Do you ever feel like you are the only one doing anything in your house?
Sometimes I look around at the sea of able-bodied persons that reside in my house and they are all planted firmly on their butts, noses in iPads, or iPhones, even an old-fashioned book. It feels like I’m the only person doing anything. Why won’t they help? Why am I doing every- thing? Why does everyone else get to relax? Why am I the only one standing up?
The Kidney Theory. The basis for my parenting philosophy is based in Adlerian psychology. Its founder, Alfred Adler, drew many of his theories from biology. In human bodies, for example, if one kidney is acting up, you remove it and, boom, the second kidney takes over, becoming bigger and more efficient. Adler believed that family dynamics work in much the same way. If one member is overfunctioning, well, it’s just common sense that the other members can take a break and relax and put their nose in a comic book or an iPad or just generally sit on their butts. It’s an interesting theory. If we overdo, guess what? The kids get to underdo. Why wouldn’t they?
Diagnosing your form of overfunctioning. The first step is that we overfunctioning parents need to stop doing things for everyone. We need to practice giving away tasks, and some control, and give our reins of authority a little slack. Let’s all take a look and see where we overfunction for our family. Are we always reminding them about homework, as if they didn’t know? Are we always straightening out their closets and drawers, because they don’t do it properly? Do we still make lunch for our kids, when they can totally handle that job themselves (anyone 6 and over can pack a lunch)? Do we nag and cajole them to get up in the morning? Do we do all of the above? Once you’ve diagnosed your particular form of overfunctioning, take a minute and consider whether you are really helping your children by doing things for them.
The school of hard knocks. Our kid’s best and most valuable teacher, I would argue, is actually the so-called school of hard knocks. Think back, when did you learn how to get somewhere on time? Usually after you were late a few times. When did you start cooking for yourself? Usually after someone stopped cooking or paying for your food. How are our kids going to learn to stand up and do something if we are always doing it for them?
Sit down already (and be patient). It’s hard for us to watch our kids attend the school of hard knocks, but that’s not the only hard part. Once we sit down, we have to be patient. That underfunctioning family member needs a minute (or two, or a month or two months) to build up their muscles. We might sit down and wait a minute. And get up. Things are not done . . . and nagging ensues. Groan.
Let’s try again. Sit down. Stay down. Give everyone a chance. A day late getting to school or stern words from another carpool driver will be a much better teacher than a repeat of one of our often performed lectures. Through our actions (or, in this case, non-actions) we can show our kids we have faith in them. When they are two seconds behind in the morning routine, let’s just believe they know what to do next. When they are going to a sleepover, let’s just get the duffle bag out of the closet and see what happens.
Right functioning. Remember, our ultimate goal is to grow these kids up and out. If we spend our parenting energy on nagging, being ultra-efficient ourselves, and rescuing our kids, when they are 18, we’ll more than likely find ourselves still being ultra-efficient while they are less than ready and trained to take on the tasks of life. On the other hand, if we lead our family to become a right-functioning family, then each member will share in the work, and pleasures, of family life.
Sit down and pass the remote. Now that you are sitting, and chaos has been held at bay by all your right-functioning family members, why don’t you enjoy a book or a board game or a TV show? Please pass the remote!