Last week we examined the Perils of Being the Family Brain. This week I am sharing 5 ideas on how to share the responsibility pie in a way that is appetizing and relationship building. What we want to avoid is over-functioning for family members for years and years and then one day waking up and saying, “Forget it you guys, NO ONE is grateful, you can do it yourself.” Eek!

Start with an apology. “I’m sorry Evan, I’ve been treating you like you can’t handle your life, I’ve been nagging, negative, and disrespectful. I bet all the nagging and reminding is a terrible way to start your day.” WOW! That will get Evan’s ears to perk up and his heart to open up much more quickly then shame or blame or lectures or reminders.
Don’t stop offering after one rejection. Offer up training in laundry, or meal prep, or grocery shopping. Be sure that with a new responsiblity comes a new freedom. TV watching and folding clothes, choosing the menu and meal prep, one ‘choose your own’ cereal when grocery shopping. This is like vegetables and babies - offer up multiple times before you just give up and do the chore yourself.
Eat your fair share without over/under indulging. Stop being a martyr, but don’t over do it with letting things go. State what you are willing to do and then do that. See what falls through the cracks, what people notice, what people might swoop in and help with.
Stand in your power and refrain from feeling victimized. It’s not our fault entirely that we became the family brain, AND it is our responsibility to change the dance. Honor yourself and your contribution to the family, acknowledge where you were over doing it.
Squint your eyes and look in the distance. If you’ve been the family brain for 10 or so years, expect it will take 10 or so years to get completely out of that position. I say this to be realistic, NOT discouraging. Habits are hard to change and if I think everything should change in a week I will get frustrated, overwhelmed and disappointed. I won’t think creatively, I won't practice patience and I’ll usually go right back to my over-functioning to soothe my anxiety. Squinting our eyes and over looking some of the wonkiness that comes when we stop over-functioning can give us the precious time to be patient as our beloved family gets encouraged, trained and motivated to do their share.

*This blog series inspired by Parenting with Courage and Uncommon Sense, Linda Jessup and Emory Luce Baldwin.