Training Day

Training is NOT

Bossing people around. Giving instructions. Nagging. Reminding. Cajoling. Commanding. Doing it for them as they watch. Expecting perfection. Wanting them to do it your ONE superior, fabulous, efficient and morally correct way.

Training IS

Asking them if they would like to learn how to do something (and then accepting the answer). Watching what they already know how to do. Building on strengths. Expecting mistakes. Embracing creativity. Learning to love a lumpy bed, a messy worksheet, a baggie full of Doritos and all the Doritos on the ground.

DO NOT TRAIN

When you are tired, grouchy, over caffeinated. Do not offer to train when you mean they have to do something. Do not train when the child is upset, tired or grouchy. Do not train when it's game time. Do not have child practice tying shoes when it's 5 minutes to out the door time. Do not have child set the table when your boss is coming to dinner and you really care about how it looks and you're going to do it over again anyway. 

DO TRAIN

When you are both in a good mood and willing to work together. Train on something the child wants to learn. Train when you can take the long view - child's room will be neat and tidy when he is 37 AND it's important to practice now. Train when it is NOT game time (again, I can't emphasize this enough) - try new foods at snack time (not at dinner time), practice tying shoes before bed (not when you need to get out of the house, in a rush!), crack a dozen eggs with nothing in particular to cook (not when you only have two eggs for your recipe you are making to take to tonights potluck).

SPIRIT OF TRAINING

Imbue the child with possibility and creativity.  Work with their strengths. Training blossoms at lots of different times. That means that even though it feels like they will never fold their clothes, or put them away, or heck - even get them into the dirty clothes bin for gosh durn sakes - keep planting and sowing the seeds. In our family garden we never know what's gonna bloom when. Training is relationship building (nagging is relationship draining). Training is an investment. Invest early, invest often!

Parenting Shmarenting

Top 10 Reasons for Parenting Classes/Workshops.

1. It gets you out of the house, away from the kids (tee hee - but seriously, we all need a break).

2. Parenting classes remind us that raising kids IS challenging, and we aren't the only knuckleheads out there confused and frustrated.

3. We see we are good at some stuff and struggle with other stuff, and so does everybody. What a relief.

4. We learn about a variety of resources - books, workshops, classes, online seminars, podcasts that can infuse our parenting with inspiration and new ideas.

5. We see the universality of all our experiences. Rarely is a parent educator surprised by a question or a problem, because it's the same stuff over and over - messy rooms, problems with friends, picky eaters, no sleepers, homework avoiders.

6. We laugh together, because it IS funny. Seriously - it's funny the parent/child dance. Now, it's not funny when it's you, but it IS funny when we can see together the hilarious things we do to try to get a four-year-old shod and fed before 8am.

7. We can see ourselves more clearly - and that's where change happens. Change happens when we are in the middle of our very own lives - no excuses, no over-dramatization, no soft focus. In the safety of a big group we can quietly notice where we might be too demanding or too permissive.

8. We get inspired. We hear some great idea from another participant and we have the energy, fortitude and knowledge to take it home and try it. 

9. We learn new language. A couple of encouraging, firm and friendly phrases can turn that persistent power struggle into a whole new dance. Our language impacts our thoughts and our thoughts impact our actions. 

10. It gets us out of the house and aways from the children (tee hee - but seriously, you deserve a break today.).

Catching Happiness

I love this quote! I use it a lot in classes I teach for PEP (Parent Encouragement Program).  PEP is based on democratic parenting. It’s neither permissive (child in charge), nor autocratic (parent in charge). EVERYONE is entitled to, “Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” PURSUIT, people. Not acquisition, nor fulfillment, or purchase or trade of happiness from one to another. Each of us has the right to pursue our own happiness.

Giving our child happiness – a toy, laissez-faire bedtime, letting them leave their crap all over, saving their butts regularly by driving forgotten work to school ain’t gonna teach them how to catch happiness themselves.

AND – parents, I hate to tell you, same goes for us. When we demand a semester of little Tom receiving all green lights, or darling Eliza making the travel soccer team, or dear Nathan having copious social engagements, or Joe getting into the college of our dreams - we are asking them to catch happiness for us.

Let's examine, ponder, explore, where we are giving away happiness and satisfaction. Anywhere the child might do better catching happiness on his own?  Do we fill his calendar with so many social/extra-curricular activities that he only needs to show up? Consider, it’s a different skill set to show up then it is to decide, and pursue, on your own, what you might like - karate, or piano, or filmmaking, or fencing, or video games, or nothing (gasp!).

Alternately, am I so obsessed with my kids lives, grades, friends, weight, room that I overlook my own life, work, friends, weight and room? It’s much less anxiety provoking trying to fix up someone else then it is to look at, and start to work on our own “stuff”. Catching happiness for another feels easier, seductive and compelling because we don’t have to worry about disappointment in ourselves. If they aren’t happy – well, we can give them a lecture. If they don't follow through, we can give them a lecture. If we chase happiness and aren’t happy, or if we start chasing happiness and don't follow through . . . ugh! We have to feel our own disappointment, discouragement and shame.

Where are we unhappy that we might do better focusing on ourselves, rather then nagging a child? Where are we giving happiness to our child? Where are we demanding happiness from our child? Shall we spend this next week catching our own happiness and leave it up to our kids to catch their own?

Adapted from April 2016 Glover Park Gazette Parenting in the Park column.

No! . . . Well Maybe, I Don't Want You to Be Mad. . . . .ummm. . . Ok?

Have trouble saying "no"? Have trouble sticking to your "no"? As a recovering "nice" person, I completely understand, empathize and get it. If you are good at a firm, respectful, loving, "No." please take this extra time and watch . . . . Sisters, or if you are in more of PG13 kind of mood, enjoy Between Two Ferns (caution - do not click if you are short on time, you WILL go down a rabbit hole of hilarity)

Here's what I've learned. . . . 

1. You don't need NO explanation for your "no". The buffer before the "no", and the run on sentences after the "no", are thinly veiled ways that us nice people are trying to control the person/situation. I have come to realize that trying to control others is really not that nice. Each of us is entitled to our own feelings and interpretations. That includes the person we are saying, "no" to.

2. We pay the piper somewhere along the way. We might look bad in the person's eye who we are delivering the "no" to, and that is better then losing our integrity or doing something we really don't have time for. If we overcommit because we are afraid to say "no", we may have pleased the PTA President, but our kids will have to endure our short temper as we deal with school auction overwhelm.

3. Silence is not, "no". Guys, when we don't answer it's rude AND not avoiding the conflict. It's moving the conflict underground - which means there is still conflict. That said, you don't have to say no right away, acknowledge the request and tell the requester when you'll get back to them. "I got your request, I'm going to consider it for a few days and get back to you."

4. We might be allergic to "no" because we are devastated when someone says, "no" to us. We assume everyone feels the way we feel. We might change our relationship to "no" if we practice receiving some solid "no's" and see that we can, in fact, get on with our day.

5. Come up with phrases ahead of time and practice them. "I'm so glad you asked, I'm not available right now to help." "For this season, I can't take on anymore volunteer work, and I'm happy to come to your event."  "I am booked that day." No, thank you."

5. Perhaps we want to control strong emotions? We avoid saying, "no" to our kids because we are afraid they will blow up, cry, rebel, retaliate, negotiate. Yo! The sooner those kids get used to "no", the more options they will have. Watch this short Wendy Mogel video for some inspiration and practical language.

"No" is a part of life. Let's makes sure we have a healthy relationship to saying and receiving the inevitable "no" in our life.

Smitten Kitchen

OMG . . . HOW to get my kitchen to look like THIS?!

To follow up on the Underused parenting tool of MENU PLANNING let's discuss our kitchen, shall we? If we avoid cooking we might start by dating our kitchen. Say Whhaaaattt?!

1. Dress for your dates: I like to wear aprons. They make me feel purposeful in the kitchen. The action of putting it on tells my brain it's time to tidy up.

2. Give your kitchen little gifts: Buy new hand towels. Get a beautiful Le Creuset pot. Replace burnt out light bulbs. Buy new rubber gloves (with no holes, you deserve them). Replace that SOS pad. Get a new sponge. Put nice hand lotion under your sink.

3. Chuck the baggage: Don't invite your taxes (or permission slips, or bills to pay, or junk mail, or magazines to read, or coupons) on your date with your kitchen. Seriously, BOOT all non-kitchen items OUT of your kitchen. 

3.5: Keep chucking kitchen baggage: Get rid of gadgets and gizmos you once use, you should use, you might use and ONLY leave gadgets and gizmos you use at LEAST once a week.

4. Lose the weight before you date: Pitch, donate, purge all the stuff you don't use; quinoa (sorry, I know I should, I don't), fennel seed for that one recipe, cookies I shouldn't eat but someone gave me, all those grocery bags stuffed and overflowing from my grocery bag holder, the copious vinegars we got as hostess gifts, the little packets of soy sauce from the chinese food takeout.

5. Wash your face: Take EVERYTHING off your fridge - magnets, photos, phone lists, to do lists, art projects. Just do it. No excuses. Live that way for a week, call me and tell me what happened.

6. Check in every night before bed: Say goodnight to your kitchen with a quick little check in. Dishes on the drying rack put away, papers that found their way on the counter corralled to their proper spot, last few dishes in the dishwasher and run it. Give it a smooch and tell it sweet dreams.

7. Buy flowers: Nothing says, "I'm worth being neat and tidy" better then some fresh flowers - $5 at the grocery store and you get a week of your kitchen dating you right back.

Organizing + Parenting = Order & Calm

Underused Parenting Tools

Here's the point - sometimes we are so focused on making that child DO their homework, CLEAN their room, STOP fighting with their sibling that we forget all the wonderful, beautiful, beneficial, life affirming and glorious things that can happen when we work our problems from a different angle.

After years in the trenches myself, leading parenting classes and coaching people in their homes we often overlook so very, very many parenting tools. And it's my firm belief that parenting isn't about making your child be something you want them to be, but it's an avenue, a road, a hallway down which we can grow into a new kind of person and create a lifelong relationship with our child. Potty training ends. Sleepovers end. AP Exams end. The relationship with our child never, ever ends.

Combining the un-finishable and amorphous task of parenting with the simple, concrete, definable organizing tasks we can expand BOTH the order and the calm and in our lives. Not all the time, not every moment, but more often then not. The Underused Parenting tools give us a foothold when we are confused, overwhelmed, angry and anxious. 

If your four year old is tantruming (again!), if your 8 year old is cutting corners doing their chores, if your teen is doing less then stellar on their AP's and you are losing your mind, at your wits end, about to blow . . . STOP and Menu Plan! Seriously, dinner happens every night. Nutrition is a powerful tool to help with all sorts of undesirable behavior. A fun and relaxed dinner time can set the the tone for a cozy night of homework and chores topped with a quick show or a story.

Do NOT over look this powerful, always useful and sometimes delicious tool. 

For specific tips on how to get started, stay motivated and to keep on cookin' check these out:

Wait, What? I Have to Make Dinner Again?!

The Fly Lady

A Beginners Guide to Meal Planning

Pssst . . . success will come once menu planning is a habit. Remember the three parts . . .

Trigger: Ugh! I have to menu plan.  Tweak trigger to - Starbucks coffee, 15 minutes of quiet before kids get home from school on Wednesday, imagine next week's dinners virtually cooking themselves. 

Action: Menu plan - be realistic, don't over do, plan ahead, make stuff people will eat with a bit of variety. Use themes - breakfast for dinner, meatless monday, etc.

Reward: Ahhhhhhh. . . . . the horrible hour of 4-6 just got lighter, healthier, sillier and I got this dinner thing. Bring. It!

You GUYS!

I didn't get my blog done because I procrastinated and then I went and saw THIS at the Kennedy Center last night and I was too tired . . . . . Enjoy the video, go see the show . . . THAT's MY NIFTY TIP.

Have a great week and/or see you tomorrow night!

Seriously, How Do I Get Them To Do Chores?

Photo by LifesizeImages/Photodisc / Getty Images

Don't we all just wake up one day and think, "Wait, what?! Why am I doing EVERYTHING?"  

Usually I like to to be positive, and tell you what you CAN do. But let's mix it up. . . 

There is no one way to write - just as there is no one way to parent a child or roast a turkey. But there are terrible ways to do all three.    Ann Handley, "Everybody Writes" 

I have seven terrible ways to try get kids to do chores. If you want the more encouraging ways - click on the button below, but for today, let's have a little negative-o fun!

HOW TO NOT GET YOUR CHILD TO DO CHORES:

1. Let them do nothing until they are 11 and then demand they get off their butts and help.

2. Be super duper inconsistent. No chores until you've had it, then chores for three hours until you are done, gosh dern it!

3. Hate chores yourself, talk disparagingly about household tasks. Only do them when you are super pissed. Complain bitterly about the lack of help from your spouse.

4. They give an inch, you take a mile. They act jolly helping you shred the cheese, you demand they set the table. They happily (or not hostiley) fold their clothes, you insist they clean out the crap from underneath their bed.

5. Only interact over chores when you are terse, angry, annoyed, overwhelmed, embarrassed, at your wits end.

6. Expect your child to want to do chores, nay - expect your child to be grateful for doing chores. Have't they read the long term studies about chores and children? Don't they realize that YOU giving THEM chores is an act of LOVE? 

7. Never accept a "No" from your child when you request help with a chore. (Pssst, if it's not optional - do NOT ask, instead say, "Jimmy, you may help me clear the dishwasher now.")

I feel kind of bad/guilty now because the blog title was totally misleading, but come to the PEP Workshop and I'll fill you all in on what TO DO!

Hotel Living

Don't you wish?!

Last week we talked about the Underused Parenting Tool of Sleep? How'd it go? What did you try? Anything work? Feeling more rested?

I love to tie in parenting and organizing and here it is. . . Let's all get our bedrooms picked up and cleaned out! Do this FIRST. Do not start with your kids playroom, do not start with your spouses shoes - as much as they irritate you. I KNOW, if you just got your son's legos corralled your family life would be oh, so, so much better, but trust me.

Of the five Global Organizing Tips - the most tragic, sad, horrible and painful  is "Get Yourself Organized First". Do you need a minute? I understand. Here's the thing - it feels better in the short run to point our fingers at everyone else in the family that needs to get their sh** together. Fixing the other is a Dark Art. Remember Harry Potter, Star Wars? The Dark Side is seductive, compelling, riveting - but it in the end, doesn't get us where we want to go.

Let's start with our own bedroom, and you want to know why? You go there every day. Every day. It's the last thing you see when you climb into bed and the first thing you set eyes on in the morning. How does it speak to you? What are the objects saying? Off the top of my head, here's what we are dealing with in the typical parents' bedroom.

CLOTHES: dirty clothes, clean clothes that aren't put away, ill fitting clothes, need to be fixed clothes, stained clothes, totally unfashionable clothes, kids clothes, clothes handed down from our sister-in-law that we know, know, KNOW our child will never wear, running shoes, dressy shoes, ugly shoes, shoes with holes, pilgrim type shoes you bought in the 90's. PAPERS: bills, unopened mail, late bills, medical bills, taxes, catalogs, trash, ticket stubs, art projects, art projects with glitter, styrofoam, macaroni, the art projects that don't fit in our memory boxes, more tax back-up, notepads - written on and blank and 1/2 written on, 40 cent stamps, thank you notes, Playbills, receipts, to-do lists (from 2006). DEBRIS: jewelry, dog toys, kids toys, first aid products, lice products, light bulbs, hair doo dads and brushes. BOOKS, ETC: parenting, organizing, financial, romance, history, biography, board books, kindles, library books (overdue, of course), magazines that essentially tell us we are too fat, wear the wrong clothes, don't measure up, are eating the wrong food groups, vacationing in loser spots, and are a general Glamour Don't. 

Are we exhausted? Do we feel bad about ourselves? Do we wonder why we don't think we have it all together?

AND we have the power to transform our bedrooms and lay our head down in a peaceful serene room each night, and awaken with a clean slate each morning.  Grab a trash bag, get your recycle bins out, dirty clothes hamper open, and donate sack ready to go. Pitch, donate, move to the downstairs bookcase. Do it, DO IT, GO, GO, GOOOOOOOOO!

Here's what will happen. You will go to bed thinking, "I've done enough for today. I got this. It's time for peace and quiet. I'm good enough as I am today.  Sweet dreams everyone!

Underused Parenting Tool: Sleep

SLEEP is a parenting tool?! Yes siree bob, sleeping is most definitely an overlooked tool for us tired & cranky parents. 

Sleep regulates our cortisol (stress hormone), sleep reboots our brain, sleep helps us create, maintain and sustain memories. Getting a good night sleep helps you lose weight. Say what?! It's true, sleeping is part of an awesome diet/health plan. Sleep is so, so, so important and we often think we can get by without it. I know, I know - work, housework, volunteering, Downton Abbey, Transparent, Vines, Jimmy Fallon's latest lip syncing - that won't watch itself!

Hold onto your excuses people. Keep them, embrace them, AND try to get more sleep.

Seriously, what if you could be more patient, creative and encouraging and the only thing you had to change was the shut eye situation? Joy, hurrah, whoopee! Here's a down and dirty list of helpful hints:

1. Set and UPHOLD regular bed/wake up times for everyone in the house using guidelines below for timing. (psssst. . . that's US. We can't stay up until 1 am because the quiet is so delicious and then wake up at 6 am because we have to and then expect that we will act rationally when, not if, our four year old has a temper tantrum. GO TO BED PEOPLE! Thank you.)

2. Everyone is device free one hour before their official bedtime.

3. Everyone get into bed about 1/2 hour before their designated sleep time and read together, or solo read, or play with dolls, or any other quiet activity.

4. Release the temptation to control, nag and be concerned about when people actually fall asleep. Focus on upholding your devices down hour and bedtime limits. Do NOT focus on the sleep. You can not make anyone eat, poop or sleep, as much as we try.

5. Declutter all bedrooms. Why do we sleep so well in a hotel room? Because it's clutter free. No clothes talking meanly to us that they need to be washed, or they don't fit. No giant pile of books we should read to be a better parent, a shrewder investor, less anxious, more fit, or get a green thumb. No kids toys dumped on the floor. No piles of kids artwork to sort. No bills. No unframed photos making us feel guilty & lazy. What would happen if our bedrooms looked like, even just sorta like, our favorite hotel room? Imagine?! Sigh . . . . . 

6. Avoid binge mentality - keep disruptive nights out, sleepovers and sleeping in late to a minimum. Do what you can to wake up around the same time every day. Do what you can people, I understand parties, teens, good movies, catching up on Netflix binge watching . . . all I ask is that you are mindful and keep disruptions to a reasonable number.

7. Waking up in the middle of the night for middle aged folks is normal. Remember, we are all up with you worrying about our kids. We all think YOUR kid is fine, but OUR kid needs to be fixed. And so it is for all of us. I've started having a Kindle near by, I can keep the light low and can fall asleep with it in my hand. WARNING: Do not start surfing for "How to Fix My CHILD (spouse, mother, sister, boss, money, weight, anxiety)" books!

8. Stop eating 2 hours before bed. Drinking (anything) is best shut down around then too. You might feel hungry at bedtime, it passes and it really helps your sleep when you give your insides a break.

We can't do all of these at once, don't even try! But thinking about sleep as a way to minimize the nagging and maximize the cooperation might give you the motivation to uphold some limits, create some routines and just all around get the rest you need!

Recommended hours (from the National Sleep Foundation)

• Newborns (0-3 months):  14-17 hours each day

• Infants (4-11 months):  12-15 hours

• Toddlers (1-2 years):  11-14 hours  

• Preschoolers (3-5):  10-13 hours 

• School age children (6-13):  9-11 hours

• Teenagers (14-17):  8-10 hours 

• Younger adults (18-25): 7-9 hours 

• Adults (26-64): 7-9 hours 

If I Can't Do Their Homework, WHAT Can I Do?

Homework CAN be a cozy time for everyone to do their work  . . . . 

In middle school the kids had to do regular artists presentations. We got tri-fold boards from Staples (I love me a good office supply!), construction paper, double sided tape. I was in hog heaven. History, biography, art, double sided tape, trifold board, what could be more fun? I could totally, absolutely, without a doubt, kick ASS on the artist presentations! The bump in grades would be magnificent. Now, if the boys would only leave me alone while I got to work - they were messy, non-linear, not careful - I really needed to work alone to get those boards ship shape for them. 

Unfortunately, I was taking/leading PEP (Parent Encouragement Program) and was being advised/advising to back off, stop helping and hey, mother, leave those kids alone! This was tragic, a travesty, a great, great loss for their GPAs. However, being both a rule follower and absolutely compelled to do something my thoughts turned to what I COULD do to help facilitate homework (different from doing the homework). Here's my list.

1. Create a homework doing, deep thinking, distraction free zone. Wipe down the kitchen table every day. Create a tiny station with pencils, pens, paper, stapler, calculators, etc close to the table. Then, tidy it every single day. This will keep you occupied AND doing something to help with the homework AND it models the magical art of tidying up!

2. Donate a shelf or two to the cause for each child. Clear out an ample sized shelf or cupboard to each child, very, very, very close to the kitchen table. A door on the cabinet makes everyone happy. 

3. Uphold homework time - if you want a recipe for homework doing please refer to The Learning Habit. The short version, 10 minutes of homework per day/per grade. You uphold the time, they do the work. If they finish early, they free read. Seriously, read this book. (SEE, this is homework help you CAN do!)

4. Set up weekly meetings with tweens and teens to go over grades, goals and pitfalls. Um, people, this is your child's grades, goals and pitfalls. Please do not fix your procrastination problem through your child. Please do not fix your GPA through your child. Please do not fix your ambition/lack of ambition through your child. Thank you. Then write all your nags, concerns, reminders down and review ONCE a WEEK during the meeting. You will absolutely FAIL at this, AND it's worth trying, it will cut down on the nagging, reminding and worry tremendously.

5. Do your own homework. I know, it's ever so much more satisfying to advise, lecture and plan for someone else. And because I love you, here's your wee bit of tough love. Kids do as we do not as we say. Ugh! De-clutter, pay your bills, workout (seriously, if they are doing 2o minutes of homework you can do a workout video, e-mail me for suggestions, I have a million of them!), organize your taxes, edit your photos, delete e-mails, write your thank you notes, clean off your desk-top, donate books.

Consistency: Consequences in Action

What trips us parents up when it comes to consequences is consistency. It's a magical, mystical, paradoxical art. Some of us are super duper inconsistent. "I don't really feel like getting them to bed right now, one more game on the i pad won't ruin them." Some of us are too consistent, "No way, they can't stay up to hang with their out of town cousins, bed time IS 7:30, NO exceptions!" What's a parent to do?

1. Your child will help you figure out if you have a consequences consistency problem. If there is a lot of push back, whining, negotiating around every single limit or boundary - you might be the teeniest bit inconsistent. I've said it before, I'll say it again, kids are very, very under-employed and have a lot of time on their hands. IF they want that sleepover tonight with Zoey, even though they slept over at Zoey's last Saturday, and Sunday was a living hell of over tiredness. . . . they will beg, borrow, plead, barter and cry to get to you to let them do it. Because, why not? They don't have anything else to do but but their little brother and take a bath!

2. Better to have too few consequences then to inconsistently hold-ish up a bunch of them some of the time. Pick  very few consequences that reflect your core values and work on those. Let the rest go. Meal times important? Have a consistent meal time with consistent consequences for lateness, rudeness or bad manners and let go of making the bed for a while.

3. Let the house rules limit the number of consequences by heading off common problems and areas of conflict.  Sleepovers once a month.  TV & video games played Friday - Sunday. Desserts every weekend night. (Do you see what I did there? I phrased everything as a positive - I didn't say "No desserts during the week!" "NO TV during the week", "You can NOT have more then one sleep over a month." Language matters!

4. Let the ecology of the house uphold consequences. Devices and screens in public areas, if devices are found elsewhere they are put away for 24 hours (be reasonable folks, making kids suffer does not teach). This goes for us too. If we, or a beloved screen addicted spouse, lays in bed with their i pad - you are going to have some problems. 

5. Keep your cool, man! Seriously, kids are gonna sneak, and beg, and get over tired, and roll their eyes, and try, try, TRY to get one more minute on their phones. They just are. You might want to review this nifty tip, I'll wait. The Only Shocking Part . . . For real people, this IS the job. They aren't being bad AND they aren't angels. The more we keep our cool and stop being totally shocked and have our hearts broken when they test the limits and need a consequence, the better we will be able to handle the situation AND get on with our day.

6. Keep consequences reasonable, related, respectful, revealed in advance and be sure that they teach responsibility. If you hit your brother at dinner the consequence should not be - lose YOUR phone for a WEEK, YOUNG MAN. Consequences do NOT work if we are too Draconian and try to nip it in the bud by being super mean. The consequence might be that dinner is over for people who hit and breakfast will be available in the morning. Or the hitter has to get up and get ice for the hit-ee and apologize. Or the hitter switches places with Dad so hit-ee is a safe distance from hitter.

Consequences are confusing, they are harder then punishment, they don't solve it all AND consequences can be a really successful parenting tool.  I know you have a million questions, so join me at the workshop, Effective Discipline Without Punishment on Thursday, February 4 at 7:00 in DC.

Underused Parenting Tools: A Series for 2016

Tired of yelling, nagging, cajoling?  Always disappointed in them, in yourself, in your not perfect family?  Me too!

Here's what we are going to do in 2016, we are going to sift through, try on and experiment with some very, very underused parenting tools.  These are tools that aren't the usual thing you hear about in parenting classes. I believe, if we focused on theses tools, we would get much better results then trying to change our child (fat chance, no way, give up now, I tried, it doesn't work, it's too frustrating, it ruins the relationship, it's tiring, it's the dark side - seductive, and ultimately destructive).

Let's start with Mountain Pose. Adding in workouts throughout the day is good for everyone. In Mountain Pose we stand up straight, root ourselves squarely to the earth, open up our palms by our sides to accept whatever is coming our way.  We are the mountain, we are timeless, we accept the weather that drifts over us, we are unmoving.  Here's how it works in action . . . 

0-3: This age group is all about fast moving weather.  A crying two year old who has just bit me  suddenly turns into the most delicious, freshly bathed, best smelling child who leans heavily against my chest as I read his current favorite Dr. Seuss.  I might need to use my mountainy arms to hug said child, but think -- "I am the witness, that is enough. This storm will pass. I am strong, solid and unmoving."

3-5: They won't brush their teeth (again!).  They are in the bathroom with each other uproariously laughing about something ridiculous and annoying to me. I stand up, breath in, breath out, pull my shoulders down, suck my abs in and slowly walk into the bathroom and just stand there.  Seriously, I just stand there.  It might take a minute or two, but something happens when our grown-up and calm brain cells mix in the air with their younger, less focused brain cells.  

6-12: All their friends are over, they have been playing the new PlayStation for 76 hours straight. I have 'agreed' to 75 hours straight.  Child has not held up their end of the agreement. I have nicely yelled (not too loud) down the stairs to remind child about agreement. Mmmmmm, should I try Mountain Pose? Sure, let's give it a whirl. I stand up, breath in, breath out, pull my shoulders down, suck my abs in and slowly walk down into the basement. I stand in front of the screen. I wait, they know. I find if I look into the middle distance, with a Mona Lisa smile on my face, it totally freaks out this age group. The tv goes off and suddenly outside is looking super duper appealing. I hear your through the internet . . . "THEY ARE GETTING AWAY WITH SOMETHING!" Mountain Pose doesn't solve the whole problem, but try it. You will have plenty of time and opportunity to practice consequences later. For now, slowly walk back upstairs and enjoy your quiet house. (You're welcome!)

Teens: House rule is that teens phones and laptops stay in common areas.  Discussions, agreements, consequences have all played out to varying degrees of effectiveness.  (Yo! Parents, we can't win against the screens, we gots to just tread the metaphorical water.  It's the best our generation can do.) I am infuriated, I hate the screen, it's too much, I can't handle it (girl's about to BLOW).  WAIT, Mountain Pose?  Can I use it here?  But how will they learn? (not exactly sure how they will learn, but honestly, I tried, I can't do anymore). Mmmmmm, should I try Mountain Pose? Sure, let's give it a whirl. I stand up, breath in, breath out, pull my shoulders down, suck my abs in and slowly walk up the stairs. I enter teens room, it's a mess. I root myself into the ground. I am timeless. The mess is just passing weather. I stand. I wait. If it's a phone, I might hold out my mountainy hand and wait.  1 second passes, 2 seconds pass. Oh CRAP, this isn't going to work, 14 seconds pass, 23 seconds pass.  Gulp, pull in abs, shoulders down. 48 seconds pass. 1 minute 22 seconds pass. Teen growls, hands over the phone, hurls an insult and an eye roll. I am the mountain, the teen eye roll is just passing weather. I slowly exit the room, limit upheld, usual screaming match diverted. The mountain treats herself to some dark chocolate.

DISCLAIMER:  You have to really, really feel the mountain in Mountain Pose.  You can not do Mountain Pose parenting when you feel super duper aggressive and angry.  You can not do Mountain Pose when you are trying to control 100%.  Mountain Pose might work 85% of the time.  

LAST THOUGHT: Here's the thing about parenting tools like Mountain Pose -- it's got no side effects.  You know, like yelling. We all know yelling can work, but everyone has a yelling hangover later.  Mountain Pose might not be the most efficient, you may not feel in control or superior, and it does't leave you with shame, blame or pain later on.

Let's try it once this week, wanna?! 

5 Tips For Gettng SERIOUSLY Organized This Year

Yo!  People, you make organizing too hard. I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but SERIOUSLY, we need to lighten up if we are going to get the job done. It's one of those paradoxes in life, if we are going to get extremely serious about being organized and de-cluttering this year we gotta loosen our clench, dial up our humor and creativity so we want to come back for more.  Here are 5.5 (I had one more thing I just had to say!) tips to get you on your way.

1. Do not try to save the planet WHILE you are getting organized. Please, please, PUH-LEASE just trash the trash. The best way to help our lovely planet is to simply NOT buy stuff. You will be less compelled to purchase things to fix your life if your home is a big clutter-free hug. PRACTICE throwing things out as a solution (keep recycling and donating, but add in simply pitching stuff to). 

2. Stay inspired.  The thing about organizing is that your accomplishment, especially if you have small children at home, lasts 43 seconds. To stay organized you must stay inspired - Pinterest pages, refreshed and cleanly labeled files, some good music and a delicious cup of tea with the timer set for a small amount of time will help. 

3. Zone It Out.  Get out your metaphorical thick sharpie and draw clean and fat lines around the rooms in your house. Toys in the basement, games in the family room, books & stuffed animals in bedrooms, legos at the big craft table. Our brain is more efficient if it doesn't have to decide stuff all the time. It's not that their books aren't going to always be all over the place, it's that when you clean up it's easy to evict the squatters.

4. Kids stuff:  You guys, it's not our job to memorialize our child's every move. Edit! Get one of these Container Store boxes for each child in your life (color code them) and then what fits in the box, fits in the box. Of course little, cute stuff will take up more space, but be realistic. Good rule of thumb, if it's a worksheet, throw it out. One more time, say it with me, EDIT.

5. Be realistic. The Fly Lady says (Who is the Fly Lady? I love her - check her out) "You can't organize clutter." Time clutter, head clutter, kids clutter, memorabilia clutter, photo clutter, kitchen gadget clutter, pantry clutter, re-usable bag clutter, book clutter. Get it out! I am not saying it's easy, you won't feel like doing it, yet when it's done, OH the freedom it will give you!

5.5 Books & magazines. I can't help myself. Keeping books & magazines does not put the knowledge in your head. Your bedroom is worth being a relaxing and calm hotel room. Have you ever walked into a hotel and seen 28 unread Oprah magazines, 12 New Yorkers, various catalogs and that darn book club book staring at you? Consume books and magazines as they enter your house, then release them into the wild. Otherwise they become stinky fish that stare at you and make you feel bad about yourself.

One More Day Until the New YOU Shines Through!

Just for grins, add . . . meditate, no carbs, second language mastery, practice childhood instrument . . 

You GUYS . . . only one more day of the old us and then we turn into the thinner, more organized, more disciplined, on time, de-cluttered, patient, consistent, second language speaking, full tank of gas, always know where the scissors are kind of person we were MEANT TO BE!

And then you know what?! All our problems will be gone, vanished, banished - for good!  If we are thinner, we will get that promotion.  If we are more patient the 'lazy' child will hop to and study.  If we speak a second language, we will be smarter and will be able to 'figure it all out'.  If we never run out of gas it will be a sign that we are finally a 'grown-up'.  If we know where the scissors are, we won't ever, never ever, not EVER yell at our kids again.  So easy, problems solved.  Phew.

Hi!  Do you hear how crazy that is when I say it?  But isn't that what we secretly think/wish.  If we resolve to be different then the whole universe will change and we will have IT handled.  We will figure IT out.  If only we could be the very best version of ourself, then we'd be surfing on a smooth as glass ocean. Wouldn't that be awesome?!  

But here's the thing, all those resolutions are fabulous if we are keenly aware that the new us we become will only have the power to surf the inevitable waves of life with more dexterity, flexibility, humor and energy.  We can't stop the waves. We can't control other people on their own surfboards (oh, how I've tried).  The resolution keeping will help us understand ourselves, give us more tools when the unavoidable and unpredictable storms descends upon us.  With new, healthy and organized habits we will be able to get up more quickly from the wipe outs (because we will be wiping out).  Look out at sea, we can handle those waves!  

Even with a healthy and resolved surfboard, there will still be waves.