A Little Help . . .

Scroll to bottom to see how leaning has expanded creativity. Also, enjoy this snug image of Bentley.

Yesterday I had to go back to bed at 1:30pm and start again after a nap. I’m moving through being optimistic, despair, working out, eating carbs, complaining to friends, catastrophizing, seeking out silver linings, coming up with a ‘plan’ - all in the span of say 40 minutes. Over and over, multiple times a day. You with me?

Suddenly parenting and organizing are on the front lines of the Coronavirus. The way out of this pandemic turns out to be US. Each family, one by one, called up to endure and persevere and perhaps even thrive together. Here are a few thoughts that have bubbled up in the last two tumultuous weeks.

1. Lead and Lean: Take turns leading and leaning on people. Both are important skills. I’ve been doing some online classes, leading some small groups on Zoom and every time I show up for someone else I feel better, I hear good tips from others, I’m inspired, and we almost always share a good laugh. Leading can help you focus, live in the now and be helpful.

   I also am doing a fair share of leaning. JUST as important in these times is leaning on others. My stepsister is an artist and we were texting a week or so ago our despair. I told her when one of my kids was having a hard time we committed to doing a “daily doodle” and it passed the time, and shared some joy. We were woefully inconsistent, we needed a leader, could she be our leader? And you know what, she took the baton - a few hours later she had created prompts for the rest of March and today is Day 10 of the #ketedailydoodlechallenge - join us on Instagram. Every night we sit down get our mind on something new - a pet, a drink, a dessert, a water sport. In our family, we set the timer for 10 minutes - that’s it - no masterpieces required, just a doodle - creativity and community. So if your kid wants to run some part of the day lean on them, follow the directions and lead by following.

2. Media Diet - I put myself on a strict media diet since my brain tends to spiral really fast. No news until 12pm. I ask my family not to even mention anything until then, that way I get a few hours to get some stuff done, have manageable thoughts, and feel productive and ‘normal’. Speak up for yourself - I was recently in a Zoom Happy Hour and someone excused themselves as the discussion took a solid turn into the Coronavirus. She modeled how to do that respectfully. After she left someone checked in with her via text and we all considered if we might be able to have some Coronavirus free time during future happy hours.

3. Enjoy the Free Stuff - There has been such an outpouring of giving on line, slurp it up! PEP (Parent Encouragement Program) has offered two free webinars (available, links below), and plans to continue doing more. Adler University offered one about parenting and TODAY I am attending a class to deal with low motivation during social isolation (link below), join me there!

4. Stay in touch - if I can help, or blog about anything you might find useful - please contact me! I’d love to hear from you.

Woot Woot & Help for Anxiety!

We can celebrate in anxious times!

First, Woot Woot - an article I wrote for PEP (Parent Encouragement Program) in the Washington Parent won a bronze medal from the Parent Media Association!

And still . . . we are anxious! I had the pleasure of reading “The Happy Kid Handbook” by Katie Hurley AND interviewing here for Washington Parent. She has so, so, SO many insights, good ideas and actionable steps to tame the anxiety in ourselves and in our kids. Join PEP (Parent Encouragement Program) on Thursday, March 5th - live from 9pm - 10pm, sign up and if you can’t make it you will get a recording (don’t worry)!

And I can’t stop sharing . . . . .

Nagging! Advice for the Flip Side

Do you nag? More then once? Here’s a clever twist . . .

Thanks so much for the (always helpful) session and the links you sent re: nagging and (dis) empowering communication. I shared both with my family, which led to a VERY interesting discussion. Sophie (age 12) wanted to know what you have the “Nagee” read. In other words, the Nagger apologizes for employing a tool that is unproductive. What do you ask the person who is being (passive) aggressive / uncooperative / unresponsive etc to read so that they understand their contribution in a productive way that fosters a constructive dialogue?

email from Organizing Client with 12 year old twins.

WOW! What a genius question Sophie!!

1. Communicate with the nagger in a mutually respectful way. The note above is what one 14 year old left on a bathroom trash can she shares with her mom. Our kids often don’t want us to be angry with them, but they really do NOT understand why we get soooooo worked up over things like full trash cans.

2. Be honest about what you are actually going to do. Don’t say “Yeah, sure.” when you have no intention of doing it. It gets you off their back for the moment, and is colossally disrespectful. You know how ANNOYED you are when they nag? You are creating the same thing when your mouth says “Yes”, but your feet really mean, “No WAY, you are NOT the boss of me.”

3. Give the nagger a job - “Mom, I get that you want me to study, and instead of reminders I would really appreciate if my little brother could be out of the house on Thursday afternoons so I can get ready for my Friday quizzes.” “Dad, I understand you want the basement cleaned up after sleepovers on the weekend. Could we could do our weekly Chipotle run on Sunday at 2pm so I have something to look forward to after the excruciating cleaning up?”

4. Interpret what you are hearing when they nag. Often times naggers think they are being helpful, if they are not then help them understand — “When you nag me, what I think you mean is . . I can’t trust you, you aren’t going to make it without me, your judgement is very poor, or you are lazy.” Then ask them, “Mom-do you think I’m lazy or do you think I don’t understand the homework?”

5. Volunteer to do some chores that are LESS excruciating for you . . . and then do them.

   EXAMPLE: Our 22 year old came home for winter break and we all fell into our familiar old roles. I issued chore commands to him, he told his little brother to do the chore, I yelled at him to stop issuing commands to his younger brother. I went up to him and said, “This doesn’t work, I don’t want to feel like I’m doing all the work.” The next day he came to me and said. “Mom, I do stuff all the time around the apartment back at school. I really don’t mind doing chores, but I HATE when you tell me to do stuff. I will volunteer to clear the dishwasher and prep a couple dinners while I’m home and then you won’t have to come up with things for me to do.” GASP! How respectful - now I had to do my part and zip the old lip even when I really, really wanted to issue an ADDITIONAL command, demand, request. With this new respectful communication, I have to say we had the most lovely break I can remember.

6. Problem solve. Sometimes naggers are focused on getting it done their way. However, that’s not the only way. Naggee - think about a win/win solution. How about getting a bigger trash can for that shared bathroom and it only has to go out twice a month.

7. Just FREAKING DO IT. Sometimes just do the chore or task after one request. Save all that energy and good will for something you’d love to do with the your parent.

Help! My Kid is Anxious . . . .

Who do WE need to be when our kid is anxious?

When we discover our kid has anxiety we often focus on THEM and eradicating THE ANXIETY. It’s usually not a one step solution and sometimes we can effect them more by US changing, then by us coaching THEM to change. Here are some tips, tidbits and things to consider.

1. Work towards being a non-anxious presence. Easier said then done, AND worth the effort. Want details?! Read the Self-Driven Child, Chapter 4 - “The Non Anxious Presence”. Here’s a choice quote, “When we can be a non anxious presence for our children, we do a world of good-just by not freaking out.” In a nutshell we can be enjoying our kids (instead of fixing them up and improving them), remembering that worry is not love and fearing the future does not keep us (or our kids) safe, commit to our own stress management (see #4), practice a nonjudgmental acceptance (and this is truly a practice - over and over we will need to keep practicing nonjudgmental acceptance).

2. Be alert, but not alarmed. Our kids will experience anxiety the rest of their lives. Being aware, gentle, compassionate is very different then swooping in, solving, convincing, explaining.

3. Play up playfulness. Children (and frankly, most adults) respond to fun rather than commands/suggestions. Things like role playing stressful situations, not in the moment. Leaving play dates used to be a big drama in our family. We spent some time taking turns being the parent and the kid leaving a playdate. We had some good laughs and got insights into each others troubles. We significantly decreased the drama (we did not eradicate it - realistic expectations keep the stress levels lower).

4. Work on the basics. Sleep, food and movement. Anxiety creates physical symptoms that we can exacerbate with staying up too late, sugar, caffeine, processed foods, and too much sitting. The physical symptoms decrease and diminish (they do not disappear) when we create firm guard rails around sleeping, eating mostly whole foods at regular times, and moving our bodies - walking, fresh air and sunshine help.

5. Seek and accept help. Remember, we want our kids to have the skills to live with joy and resilience. Asking for help, going to a therapist, talking to a counselor, reading self-help books are tools that can last a life time.

An Ode to Encouragement

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and how do we show our love for our kids so they can receive it?

ENCOURAGEMENT!

A cornerstone, and often overlooked, part of parenting is the simple (but not easy) task of encouragement.  I can never remind parents enough to encourage their kids and encourage themselves.  Often we spend so much time trying to get them to stop doing things that we forget all about the art of noticing and appreciating all that our kids (and WE) do well.

What Encouragement is NOT

We often mistake encouragement for praise.  Go and listen next weekend to any soccer field and track how long it takes to rack up 10, or 15, or even 20 “Good Jobs” being shouted across the field. What is the good job?  What did that kid do? Do they know?  Frankly, I think we should be saying,  “Good Job, all you parents getting up and out of the house and knowing where your kid’s shin guards are and for combing your hair and for showing up and for finding a parking spot.”  Then I’d raise my Grande Latte to all the devoted moms and dads on the dewy field.  But, back to the task at hand, “Good Job” is praise. “Good Girl” is praise. Praise is not encouragement. Praise is the often throwaway things we say to our kids in hopes of getting good behavior and obedience. Praise is a little bit like sugary sweets. Praise is yummy, but not for everyday consumption and best if enjoyed sparingly.

Ok, ok Smarty Pants  . . . what IS encouragement?

Encouragement is very specific, low key, and most successful if given one-on-one. (Anyone with more than one child has entered the corn maze of complimenting one and then hearing quickly from the other one, “Hey, what about me, I did that too!”)  So, back to soccer. Your child is out there kicking (or not), dodging (or not), scoring goals (or not). You are out there chatting it up on the sidelines and watching, and just one Saturday don’t shout a thing. Assume the coach has it under control. You are just there to encourage. Your role is attentive parent, not overly attentive (they are not playing in the Olympics . . . yet). You notice a couple of things they do well or that they improved upon, and, a few hours after the game, when it’s just you and Suzy, you say, “Suzy, I saw how you were close to the goal and you passed to Peter. That looked like real teamwork.”  Then Suzy either opens up and tells you all about it, or she looks at you quizzically and has no idea how to respond. Either way, your job is done.  Encouragement shows our kids we are watching, we are noticing improvement, and we have faith in them. 

Encouragement is handy, even when things go awry!

Encouragement is so handy that it can be used when things go terribly, awfully wrong.  Suzy kicks a goal into the other team’s net! Oh boy, she’s in tears, so embarrassed.  You can give encouragement here, too. Listening is encouragement.  Just letting Suzy pour out all her feelings.  You don’t have to say anything, just be a big ol’ lap for her to sit in. When she’s calm, you can notice that after she was done being upset she got up and went back into the game.  Reflect to her that going back in takes real courage.

Encouragement Cheat Sheet

Low key: Tone of voice is calm and low and not high-pitched and over-eager

Noticing specifics: “I notice that blue you chose in your drawing is turquoise. Why did you         choose that instead of cornflower?”

Most effective when given in private: I know, if you have more than one kid it’s harder, but just give it a try.

Non-verbal: Open arms, a willing ear, a big smile – all are easy and warm ways to encourage.

Questions: If your child is very excited and happy or very sad and blue, ask her   questions using tentative language. “I wonder if you were embarrassed when you got that goal for the other team?” 

Noticing improvement: “Your backpack is looking very tidy. I noticed you cleaned it out this week. How did it feel?” (Most effective if you stick to the backpack topic and do not mention that her room is a huge mess and how can she stand living like a pig.) Encouragement is not about gaining more compliance.

Try it on yourself

Finally, the hardest task of all, try to encourage yourself. I’m not talking Stuart Smalley, “I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me!” I mean noticing that you keep showing up to parent; you are working on adding new things (other than yelling) to help your family cooperate. Pay attention to how much more successfully you are dealing with a toddler’s tantrums or a teen’s sass without taking it personally. Encouragement is a useful, handy and meaningful tool to practice with kids of all ages!

What Can Change?

Anxiety happens - let’s use that energy, and not spend too much time fretting.

When we are parenting in an anxious time, whether it be anxiety due to our personal problems, our kids problems, our work problems, problems in the community or even world problems we can become debilitated by stress and worry.

Sometimes we soothe ourselves with sugar, or booze, or the internet, or over-talking, or over-sleepings. And don't get me wrong, little doses of all of the above are excellent and can be a form of self-care, but let's diversify our portfolio, shall we?

When faced with a scary unknown I try to add a few new thoughts into my head, "I can't control the outcome of my mammogram, or if there is lice on my child's head, or if my new boss likes me, or if the school district lines will change or what happens on election day, but TODAY I can go to bed with a neat closet. Today I CAN wipe down those counters. Today I CAN put healthy food into my body. 

I like to go back to basics. Food, sleep, play, work. I don't try to STOP surfing the internet, I just make a 25 minute space to work on something productive. I don't try to STOP eating some chocolate, I just get out the carrots also. I don't try to STOP worrying so I can sleep, I just add in a bath, a screen shut down time, a meditation. 

In times of anxiety we need to lean on each other, take baby steps, and keep wiping down the counters, because hey - a clean counter can't make things worse!

Back Talk: Back Down or Fight Back?

When our child back talks we can get emotional and keep the lecture going, and often what we get in return is a big fat eye roll!

7 Alternatives to Backing Down OR Fighting Back THe Backtalk!

1. If they have JUST back talked - avoid saying, “Don’t back talk me.” or “We don’t back talk in THIS family.” Because . . . ummmm. . . it they already did.

2. When you are not angry - sit one on one and re-play the scenario with them. “Hon, I’m trying to understand, when I reminded you to take the trash our the response was so intense. Any ways you can think the trash could be taken out without anger and hostility?” (If you have a teen - check out this audio blog: http://balancingactllc.net/blog/2019/6/25/communicating-with-teens It describes the “Circle Back”)

3. Inform them, not at back talk time, “When I am spoken to rudely I will stop what we are doing and take the dogs for 30 minutes in the woods. “ or “I am unwilling to drive people who speak to me disrespectfully until the next day.” or “If there is disrespect the car will be on lockdown for 24 hours.” Then WHEN they try back-talking again, let the consequence unfold - no reminders, no I told you so, let experience do the heavy lifting.

4. Most kids backtalk at one time or another. We want to diminish it, we probably can’t eradicate it.

5. Tone down our issuing of commands, instructions, good ideas or “nifty tips”.

6. Ignore the backtalk and see if they do the task - just as an experiment. This one takes a lot of self-control and will need to coincide with different self-talk. “My child is cooperative, this will pass, he is doing the chore, he doesn’t sass his teacher.”

7. Back talk is relieving stress for them or solving a problem or showing their power - how can we help them relieve stress, solve their problems or be powerful in another way? Think — “adding in” skills and techniques instead of “STOP Back talking!”

Consistency with Compassion

When we keep bumping into the same problem, like teeth brushing, room cleaning, or dishwasher clearing, we tend to try all sorts of ineffective things at inconsistent times. One day we get very, very serious and KAPOWEE!

“If you don’t brush your teeth every day, you are paying for your own dental care.”

“Whatever is on that floor when I come upstairs is getting donated.”

“Ok fine, don’t do the dishwasher and forget about going out this weekend.”

We accidentally, unconsciously, mix very serious with fairly inconsistent. What if we flipped this on its head and combine extremely consistent with fairly lighthearted?

This takes a lot of upfront work. It asks us to be organized, reliable, and follow through. Consider, though, what’s to be gained. We have a better chance of getting that task actually done on a regular basis. We plump the relationship with our beloved children. We spare everyone from yelling, anger, and blowing up.

Teeth Brushing. Do they like to brush their teeth with us? Could we ditch sugar during the week and enforce just once-a-day brushing? Then—consistently and with compassion and humor—reach a hand out and sing a little ditty to our child that it’s tooth-brushing time.

Bedrooms. Do bedrooms need de-cluttering? Have the children touched those art project gifts from three years ago? Does every stuffy need to live on the bed? Do they tidy best when we are in the room or when they are alone? Do they like music when they tidy? One parent of five kids shared that by the time she got down to kid 4 and 5 she realized it was much more effective to pop by their rooms every evening with a cup of tea, lay on their beds and interact consistently and casually with them about dirty clothes in bin, books picked up, trash in trash bin. Consistent connection worked so much better than berating them every few weeks when she really got mad.

Dishwasher. Could it be that the 11-year-old wants to do the dishwasher just at some point before bed? 11-year olds want to feel agency and freedom; they truly hate being told what to do. Could we just rinse and stack breakfast dishes and be willing to cook dinner once the dishwasher is re-booted? Maybe one text reminder, “When the dishwasher is cleared the tacos shall commence!”

Mix consistency with humor, follow-through with compassion and you might untangle some of the day-to-day tensions and make more room for fun and cooperation.

How Families Can Navigate the Road to Cooperation

*Published in the Washington Parent, January 2020

Hoping for less stress in 2020? Here are some New Year's resolutions to add to your list:

• Inspire your family to work together and share the load of household responsibilities

• Respect and support other family members' solutions to shared problems

• See children as capable partners and use collaboration instead of exasperation to get things done.

Who doesn't want more help around the house? That's probably a universal wish. But some of us have the feeling that we have to do it all by ourselves. In many families, someone will gravitate toward the role of "boss," and in certain seasons of life (new baby, new job, moving) this can be an efficient, short-term way to run a family. However, if we hold on to the "boss" role for too long, we will come to find that it's an energy- and relationship-draining way to run the family.

What to do?

You may already have reached the conclusion that you don't want to do it all yourself, but you don't know how to cultivate the elusive goal of cooperation. How do we elicit help around the house? When are kids going to "see" what needs to be done and then get the energy, motivation and skills to do it?

For the purposes of this article, we are going to focus on those perennial family household projects that affect everyone - things like organizing the front hall closet, keeping the garage from turning into a dump, preparing meals and planning vacations.

Let's use the example of the front hallway closet. You know how the eyes are said to be the windows to the soul? Well, I believe the front hallway is the window to the family. How we exit and enter the house speaks to us, speaks to our kids and speaks to our visitors. Does it say, "We are a mess and can't get it together" or does it say, "We've got this, and we do lots of interesting things that we are usually on time for!"

Six steps to better cooperation

If you're stuck in the "mess" camp and would like to get more organized, help is on hand from Julie Morgenstern, New York TimesBest Selling author of six books, including her latest, "Time to Parent." In a recent conversation, I asked her how she would gain the cooperation of a nine-year-old, for example, in helping to clean out the over-stuffed, under-sorted, dumping ground of the front hall closet. Here is what she suggested:

1. Mindset Shift

Kids like doing projects and they like doing stuff with you - as long as you come to it with a sense of fun and don't act like it's a burden to you or your kids. Remind yourself that learning and practicing organization is one of the greatest gifts parents can give their kids. It gives them a great sense of self-sufficiency, agency and skill.

1. Ask for help and respect their time table 

Start with an open-ended question, "Look at this closet, it doesn't really work very well, does it? What do you think is wrong with it?" Invite your child to analyze with you. Is it that things get lost and no one can find them? They're hard to put away? The space is too cluttered? Stuff falls down? The rod is too high? There is no container? Then you say, "I need your brain power." Continue with visioning. "What is essential and needed on a daily basis? Let's make a list of those, and then guide your kids in seeing how tackling this job will impact the family. "What are we going to gain? How will it help our family if we get this squared away?"

1. Make a plan

Determine together the three to five categories that should live in the closet. What are the zones? Create a plan for coats, shoes, bags, seasonal accessories, sports equipment or other items that need to have a place.

1. Sort it out

Sorting is magical. Start there, and additional needs and answers will bubble up on their own. Take everything out of the closet and divide things into one of four categories: keep in the closet, find another home, donate, trash. Try to make it a physical and fun activity. Ask kids how long they think it will take, and then have them set a timer.

1. Have an open mind

Don't feel like you have to have all the answers and the solution before you start. Be willing to listen to and accept your kids' ideas about how to get the closet organized. Say (and truly believe) "I think it will be better if you help. I think you will bring good ideas to the project." Remember, this front closet is shared, and if they solve the problem they are more likely to respect the solution and do the upkeep more reliably.

1. Aim for "Good Enough"

Working with your child to achieve an adequate result with their problem-solving input and cooperation is better than forcing them to do things exactly the way you like them. Avoid rushing and refrain from criticizing. Accept your kids as emerging organizers. They don't have to be perfect; the solution doesn't have to be exactly what you imagined. If you can do that, you will find your load gets lighter and your relationship with your kids gets deeper.

Common obstacles to cooperation

There are predictable speedbumps in the road to cooperation. If we ignore them and accelerate ahead, we can get off track. If we slow down and address them, we usually stay on the road to cooperation and find ourselves with a mostly cleaned-out closet and a good relationship with our kid. Dara Kessler, a Certified Parent Educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP) and mother of two teen boys, has identified four ideas parents should keep in mind when encouraging cooperation.

1. No "solution" is permanent

Expect to change things up in three weeks to a year. Chores, motivation and getting things done are continuous works in progress.

1. Give up on top-down 

Parents will have more success gaining cooperation when the kids generate the list of what needs to be done and how to do it. Use inexpensive office supplies to make lists, leave notes, brainstorm ideas. Rather than your gopher, assistant or underling, your child should be treated as a full partner in problem solving.

1. Take time to train

Parents often have a blind spot in terms of their kids' capability and expect them to know how to do a task when they have never been taught how. On the other hand, with adequate training, they are capable of learning more than we may think. For example, they can be taught how to fill out their own forms, clean air conditioner coils and patch and paint holes in walls.

1. Let go of control

Things fall apart when we rush our kids or act like we know how to do everything ourselves. We are disrespecting our kids when we take jobs over from them. Of course, it's easier, faster and neater to cook, clean and organize ourselves. We need to let go of that if our goal is to raise helpful, capable, cooperative children.

Make a resolution to free yourself in 2020 from the burden of being the "boss." When you don't have to have all the answers you create space for new ideas, plumped-up mutual respect and creative and inspired ways to meet the needs of the situation. You'll start seeing your family as a cooperative and fun team who can count on each other to solve problems, clean out closets and maintain order. What a great way to start the New Year!

Treat, Treasure or Trash?

The holidays are officially over. It's time to review Treat, Treasure or Trash.

I love, love, LOVE holiday cards. LOVE, and, it's time to let them go. I will sit down one last time to flip through each and every one. Appreciate everyones kids, vacations and pets and then I will release them. 

Treats: Your holiday cards to me. These are treats. I can watch your life from the sidelines and be grateful you thought of me. However, your holiday card to me is NOT a treasure. I do not need to file it, keep it, store it, box it up, label it, or put a rubber band around it. If I keep your treat, with too many other treats, it turns into trash that I have accidentally filed, kept, stored, boxed, labeled or rubber banded. Who needs trash in their house?

Treasure: My holiday card is a treasure to me. I keep a few so my kids can have copies. I throw a few into my daily tickler file so a few times a month I remember how cute my boys are, how great our vacations are and how much I still love my husband and the Bentley. 

Trash: After January 8th-sh, holiday cards are trash. We pitch the trash and open up our mantle piece, our piano top, our good silver bowl to emptiness. Emptiness invites calmness and creativity. Then we go on to live our own big lives and wait for the days to get short and the 2020 cards to roll in!

Seasons of Parenting

Kids change, we change, seasons change. . .

Parenting is very seasonal work, and I think we are devastated when we find a solution that works for a while and then suddenly doesn’t. Instead of letting it go we DOUBLE DOWN on our solution. IT’s as if we trying to STOP the falling of the leaves and instead of raking and going to bed early because the days are shorter we are frantically trying to crazy glue, glue stick, glue gun, scotch tape the leaves BACK on the trees.

Instead, wouldn’t it be easier if we could see each season has a harvest, a loss, a frustration, a lesson and a joy.

New Borns : Harvest – a baby! Loss – sleep, free-time, thinking only of yourself. Frustration – HOW do I do this job. Lesson – life is fragile and strong and unknown and unfolding. Joy – baby smiles, baby smells, onsies.

Babies & Toddlers: Harvest – smiling, walking, chattering, feeding, routines. Loss – knowing when you put your baby down you will find them THERE. Frustration – are they reaching milestones, why don’t they nap regularly, why do they need me to sleep through the night. Lesson – routines are life saving, we are loved and cherished and needed. Joy – chunky expressive legs, joyful discovery, that baby holding our one finger with their WHOLE hand

Pre-Schoolers: Harvest – predictability, beginning of self-care autonomy, classes and experience that expose us to a new world and new people. Loss – no more naps, they have OPINIONS! Frustration – HOW do I get them to STOP saying NO. Lesson – life is exciting and joyful and wonderful and we are masters of the universe. Joy – watching them learn, grow, talk and sing

Elementary Age: Harvest – independence, help around the house, reading and silly jokes. Loss – feeling 100% in control of their day, their friends, their food. Frustration – HOW do I help them behave, find a passion, make their bed? Lesson – life is interesting, amazing, full of possibilities. Joy – we can sit on our butts while they get themselves dressed, shod and ready for school.

Tweens & Teens: Harvest – deep thinking, sassy tv shows, loosening of having to be in control. Loss – KNOWING you are definitely NOT 100% in control. Frustration – they are out too much, they are in too much, they are too social, they aren’t serious in school, they are too serious in school, they have no friends, the PHONE?! Lesson – life is scary and thrilling all at once. Joy – talking books or politics or sharing funny YouTube videos, watching their interests un-fold.

Baby It’s Cluttered Inside . . . . I Really Can’t Stay . . .

Photo by Comstock/Stockbyte / Getty Images

Right before the holidays is the perfect time to de-clutter, purge and get your house in order.  I hear you people, “Paige, we are too busy.  Paige (whining voice, yes adults whine just as much as children), I haven’t even BEEN shopping, I have to do holiday cards.   Paige, I don’t wanna!”   

1.     Hardly anyone wants to de-clutter, don’t wait for inspiration.  Please re-read The Most Exciting Nifty Tip . . . . Possibly . . . Ever.

2.     Inspiration will come WHILE you are de-cluttering, NOT before.

3.     The time compression will HELP you not HARM you.  If you have to clean out that closet in 30 minutes you will spend a lot less time thinking about, considering, weighing options, and making perfect choices. 

4.     Interacting with all your stuff, all your spouses stuff, all your kids stuff will inform your holiday shopping.  If you like hanging it up, picking it up, stepping on it, containing it . . . well then, you will buy more.  If all that bugs you . . . . well . . . you shall re-consider stuff as gifts.  Check out Fly Lady for clutter free gift giving inspiration.

5.     We are entering the stay indoors part of the year.  Remember school holidays, snow days, and sick days are upon us.  Won’t you be nicer to your kids, to your spouse, to yourself if your home is more orderly and de-cluttered?

*Expectations, A Practicum

Is this what Thanksgiving is going to look like at your house?

Expectations: Cozy car ride talking to each other and playing the alphabet game and singing Raffi songs.  Delicious home cooked nutritious meals where children try new foods and eat yellow and green and orange things.  Getting to that pilates class & long walks after meals.  Playing board games and doing puzzles. Combed hair, none of it in eyes, all of it in a hairband and no squabbles over styles or washing. Wearing the fancy & nice clothes Nana bought, all of it ironed, most of it unstained.  Loving and understanding relatives who honor, cherish and cheer for each other.  Sleeping in, oh I'm not crazy, I read that other post, Expectations 101, just a couple of mornings of uninterrupted sleep will do.                                             

Uh oh . . . . is this what we are really doing?

Reality:  Traffic, she is on his side, they don't like that song, every 35 minute bathroom breaks.   Carbs, sugar, booze, caffeine, carbs, more carbs. More booze, caffeine, carbs, lethargy, complaining, fat pants.  Begging and pleading and even crying to get them off screens and standing up.  Lice.  Wrinkled shirt, I took that darn PEP class and let them pack, they forgot their khakis and now there is no choice but sweats for Thanksgiving dinner.  Snarky and gossipy relatives who judge the kids, the parenting, the lice, the sweat pants.  Four year old who wakes up at 4:30 am, urgent care, strep throat.

Expectations 101, Read it, learn it, try it, live it.                

*Originally posted in 2014. Still makes me giggle.

Routines

We often underestimate the power, control and nimbleness of a solid habit or routine. We snub our noses at the ordinary, the old fashioned, the simple. And, there is amazing brain research that proves what our Grandmas knew. Routines and habits get the job done! Routines are an often over-looked, under-used parenting tool. Here are 5 points to consider.

1.  When something is routine or a habit we do not have to weigh options, reinvent the wheel or check in with our feelings to get into action. It's Sunday, it's laundry day, I do the laundry. I do the laundry if I'm tired, have a cold, just got back from vacation or horror of all horrors, I don't FEEL like doing the laundry. I do the laundry if there are 5 loads or 1/2 a load. Suddenly, with very little thinking effort, clean clothes all week long!

2. Routines and habits help us parent, and I for one need all the help I can get! It's not so much we are mean, it's just that we always do a 10 minute tidy before bed time. It's not that I'm controlling so much as NO ONE moves on with their evening until the kitchen is clean. Dad isn't a party pooper, it's that we only have access to our video games Friday - Sunday.

3. Habits and routines treat us gently and kindly. If I have the habit of looking at my calendar each and every time I make an appointment, I avoid re-scheduling, re-jiggering and accidentally double booking my day. When we are late, when we double book, when we are unprepared we usually aren't so nice to ourselves or our kids. Running late? Every red light is personal, every slow driver is out to get me, and oh the berating I give myself. After I've been so mean to myself, I certainly deserve that giant, sugary coffee drink to forgive me for all the insults I hurled at myself. Habits and routines can minimize these moments, short circuit the cycle, get us on a better path.

4.  Routines and habits free us up to do more interesting things. When getting up, getting out of the house, laundry, dishes, tidying, are mostly routine -- we then have time for fun stuff.  Planning trips, going to parties, playing Banangrams, trying a new recipe, researching new video cameras or reading a new book. . . 

5.  Routines and habits are so fun that here's some reading for us all!  Focus. The Hidden Driver of Excellence - amazing brain research on how to focus, what happens when we lose focus.  The Power of Habit - you will never look at Febreze the same way.  Crazy/Busy - an easy quick read that nails the argument FOR routine, Hallowell makes them sound fun.

Middle School Matters

Middle School is full of angst for our kids, and for us! As parents we are suddenly filled with self-doubt. Do I stay involved and volunteer at the school? Do I go on field trips like my kid LOVED in 3rd grade? Alternately, do I totally back-off and give them lots of space? Do I let them go to sleepovers when I haven’t met the parents? What about devices or social media? How much homework help do I give them? Are they lazy? What is normal and what is a red flag?

Help is on the way! Phyllis Fagell, a middle school counselor, wrote a new and important book, Middle School Matters. Next week I have the distinct pleasure of hosting Phyllis as PEP’s (Parent Encouragement Program) first noted author of the 2019/2020 school year. Join me in learning how we can successfully navigate this new, confusing and potentially exciting parenting terrain. I got Phyllis on the phone to ask a few questions and I hope you join me on November 19th to ask some of your own!

Paige: How do we maintain the delicate balance of being involved and letting go when our kids hit middle school?

Phyllis: Parents gets mixed messages from teachers and parenting experts. Back off vs. stay involved. And our kids give mixed messages. “I do it myself” – like when they were two year olds vs. “I need a you and some help on my science fair project.” When they were two and said “I do it myself” we stayed with them and were directive. When our kids are in middle school we still have to stay in there but can’t be as directive. Middle schoolers have a developmental need to feel capable and for autonomy. We can’t over step.

Paige: How do we handle phones/devices/screens?

Phyllis: Don’t be afraid of the being the bad guy. I restricted my now 18-year-old from a popular social media platform when he was in middle school. At the time he was not grateful, but has since come back and thanked me, “It would have been a giant time suck and saved me from a lot of drama.” Take the long view.  

Parents can ask the question, “What need is the device meeting?”. Is it a certain peer group? Is there an alternate way to be connected to the peer group instead of screens – can they meet in person?

When it comes to things like posting on social media and texting parents should be very clear with middle-schoolers that we will be spot checking, and making sure they are using platforms respectfully. Here’s some language, “We will check, not because we want to shame you or punish you, but because we expect you to make mistakes and we want to be there with you to figure out a way to use this tool responsibly, safely and kindly.”

Paige: What if I don’t have one of the 10 skills you suggest we work on with our middle-schoolers? I’m not great at self-advocating, or having good systems to organize my work?

Phyllis: Self-awareness is key and there is no shame in getting support, taking a class, or whatever you need. Middle school parents are suddenly isolated, so do what you can to keep the community alive. Grow alongside your child and being authentic with them. notice what they might be good at where you struggle, “I love how you take risks and try out for the school shows, I get so nervous when I’m doing a presentation at work.” In any healthy relationship we learn from each others mistakes and growth edges as well as what we are naturally good at, same goes with our kids.

 Paige: I don’t understand how our kids are supposed to have executive function if their brain isn’t developed until their mid-20’s?

 Phyllis: It’s true, a 6th grader doesn’t have executive function skills. Parents come in and say, “My kids is lazy they won’t do their homework.” I have to say, “No, they aren’t lazy, they just don’t have the ability to future plan.” We all need to be providing kids in this age group with a tremendous amount of scaffolding. For example, a child might not be doing well in a class, and have no idea how to rectify the problem. Parents would intuitively know – “go in and talk to your teacher” – but that requires planning and asking for help, verbally or even by email, and all these things are overwhelming to a middle school child. To help we might decide together to email the teacher. The progression would go something like:

1.     Parent writes email with help of child, what exactly is the child confused about, needs help on.

2.     Student writes email with help of parent, be sure there is a proper salutation, grammar is correct.

3.     Student does it independently

That means it would take at least THREE times the child needs to self-advocate before we would start to expect they could do it by themselves. Avoid drawing conclusions about their long term life by any mishaps today,

Paige: Why did you write this book about this particular age group.

Phyllis: There is a lack of resources and research on this age group, it has been neglected and overlooked. I wanted to explore best practices on the research that does exist on this age group. I wanted to give parents and schools a common a language, to frame this age group in a more positive way, to build empathy in all quarters. To see them as a distinct age group and not either as small children or teenagers.

Watch Middle Schoolers video below if you need a giggle. It’s genius!