Middle School Matters

Middle School is full of angst for our kids, and for us! As parents we are suddenly filled with self-doubt. Do I stay involved and volunteer at the school? Do I go on field trips like my kid LOVED in 3rd grade? Alternately, do I totally back-off and give them lots of space? Do I let them go to sleepovers when I haven’t met the parents? What about devices or social media? How much homework help do I give them? Are they lazy? What is normal and what is a red flag?

Help is on the way! Phyllis Fagell, a middle school counselor, wrote a new and important book, Middle School Matters. Next week I have the distinct pleasure of hosting Phyllis as PEP’s (Parent Encouragement Program) first noted author of the 2019/2020 school year. Join me in learning how we can successfully navigate this new, confusing and potentially exciting parenting terrain. I got Phyllis on the phone to ask a few questions and I hope you join me on November 19th to ask some of your own!

Paige: How do we maintain the delicate balance of being involved and letting go when our kids hit middle school?

Phyllis: Parents gets mixed messages from teachers and parenting experts. Back off vs. stay involved. And our kids give mixed messages. “I do it myself” – like when they were two year olds vs. “I need a you and some help on my science fair project.” When they were two and said “I do it myself” we stayed with them and were directive. When our kids are in middle school we still have to stay in there but can’t be as directive. Middle schoolers have a developmental need to feel capable and for autonomy. We can’t over step.

Paige: How do we handle phones/devices/screens?

Phyllis: Don’t be afraid of the being the bad guy. I restricted my now 18-year-old from a popular social media platform when he was in middle school. At the time he was not grateful, but has since come back and thanked me, “It would have been a giant time suck and saved me from a lot of drama.” Take the long view.  

Parents can ask the question, “What need is the device meeting?”. Is it a certain peer group? Is there an alternate way to be connected to the peer group instead of screens – can they meet in person?

When it comes to things like posting on social media and texting parents should be very clear with middle-schoolers that we will be spot checking, and making sure they are using platforms respectfully. Here’s some language, “We will check, not because we want to shame you or punish you, but because we expect you to make mistakes and we want to be there with you to figure out a way to use this tool responsibly, safely and kindly.”

Paige: What if I don’t have one of the 10 skills you suggest we work on with our middle-schoolers? I’m not great at self-advocating, or having good systems to organize my work?

Phyllis: Self-awareness is key and there is no shame in getting support, taking a class, or whatever you need. Middle school parents are suddenly isolated, so do what you can to keep the community alive. Grow alongside your child and being authentic with them. notice what they might be good at where you struggle, “I love how you take risks and try out for the school shows, I get so nervous when I’m doing a presentation at work.” In any healthy relationship we learn from each others mistakes and growth edges as well as what we are naturally good at, same goes with our kids.

 Paige: I don’t understand how our kids are supposed to have executive function if their brain isn’t developed until their mid-20’s?

 Phyllis: It’s true, a 6th grader doesn’t have executive function skills. Parents come in and say, “My kids is lazy they won’t do their homework.” I have to say, “No, they aren’t lazy, they just don’t have the ability to future plan.” We all need to be providing kids in this age group with a tremendous amount of scaffolding. For example, a child might not be doing well in a class, and have no idea how to rectify the problem. Parents would intuitively know – “go in and talk to your teacher” – but that requires planning and asking for help, verbally or even by email, and all these things are overwhelming to a middle school child. To help we might decide together to email the teacher. The progression would go something like:

1.     Parent writes email with help of child, what exactly is the child confused about, needs help on.

2.     Student writes email with help of parent, be sure there is a proper salutation, grammar is correct.

3.     Student does it independently

That means it would take at least THREE times the child needs to self-advocate before we would start to expect they could do it by themselves. Avoid drawing conclusions about their long term life by any mishaps today,

Paige: Why did you write this book about this particular age group.

Phyllis: There is a lack of resources and research on this age group, it has been neglected and overlooked. I wanted to explore best practices on the research that does exist on this age group. I wanted to give parents and schools a common a language, to frame this age group in a more positive way, to build empathy in all quarters. To see them as a distinct age group and not either as small children or teenagers.

Watch Middle Schoolers video below if you need a giggle. It’s genius!

Instilling Gratefulness*

Every November I write about parents being grateful, this year I want to explore how we can instill gratefulness in our kids. Remember, it’s developmentally normal and annoying for kids to be materialistic and self-centered. Frankly, weren’t most of us when we were kids? And usually explaining to them how lucky they are falls on deaf ears. I was not grateful for the meals my step-mom cooked me until I was about 33, and had two toddlers, and I had to keep making dinner, every night.  Overflowing with gratitude, I called her and thanked her for every last  dinner she provided, even the ones I didn’t like. I meant it, from my toes to my heart. I was FINALLY GRATEFUL!

Don’t be discouraged, we need not wait until our kids are 33!  Here are 5 things we can do to instill, plant, nourish and cultivate gratefulness in our children.

1.     Slow down on the choices. I have found parents use choices in an attempt to control kids emotions. We accidentally foster entitlement when we offer choice, after choice, after choice.

2.     Model gratefulness: We forget how very, very fortunate we are simply by having a roof over our heads, food to eat and some money in the bank. You can go to  www.100people.org and together and gain perspective on the gifts we have.

3.     Giving gifts: Have your kids pick a couple people in your family to buy gifts for with their money. Show them how to wrap a gift, then let them wrap the one they bought. If it needs to be mailed, guide them through the whole process of packaging it, addressing it, taking it to the post office. Avoid giving lectures like, “See, it’s not as easy as you think!” and let them experience the joys and sorrows of giving, wrapping and sending, and then waiting for a thank you note.

4.     Peaks and Pits: At mealtime once a day, or once a week, go around the table and share your peaks and pits. Verbalizing our highs and lows helps others grapple with their highs and lows. In a safe space we can have a good chuckle at things like – tripping in front of our friends, making a flub in our public speaking, or having a green lettuce leaf in our teeth. We also remember that simple things like – a sunny day for Fall Fest, or no traffic on the way to work, or a higher grade this week on the spelling test are all things to celebrate and be grateful for.

5.     Service: Author of the fabulous parenting book, “The Good News About Bad Behavior” Katherine Lewis, shared a story about a terrible trip to Disney she took with her kids. They acted entitled and whiny and selfish. Instead of lecturing, Katherine and their husband booked a service trip the very next year where the kids volunteered instead of consumed.

Tis the season of gratefulness, your, theirs and ours. Gratefulness is a quiet, patient and peaceful source of energy. Take the time to cultivate it in your house, in your heart and with your kids.

 *Originally published in the November 2019 Glover Park Gazette

*Slicing Up the Responsibility Pie*

How NOT to share the Responsibility Pie

Last week we examined the Perils of Being the Family Brain. This week I am sharing 5 ideas on how to share the responsibility pie in a way that is appetizing and relationship building. What we want to avoid is over-functioning for family members for years and years and then one day waking up and saying, “Forget it you guys, NO ONE is grateful, you can do it yourself.” Eek!

1. Start with an apology. “I’m sorry Evan, I’ve been treating you like you can’t handle your life, I’ve been nagging, negative, and disrespectful. I bet all the nagging and reminding is a terrible way to start your day.” WOW! That will get Evan’s ears to perk up and his heart to open up much more quickly then shame or blame or lectures or reminders.

2. Don’t stop offering after one rejection. Offer up training in laundry, or meal prep, or grocery shopping. Be sure that with a new responsiblity comes a new freedom. TV watching and folding clothes, choosing the menu and meal prep, one ‘choose your own’ cereal when grocery shopping. This is like vegetables and babies - offer up multiple times before you just give up and do the chore yourself.

3. Eat your fair share without over/under indulging. Stop being a martyr, but don’t over do it with letting things go. State what you are willing to do and then do that. See what falls through the cracks, what people notice, what people might swoop in and help with.

4. Stand in your power and refrain from feeling victimized. It’s not our fault entirely that we became the family brain, AND it is our responsibility to change the dance. Honor yourself and your contribution to the family, acknowledge where you were over doing it.

5. Squint your eyes and look in the distance. If you’ve been the family brain for 10 or so years, expect it will take 10 or so years to get completely out of that position. I say this to be realistic, NOT discouraging. Habits are hard to change and if I think everything should change in a week I will get frustrated, overwhelmed and disappointed. I won’t think creatively, I won't practice patience and I’ll usually go right back to my over-functioning to soothe my anxiety. Squinting our eyes and over looking some of the wonkiness that comes when we stop over-functioning can give us the precious time to be patient as our beloved family gets encouraged, trained and motivated to do their share.

*This blog series inspired by Parenting with Courage and Uncommon Sense, Linda Jessup and Emory Luce Baldwin.

The Perils of Being the Family Brain

This is what usually happens behind the Family Brains back!!!

Do you have it all together? Do you arrange everything for your family? Do you know where everyone is, where everyone should be, what long-term assignments are coming up and how many veggies they all should eat? Are you the Family Brain? It can feel so, so good to be right, on time, not to blame. BUT at what cost? The price we pay for our superiority in organizing and arranging is usually irresponsible and dependent kids and a diminished connect. I hear you Family Brains, “WHAT?! That isn’t what I meant to do.” Here are five things to consider if you accidentally became the Family Brain.

1. When we over-function for our family it creates a feedback loop where everyone else is off the hook, and they usually choose to under-function. The Family Brains calls these under-functioning family members lazy, unmotivated, careless and not to be trusted. The under-functioners call the Family Brain controlling, manipulative, always disappointed and can never relax.

2. Give yourself grace if you are the Family Brain. Consolidating power and competence is a way to handle highly stressful situations (new babies, new jobs, moving, etc). It made sense for a season, and now it’s time to re-shift to share both the triumphs and tribulations of solving problems, being organized, knowing what’s happening next.

3. There is a wonky period between Family Brain Control and Family Cooperation. Activities may be missed, dishwashers may remain uncleared, grades might go down, keys could be lost. Think of these as investments in the future capability of our family.

4. When we (the Family Brain) are over focused on others, we have less energy to focus on ourselves. Over-functioning is the perfect escape from our own issues we want to avoid; an aging parent, our health, our no longer satisfying job. Sometimes being the Family Brain is a way to manage our anxiety to avoid the vulnerable side of ourselves.

5. Consider if your kids/spouse tolerate your nagging for the low-cost benefit of your organizing & worry skills. Imagine your kid, “Why worry about the permission slip when Mom will rifle through my room, find, sign it and pdf it to the school while I’m waiting in the principals office and the bus is outside?” or “Who cares about cleaning up the kitchen, if I just nod and say ok when Dad asks me to load the dishwasher, I can just go to bed and someone else cleans it up before I come back down.”

Next week we’ll discuss appetizing ways to split up the responsibility pie so that we stop being the Family Brain and start sharing the joys and sorrows, the trial and error, the mess and the victory of Family Cooperation. It will lighten your load and plump up your relationship with your beloved kiddos.

No More Morning Mayhem

Does it feel like groundhog day at your house? The same routine . . . hit snooze, gently wake up kids, they ignore you, go in and fiercely wake up kids. Berate them, berate yourself. Blame them, blame your spouse, secretly blame yourself. Why? Why? WHY?

I don’t know why - but it seems to happen to all of us - below are 5 possible ways to transform morning mayhem into moderately magical mornings.

1. Acceptance: Accept that mornings are hard, just because they are hard. If you live with little kids they know that getting out of their pajamas means being separated from their very favorite person on the planet (you!). Little ones will beg, borrow and steal to stay in their jammies so they can STAY WITH YOU! If you live with teens - their circadian rhythm is BEGGING them to stay up until midnight and sleep until 8am. Teens will beg, borrow and steal to stay in their beds. If we know it’s hard we will prepare, strategize and be kinder to ourselves, and them.

2. De-Clutter: Imagine . . . there is only one pair of shoes per person at the front door. Imagine . . there is only one or two coats on their hook to choose from that is close to being the right thickness/weight for the weather. Imagine. . . the kitchen table is clear, ready for todays breakfast. Imagine . . when they pull out a shirt from their drawer, 27 other shirts don’t pop up and onto the floor. Imagine . . the calendar has lots of buffer space, there is NOTHING planned for this afternoon, what magical thing can happen between parent and child?

3. Say it Once: If you live with anyone 5 and over they KNOW they need their shoes on. They know. In their heart of hearts they are super duper clear, “We wear shoes outside.” Nagging, repeating and reminding weirdly soothes our anxiety - but at the cost of irritating and damaging our relationship with our kids. Say it Once is a practice for advanced personal growth. It takes effort, it is powerful.

4. Act As If: Kids want to mostly cooperate. They might not care as passionately about being on time as we do, but they do want to cooperate. Consider that our ‘over caring’ about being on time gives them the time/space/opportunity to not care at all. So, ‘act as if’ your child will come to the car if you leave 5 minutes early. Act as if your child will put on his own pants and you can confidently walk downstairs and start the dishwasher without yelling reminders.

5. Courage: Mornings take some creativity, some experimentation. It takes courage to walk out of the house with a 6 year old that hasn’t eaten breakfast, or a teen that is still in bed, or a 7 year old with un-brushed hair. Through your courage you will find creative solutions.

Join me Wednesday, October 23rd for a PEP (Parent Encouragement Program) webinar on this very topic, No More Morning Mayhem. We’ll chat solutions, watch role plays for do’s and don’ts and leave you with actionable tips and tidbits to create less mayhem and more magic in the morning.

"My spouse and I watched the morning routine webinar together and it was very helpful. We tried the "meet you at the door" approach this morning, rolled with their choice of attire and breakfast, and we actually all made it out the door on time with no yelling or nagging. THANK YOU." 

--Participant, PEP Online

Top 7 Ways to Make SURE Your Kids Won't Help Around the House

Don't we all just wake up one day and think, "Wait, what?! Why am I doing EVERYTHING?"  

Usually I like to to be positive, and tell you what you CAN do. But let's mix it up. . . 

I have seven terrible ways to try get kids to do chores. If you want the more encouraging ways - click on the button below, but for today, let's have a little negative-o fun!

HOW TO NOT GET YOUR CHILD TO DO CHORES:

1. Let them do nothing until they are 11 and then demand they get off their butts and help.

2. Be super duper inconsistent. No chores until you've had it, then chores for three hours until you are done, gosh dern it! Add in copious yelling and shaming - kids love that.

3. Hate chores yourself, talk disparagingly about household tasks. Complain bitterly about the lack of help from your spouse.

4. They give an inch, you take a mile. Kids are jolly helping you shred the cheese, you demand they set the table. Kids happily (or not hostiley) fold their clothes, you insist they clean out the crap from underneath their bed.

5. Only interact over chores when you are terse, angry, annoyed, overwhelmed, embarrassed, at your wits end.

6. Expect your child to want to do chores, nay - expect your child to be grateful for doing chores. Have't they read the long term studies about chores and children? Don't they realize that YOU giving THEM chores is an act of LOVE? 

7. Never accept a "No" from your child when you request help with a chore. (Pssst, if it's not optional - do NOT ask, instead say, "Jimmy, you may help me clear the dishwasher now.")

Homework Hassles

They’re baaaackkkkkkk! Homework hassles are back. Anyone gritting their teeth and saying, “This year it’s GONNA be different”?  It’s a fresh start, a new you, spanking clean spirals, freshened up back packs, sanitized lunch pails. All is right with the world, right? Fast forward a week, or two – forgotten assignments, pop quizzes, obsessive checking the online grading portal by us, unauthorized phone use by children. Deefeat and sadness replaces the fresh start.. Yelling, nagging, threatening ensue. Let’s get back on track!

Devices:  Get technology tamed early in the game. Come up with family boundaries (that means you too!).  Here are some ideas to spark your thinking: everyone phone free from 7-9:30, lap tops in public spaces, computers off 30 minutes before bed, tv watching only Thursday – Sunday, phones spend the night together in the kitchen. These are not the rules, they are jumping off points for you and your family to discuss. People (including kids) respect the limits if they help set the limits. Try this,  “Ok folks, this is an experiment just Sunday night – Friday morning, we can all live with that, right?” Much easier to tolerate a new idea if it’s only for a limited number of days. After a few weeks of experimentation you might find a happy middle ground for you and the kiddos.

Homework Help: I know how satisfying it is to edit that term paper, or instruct them to re-write something because you know they can write more neatly.  Homework is really a tool for the student and the teacher.  It’s very disrespectful to assume the child does not have it handled. Consider that it’s a big relationship drain when we try to be the parent, and the tutor, and the teacher, and the cheer leader, and the copy editor, and the calendar minder. You are the parent. Be available to support, listen, love, laugh and buy school supplies.  Ask what reminders might be useful to them and then focus on your own big life.

It takes a village:  Kids really do run into trouble. Don’t take it all on yourself. If you’ve butted out of the homework and things are nose-diving – go talk to the teacher, the school counselor, the class aide. Think of these conversations as being more then one complete and satisfying event. Gather information, leave with some new ideas, let questions and comments percolate. Children are unfolding – you can’t solve it all NOW (as much as you want to). 

Your kids homework is for your kids. Allowing kids to experiment, struggle, fail, succeed, work too hard, procrastinate, be a perfectionist, lose things, find things, triumph and ultimately learn something is a labor of love worth investing in.

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The Art of the Consequence

What trips us parents up when it comes to consequences is consistency. It's a magical, mystical, paradoxical art. Some of us are super duper inconsistent. "I don't really feel like getting them to bed right now, one more game on the i pad won't ruin them." Some of us are too consistent, "No way, they can't stay up to hang with their out of town cousins, bed time IS 7:30, NO exceptions!" What's a parent to do?

1. Your child will help you figure out if you have a consequences consistency problem. If there is a lot of push back, whining, negotiating around every single limit or boundary - you might be the teeniest bit inconsistent. I've said it before, I'll say it again, kids are very, very under-employed and have a lot of time on their hands. IF they want that sleepover tonight with Zoey, even though they slept over at Zoey's last Saturday, and Sunday was a living hell of over tiredness. . . . they will beg, borrow, plead, barter and cry to get to you to let them do it. Because, why not? They don't have anything else to do but hit their little brother and take a bath!

2. Better to have too few consequences then to inconsistently hold-ish up a bunch of them some of the time. Pick  very few consequences that reflect your core values and work on those. Let the rest go. Meal times important? Have a consistent meal time with consistent consequences for lateness, rudeness or bad manners and let go of making the bed for a while.

3. Let the house rules limit the number of consequences by heading off common problems and areas of conflict. Sleepovers once a month. TV & video games played Friday - Sunday. Desserts every weekend night. (Do you see what I did there? I phrased everything as a positive - I didn't say "No desserts during the week!" "NO TV during the week", "You can NOT have more then one sleep over a month." Language matters!

4. Let the ecology of the house uphold consequences. Devices and screens in public areas, if devices are found elsewhere they are put away for 24 hours (be reasonable folks, making kids suffer does not teach). This goes for us too. If we, or a beloved screen addicted spouse, lays in bed with their i pad - you are going to have some problems. 

5. Keep your cool, man! Seriously, kids are gonna sneak, and beg, and get over tired, and roll their eyes, and try, try, TRY to get one more minute on their phones. They just are. You might want to review this nifty tip, I'll wait. The Only Shocking Part . . . For real people, this IS the job. They aren't being bad AND they aren't angels. The more we keep our cool and stop being totally shocked and have our hearts broken when they test the limits and need a consequence, the better we will be able to handle the situation AND get on with our day.

6. Keep consequences reasonable, related, respectful, revealed in advance and be sure that they teach responsibility. If you hit your brother at dinner the consequence should not be - lose YOUR phone for a WEEK, YOUNG MAN. Consequences do NOT work if we are too Draconian and try to nip it in the bud by being super mean. The consequence might be that dinner is over for people who hit, and breakfast will be available in the morning. Or the hitter has to get up and get ice for the hit-ee and apologize. Or the hitter switches places with Dad so hit-ee is a safe distance from hitter.

If you need more help with consequences and discipline, click on the button below and join me for an online class.

The Heart of Discipline

Discipline feels hard and mean . . .

Discipline is often used when we mean punishment. “I’m going to discipline you!” means, “I’m going to make you suffer for your transgression, and if you feel really bad I believe you won’t do it again.” Discipline, however, means ‘to teach’. Whoa! If I discipline you I mean to teach you something. And at the heart of discipline is to teach our kids self-discipline. Below are 4 non-mean ways to create more discipline in your family.

Modeling: We all know the yelling has to stop, it’s just that we want our kids to go first. Once they stop upsetting their sibling, or stop leaving dishes in their bedrooms or stop procrastinating on their homework, then we can be calm and disciplined. Uh oh? We have to go first. Once we stop upsetting our kids, once we clean up the kitchen, once we stop procrastinating on our chores - then our family might be calm and disciplined - consider it.

Development: Sometimes we are disciplining the wrong child. We can waste a lot of time trying to ‘discipline’ our two year old out of saying no, our four year old out of having tantrums, or 7 year old from fibbing, or our teen from eye rolling. Remember, a lot of kids “mis-behavior” is normal and annoying developmentally APPROPRIATE behavior. Sometimes I wonder how I would react if my kids tried to discipline me out of needing reading glasses, or shamed me because I was wee bit absent-minded (both normal and annoying developmental issues for middle-aged people).

Practice, Practice, Practice: Discipline takes practice. In our impatience we actually make discipline take LONGER. When a child knows they can make mistakes and have another chance, when we KNOW our child can make mistakes and have another chance, we spend more time supporting then we do rescuing. Kids need creative ways to solve their problems and it takes practice, practice, practice.

Shame-less: If we want our kids to practice self-discipline it’s more efficient, loving and encouraging if we stop using shame. Being disappointed or mad at them on a consistent basis teaches our kids to be ashamed of themselves. They might put on a big blustery bravado show of not caring, but usually, inside, they can shrivel up and whither under the parental judgment and disapproval. Creativity, courage and cooperation do not grown in a climate of shame, judgment, condemnation and disappointment.

3 Things My Teens Taught ME**

It LOOKS like they are relaxing, but really, they can be very wise . . . .

I've been living with teens for about 6 years now. And while I thought it was my job to teach them, turns out they taught me a thing, or three.

1. I don't have to be liked to be loved.

My younger teen looked at me, at our final college tour, and said, "I don't know how, but EVERYTHING you do is annoying." This wasn't my first rodeo so I took this comment lightly. I texted the quote to his older brother who laughed heartily and said, "I remember those days, it will pass." I left him alone, not 15 minutes later we were sitting together laughing at the dinner the table. Teens teach you ARE annoying AND they love you anyway.

2 Control Doesn't Make a Grown-Up

Too much control can make us feel like good parents, that our kids our safe, that they will have a straight shot out of adolescence. Turns out, too much control makes you tired and angry and makes them sneaky and rebellious. Now, we can't give up. We still need to provide teens with firm boundaries and appropriate limits. However, control isn't an insurance policy and doesn't teach them much except how to work a work around.

3. I Don't Have All the Answers

Once I got used to this one, it was very, very relieving. I don't know the best way to get homework done. I don't know how tired they are. I don't know their interior goals. Now, it's taken me these full 6 years to start correcting my OWN righting reflex (the reflex to comment on every darn thing someone is doing and how they could do it the teeniest bit better because you really love the person). My instinct is still to tweak how they do stuff, but sometimes I catch myself BEFORE, sometimes during, and when I do it after, I can apologize.

3.5 Teens are Hilarious & Insightful

I love that you can let your guard down with teens, watch edgy tv shows and movies, share in discussions of current events, and generally they crack me up. I've also found that my teens know me very well and can offer up insightful advice to me. Tweak a decision of mine to make it better, modify a reaction to be a wee bit more sane and deliver it (mostly)  with a sense of humor so I can receive it.

**Originally published May 24, 2017

Planting Seeds

As parents we are always planting, sowing and harvesting seeds through our actions and behaviors. We want to be sure we are planting seeds we want to see flourish, and not weeds that we will have to yank up later.

Plant the Seeds of Calm: We need to manage our anger (not eradicate, or pretend it isn’t there). Click for a 3 part blog posting about anger. We help our kids identify and manage their anger as well. Not ‘letting’ kids get angry is not getting rid of their anger - it’s usually planting seeds of feeling suppression (eek!). Calm grows in a soil of routine and predictibility with lots of buffer space in our calendar, our clutter and our minds.

Plant the Seeds of Independence: Chores and self-care are great ways to sow the seeds of independence. Be aware we must be willing to endure our kid’s mistakes as they are learning. Independence comes at the cost of trial and error, mess and slowness. Best if they make a bunch of cheap mistakes when we are around to help them clean up. We don’t want to send them off to college and have to experience the inevitable hard knocks of life with no experience.

Plant the Seeds of Order: Routine is a calming, relationship building, overlooked, hard to start, irritating to maintain parenting tool. AND, we would all be well served with solid, reasonable, respectful, age appropriate routines. The up front effort to start a routine is immense AND pays off in spades when you magically find your child mindlessly unpacking their lunch box and plopping their tupperware in the dishwasher (it can happen!).

Plant the Seeds of Connection: Connection comes through communication. The most important and overlooked kind of communication is listening. Our kids behave from what they think and believe, the don’t behave from what we told them to think and believe, and they don’t behave from what we think they think and believe. Best way to change/modify/impact behavior - find out what they think and believe by asking open ended questions and listening.

Plant the Seeds of Love: Have fun together! I believe the glue of long lasting relationships is problems and fun. Life throws us problems - no need to go and create anymore, but FUN we need plan form, make time for and be open to. Anchor your weekends with a goody or two - maybe a family walk in the park for you and a lunch at Chuck E. Cheese for them. A good laugh over a tv show or a hilarious YouTube video can give you stress relief, bonding and something fun to talk about besides how controlling you are and how messy they are.

Plant the Seeds of Discipline: Discipline and freedom go hand in hand. Some of us a are too stingy with the freedom and some are too lax about the discipline. We want to balance these two out. When we give a freedom, what’s the new responsibility and when we hand over a responsibility, where is the new freedom? Click here for some examples on HOW to do this!

Plant the Seeds of Growth: It’s a paradox, the more our kids need us, the more we need to focus on self-care. When things get stressful we need to double down on taking care of ourselves. It feels selfish, and it’s really the best energy source so that we can continue planting, sowing, tending and harvesting all our little seeds. Click here for some quick self-care tips.

Weeds to AVOID Planting: Yelling, nagging, reminding, rescuing, enabling, scolding, punishing, permissiveness, making excuses, doing things for kids they can do for themselves, pity, solving other peoples problems, worrying, ignoring problems, not taking care of ourselves, awfulizing.

When we focus on what we WANT to see we will watch our little family flourish and grow!

It's NOT My FAULT!

Messy children, whiny children, a bad back, a crummy boss, a lack of motivation, too much procrastination, a stale marriage, a load of debt, a cluttered house, an extra 15 lbs, an 'experimental' teen (drugs, drinking, sex), an unsupportive mother.

It's easy, comfy and safe to stay in the rut of complaining and blaming. As a MASTER of this type of thinking, I know it's a long road to nowhere worth going. Trust me, or don't trust me, and come meet me later when you are done with your own long road to nowhere worth going. We can meet on the path to responsible (not enabling) thinking, behaving and action. How?

1. NOTICE that you are complaining. Are you telling the same story again and again? Are you kind of excited to tell the story to strangers about this tragic thing that HAPPENED TO YOU? Now, this is tricky, the telling can be cathartic, affirming, opening and good. The over-telling can be habit forming, keep us stuck, whiny and victimized.

2. TRY NEW LANGUAGE. Easy as that (hahahhaha), try some of these new phrases to lead you out of victimization and into new thoughts, new habits and new action. AND . . . Bada Boo Bada Bing,  NEW RESULTS. This will take a LOT of practice. Luckily life throws lots of whiny kids, stale marriages, bad backs, crummy bosses, cluttered houses and those middle age extra pounds to keep us in practice.

EXAMPLES
Instead of: You should clean your room.

Try: It's important to me that you know how to clean up after yourself. Would you be willing to meet once a week for 15 minutes to tidy your room?

Instead of: I need to lose 10 lbs.

Try: I choose to focus on realistic portions for the next few months until I am back to a healthy weight range (plug in actual number!)

Instead of: You NEVER are on time.

Try: I am often waiting for you when we say we are going to meet. Tomorrow,  I'm willing to wait 15 minutes and then I'm going to go ahead and leave and run errands.

REPEAT as needed.

For more expert information, inspiration and language, read parenting coach Suzanne Ritter's Washington Parent Article, Empowering Yourself With Words. Check it it out for more details!

Organizing: Best of Summer

Summer vacation is a great time to get organized!

Just today I helped a client, who is selling her house, clean out a little kitchen closet. Peeking in, it wasn't so bad, nothing to be ashamed of AND when we attacked it. . . WHOA what energy, motivating thoughts and pride did it unleash. When we were done we had generated 1/2 a bag of trash, 4 boxes of donate and 1/4 bin of recycling. As we stood back together and looked at our work we were filled with satisfaction, pride and energy to attack something else. We underestimate what a cheap and wonderful drug sorting, purging and organizing our stuff can be. (And no side effects!).

Here's a breezy summer listicle to get you thinking about tidying up before school starts

1. You don't have to begin with the end in mind. When we walk into our kids messy, cluttered, over-stuffed room we don't have to KNOW what to do. One thing professional organizers are really good at is sorting as WAY to figure out what the answer is. The answer comes THROUGH the sorting up into our brain, NOT from our brain into our sorting. 

2. If you need sorting primer, please click here!

 3. When we start we often get mad at ourselves that we didn't do it earlier so we ruin a perfectly good organizing session by ending it with beating ourselves up. Guys, sometimes our stuff needs to ripen or marinate. Sometimes time is exactly what those papers needed to get either thrown our put in the new memory box. Speak nicely to yourself. Here's a little piece on how Turmeric from 2007 showed me how discouraging I am with myself. 

4. Kids act like it's Filene's Basement, but want it to be Barney's. Less is more to them. Kids will use more art supplies the less they have of them. Artfully display them on an empty kitchen counter, just a couple things, don't say a WORD and watch how they suddenly use those oil pastels Nana gave them last Christmas. (Marketing is very important when it comes to kids).

5. Organizing is one of those tasks, like weeding, that is more fun if there is a group. If you have trouble getting started, don't go it alone, ask a fun friend or a non-judgey relative, or a professional organizer to come and help. When we try to go it alone we get lost in thoughts, in perfection, in the memories.

6. Anything you can do now to decrease the clutter before the school year starts will pay off in spades. A clear physical space promotes calm AND creativity.

Bad Behavior! Teens and What To do About It

Teens are experimenting . . .

Eventually, our teen tries stuff. They lie, they experiment with drugs, booze, sex, porn and many, many other normal and annoying teen behaviors. When we find the red solo cup, or the beer pong balls, or discover they have partied at our house - we can be ready instead of devastated. Below is a short list of ways to handle the bad behavior, WHILE keeping the connection with our beloved teen.

Logical Consequence: Logical Consequences are something we set up with our teen on a topic that has been repeated. The consequence includes these 5 “R’s”. Related, Respectful, Responsible, Reasonable, Revealed in Advance (meaning we don’t spring this on our teen in a moment of exasperation). Logical consequences do not include: shame, blame, pain, or humiliation. Now, the teen might feel pain or humiliated, BUT we do not try MAKE them FEEL anything in particular. We are always looking for ways to promote responsibility and respect. For example, teen is over 30 minutes late for curfew on Friday, they don’t go out Saturday night. Next weekend they can try again. They might feel humiliated when they have to tell their friends, it might be painful to stay home, AND we are not concerned with that, we are concerned with upholding a limit with mutual respect

Solve the Problem: Define the problem (consider whether this might actually NOT be OUR problem - grades, social life, their bedroom, their money), brainstorm options, consider and choose a solution, try it for a trial period - then talk again - did it solve the problem? Problem solving takes more time then punishing, dictating or yelling, AND problem solving is very relationship building. Just a parent and a teen listening to each other define the problem is a way to get to know each other better, to expand our understanding and empathy. I can assure you, middle aged people see problems VERY differently then teens. I can also assure you, teens are good problem solvers -they are creative, they are willing to try new things and most of them have a very developed sense of justice (I’m not saying they are always right or wise, just that justice is a real teen thing).

Natural Consequence: What happens if I do nothing? Nothing except show compassion and understanding without enabling or rescuing. What happens if they get a bad grade? Get caught underage drinking at a party of friend? Sometimes the teacher, the friend, the friend’s parent, the cop can deliver a message in a way our teen can receive it WAY better then our lectures (especially if we have said it more then 2-3 times). Most of us, if we go back into the rolodex of our mind, have learned our lessons from a natural consequence, not from a punishment/lecture doled out from our parent.

Share Information: Information can really help. But usually in micro-doses, and most of it from the teen discovering the information. As problems pop up, have the teen research - actually research the law - not what they think, not what their friends have told them, but the actual law where they live. What happens to an underage kid caught smoking weed, caught with weed, caught speeding, caught shoplifting, caught sexting, what is the legal age of sexual consent? Then it’s not all your judgment, but the actual law adding its two cents to the conversation. You can add in some stuff you learn, but BEWARE over researching FOR the teen, they won’t be able to receive that information as well as if they research themselves.

Get Outside Help: If you have passed ‘alert’ and moved into ‘alarm’ - go get help, for your teen, for you, for your family. Mental health issues, substance issues. Ask for help early (before a major crisis) so that you have a person, a place, a trusted advisor should things get worse. Again, remember to get help for yourself too - focusing 100% on the teen and getting them ship shape can be a dangerous place to be.

Soothe Our Own Anxiety: Living with teens is like hiking the Rocky Mountains - majestic, awe inspiring, uncomfortable, scary, filled with high highs and low lows. Click here for a little essay on this topic. Remember that our anxiety is not helpful. Our anxiety can make us over-react or under-react. Build up your arsenal of self-care (click here for some self care ideas and click here for some help knowing with junk food stress is vs. nourishing stress). When our kids are teens is the perfect time to pick up a new hobby - meditation, Scottish Dance, needlepoint, a new language, photography, pilates, spinning, birding, join a band, learn the banjo, start a podcast (these are all ACTUAL things people I know with teens have DONE). Remember that this phase of teens and bad behavior isn’t forever. When we take the time to soothe our own anxiety we can then stay connected to our beloved teen.

So You Have a Picky Eater!

Use Positive Parenting to Encourage Healthy Eating Habits**

As the parent of a picky eater, I tried every trick in the book to get my child to eat. I lectured, bribed, bartered, cried, cajoled and took rejected foods out of rotation. Along that journey, I learned a lot about what works and what doesn't, and I gradually found a way to approach food with energy and enthusiasm - and without control and obsession.

Food and eating are topics that generate a lot of parental guilt and angst, as well as repeated (and continually un-resolved) power struggles. Breakfast and dinnertime can become battlefields. Sometimes we score a victory. Maybe, after much coercion, one lima bean is consumed. But we often win that teeny lima bean battle at the cost of our relationship with our kids and a predictable, peaceful mealtime. Add to that situation the ever-increasing diagnoses of obesity, anxiety, depression and ADHD, and food and nutrition become dicey parenting dilemmas.

Food and nutrition are important and deserve our attention and care. However, attention and care do not include control, anxiety, permissiveness, giving up/giving in, lectures, demands or bribing. In order to create healthy attitudes toward food, we need to keep two parenting priorities in mind: meeting "the needs of the situation" and maintaining mutual respect. We call this positive parenting and this method can get us out of the weeds of power struggles or permissiveness and into good, healthy and productive relationships to last a lifetime. After all, childhood eventually ends, but our relationship with our child never does.

The needs of the situation

Meeting the needs of the nutrition and food situation begins with gathering information about the impact of food on our moods, our mental health and our physical well-being. To find out more, I interviewed Linda Petursdottir, a certified nutrition and wellness coach with expertise in functional medicine. Linda explained that our gut and brain are in conversation with each other and surprisingly our gut talks more to our brain than vice versa. In other words, what we ingest directly impacts our moods and behavior. The typical American diet, which is high in refined sugars and processed food, gives our brain a quick surge of energy and good feelings - but at the cost of feelings of depression and anxiety as soon as that high wears off. Poor gut health directly impacts our ability to produce serotonin, and decreases in serotonin trigger symptoms of depression.

Mutual respect

When we find that our family's nutritional options and meal preparations need fine-tuning, it is up to us as parents to take responsibility. Linda Petursdottir explains, "Parents are responsible for the food they bring into the house, and kids are responsible for what they eat." While our kids are young, we parents have almost 100 percent control over what comes into our house and enters our kids' bodies. That changes as kids get older and have money and access to convenience "food" stores. Mutual respect means that as we make changes we allow kids time and space to adapt. Mutual respect means we provide for our kids' needs and some of their wants.

Getting started

Where do we begin? Do we throw out ALL the sugar? Go vegan? Eliminate gluten? Petursdottir has a saner suggestion - one we can all start working on today: adjusting our mindset. "I always like to focus on the mindset of abundance rather than deprivation," Petursdottir says. "While I don't disagree that parents need to cut things out, I think it's healthier to think of what's missing. Start by simply tracking what you eat in a day, and if you are not eating the recommended 4-8 daily servings of fruits and vegetables, then that's where you can start."

Use family challenges. How can we go from 1 to 2 servings a day to 3 or 4? When we start adding healthy foods to our daily routine, then naturally some of the unhealthy choices start falling out - without creating feelings of despair and deprivation. Petursdottir says, "It becomes a more positive environment when we create healthy new habits rather than just thinking, ' We have to cut out soda. The fried food has to go. No more Chinese take-out .' That needs to happen, too, but I always want to start with the mindset of abundance. What foods can we add that are really health-promoting?"

Making lasting changes

Let's look at the family's development of healthy eating habits as a platform on which to grow our parenting muscles. We can create deeper and more robust relationships with our kids while at the same time improving our own health and getting to know ourselves. The important thing to do is to be honest about our current habits and start exactly where we are. Guard against drastic changes that are too hard to maintain and that will just make you throw in the towel in frustration. If you slip up, get right back on track rather than putting it off until tomorrow or next week.

Here are some steps you can take right away to get your family started on the path to better eating habits.

To Do This Week

1. Go through your cupboards and pitch half of the high-sugar items

2. Add fish once a week

3. Put healthy options in prime real estate - for example, at the kids' eye level in the pantry, within easy access on the fridge door, on the countertop, washed and ready to grab

4. Add in Meatless Monday

5. Sign up for a Community Supported Agriculture or take your family to the local farmers market

6. Plant a basil plant (or any other easy-to-grow herb)

7. Drink water instead of juice or soda

Learn More

• Check out the 100daysofrealfood.com blog and the book "100 Days of Real Food" by Lisa Leake

• Watch the documentary "Fed Up" on Amazon or go to website fedupmovie.com

• Make better food choices by using the Healthy Living app put out by the Environmental Working Group (ewg.org), which enables kids and parents to scan foods in the grocery store and get a rating on their selection

• Get personal support from Linda Petursdottir, Certified Nutrition and Wellness Coach, at simplewellbeing.com

**Published in Washington Parent