Who do WE need to be when our kid is anxious?
When we discover our kid has anxiety we often focus on THEM and eradicating THE ANXIETY. It’s usually not a one step solution and sometimes we can effect them more by US changing, then by us coaching THEM to change. Here are some tips, tidbits and things to consider.
1. Work towards being a non-anxious presence. Easier said than done, AND worth the effort. Want details?! Read the Self-Driven Child, Chapter 4 - “The Non Anxious Presence”. Here’s a choice quote, “When we can be a non-anxious presence for our children, we do a world of good-just by not freaking out.” In a nutshell we can be enjoying our kids (instead of fixing them or improving them). Also, remember that worry is not love and fearing the future does not keep us (or our kids) safe. And stay committed to our own stress management (see #4), practice a nonjudgmental acceptance (and this is truly a practice - over and over we will need to keep practicing nonjudgmental acceptance).
2. Be alert, but not alarmed. Our kids will experience anxiety the rest of their lives. Being aware, gentle, compassionate is very different then swooping in, solving, convincing, explaining.
3. Play up playfulness. Children (and frankly, most adults) respond to fun rather than commands or suggestions. Have you ever tried role playing stressful situations? Leaving play dates used to be a big drama in our family. I decided to give role playing that very scenario a try. My two boys and I spent time taking turns being the parent and the kid leaving a playdate. We had some good laughs and got insights into each others troubles. Lo and behold, we significantly decreased the drama (we did not eradicate it - realistic expectations keep the stress levels lower).
4. Work on the basics. Sleep, food and movement. Anxiety creates physical symptoms that we can exacerbate with staying up too late, sugar, caffeine, processed foods, and being too sedentary. The physical symptoms decrease and diminish (they do not disappear) when we increase and prioritize sleeping, eating, and moving our bodies.
5. Seek and accept help. Remember, we want our kids to have the skills to live with joy and resilience. Asking for help, going to a therapist, talking to a counselor, reading self-help books are tools that can last a life time.