Ennui….
The bad news cycle, the unknown, the disruption, the demands are all taking a toll on parents. I’m getting more emails and calls about despair, hopelessness and bewilderment. And as parents we simply have to keep going - no options. What fuel can we use when we have lost most of our ability to plan for a ‘normal’ summer or school year next year?
I thumbed through my highlighted and dog eared books and came up with Encouragement! Encouragement isn’t silver linings or positive thinking, but encouragement is a tool kit we can fall back on again and again - in good times and in bad. Who needs encouragement more than parents who are in the trenches, day by day, minute by minute saving the world by socially distancing, quarantining and raising, educating, entertaining and loving our kids. (All while holding down a job or two!)
See What’s Right: Look for the teeniest of things. A sibling being nice to a sibling (even for a nano-second). A bed being made-ish. Outside play with the hose that keeps kids occupied for 27 minutes, and tired when they come inside. I need to be reminded regularly that our attitude is built on a foundation like a house. And if the foundation is deeply negative or pessimistic we have built a weak foundation.
Tend to your nervous system. Our nervous systems are in overdrive. With good reason. We can’t change current events but we can change ourselves. That means focusing on things like eating regularly throughout the day. Eating food that keeps us calm - proteins, vegetables and whole grains, lots of water. Minimizing foods that activate an anxiety response - sugar, caffeine, alcohol. Focus on sleep hygiene, we can’t make ourselves sleep, but we can induce it. An hour before bed turn power down devices, turn the lights down low. Wake up at the same time every morning, this activates your sleep drive more then going to bed at the same time. Having a strategy for WHEN the 3am worries keep you awake. I keep my kindle near by to read in bed, my husband turns on New Age music.
Notice Improvement: 1% better is better. Keep expectations in line with your reality and nudge up your improvements in such small increments that you hardly feel it. This is a way to trick our brain into change (the brain does NOT like change).
Mistakes are part of this whole kit and caboodle. Sometimes we yell at our kids, sometimes we spend too much time moping, or wishing this pandemic wasn’t happening. Then to 'motivate’ ourselves we berate ourselves (or our kids) and speak meanly to everyone. Instead, imagine if mistakes did not make us smaller, or less valuable? What if mistakes were just part of the journey, and not something to be stopped at all costs? I love this quote by Rudolf Dreikurs.
“If we do not allow ourselves to be discouraged, ashamed, or humiliated, we may use our resources to correct our errors, sometimes with better result than if all had gone well from the start.”
5. Contribution. Allowing everyone in the family to contribute is so encouraging. Kids will often do tasks more slowly, less efficiently, with more mess and that’s a small price to pay for them to be encouraged. Expand your idea of contribution - it doesn’t have to use mean chores. What about a sunny disposition, or the speed of forgiveness kids’ seem to naturally have. Notice, notice, notice all the funny, hilarious, wise and new things kids bring into your life and let that contribution soak in.
We feel overwhelmed, angry, at a loss because this is actually very, very, very hard.
PS You can now search my blogs for topics . . . http://balancingactllc.net/blog - need help with chores, or anger, or sibling fighting . . . check it out!