Listening - one of the MOST underused parenting. Nay, one of the MOST underused relationship tools out there. And, yo! I am NOT judging because I raise my hand in solidarity for not listening or, even better, pretending to listen. Let's use this quote as our guide this week.
"We need to accept our children as partners in the business of creating family harmony. Their ideas and viewpoints are important, particularly since they act in accordance with them!" Rudolf Dreikurs
Wait, let's read it one more time, let it soak in.
"We need to accept our children as partners in the business of creating family harmony. Their ideas and viewpoints are important, particularly since they act in accordance with them!" Rudolf Dreikurs
Seriously, we all, all, ALL behave with a private logic. I'll share a couple of mine.
1. Healthy snacks solve all your problems. If only kids, spouses ate the sanctioned snacks then we'd have no problems with naps, back talk, tidying the house, etc. Whole grains could solve it all.
2. All my ideas would work perfectly for my family and if they only LISTENED (obeyed, did what I said) then THEY would have the life THEY wanted. I believed that (probably still do, a smidge).
Once I heard these as private logic and not as truth, I could move past it and live in a more reality based situation. How I LEARNED this was my private logic was that my sister LISTENED to me over and over and reflected back to me my skewed logic. She listened patiently, repeatedly, without judgement and with humor. Due to her listening I could hear my own crazy.
Now, do NOT throw out the whole grains with the bathwater. We might be wise in some of our private logic - healthy snacks ain't gonna hurt, I DO have some good advice to give that would help them reach their own goals. AND if I listen to what their goals are I would be even MORE useful, helpful and trustworthy.
Let me lay another private logic gem on you. Kids in middle school tend to let their grades slip - I kid you not, I think 65% of this is that they hear repeatedly, "Grades don't matter until high school." So really, why worry about grades if they don't matter?! Snapchatting DOES matter NOW so, get on IT!
WARNING: Listening does NOT mean you do everything they say. LISTENING does not mean then you have equal time to lecture - I know us parents, always looking for a soap box to stand on, "Well, I listened for 15 minutes and now it's my turn to talk for 15 minutes."
When your kid (spouse, mother in law, friend down the street) is misbehaving, acting like a jerk, making a dumb decision - listen with the intention of understanding their private logic. Listen with the attitude of reflecting back to them THEIR thoughts (remember, we all ACT in accordance with our thoughts).
Listening is a great way to know the real child you live with, it's a relationship and trust builder, and if you listen well, they usually come back to you to tell you more!
For a few more tips check out this PEP Blog.
