We Don't Know What We Don't Know!

“Why do parents need parent education? Isn’t it instinctual? My parents didn’t take parenting classes.”

“Why do parents need parent education? Isn’t it instinctual? My parents didn’t take parenting classes.”

We don’t know what we don’t know. If you NEVER take a parenting class, please just do this. Write in your calendar to check out your child’s development every six months (www.centerforparentingeducation.org/) . We parents try to stop the 2 year old from chanting, “No”, the 4 year old from tantruming, the 7 year old from wanting to play on a device and the 13 year old from eye rolling. PEOPLE, imagine as a middle-aged person if your kids were ANGRY at you for needing glasses to see, or punished you for forgetting what you just said, or being disappointed in you because your knees hurt. At least 50% of our parenting problems are developmental phases that will pass. I don’t mean don’t address them, I mean address them with compassion and a light heartedness that comes when we know, ‘this too shall pass’.

 

When we get stressed we tend to do MORE of the SAME thing. (Psst. . . that thing hasn’t worked yet.) For instance, if we try to control by being nice and accommodating, when things get hairy we get nicer and more accommodating when the child might benefit from a big old boundary. If we control by being scary and punitive, when things get dicey we get scarier and MORE punitive when the child might benefit from compassion and empathy. Parent education gives us an endless supply of new ideas, ways to connect and insights into our repeated behavior that feels right, but is actually getting in the way.

 

We all need a little help. It really does take a village. We don’t have all the answers. We all have blind spots from our past. Often we enter the parenting game thinking we have two choices: 1. Do the SAME as my parents or 2. Do the OPPOSITE of my parents. We actually have so many more creative, useful and effective options. We can lighten our load, unfurrow our brow and usually laugh a lot when we get together with other parents. Our fellow parents can help us solve our deepest darkest parenting problems, just like we have amazing insight for them.

Take a class, read a book, join a parenting group. I’m here for you if you want suggestions or ideas – email me at paigetrevor@mac.com.

Join me for a parenting bootcamp October 20/21. Go to www.pepparent.org to register. Check out www.paigetrevor.com/events to see upcoming online, or IN THE neighborhood presentations.

 

 

 

3 Ways to Get Out of the House On Time (without yelling, nagging or cajoling)

Getting out of the house on time - true story or urban myth?

Getting out of the house on time - true story or urban myth?

1. The night before, the night before, the night before. Whatever you can DO the night before . . . DO IT! Look at your calendar every night, plus two days ahead. You will be AMAZED at the things you have signed up for, the bumps in the road you can smooth out, the adjustments you can make while you still have some options.

2. Notice what kids CAN do. Kids often are super duper capable at school and suddenly become helpless at home. If they put their shoes on at school, they can do it home. All the reminders and nagging are a way to get attention. Anyone with children over 5 and are saying, "Put your shoes on." are wasting their breath. Kids KNOW what they are supposed to do.

3. Clean up the entryway.  Two pairs of shoes MAXIMUM per person, extra shoes go in closets in the persons room. Kick out all the baseball hats, extra re-usable bags, shopping bags, sports equipment from last season, side-walk chalk that no one will use, and out of season coats. I kid you not, if our entryway tells us, "You got this! You are ready. You are tidy and organized." we will be able to get OUT more smoothly.

3.5 Set your home / car clocks 10 minutes fast. Some people don't like this, I found it very useful. I STILL find it very useful.

PARENTING + ORGANIZING: A LOVE STORY

Can we improve relationships by de-clutter? YES WE CAN!

Can we improve relationships by de-clutter? YES WE CAN!

What if I told you you could REDUCE the number, and usually the severity of power struggles through organizing? Would it give you motivation? Would you be curious? Would you get in the game?

I love to look at problems from a different angle, a new spot, a fresh perspective – let’s take a look at a few common power struggle spots and see what happens if we organized them a wee bit.

MORNING MAYHEM

Get up earlier then your child and get YOURSELF ready. Do this, no excuses. This will GREATLY reduce the stress level in the house. You HAVE the power. Try it for THREE days this week. Let me know the difference when you face your morning breath kids fully dressed, cell phone charged, coffee cup in hand. Your ability to deal with the typical morning drama will be greatly enhanced.  

De-clutter the kids clothes. Take anything out of their closet that they love wearing and they can’t wear to school, bada boo bada bing – no more struggling over shorts in winter, princess dresses during the week, or anything that gets you hot under the collar.

Remember in real estate it’s location, location, location. In Morning Mayhem it’s the night before, the night before, the night before. Pack bags, charge cell phones, prep lunch, check on sports equipment / gym clothes. IF you don’t wanna fight – GET ORGANIZED!

HOMEWORK HASSLES

Create homework location/station. Purge it often. DELETE anything that is not homework related (comic books, supplies they don’t use – even if you spent a lot of money, and they might use the supply someday. If you can’t part with that expensive supply, put it in the basement and get it out of the kids homework area).

Uphold a homework time. Check out The Learning Habit for detailed instructions. There IS a formula.  Our job then is to UPHOLD the limits on time, screens, etc. This getting organized will keep you busy and greatly minimize the time you have to nag, lecture and power struggle.

Create a weekly review with each child to get an update on grades, homework, long term projects and ways you can help. Resist the urge to probe/nag other then this weekly meeting time. Keep a private list to go to when you really, really want to probe or nag and you can pull it out when you meet.

DINNER TIME

Menu plan, here are some tips. Ask kids for input. Stick to the plan. Expect complaining. Don’t react to the complaining. Enjoy your healthy-ish food.

Get a crock pot. Get a crock pot. Get a crock pot. Use it. Use it. Use it.

Clean out your fridge. Honestly, we won’t be so crabby and short tempered in the evenings if our refrigerator isn’t gross. Trust me.

 

 

Where IS The Magic?

“Inspiration does exist but it must find you working.” Pablo Picasso

All that stuff you’ve been avoiding . . . the paper work, the de-cluttering, the training your child to make his lunch, do her laundry, drive the car you AIN’T never gonna feel like doing it. Ever. Never. Not in a million years. Let’s all just STOP waiting for the inspiration to feel like doing the stuff we’ve been avoiding.

Inspiration will bubble UP from the working. It’s a mind bender, it’s a game changer, it’s the NO EXCUSES zone. Well, you can keep all your excuses, “I’m too tired.” “I don’t feel like it.” “I don’t know how.” “Someone else should do it.” Keep ‘em, AND do the dreaded task anyway. But here’s a couple tips.

Don’t obsess over the final destination. Look in the distance, squint your eyes, start MOVING. Movement feeds your brain. We all try to THINK our way out of situations. Think a little, move a little, learn a lot.

Start with today – some of us spend a lot of time analyzing our problems, the WHY of the procrastination – the deep seeded issues, the angst, the theory when really we might get further setting our timer for 10 minutes and doing something.

Go ahead and quit, but start again. Re-frame quitting as resting, or re-grouping. If all you have done is taken a rest, it’s much easier to get back in the game rather than having to berate yourself as a quitter

We will get to the magic of our projects by doing our projects.

I’m here for you! Email me if you want any help. I mean it.

Anxiety!

Transitions are hard, and stressful and scary. Baby to toddler. Toddler to Pre-school. Pre-School to big kid school. Elementary school to Middle School. . . . you get what I'm saying. No matter where we are on the parenting path there is ANXIETY during these transitions. Are they ready? Are we ready? What's going to happen? Did I do it right? To help during these transitions I like to go back to basics. What things can I do to lower (not eliminate)  anxiety? What can I do that has very few side effects? What can I do that's free? Here's somewhere to start  . . . 

1. Talk to your friends, but don't make it your STORY. That means share your anxiety with your inner-circle, not the check out gal at Target. Have the anxiety be a part of your story, not the main event. Remember, we are lots of other things in addition to being a worried parent. 

2. Progressive Muscle Relaxation is where you tense and then relax all your muscles. Here's a link to a guided practice I've been using lately. Try on iTunes also, there are plenty of FREE ones. No side effects. I try to do mine about 90 minutes before bed. It's not a miracle, AND it's worth a try.

3. Watch a SHOW! I'm really into the Great British Bakeoff, I'm late to the party, but it's still fun. Ask around what people are watching. Remembering there is more to life then toddlers eating veggies, what school lottery our kids get into, if our middle schooler has enough friends, when our high schooler is gonna clean their room. Laugh, be scared, be engaged about SOMETHING else besides our worry. Don't worry, our worry will be waiting for us after the show.

4. Read a book. Here are a couple that I have found helpful. The Worry Cure. The Opposite of Worry. Anxiety is a normal human emotion, some of us have just gotten TOO GOOD at practicing it. 

5. Practice gratitude. Jotting down three things a day on a piece of paper that you can review will remind you how much we love traveling, what a treat a non-humid day is, how much joy our pet can give us and what a delight our children can bring.

Here's to a less stressful (NOT stress-free) transition from summer to school for us all!

ONE Tool WE Have and THEY Don't. . . . USE IT!

PRE-FRONTAL CORTEX

The pre-frontal cortex, sigh. . . .this sucker is truly the most underused of the Underused Parenting Tools! It’s a shame too, because it’s one tool we have that our kids do not have. Our pre-frontal cortex is fully developed at 25, so most of us have had a full decade or more of this sublime, nimble, amazing tool.  What does it do, you ask? 

Differentiate among conflicting thoughts: I really want to shriek to my four year old, “Seriously, put your shoes on, it’s not that HHHHhaaaaarrrddd". I also want to act encouragingly and I suspect simply escorting the four year old to the shoes is going to be more effective, encouraging, and relationship-building then the shrieking.

Determine good and bad, better and best: Getting up at 7 am, or 15 minutes before everyone else is good. Getting up at 7:30, or 15 minutes after everyone else is bad. Getting up 6:50 and having my coffee is better. Getting up at 6:30, having my coffee, doing 10 minutes of yoga stretches, and getting dressed BEFORE anyone else wakes is best. 

Determine future consequences of current activities: If I nag, nag, and nag – child will only do things when I nag. When I shut the old trap I see what the child does and can start working towards improvement.

Working toward a defined goal: I would like each person in our family to get up on their own, take responsibility for self, and leave the house with maximum of goodwill and minimum of tension. This week I will wake up 15 minutes before everyone and have my coffee. In two weeks I will wake up 20 minutes before everyone and have my coffee and do 10 minutes of yoga stretches. In 3 weeks we will begin training on laying out clothes the night before – etc. In a couple months, our defined goal of leaving the house on time with each person responsible for themselves and enjoying maximum goodwill is happening. Not every day – because family is family and we can’t expect miracles!

Prediction of outcomes: I can predict my two year old can’t tolerate the grocery after daycare. I can predict that I am not a good "trainer" first thing in the morning when I am groggy. I can predict that my tardy spouse will be late to the soccer game. I can predict that the teen will roll his eyes at the curfew time. Re-read The Only Shocking Thing for down and dirty tips on outcomes you can predict by age group.

 Social "control" (the ability to suppress urges that, if not suppressed, could lead to socially unacceptable outcomes): Pass by the Ben’n’Jerry’s, want it passionately, do not buy it because you know you can’t stop at one bite or one bowl. Feel really, really angry at your spouse at a dinner party – want to pinch his head off. Suppress (NOT repress) the urge to pinch head off in the moment, discuss spousal infraction in the car. Talk calmly to child who is screaming at you (resisting the urge to scream at child to stop screaming at you in front of every gosh durn person at the park!). 

For more ideas, CEO in da House illustrates some nifty ways you can expect your own CEO to support and talk to you.

 

Try One Now, Save Some for Later. . .

Worry About Yourself:  Stop whatever you are doing and please watch this video: Worry About Yourself. I will wait. What did you see? If you have bigger kids, you will be kicking yourself that you were not more patient as they struggled and enjoyed struggling to take care of themselves. If you have little kids, you probably got a back spasm from re-watching what just happened this very morning! How wise is that child who knows that Dad should “drive," and she was just fine back there with her own project, worrying about herself. Seriously, how often are we half-dressed and un-kept and yelling at our tween to tuck in his shirt? Or we may not be at our ideal weight and we hear ourselves advising our child to monitor her food intake. Try the Worry About Yourself tool; it’s sobering and effective. Feel free to show the video to your kids, and you may also be using the Underused Parenting Tool of laughing, free of charge!

Working Out:  I am passionate about working out as a parenting tool. Let me know if you think a 20-minute walking podcast with parenting tips would be of interest – I’m thinking about making one! The research on exercise and how it impacts our brains, our moods, and the quality of our sleep is so giant and amazing and so, so, SO overlooked. If I were Queen of the World, I would tolerate no complaining unless someone has a workout routine. And you guys, do not think I mean join a gym, workout for an hour and bench-press 200 pounds. No, I mean walk 20 minutes a day, download free exercise videos, ride your bike to work, do 10 minutes of abs one day, 15 minutes of arms the next and finish off with a stretch on the third day. Watch your anger melt away, your creativity blossom, your self-pity vanish and your resolve grow. Please e-mail me for specific suggestions; I have a million of them. I’m serious!

Routines:  Neuroscience tells us that our brains don’t like to work hard. We often do the same thing we did yesterday. It is cognitively tiring to try something new, so we don’t. That means that whatever routines/habits we create in our family are what we will do, because it’s easiest for our brains. We all like to be on autopilot, kids included. Start slowly, build your routines methodically, and expect to see better results, less nagging, and diminished resistance to chores because "we don’t feel liiiiiikkkeee it.The FlyLady is my inspiration. Check her out! Think: Gas up the car every Thursday, laundry every Sunday, wipe the kitchen table down (has to be cleared to really do the job) every morning. You get the gist!

3 Ways to Get Organized this Summer

This picture CRACKED me up! Because, really? Really?

This picture CRACKED me up! Because, really? Really?

Summer is a great time to de-clutter and get ready for the brand new YOU that will show up in September (right? don't we always think the real us will show up when the kids go back to school?)

1. Supplies: Get a garbage bag for trash, a white kitchen bag for donate and a brown shopping bag for books. Simply staging the supplies can be enough to help you START. If you want to de-clutter this weekend, stage the bags in the room. When you stage you will start thinking it through . . . Where will I take the donate? What day does the trash get collected? I'm visiting Aunt Molly in a couple weeks, I can set up a different donate bag for her. My spouse can take the kids to that puppet show on Saturday so the house is quiet.

2. Timing: Whatever time you think you can tolerate doing the task, especially if you have avoided the area for awhile, divide by two and set your timer for that time less 10 minutes. You want to feel victorious and energized after the session, not sad and defeated. You have got to build up your endurance for long de-cluttering sessions.

3. Perfect Solutions: Please, please, PUH-LEASE let these go. You will not know what to do with everything. Create a category for "I don't know what to do with this." And allow that to simply exist and grow and pile up. The answers often bubble up from the movement of your body and the objects, NOT from thinking. 

3.5 When the timer goes off (review: amount of time you think you can endure divided by two and then subtract 10 minutes: Example: I will organize for 2 hours! Ok, I will set my timer for 50 minutes.) Set your timer for those last 10 minutes and put things to "rights", trash in the trash can, donate bags in the car, bags to Aunt Molly with the suitcases, books to donate in the car too). If you skip this part and leave bags and debris around you will think/believe you did a bad job, aren't good at de-cluttering and feel defeated. If you COMPLETE the putting things to "rights" you will walk down the hall, peek in the room and think, "I am efficient, capable and creative. I'm so glad I found the bag of size 6 pants for Joey, he'll need them soon. I'm gonna organize a little more tomorrow, I'm good at it!"

Happiness Can't be Given

I love this quote! I use it a lot in classes I teach for PEP (Parent Encouragement Program).  PEP is based on democratic parenting. It’s neither permissive (child in charge), nor autocratic (parent in charge). EVERYONE is entitled to, “Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” PURSUIT, people. Not acquisition, nor fulfillment, or purchase or trade of happiness from one to another. Each of us has the right to pursue our own happiness.

Giving our child happiness – a toy, laissez-faire bedtime, letting them leave their crap all over, saving their butts regularly by driving forgotten work to school ain’t gonna teach them how to catch happiness themselves.

AND – parents, I hate to tell you, same goes for us. When we demand a semester of little Tom receiving all green lights, or darling Eliza making the travel soccer team, or dear Nathan having copious social engagements, or Joe getting into the college of our dreams - we are asking them to catch happiness for us.

Let's examine, ponder, explore, where we are giving away happiness and satisfaction. Any where the child might do better catching happiness on his own?  Do we fill his calendar with so many social/extra-curricular activities that he only needs to show up? Consider, it’s a different skill set to show up then it is to decide, and pursue, on your own, what you might like - karate, or piano, or filmmaking, or fencing, or video games, or nothing (gasp!).

Alternately, am I so obsessed with my kids lives, grades, friends, weight, room that I overlook my own life, work, friends, weight and room? It’s much less anxiety provoking trying to fix up someone else then it is to look at, and start to work on our own “stuff”. Catching happiness for another feels easier, seductive and compelling because we don’t have to worry about disappointment in ourselves. If they aren’t happy – well, we can give them a lecture. If they don't follow through, we can give them a lecture. If we chase happiness and aren’t happy, or if we start chasing happiness and don't follow through . . . ugh! We have to feel our own disappointment, discouragement and shame.

Where are we unhappy how about focusing on ourselves rather then nagging a child? Where are we giving happiness to our child? Where are we demanding happiness from our child? Shall we spend this next week catching our own happiness and leave it up to our kids to catch their own?

How to Support Without Rescuing

Photo by martinhosmart/iStock / Getty Images
Photo by martinhosmart/iStock / Getty Images

My mom made made terrible choices as it related to money, nutrition and all around self-care. I watched as my grandparents spent YEARS being very, very angry at her, lecturing her and then rescuing her. They stayed terse and disappointed - to TEACH her a LESSON. A lesson she never learned.

My mom was willing to pay the price of their disappointment to get the money/support she wanted. Their disapproval fed her low self-esteem and discouragement. She spent her energy despising her parents, herself and working on ways to be rescued by them. My mom felt she earned all that money and support due to the indignities/lectures/disapproval she endured. Her parents felt/thought/hoped she was one lecture away from change, so they kept on lecturing. They were in an endless cycle of:  Remind, Rescue and Reprimand.

Of course, everything is so clear when it's not YOU, right?! It's so easy to see someone ELSE being overly-controlling, or too permissive, or condescending. In my own life I know I do this Remind, Rescue and Reprimand cycle. When I'm able to be conscious here's what I try to remember . . . 

1. Children/Teens/People grow, change and develop at their own d**n pace. As much as we try, we can't force them to want what we want them to want, even if it's super duper good for them.

2. The message of love doesn't get through if it's coated in disappointment, judgment or blame.

3. Better to let children experience consequences, disappointment and strong feelings when they are young. We all know from experience, life is FILLED with consequences, disappointment and strong feelings.

4. Uphold boundaries with love and compassion. If they test you, uphold the boundary and stay close to the person. If they run out of money, compassionately listen, problem solve and stand by their side WITHOUT giving them money.

5. Lecturing relieves our stress, but at the cost of the relationship with our child and robs the child of experiences.

3 Ways to Get Kids to Clean Their Room (Plus a bonus!)

Kids clean their rooms, true story or urban myth?

Kids clean their rooms, true story or urban myth?

1. De-clutter it. It's all your stuff - you bought it, you own it. Get a REASONABLE amount of stuff in their rooms. I've been in your houses people. TOO. MUCH. STUFF.

2. Chill-the-***-out. If we are worked up, emotional and disappointed in them, guess what?! They will HATE cleaning their room because we are being big ole jerks. Remember, what gets fired together gets wired together.

When we FIRE negative energy around tidying rooms. We blame, shame and use pain to try to motivate them to clean up. We accidentally WIRE tidying room with stress and anxiety and kids begin to avoid at all costs tidying their rooms. I'll say it again, what gets fired together gets wired together.

3. Slow and Short. Ask your child how long they can tolerate cleaning. Take 5 minutes off that time and use a timer. Even if they are being super good at cleaning and cooperative, STOP at the designated time. Better to leave the party when you are still having fun then to regret what you do late night, ya know what I'm saying, people? Also, move glacially, slowly. Try to do less. I don't know why this works, but try it. If I'm overwhelmed, I slow waaaaaay down!

BONUS GUEST BLOG FROM PEP LEADER SUZANNE RITTER!

Summers with young children are bitter sweet; filled with lazy afternoons, slip and slides, popsicles and filled with rinsing sand and sunscreen from burning little eyes, pushing hot, hungry children around town and singing for hours in the car to sick or tired ones on the family vacation. 

Raising young children can be physically exhausting and mentally numbing. While we all have parenting challenges, did you know many can be prevented, avoided sidestepped or at least handled more effectively? 

In Bootcamp you can expect to:

1) Gain a better understanding of your child’s development and what it means to be an effective parent in today’s world.

2) Learn to set limits and solve behavior problems calmly and consistently.

3) Use positive discipline methods to address tantrums, power struggles and other misbehavior. 

4) Foster cooperation and responsibility.

5) rediscover the joy of parenting

ENJOY, RELAX, HAVE FUN!

It's time to CHILLLLLLLL . . . . . . . 

It's time to CHILLLLLLLL . . . . . . . 

I can hear you over the internet . . . . "Finally, a post that's fun and not bossy or depressing."  It's a relief, it's summer, it's fuuuuuunnnnnnnnn!

Having fun together is one of the best, most effective and life enhancing relationship tools.  Better than a well crafted "I Message", better than a routine (well, wait, hold on, I love me a routine), better than a logical consequence, better than a lecture.

We forget that laughing together, sharing a delightful moment, going on an adventure is the real glue that binds us. The relationship is where we find the powerful influence we are searching for.  Summer is the perfect time to add in the fun, the spice, the laughter.  Here are some ideas for you.

Banangrams - great for all ages, funny, and the teeniest bit educational for any over achieving parents out there.

Hiking - not too long (seriously, I know YOU can go 5 miles), just a couple miles, somewhere pretty with a sugary and yummy snack, in a nice portion control size baggie.  Outside + fresh air + movement + not too long + yummy treat = fun memories or awful memories that are fun to share later.  Win or Win.

The Onion - Seriously?  Honestly? It's not called, "America's Finest News Source" for no reason.   There is something for everyone, here are a few of my favorites:  Man Treats Mother to Details,  More Colleges Offer Dick Around Programs, and this one just slays me, I am giggling right now . . . Cracks In Facade Visible As Teen Enters Third Day Vacationing With Friend’s Family.

Cooking - if you cook stuff they want to eat and you let them help it can be a lot of fun.  Some hard won tips -- cook with only one child with you in the kitchen, otherwise it's all elbows to the ribs and complaining about who gets to do what.  Also, let them cook messy.  So much more fun if you aren't tense and wiping up every dang spill behind them. 

Ignore them.  Some benign neglect is just perfect for summer.  Don't get roped in by them whining at you, "I'm soooo bored."  If you hear them coming, head for the bathroom with your kindle and feign stomach distress, they'll figure something out.

Watch the unfolding with the fireflies.  Fireflies are magical little creatures that come and go so quickly.  A perfect metaphor for watching our children (or ourselves) unfold.  We are all unfolding into the people we are supposed to be. Sometimes instead of coaxing, worrying, lecturing, nagging, reminding, checking, double checking . . . we can just sit back and relax, enjoy who they are today, enjoy who we are today.  Then we can watch the fireflies and laugh about all the fun we had that day. . . what could be better?

It's NOT My Fault!

Our complaining can lead us to what we need to work on!

Our complaining can lead us to what we need to work on!

Messy children, whiny children, a bad back, a crummy boss, a lack of motivation, too much procrastination, a stale marriage, a load of debt, a cluttered house, n extra 15 lbs, an 'experimental' teen (drugs, drinking, sex), an unsupportive mother.

It's easy, comfy and safe to stay in the rut of complaining and blaming. As a MASTER of this type of thinking, I know it's a long road to nowhere worth going. Trust me, or don't trust me, and come meet me later when you are done with your own long road to nowhere worth going. We can meet on the path to responsible (not enabling) thinking, behaving and action. How?

1. NOTICE that you are complaining. Are you telling the same story again and again? Are you kind of excited to tell the story to strangers about this tragic thing that HAPPENED TO YOU? Now, this is tricky, the telling can be cathartic, affirming, opening and good. The over-telling can be habit forming, keep us stuck, whiny and victimized.

2. TRY NEW LANGUAGE. Easy as that (hahahhaha), try some of these new phrases to lead you out of victimization and into new thoughts, new habits and new action. AND . . . Bada Boo Bada Bing,  NEW RESULTS. This will take a LOT of practice. Luckily life throws lots of whiny kids, stale marriages, bad backs, crummy bosses, cluttered house and  extra pounds to keep us in practice.

EXAMPLES
Instead of: You should clean your room.

Try: It's important to me that you know how to clean up after yourself. Would you be willing to meet once a week for 15 minutes to tidy your room?

Instead of: I need to lose 10 lbs.

Try: I choose to focus on realistic portions for the next few months until I am back to a healthy weight range (plug in actual number!)

Instead of: You NEVER are on time.

Try: I am often waiting for you when we say we are going to meet. Tomorrow,  I'm willing to wait 15 minutes and then I'm going to go ahead and leave and run errands.

REPEAT as needed.

For more expert information, inspiration and language, read, PEP (Parent Encouragement Program) Leader Suzanne Ritter's Washington Parent Article, Empowering Yourself With Words. Check it it out for more details!

 

 

3 Things My Teens Taught ME

It LOOKS like they are relaxing, but really, they can be very wise . . . . 

It LOOKS like they are relaxing, but really, they can be very wise . . . . 

I've been living with teens for about 6 years now. And while I thought it was my job to teach them, turns out they taught me a thing, or three.

1. I don't have to be liked to be loved.

My younger teen looked at me, at our final college tour, and said, "I don't know how, but EVERYTHING you do is annoying." This wasn't my first rodeo so I took this comment lightly. I texted the quote to his older brother who laughed heartily and said, "I remember those days, it will pass." I left him alone, not 15 minutes later we were sitting together laughing at the dinner the table. Teens teach you ARE annoying AND they love you anyway.

2 Control Doesn't Make a Grown-Up

Too much control can make us feel like good parents, that our kids our safe, that they will have a straight shot out of adolescence. Turns out, too much control makes you tired and angry and makes them sneaky and rebellious. Now, we can't give up. We still need to provide teens with firm boundaries and appropriate limits. However, control isn't an insurance policy and doesn't teach them much except how to work a work around.

3. I Don't Have All the Answers

Once I got used to this one, it was very, very relieving. I don't know the best way to get homework done. I don't know how tired they are. I don't know their interior goals. Now, it's taken me these full 6 years to start correcting my OWN righting reflex (the reflex to comment on every darn thing someone is doing and how they could do it the teeniest bit better because you really love the person). My instinct is still to tweak how they do stuff, but sometimes I catch myself BEFORE, sometimes during, and when I do it after, I can apologize.

3.5 Teens are Hilarious & Insightful

I love that you can let your guard down with teens, watch edgy tv shows and movies, share in discussions of current events, and generally they crack me up. I've also found that my teens know me very well and can offer up insightful advice to me. Tweak a decision of mine to make it better, modify a reaction to be a wee bit more sane and deliver it (mostly)  with a sense of humor so I can receive it.