Middle School is full of angst for our kids, and for us! As parents we are suddenly filled with self-doubt. Do I stay involved and volunteer at the school? Do I go on field trips like my kid LOVED in 3rd grade? Alternately, do I totally back-off and give them lots of space? Do I let them go to sleepovers when I haven’t met the parents? What about devices or social media? How much homework help do I give them? Are they lazy? What is normal and what is a red flag?
Help is on the way! Phyllis Fagell, a middle school counselor, wrote a new and important book, Middle School Matters. Next week I have the distinct pleasure of hosting Phyllis as PEP’s (Parent Encouragement Program) first noted author of the 2019/2020 school year. Join me in learning how we can successfully navigate this new, confusing and potentially exciting parenting terrain. I got Phyllis on the phone to ask a few questions and I hope you join me on November 19th to ask some of your own!
Paige: How do we maintain the delicate balance of being involved and letting go when our kids hit middle school?
Phyllis: Parents gets mixed messages from teachers and parenting experts. Back off vs. stay involved. And our kids give mixed messages. “I do it myself” – like when they were two year olds vs. “I need a you and some help on my science fair project.” When they were two and said “I do it myself” we stayed with them and were directive. When our kids are in middle school we still have to stay in there but can’t be as directive. Middle schoolers have a developmental need to feel capable and for autonomy. We can’t over step.
Paige: How do we handle phones/devices/screens?
Phyllis: Don’t be afraid of the being the bad guy. I restricted my now 18-year-old from a popular social media platform when he was in middle school. At the time he was not grateful, but has since come back and thanked me, “It would have been a giant time suck and saved me from a lot of drama.” Take the long view.
Parents can ask the question, “What need is the device meeting?”. Is it a certain peer group? Is there an alternate way to be connected to the peer group instead of screens – can they meet in person?
When it comes to things like posting on social media and texting parents should be very clear with middle-schoolers that we will be spot checking, and making sure they are using platforms respectfully. Here’s some language, “We will check, not because we want to shame you or punish you, but because we expect you to make mistakes and we want to be there with you to figure out a way to use this tool responsibly, safely and kindly.”
Paige: What if I don’t have one of the 10 skills you suggest we work on with our middle-schoolers? I’m not great at self-advocating, or having good systems to organize my work?
Phyllis: Self-awareness is key and there is no shame in getting support, taking a class, or whatever you need. Middle school parents are suddenly isolated, so do what you can to keep the community alive. Grow alongside your child and being authentic with them. notice what they might be good at where you struggle, “I love how you take risks and try out for the school shows, I get so nervous when I’m doing a presentation at work.” In any healthy relationship we learn from each others mistakes and growth edges as well as what we are naturally good at, same goes with our kids.
Paige: I don’t understand how our kids are supposed to have executive function if their brain isn’t developed until their mid-20’s?
Phyllis: It’s true, a 6th grader doesn’t have executive function skills. Parents come in and say, “My kids is lazy they won’t do their homework.” I have to say, “No, they aren’t lazy, they just don’t have the ability to future plan.” We all need to be providing kids in this age group with a tremendous amount of scaffolding. For example, a child might not be doing well in a class, and have no idea how to rectify the problem. Parents would intuitively know – “go in and talk to your teacher” – but that requires planning and asking for help, verbally or even by email, and all these things are overwhelming to a middle school child. To help we might decide together to email the teacher. The progression would go something like:
1. Parent writes email with help of child, what exactly is the child confused about, needs help on.
2. Student writes email with help of parent, be sure there is a proper salutation, grammar is correct.
3. Student does it independently
That means it would take at least THREE times the child needs to self-advocate before we would start to expect they could do it by themselves. Avoid drawing conclusions about their long term life by any mishaps today,
Paige: Why did you write this book about this particular age group.
Phyllis: There is a lack of resources and research on this age group, it has been neglected and overlooked. I wanted to explore best practices on the research that does exist on this age group. I wanted to give parents and schools a common a language, to frame this age group in a more positive way, to build empathy in all quarters. To see them as a distinct age group and not either as small children or teenagers.
Watch Middle Schoolers video below if you need a giggle. It’s genius!