Doing the Best We Can, With the Information We Have, and What We Really Truly Believe

What are you believing? What are THEY believing?

Anyone been hurt, outraged, upset by what their children have done or haven't done? Great - all hands are raised! I've been pondering this idea that we are all doing the best we can with the information we have.  The older I get the more I truly believe this is so. Age has given me more equanimity (not a lot, but more then where I started). Also, I try, try, TRY not to be such a blamer (old habits die hard, if only so and so didn't do such and such I would be able to let go of this old habit!).  Love + Equanimity - Blame = Compassion

After spending two full Saturdays leading an intensive PEP Parenting class I thought that perhaps this old saying is good for the kids too. When we parent with hurt and angst, like our two year old is tantruming AT us. Our four year old is being unreasonable and undignified about forking over the i pad TO us. Our eight year old is trying to turn our hair gray by 'forgetting' to take out the recycling.  Or our tween is telling us half truths to embarrass us.

What IF they were doing the best they could, with the information they have AND with what they really and truly believe. The really and truly believe is my little twist - because we really and truly believe what we are doing is right (or the only way, or the path to what I need). And guess what. . . . SO DO OUR KIDS. Our two year old believes the world will end when she can't sit in THAT chair, RIGHT now. Our four year old believes his happiness can be found after one more, gosh durn, Pokemon Go guy is found. Our eight year olds brain is filled with legos and how to survive the camp bus and really and truly believes taking out the recycling is LESS important, after all those recycle guys come back every week, what's the big deal, CHILL. And oh boy, our teen is telling us half truths because she loves us, AND she wants to do what she wants to do, and what EVERY SINGLE OTHER ONE of her friends get to do, and honestly believes she will lose all her friends if she doesn't get to go either.  

I hear you, "Seriously Paige, they are doing it TO ME. They KNOW better. I can't let them GET AWAY with this."  I'm with you people, I don't want them to 'get away' with anything either. I bring this up so we remember to dole out equal amounts of compassion AND goodwill as we are upholding our limit. As we wait for the device to be handed over, as we escort the child to the recycling, as we double check with the teens friend's parent about the sleep over, we give them the benefit of the doubt. We assume, we believe that THEY are doing the best they can with the information they have and what they really, truly believe.

When we treat our kids (and everyone else, for that matter) that way we save and protect the relationship.  Once the boundary, limit, chore is upheld we don't have that angry, fearful, upset chasm to cross to get close again. We have goodwill and compassion and with only that between us we can snuggle up close on the couch, watch a good show, and try again tomorrow.

Splash, Splash, Listicle

Diving into summer!

It's too hot and humid to write a whole article, long live the LISTICLE! Here's a short list of stuff we should do.

1. Get those pesky medical forms filled out BEFORE school is about to start AND you are stressed. TRAIN kids to fill out everything they should know, in neat handwriting. Filling out forms is a part of life. Seriously, they can do this - middle schoolers and up SHOULD be doing this.

2. Enjoy. Relax. Have FUN!

3. Get all those pesky appointments out of the way - eye appointment, dentist appointment, yearly check up. Use these longer days and slower pace to get some of these less then exciting chores done.

4. Re-read this series on helping kids de-clutter their room. Try it. Tell me all about it!

1. Step 1: Address the issue & make an appointment
2. Step 2: Follow through on the appointment, but try it this way

5. Screens got you down? I got you - 8 Device Tips to Save Our Sanity (written for the winter holidays, PERFECT advice for the summer holidays).

6. Change your air conditioner filter, you'll be glad you did!

Organizing 101: Sorting

Sorting is easy, fun AND useful!

Summer is a great time to get organized. Our mistakes from last school year are fresh in our heads, our hope for the upcoming year is blossoming and has yet to be crushed, dashed or squished.

I hear you through the internet.. . . "Hoooooow do I start?" (slight whine, whiff of the search for a magic answer, there IS a magic organizing answer, right?)

When I help clients get organized they often head into their office, junk drawer, playroom, closet and want an immediate answer, a solution, an end game. You guys, that's NO FUN at all (and, um, yo! it doesn't work). The answer, the solution, the end game comes through the doing. THAT's the Magical Art of Tidying Up. 

The expectation to HAVE the solution clogs the system, jams the wheels, de-rails the organizing train. Sorting gets it going again. Sorting is non-judgmental, sorting is easy, sorting gets your body into movement and then your brain gets into movement and from there answers start bubbling up.

When I help a client sort I can't feel, don't see, am unaware of the psychic goo* on, around and in each object, piece of clothing and book. I really just see things like - clothes, stuff that doesn't belong here, supplies, to read, action, project, give to spouse and my favorite of favorites - PITCH! Sometimes there is so much psychic goo on the objects that just moving them around upsets the apple cart and the client shuts down.  If we can loosen the goo - tolerate the anxiety and work on the sorting at hand the psychic goo loses some of its stickiness. Then, order and organization, values and priorities can start bubbling up. THAT'S where we find solutions.

When you tackle your next project - think "I will SORT out the answer", not - "Oh no, oh geez, I need an answer. I don't know the RIGHT answer. I think I'll get a diet coke and lay down until the answer magically comes to me (click goes the office door)."

Sorting Categories to Inspire, Move and Motivate

1. Clothes

2. Action (as in it has to get done, action is NOT "I should do this someday" or "It would be nice if this got done" or "My mom (dad, sister or friend) does this, so I should to."

3. To be filed (Stuff you need to keep for taxes or reference BUT no action is necessary. Guys, that's NOT EVERYTHING. Please don't save random articles you can look up online. Please.)

4. Pending where you've hit the tennis ball into someone else's court and you can't do anything until it's returned.)

5. Projects (stuff that takes more then one step). For example: Skirt Project: Does it fit? Do I like it? Where do I get the button replaced? Do I have anything that matches it? Will I wear it? - See, more then one action - try on skirt, look at shirts/shoes, look for button (in the house, online, at a store), take to tailor, get cleaned. When we start acknowledging something is a multi-step project, we start being more realistic about what we have assigned ourselves and what we will actually do. (Pssst. . . we all have more projects then we can possibly do for the next decade.)

6. Not my stuff (toss in whoever's room it is, don't turn it into a game of you helping them get organized, TOSS it in their room. On the other hand, don't THROW it in their room aggressively, just toss it in their room. Having lots of opinions and thoughts about how others really should, could, oughta get organized takes energy from our very own beautiful lives. "Helping" others get organized is a seductive dark art - feels good in the moment, doesn't get you where you want to go.)

7. Pitch (do you hear the angels sing?!)

8. Recycle & Donate (beware this category and it's potential to stop you from moving - allow yourself to put some of this stuff in the Pitch category. You alone can't save the planet, but you can save the planet a lot more effectively if you aren't consumed with your stuff and what to do with it!)

9. Debris - sometimes things defy a category, don't let it stop you! Put all the 'debris' in a category and see what bubbles up.

10. Some Other Time, Thank You - stuff that you want to keep but realistically know you won't get to it until you start your new job, your kids go to school, everyone is done with college, you come back from that trip, you recover from seasonal allergies. Put this stuff away - don't use up good every day real estate for this category.

*Psychic Goo: The meaning, thought, energy you put into objects. "I spent $350 on this, I should keep it." "Favorite Aunt Beatrice gave this box to me, I hate the box, but I love Aunt Beatrice, I should keep it." "What kind of monster would throw out their Dad's Master's thesis from 1974? I should keep it, Dad was really smart, I need proof, right?" "I should fit into these pants, I'm going to save them and they will shame me into submission, right?!" "I might, one day, even though I never have, and I probably shouldn't wear these shoes." Psychic Goo gets in the way of you living your every day life with comfort and ease!

It's All About the Re-Boot!

Summer is the perfect time for a parenting re-boot, the days are longer, the stress is lower, the time pressure has lessened. Ready for  two full days filled with encouragement, camaraderie, information, laughter, enlightenment and fun? PEP is offering, and I am co-leading with the fabulous Elizabeth Jones, a PEP Intensive. Come yourself, bring a friend, tell your neighbors.  PEP knows that fitting in parenting classes is hard for PARENTS! Hopefully these summer sessions will be just what you are searching for. 

Here’s what I love most about this parenting re-boot.

Action Oriented: PEP sends parents home with actions, phrases, thoughts, resources they can use THAT night. A few positive interactions can boost family morale and parental creativity. Action, action, action! I love it, love it, love it.

Parent Support – Guys, it’s hard for all of us. The group setting gives us all the support and understanding we need to look at our problems without shame, blame or pain. You will see that you have a lot of great wisdom to share with the parts of your parenting you are naturally good at and other participants can help YOU with your sticky and confusing situations. It’s a collaborative and creative process and usually filled with lots of laughs.

Things You Have Never Thought of That Will Help -  Our parenting game has been shaped from the moment we were born. Our kids are their own little people, not blank slates. There are developmental behaviors we can expect, endure and they pass. Learning about their development, our private logic, everyone's assumptions from their birth order can infuse our parenting with more self-respect and more respect for the child. Respect usually breeds cooperation. Cooperation breeds connection and connection is the name of the game!

Lively and Entertaining – We learn material through talking, slides, reading, small group work, role plays, worksheets and much, much more. We will laugh as we learn. Something always unexpected happens when we get a group of parents together. Wisdom and realness abound. 

Feel free to contact me if you have any questions!

Pick a Book Title, Any Book Title!

Send alternate book titles . . . 

Sometimes I amuse myself by conjuring titles for different parenting books I would have written at different phases of my journey. Each age and stage brings out something new and different, some of it funny, some of it boring, some of it anxiety provoking all of it universal at one point or another. Shall we?

Goddess Pregnancy: How the First Woman in the World to Ever be Pregnant Handled the Situation - The first woman in the world to ever be pregnant takes you through the ins and outs of pregnancy. Diet Coke-verboten. Cottage cheese – looks gross, strangely makes you feel better. Learn how YOU get to go home early from work because pregnant ladies can NOT ride crowded buses. Learn phrases to use on your significant other – things like waking up and before you even stand on the ground look at them grouchily and say, ‘Honey, you need to . . .. “ Anything will do. Because honestly, while you are growing an ACTUAL human being, they are just skating through life.

Timers, Rules and Clocks: Receiving Your Child is Unbelievably Scary (Alternate title: If In Doubt, Cry it Out) – Is it possible to keep your baby safe by constant vigilance and timing and tracking every feeding, every diaper, every nap? Probably not, but it’s worth a try! How crying means you are happy, sad, content, amazed, at a loss, frightened, in pain, joyful and bored. Just keep crying, someone will eventually do something that makes you feel ok again.

Watch How I Do It (In Overalls, no Less) – See how once you get the hang of this you have answers for EVERYONE on how to do EVERYTHING. A friend’s baby doesn’t sleep – share your righteous opinion. Watch a neighbor carelessly wander to the bananas leaving the baby in the grocery cart near the peas- learn how to scold them with love. Curious about what toys to let them play with, we got answers! (Appendix A: How to Apologize to all your friends and acquaintances for being such a god awful know it all. Appendix B: Yo! You don’t look as cute as you think you do in those overalls.)

Whoops, I Did It Again: Learn how baby #2 is usually vastly different then Baby #1 and all your superior knowledge about how to get a baby to sleep turned out to be dumb luck because Baby #2 isn’t playing your game! Special section covers information on how your 3 year old is actually not a rational person who can help with chores or take care of the baby for you. In comparison to your newborn they seem like they are 11, they are not.

I Wish this Would Last Forever: You Find Your Groove. You put on non-yoga pants and a proper top. You go out with your girlfriends, you rekindle a little romance. Your kids are basically predictable and love you.  You dictate 90% of your kids clothing, food, travel plans, friends, sleep patterns. Bring. It. On.

Groundhog Day: WILL THIS, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, Never End: Seriously, boredom sets in, the same old, same old. You can’t possibly read “Rotten Ralph” one more time. Chicken nuggets and fish sticks have become stale and gummy. Been to the pool, been to the park, volunteered on that PTA, the magic is gone.

SHIT, What the HELL?! The Middle School & Early Teen Years: Don’t nobody know nothin’. Endurance is the name of the game here. You will be too strict or too permissive. Your kid will be too popular or friendless, they will be stressed with good grades or relaxed with crappy grades. The ground is shifting, you have no control, EVERYONE is unsettled. (Special chapter is devoted to ways to humiliate your child – breath, dance a little, sing in the car, have an opinion, ask their friends questions, wear your clothes, laugh, breath more.)

Mistakes Were Made (Swearing, R Movies and Giving Up, Just a Little Bit): The late teen years you loosen the reins because you have learned that they do a lot of what they want before their ridiculous 8:30 pm curfew. You pay attention, but a little less. You realize you made some mistakes. You were too controlling or you were too permissive. You expected too much, you expected too little. You spied too much, you didn’t pay enough attention. Too restrictive on screens, not restrictive enough. (Special Appendices Include: Good hobbies for middle aged people. A list of age inappropriate TV shows to watch with your kids – being bad never felt so good. Links to YouTube videos that will brighten your day and delight your teen. Tips on how to deliver teen slang – tips don’t work, you can’t do it, but it’s funny to practice.) As long as you can still laugh with your kids, all should be fine.

Freedom THROUGH Constraint, Say WHAT?!

You know how we are forever trying to remove obstacles from our child's path? Drive the homework to school, clean up their room, absorb their strong emotions, give them money whenever they ask? Read on fellow parents. . . . read on.

My freedom will be so much the greater and more meaningful the more narrowly I limit my field of action and the more I surround myself with obstacles. Whatever diminishes constraint diminishes strength. The more constraints one imposes, the more one frees one's self of the chains that shackle the spirit.

Igor Stravinsky

The Rear View Mirror is For Glancing, Not For Guiding!

Mirrors are for glancing back and the windshield is for seeing where you wanna go!

Any other angsty middle age people out there trying to figure it out? Any other people dissatisfied with their younger years, maybe even the teeniest bit blaming? You know, "Everything would have been different if I had a better family, more money, went to a better college, if people supported me, if I had gotten the help I needed?"

I saw a graduate students research project at the Adler School and she used the analogy of leading your life looking out the front window of your car, not staring at the rear view mirror to try to 'figure it out.' GENIUS. It really got me thinking. Looking out the front window IS the way to go, yet we have all those mirrors, and now cameras, to look behind because it IS important to glance behind you. Orient yourself. See if you the guy behind you is too close, or if the lane next to you is open to move into. 

However, mirrors/memories are for glancing, checking in, correcting course, making adjustments. Do we need to speed up, slow down, move over, stay in our lane?

HOWEVER, some of us get mesmerized by the mirrors and only glance out the front window. What's in front of us, the reality we created, the destination of our dreams is out front and we can't get there by looking back. Movement, motion, action create our current reality. If we are obsessed with our past and want to fix, change, figure it out we don't have time or energy to deal with today - and TODAY is where change CAN happen.

And for you "Forward Ho!" folks, you need the mirrors too. We create a better future when we know what came before, what's propelling us forward - is it positive or a waste of our time? Are we ready to shift lanes or is the past too close to us to make the move safely?

Here are my two favorite quotes about being in motion, movement, action. We have to look out our front windshield to drive safely and get and stay in action!

“Trust only movement. Life happens at the level of events, not of words. Trust movement.” - Alfred Adler

"Clarity comes from engagement, not thought" - Marie Forleo

Now that summer vacation and family travel is upon us let's get in our cars and spend MOST of our time looking out the front window. What's the destination, what's the dream, and let's all ENJOY instead of ANGST.

Shhhhhhhh. . . Listen UP

Listening - one of the MOST underused parenting. Nay, one of the MOST underused relationship tools out there. And, yo! I am NOT judging because I raise my hand in solidarity for not listening or, even better, pretending to listen. Let's use this quote as our guide this week.

"We need to accept our children as partners in the business of creating family harmony. Their ideas and viewpoints are important, particularly since they act in accordance with them!"  Rudolf Dreikurs

Wait, let's read it one more time, let it soak in.

"We need to accept our children as partners in the business of creating family harmony. Their ideas and viewpoints are important, particularly since they act in accordance with them!"  Rudolf Dreikurs

Seriously, we all, all, ALL behave with a private logic. I'll share a couple of mine.

1. Healthy snacks solve all your problems. If only kids, spouses ate the sanctioned snacks then we'd have no problems with naps, back talk, tidying the house, etc. Whole grains could solve it all.

2. All my ideas would work perfectly for my family and if they only LISTENED (obeyed, did what I said) then THEY would have the life THEY wanted. I believed that (probably still do, a smidge).

Once I heard these as private logic and not as truth, I could move past it and live in a more reality based situation. How I LEARNED this was my private logic was that my sister LISTENED to me over and over and reflected back to me my skewed logic. She listened patiently, repeatedly, without judgement and with humor. Due to her listening I could hear my own crazy.

Now, do NOT throw out the whole grains with the bathwater. We might be wise in some of our private logic - healthy snacks ain't gonna hurt, I DO have some good advice to give that would help them reach their own goals.  AND if I listen to what their goals are I would be even MORE useful, helpful and trustworthy. 

Let me lay another private logic gem on you. Kids in middle school tend to let their grades slip - I kid you not, I think 65% of this is that they hear repeatedly, "Grades don't matter until high school." So really, why worry about grades if they don't matter?! Snapchatting DOES matter NOW so, get on IT! 

WARNING: Listening does NOT mean you do everything they say. LISTENING does not mean then you have equal time to lecture - I know us parents, always looking for a soap box to stand on, "Well, I listened for 15 minutes and now it's my turn to talk for 15 minutes." 

When your kid (spouse, mother in law, friend down the street) is misbehaving, acting like a jerk, making a dumb decision - listen with the intention of understanding their private logic. Listen with the attitude of reflecting back to them THEIR thoughts (remember, we all ACT in accordance with our thoughts). 

Listening is a great way to know the real child you live with, it's a relationship and trust builder, and if you listen well, they usually come back to you to tell you more!

For a few more tips check out this PEP Blog.

Get Started . . . TOMORROW!

How do we start getting organized? (Remember, we are going to practice getting organized, not obsessing about being organized, for a refresher read last week's post). Let's do a listicle, shall we?

1. It only takes one person to decide and get organized. I see a lot of spouses pointing fingers, blaming and trying, by gosh almighty, that the other spouse (child, children) WILL HELP, and be appreciative and see the value in, and adore being organized. You guys, Gandhi said, "Be the change you want to see." So, so very irritating, and yet so very, very true and powerful.

2. Start with stuff you do/use every day. Think waking up, getting out of the house, meals, fun time, work/homework time and going to bed. Clean out your car and find a different relationship with your commute. Create a meal plan, execute MOST of the meal plan and watch your shoulders relax at 5:45 pm instead of reaching for a glass of wine or yelling at your kids.

3. Routines, routines, routines - brain research tells us we mostly do the same stuff we did yesterday. Start creating routines and after a while they sustain themselves. Such, such magic in routines. Creativity blossoms INSIDE of routines. How to start you ask? Try Flylady.net and just follow the directions for a week or two. The trick is that a few routines will be magical, a few will fall flat and not work for you. The ones that stick transform your life.

4. Less is More - In almost everything. Reduce the number of toys and you instantly reduce the amount of nagging. Reduce the calendar clutter and you miraculously transform the - "Hurry, hurry, we're late." energy in your house. Reduce the nagging and you will see the goodwill increase.

5. Make helping out appetizing to your family. Usually we martyr ourselves for years and one day wake up when our kids are teens and shriek, "Hey, you guys get in here and help and I mean it and do it PROPERLY. I hate chores too!" Sound like you want seconds of that? 

6. Come out tomorrow night and share your pain with a group, get inspired, get some answers and then we can Get Organized!

Getting Organized: Where (and Why) Do We Start?

Honestly, when you walk into your room, which shelf would support calm and effective parenting during a stressful moment?

I seriously, really, honestly, love helping people and families get organized. The freedom being organized creates, the space, the harmony, the goodwill, the positive self-talk is so giant, so underestimated, so overlooked. If I could sell that in a pill form I'd be a Billionaire AND I would still love helping people get organized (I think?).

People think BEING organized is the key, and you know what . . . it's NOT. GETTING organized is the magical place. Do you know why? Because you can do it over and over and over again, at anytime, in any place. Feeling overwhelmed and anxious on your plane ride - try tidying your space, your purse, your briefcase - jot down a quick agenda - I'm not kidding - 20 minutes meditation, 20 minutes reading, 20 minutes composing notes from conference and the rest is movie time. Did you feel that anxiety go down, the control go up (but the good kind of control, not the white knuckly kind of control)? Did you notice I stopped trying to keep the plane in the air with the small of my back,  the turbulence is what it is, the weird guy sitting next to me will be out of my space in two hours? Through a bit of organizing and tidying I got myself out of my anxiety spiral and right into my very own space and moment - THAT's where the power is.

It's hard to start, until you have lots of practice, and lots of good self-talk and you are forgiving, compassionate and you give yourself a wee bit of tough love. Professional Organizers, or a good friend, or an organizing book that speaks to you, or an inspiring and funny workshop (wink, wink, click the button below!) is sort of like the turpentine to our sticky, messy crazy thoughts that slow us down or stop us in our tracks. Once we identify our particular brand of crazy (usually perfectionism, fear, anxiety and lethargy mixed into a stew of self-doubt) we can make changes, purge, find the treasures, create traction, get some movement, get straight, go forward, move ahead (Devo, anyone?).

No Butt's About It, Use "AND" - AND You Will Transform Your Thinking

I just got back from a NASAP (North American Society of Adlerian Psychology) Conference. I can't decide if it was the conference or the hotel room all to myself that was the most exhilarating. No matter, in Adlerian Psychology it's best to replace but with AND. What a powerful, powerful parenting tool!  Shall we experiment?

To your whining and complaining 9 year old, who you have a gentle arm around, as you escort him to the car, "I understand you hate swimming lessons and everything about them, AND it's time to go."

To yourself after the 7,265th morning you have to go to your child's room to get them up on time, "It's not my fault we have a lot of power struggles in the family, AND it's my responsibility to change my controlling ways to lessen power's impact on us all." 

To your teen who is texting furiously on their phones at the dinner table, "I understand it's excruciatingly painful to zip a a goodbye to your boyfriend, AND it's time to pop the phone in the device bowl."

Give it a whirl, transform your buts into AND and see how it changes your thoughts, actions and attitude. 

***BONUS - Book List from the conference:

Family Council: Rudolf Dreikurs just has a WAY of being firm, friendly, clear and hopeful. This parenting thing is hard for all of us. Family meetings are one powerful tool - this book can give you insight, practical tips and inspiration. (For more support and ideas, keep an eye out for the PEP's Family Council Workshop!)

Raising Kids Who Can: Watching Betty Lou Bettner in action is a sublime treat of an Adlerian conference. She helps families keep what's good and transform what's negative.

Present Like a Pro: A four hour workshop with Kevin O'Connor feels like 45 minutes. We laughed, we cried, we learned - I can't wait to dive into his book to find out more!

****Double Bonus - Fabulous PEP Leader, Patti Cancellier and I presented on the Family Council. We talked about what gets in the way of having regular meetings. . . I love it when I teach what I need to know!

*********Triple Bonus - Lil' Sebastian helped us present  . . . . Go ahead, take a minute, say, "Bye Bye Lil' Sebastian"

Chocolate & Wine

Underused Parenting Tools: Caffeine, Dessert and Wine

Are ya with me, do I have you? Ok, sit back, relax and stick me because this was a bait and switch situation. This topic is such a turnoff for so many people I dared not lead with WORKOUT. However, I am passionate that working out WILL change your parenting AND organizing game, for the better, more productive, more patient and more fun.

And you guys, I’m not talking about going to the gym (although, feel free), or doing hours of Soul Cycle (but maybe once a week would be invigorating), or lifting heavy weights (a few light weight reps a couple times of week can do wonders for the middle age sag and memory). I’m talking about making working out an every day part of your life. And NOT to get skinny, and not to look good, and not to fit in your jeans from 10 years ago. No, no, NO!

I want you to workout because it will help your family, and organize your brain, and generate creative solutions, and help you to discern what’s a big deal and what’s not. It is fantastic modeling for our children that working out IS a part of DAILY life. Sure, you'll have a million excuses why you can't, don't wanna, don't feel like it. KEEP those excuses AND workout anyway.

Here are a few tips and tidbits  for you to  consider. 

Walking – the best middle age workout around. You can walk anytime. Your heart rate goes up but you don’t get completely sweaty so it’s very versatile (at lunch and on the way to/from work, for example). If your kid has a soccer game, drop them, walk for ½ hour and then watch the rest of the game. I pass the monuments on the way to carpool once a week. I leave 30 minutes early – park the car and walk from the WWII memorial to the Lincoln. I’m surrounded by beauty and tourists, there are ample clean bathrooms and I pick up the kids with a whole new lease on life! I’ve been known to do a 30 minute walk in an airport while my plane is delayed. Now, you need someone to watch your bags and you have to promise your family you will walk far AWAY from the gate, but it works!

Consistency and consistency does not mean perfection! Consistency means you do your best, you push, you pull back, you try something new, you re-play your favorite oldies, you have 2 gazillion back up plans. Consistency and 2 gazillion back up plans will pave the way to an exercise addiction, and THIS is something we want to be addicted to. For example, I planned a 45 minute walk. . . whoops presidential motorcade blocked the road, 20 minutes will do. Gonna go to the gym, but kiddo has strep throat.  . .  I’ll pop in that 30 minute video. I hurt my foot, I’ll spend the next week working on the old upper body. You know what? I need a break, I’m going to take the next week off and I’m sure, certain, not worried at all, that I’ll be back and refreshed the next week. THIS how consistency talks to you. 

Family Fun – Hiking, water activities, outdoor adventures, walking to dinner (ice cream, coffee shop, park). All those steps add up. Bonus - water activities means NO PHONES/DEVICES - two birds, one stone!

Workout Clothes – If I put on my workout clothes when I get home (even if I don't feel like working out) and set up the basement to work out (even if I have a slight headache and am tyty) I will be more like to just suck it up and do 10-15 minutes. That’s enough to change my interaction with my kids and the cheese drawer. Sometimes just being in workout clothes gives me a new kind of energy.

Chores – wear your fitbit and you will see how 'to-ing and fro-ing' for 30 minutes BOTH neatens up your day, increases your heart rate a tad, AND piles on the steps. Imagine, 10,000 steps AND your bed is made and clothes put away, magical, magical, magical!

WHEN you are irritated by your family, workout. WHEN you are in a lot of power struggles, workout. WHEN you are disorganized and scattered, workout. WHEN you feel sorry for yourself and overwhelmed, workout. Now watch, Sexy and I Know It - because, "I Work Out!"

Parenting + Organizing: A Love Story

What if I told you you could REDUCE the number, and usually the severity of power struggles through organizing? Would it give you motivation? Would you be curious? Would you get in the game?

I love to look at problems from a different angle, a new spot, a fresh perspective – let’s take a look at a few common power struggle spots and see what happens if we organized them a wee bit.

Morning Mayhem

Get up earlier then your child and get YOURSELF ready. Do this, no excuses. This will GREATLY reduce the stress level in the house. You HAVE the power. Try it for THREE days this week. Let me know the difference when you face your morning breath kids fully dressed, cell phone charged, coffee cup in hand. Your ability to deal with the typical morning drama will be greatly enhanced.  

De-clutter the kids clothes. Take anything out of their closet that they love wearing and they can’t wear to school, bada boo bada bing – no more struggling over shorts in winter, princess dresses during the week, or anything that gets you hot under the collar.

Remember in real estate it’s location, location, location. In Morning Mayhem it’s the night before, the night before, the night before. Pack bags, charge cell phones, prep lunch, check on sports equipment / gym clothes. IF you don’t wanna fight – GET ORGANIZED!

Homework Hassles

Create homework location/station. Purge it often. DELETE anything that is not homework related (comic books, supplies they don’t use – even if you spent a lot of money, and they might use the supply someday. If you can’t part with that expensive supply, put it in the basement and get it out of the kids homework area).

Uphold a homework time. Check out The Learning Habit for detailed instructions. There IS a formula.  Our job then is to UPHOLD the limits on time, screens, etc. This getting organized will keep you busy and greatly minimize the time you have to nag, lecture and power struggle.

Create a weekly review with each child to get an update on grades, homework, long term projects and ways you can help. Resist the urge to probe/nag other then this weekly meeting time. Keep a private list to go to when you really, really want to probe or nag and you can pull it out when you meet.

Dinner Time

Menu plan, here are some tips. Ask kids for input. Stick to the plan. Expect complaining. Don’t react to the complaining. Enjoy your healthy-ish food.

Get a crock pot. Get a crock pot. Get a crock pot. Use it. Use it. Use it.

Clean out your fridge. Honestly, we won’t be so crabby and short tempered in the evenings if our refrigerator isn’t gross. Trust me.

Finally, take the PEP Workshop, Power Tools for Power Struggles to learn more. We will have more solutions, ideas, tips and tidbits for you, can’t wait to see you there.

Help! I've Fallen into a Power Struggle and I Can't Get Up!

Anyone remember that choice commercial? Bueller, Bueller, Anyone, Bueller? 

I digress. How the heck to get out of a power struggle, with MY dignity AND my child's dignity in tact? Here is a list of 10 actions/thoughts/re-frames you can use:

1. If it's not a safety issue - let it go for the moment and go back to it. This takes Herculean effort. I am not saying it's easy. Try ONE time letting it go, call me, tell me everything!

2. Claim your own power. Remember - we got the money, the car, the house, the job, the legal rights. I'm not saying CONTROL them, I'm saying we often are victims of tears and tantrums and forget that we have so, so, SO much more real control and power then them. Have mercy.

3. If you can DO SOMETHING - do it. If you power struggle over princess dresses being worn to school - put them all on your upstairs shelf in your closet and they are available on the weekends. If you are power struggling over dessert, take a break from dessert for a few nights (have NO dessert in the house!). 

4. Give it to 'em! power struggles are a way our kids tell us when they are ready to move forward. Listen to the message. Give them positive power - pick their clothes, have a say in summer planning, decide on dinner.

5. Kids who are in a lot of power struggles tend to live with adults who enjoy power and control. (Man in the Mirror moment - take a minute).

6. Stop trying to MAKE anyone DO IT. If you are trying to make someone do something, eat something, go to sleep at a certain time or get motivated. Please stop. Can't do it, won't happen. Dead end street.

7. Worry About Yourself! (watch it, watch it again, share with your kids, never gets old!).

8. Read up on development. You don't want to be power struggling over normal and annoying behavior (think 2 year olds saying, 'no', 4 year olds tantruming, teens eye rolling).

9. Ask your spouse or a friend what they see in your relationship with your child. I was greatly helped when my husband pointed out my kids played me like a fiddle,  power struggles would ensue and the focus would change from what needed to get done to who was gonna win. I'm not saying I was gracious in the MOMENT he pointed this out, I'm just saying it really helped.

10. Join me for the Power Struggles workshop! It will be fun, we'll laugh and learn and I might just let you get the last word!

CAUTION - EXTREME HEAT DANGER

Our emotional terrain should come with 'Caution' signs!

I've been out and about giving a lot of talks and preparing for an upcoming workshop.  All paths are leading me to the prickly landscape of Power Struggles.  When we are struggling with our child over who has power it feels a lot like this arid, never ending, not welcoming terrain. It's hot, hot, hot all day long and freezing, freezing all night long. 

When we find ourselves in the land of the Power Struggles, fear not fellow travelers - this is where we learn, and grow, and practice skills, and work together. When we get on the other side, and are in our oasis, our pool, our hammock in the shade - we appreciate the quiet and the comfort all the more because, we know what it's like out here in the stinking, hot desert. Every landscape has it's pros and cons, let's review.

Pros of Power Struggles

Our child is growing. Our child is developing. Our child is actually saying to us, "I got this, butt out, stop controlling me." We can DO less when they DO more (love!). Spicy and sassy is an energy. Those power struggley kids need support and creativity to channel that energy but, we don't want to squish it. We get an opportunity to flex our emotional muscles, tame our runaway anxiety, get comfortable with ambiguity and uncertainty. We find our core values. We discover our outer most limits, we learn new things about ourselves and our child. We practice endurance (underused parenting tool!). We see some new landscape, we get shoved out of our rut.

Cons of Power Struggles 

It is not quiet. It is not peaceful. It is not soothing. We discover (again) we only have control over one person in the entire universe, that is ourselves. If we are in lot of power struggles with our child it usually points to the fact we are trying to control the child - we can't do it (as much as we try). We have to focus on ourselves (always more uncomfortable to look at the man in the mirror then to lecture, nag or cajole our child). We often find ourselves walking in hot and sweaty circles, power struggles are often repetitive, repetitive, repetitive (infuriating!)  It feels never ending.

Power struggles can take the fun out of parenting, or they can be a window of opportunity fo us learn more about development, our kids and ourselves.

Next week let's talk about ways we can deal with a good, old fashioned, every day. run of the mill power struggle. But for now - put on your sunscreen and hydrate!