We can talk about hard things!
As we close in on the year mark of the pandemic and the news just keeps on coming, I thought it might be nice to spend a little time considering how we talk with our kids about difficult topics. Most parents either avoid difficult topics (believing if they don’t speak about them, their kids won’t worry about them) or explain these events (giving too much information without space for the child to talk, question, and process). Let’s find the magic middle.
1. Are your ready? First, determine if you are in a calm, nonreactive frame of mind. Emotions are contagious. If we are carrying a lot of emotion—anxiety, anger, outrage—we invariably pass that on to our children. Once you are calm, grounded, and in an open state of mind, you are ready to tackle a difficult topic.
2. Start with questions.“What do you think about the event?” or “What are your friends saying about the event?” Factor in their age and ask, “Where are you getting your information about the event?” Then listen, really listen. And that means you refrain from talking and you really absorb their thoughts and concerns. Then ask follow-up questions, “Tell me more about that.” “How often are you worrying about this?” Listen again.
3. Provide encouragement.Encouragement is such a beautiful parenting tool. It can be used during happy times and stressful times. Encouragement is not solving problems for your kids. It is building on your children’s strengths—noticing how well they describe the scary event, seeing how they reach out to you for support, being grateful how they are a positive part of the family. Giving a hug is encouragement. Sometimes that’s all kids need to process difficult things—to be heard, understood, and hugged.
4. The Circle Back.When we talk about difficult things, we can get anxious that we have to tell them everything, reassure them, and keep talking until they don’t seem anxious. This usually closes communication channels. Instead, I like to give parents “The Circle Back” strategy to keep in their back pockets. Know that kids do better with shorter and frequent conversations than a big “one and done” kind. Give yourself assurance that you can go back around a few days later, “Hey, I’ve been thinking about our conversation and there are a few things I wanted to add, is now a good time?” “Hey, any more questions about the event?”
Remember, we simply can’t fix everything for our kids. And even if we could, it wouldn’t be good for them. Our job is to model resilience and assure kids that our families are strong and capable. And remember things like hugging, cuddling, and playing with our children are ways to communicate reassurance, reduce stress, and indicate that we can get through hard things.