the house. What do you think if you could . . .

• Inspire your family to work together and share the load of household responsibilities

• Respect and support other family members' solutions to shared problems

• See children as capable partners and use collaboration instead of exasperation to get things done.

Who doesn't want more help around the house? That's probably a universal wish. But some of us have the feeling that we have to do it all by ourselves. In many families, someone will gravitate toward the role of "boss," and in certain seasons of life (new baby, new job, moving) this can be an efficient, short-term way to run a family. However, if we hold on to the "boss" role for too long, we will come to find that it's an energy- and relationship-draining way to run the family.

What to do?

You may already have reached the conclusion that you don't want to do it all yourself, but you don't know how to cultivate the elusive goal of cooperation. How do we elicit help around the house? When are kids going to "see" what needs to be done and then get the energy, motivation and skills to do it?

For the purposes of this article, we are going to focus on those perennial family household projects that affect everyone - things like organizing the front hall closet, keeping the garage from turning into a dump, preparing meals and planning vacations.

Let's use the example of the front hallway closet. You know how the eyes are said to be the windows to the soul? Well, I believe the front hallway is the window to the family. How we exit and enter the house speaks to us, speaks to our kids and speaks to our visitors. Does it say, "We are a mess and can't get it together" or does it say, "We've got this, and we do lots of interesting things that we are usually on time for!"

Six steps to better cooperation

If you're stuck in the "mess" camp and would like to get more organized, help is on hand from Julie Morgenstern, New York TimesBest Selling author of six books, including her latest, "Time to Parent." In a recent conversation, I asked her how she would gain the cooperation of a nine-year-old, for example, in helping to clean out the over-stuffed, under-sorted, dumping ground of the front hall closet. Here is what she suggested:

1. Mindset Shift

Kids like doing projects and they like doing stuff with you - as long as you come to it with a sense of fun and don't act like it's a burden to you or your kids. Remind yourself that learning and practicing organization is one of the greatest gifts parents can give their kids. It gives them a great sense of self-sufficiency, agency and skill.

1. Ask for help and respect their time table 

Start with an open-ended question, "Look at this closet, it doesn't really work very well, does it? What do you think is wrong with it?" Invite your child to analyze with you. Is it that things get lost and no one can find them? They're hard to put away? The space is too cluttered? Stuff falls down? The rod is too high? There is no container? Then you say, "I need your brain power." Continue with visioning. "What is essential and needed on a daily basis? Let's make a list of those, and then guide your kids in seeing how tackling this job will impact the family. "What are we going to gain? How will it help our family if we get this squared away?"

1. Make a plan

Determine together the three to five categories that should live in the closet. What are the zones? Create a plan for coats, shoes, bags, seasonal accessories, sports equipment or other items that need to have a place.

1. Sort it out

Sorting is magical. Start there, and additional needs and answers will bubble up on their own. Take everything out of the closet and divide things into one of four categories: keep in the closet, find another home, donate, trash. Try to make it a physical and fun activity. Ask kids how long they think it will take, and then have them set a timer.

1. Have an open mind

Don't feel like you have to have all the answers and the solution before you start. Be willing to listen to and accept your kids' ideas about how to get the closet organized. Say (and truly believe) "I think it will be better if you help. I think you will bring good ideas to the project." Remember, this front closet is shared, and if they solve the problem they are more likely to respect the solution and do the upkeep more reliably.

1. Aim for "Good Enough"

Working with your child to achieve an adequate result with their problem-solving input and cooperation is better than forcing them to do things exactly the way you like them. Avoid rushing and refrain from criticizing. Accept your kids as emerging organizers. They don't have to be perfect; the solution doesn't have to be exactly what you imagined. If you can do that, you will find your load gets lighter and your relationship with your kids gets deeper.

Common obstacles to cooperation

There are predictable speedbumps in the road to cooperation. If we ignore them and accelerate ahead, we can get off track. If we slow down and address them, we usually stay on the road to cooperation and find ourselves with a mostly cleaned-out closet and a good relationship with our kid. Dara Kessler, a Certified Parent Educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP) and mother of two teen boys, has identified four ideas parents should keep in mind when encouraging cooperation.

1. No "solution" is permanent

Expect to change things up in three weeks to a year. Chores, motivation and getting things done are continuous works in progress.

1. Give up on top-down 

Parents will have more success gaining cooperation when the kids generate the list of what needs to be done and how to do it. Use inexpensive office supplies to make lists, leave notes, brainstorm ideas. Rather than your gopher, assistant or underling, your child should be treated as a full partner in problem solving.

1. Take time to train

Parents often have a blind spot in terms of their kids' capability and expect them to know how to do a task when they have never been taught how. On the other hand, with adequate training, they are capable of learning more than we may think. For example, they can be taught how to fill out their own forms, clean air conditioner coils and patch and paint holes in walls.

1. Let go of control

Things fall apart when we rush our kids or act like we know how to do everything ourselves. We are disrespecting our kids when we take jobs over from them. Of course, it's easier, faster and neater to cook, clean and organize ourselves. We need to let go of that if our goal is to raise helpful, capable, cooperative children.

Free yourself from the burden of being the "boss." When you don't have to have all the answers you create space for new ideas, plumped-up mutual respect and creative and inspired ways to meet the needs of the situation. You'll start seeing your family as a cooperative and fun team who can count on each other to solve problems, clean out closets and maintain order. What a great way to see the people you live with!

Being vs. Doing

Can we sit and BE?

I ran a zoom call last week, so fun to talk to parents, create community and share some laughs. One parent showed us her single spaced, typed list of possible things people (her spouse and kids) can do in the house if they have down time. Sometimes she spots her tween JUST SITTING THERE! It drives her nuts. THERE IS SO MUCH TO DO!

Now that single spaced typed list motivates her, and motivates me (a fellow ‘doer’) and all the other ‘doers’ on the Zoom call nodded emphatically. Don’t just SIT there when you can DO SOMETHING.

We asked ourselves, “Five months into this cascading bad news cycle, has anyone been able “TO DO” there way out of it?” Zero hands raised, the pandemic still rages. I think her son had a lesson for all of us. What if ‘being’ is what we need to expand to tolerate this extended uncertainty. Let’s think of ‘doing’ as our bicep and ‘being’ as our tricep. We need both to be strong and flexible. Our kids are usually much better at ‘being’ than we are. One of my kids would come home from college and I accused him of ‘aggressive relaxation’, and now I wish he were back home so I could slurp up some of that peaceful ‘being’. Let’s expand our ‘being’ toolbox.

Inspiration on Being

That Mom I mentioned, her tween has joyfully been coaching her in simply sitting and doing nothing. How encouraging for our tween when they have a skill to share.

Listen to this self-compassion meditation by Kristen Neff (over and over and over) - it’s 4 minutes.

Set a timer to be productive for 50 minutes and then take 10 minutes to observe your surroundings, drink a cup of tea using all your senses, walk barefoot outside, do some square breathing.

Watch or read something frivolous. Pick your poison YA, romance, mystery. This frivolity will help us get out of the ‘fix it’ mode that is making all us ‘doers’ more anxious, tense and upset.

My own son said this, “Mom, you have to have faith that this will work out, even if you can’t see how yet.”

Create a mantra: “I am ok for this moment.” “We can handle this.” “I am not in charge of the unfolding.”

I’m doing a training in using Mindfulness in my parenting practice and I can’t wait to share ideas, practices and ways it can expand your parenting toolbox with you on my next monthly Zoom Call.