This is what usually happens behind the Family Brains back!!!
Do you have it all together? Do you arrange everything for your family? Do you know where everyone is, where everyone should be, what long-term assignments are coming up and how many veggies they all should eat? Are you the Family Brain? It can feel so, so good to be right, on time, not to blame. BUT at what cost? The price we pay for our superiority in organizing and arranging is usually irresponsible and dependent kids and a diminished connect. I hear you Family Brains, “WHAT?! That isn’t what I meant to do.” Here are five things to consider if you accidentally became the Family Brain.
When we over-function for our family it creates a feedback loop where everyone else is off the hook, and they usually choose to under-function. The Family Brains calls these under-functioning family members lazy, unmotivated, careless and not to be trusted. The under-functioners call the Family Brain controlling, manipulative, always disappointed and can never relax.
2. Give yourself grace if you are the Family Brain. Consolidating power and competence is a way to handle highly stressful situations (new babies, new jobs, moving, etc). It made sense for a season, and now it’s time to re-shift to share both the triumphs and tribulations of solving problems, being organized, knowing what’s happening next.
3. There is a wonky period between Family Brain Control and Family Cooperation. Activities may be missed, dishwashers may remain uncleared, grades might go down, keys could be lost. Think of these as investments in the future capability of our family.
4. When we (the Family Brain) are over focused on others, we have less energy to focus on ourselves. Over-functioning is the perfect escape from our own issues we want to avoid; an aging parent, our health, our no longer satisfying job. Sometimes being the Family Brain is a way to manage our anxiety to avoid the vulnerable side of ourselves.
5. Consider if your kids/spouse tolerate your nagging for the low-cost benefit of your organizing & worry skills. Imagine your kid, “Why worry about the permission slip when Mom will rifle through my room, find, sign it and pdf it to the school while I’m waiting in the principals office and the bus is outside?” or “Who cares about cleaning up the kitchen, if I just nod and say ok when Dad asks me to load the dishwasher, I can just go to bed and someone else cleans it up before I come back down.”
Next week we’ll discuss appetizing ways to split up the responsibility pie so that we stop being the Family Brain and start sharing the joys and sorrows, the trial and error, the mess and the victory of Family Cooperation. It will lighten your load and plump up your relationship with your beloved kiddos.