Paradox and Ambiguity

Say What?!

Yes, it's the worst! Paradox and ambiguity are here to stay, whether we like it or not. Who else needs a good long suffer before they accept reality?

Here's what I'm talking about,  people:

Paradox: If you want to get really serious about something, lighten up.  Especially with kids. If we want them to clean their rooms we need to make cleaning up easier (de-clutter), a habit (yo! we are in charge of routines), and not-stressful (no yelling that you are donating every gosh durn thing that is still on the floor when you come up to check on them in 5 minutes).

Ambiguity: When we decide NOT to do things for our child that they can do themselves (get dressed, finish homework, make their own lunch) they may or they may not end up doing things the way we want them to. We can never be sure if the message we are sending is the message they are receiving, for a refresher check out People are Prisms.

Paradox: When we START  working out (or doing our taxes, or tidying our house or de-cluttering our basement) when we don't EVEN FEEL like it, we often find that 10 minutes in we FEEL like keeping going. When we WAIT until we FEEL like it, we keep on waiting, and waiting, and waiting, anyone, Bueller?

Ambiguity: Wendy Mogel, author of Blessing's of Skinned Knee,  describes children as unmarked seed packets. We might flourish in a harsh weather environment, with hot summers and cold winters. Our child might flourish in an equatorial hot and humid climate. Remember, an easy 8 year old might hit some speed bumps at 15. A tantrumy 4 year old might be a delightful tween. Again, we just don't know for sure.

In my experience, when reality has been accepted there is a new energy source, a new creativity and some new solutions to my problems. I'm not saying you are going to like, but after you practice and accept, you just might! (See what I did there? I used BOTH paradox AND ambiguity).

PEP BOOTCAMP BOOTY!

Same PEP Info, new PEP Format!

Join me for a journey into parenting with the Parent Encouragement Program new format of PEPI: Bootcamp. It's for those of us who WANT 8 weeks of parenting information and support and are short on time!

Description: Do you wonder how to raise your children to be responsible, respectful and trustworthy—all while getting dinner on the table? Do you worry about cyberspace, peer pressure and other facts of modern life? Parenting, while it brings much joy, is hard work. This class will make it easier and much more satisfying by giving you a sound framework for positive parenting and proven skills to correct whining, backtalk, defiance and the whole range of misbehavior. Learn how you can be closer and have more fun as a family while also motivating your children to be more cooperative, self-disciplined and successful.

The Top 5.5 Reasons We All need Parent Education!

1. Parenting classes remind us that raising kids IS challenging, and we aren't the only knuckleheads out there confused and frustrated.

2. We learn about a variety of resources - books, workshops, classes, online seminars, podcasts that can infuse our parenting with inspiration and new ideas.

3. We see the universality of all our experiences. Rarely is a parent educator surprised by a question or a problem, because it's the same stuff over and over - messy rooms, problems with friends, picky eaters, no sleepers, homework avoiders.

4. We laugh together, because it IS funny. Seriously - it's funny the parent/child dance. Now, it's not funny when it's you, but it IS funny when we can see together the hilarious things we do to try to get a four-year-old shod and fed before 8am.

5. We can see ourselves more clearly - and that's where change happens. Change happens when we are in the middle of our very own lives - no excuses, no over-dramatization, no soft focus. In the safety of a big group we can quietly notice where we might be too demanding or too permissive.

5.5. It gets us out of the house and aways from the children (tee hee - but seriously, you deserve a break today.).

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5 Tips to Getting Seriously Organized this Year!

Yo!  People, you make organizing too hard. I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but SERIOUSLY, we need to lighten up if we are going to get the job done. It's one of those paradoxes in life, if we are going to get extremely serious about being organized and de-cluttering this year we gotta loosen our clench, dial up our humor and creativity so we want to come back for more.  Here are 5.5 (I had one more thing I just had to say!) tips to get you on your way.

1. Do not try to save the planet WHILE you are getting organized. Please, please, PUH-LEASE just trash the trash. The best way to help our lovely planet is to simply NOT buy stuff. You will be less compelled to purchase things to fix your life if your home is a big clutter-free hug. PRACTICE throwing things out as a solution (keep recycling and donating, but add in simply pitching stuff to). 

2. Stay inspired.  The thing about organizing is that your accomplishment, especially if you have small children at home, lasts 43 seconds. To stay organized you must stay inspired - Pinterest pages, refreshed and cleanly labeled files, some good music and a delicious cup of tea with the timer set for a small amount of time will help. 

3. Zone It Out.  Get out your metaphorical thick sharpie and draw clean and fat lines around the rooms in your house. Toys in the basement, games in the family room, books & stuffed animals in bedrooms, legos at the big craft table. Our brain is more efficient if it doesn't have to decide stuff all the time. It's not that their books aren't going to always be all over the place, it's that when you clean up it's easy to evict the squatters.

4. Kids stuff:  You guys, it's not our job to memorialize our child's every move. Edit! Get one of these Container Store boxes for each child in your life (color code them) and then what fits in the box, fits in the box. Of course little, cute stuff will take up more space, but be realistic. Good rule of thumb, if it's a worksheet, throw it out. One more time, say it with me, EDIT.

5. Be realistic. The Fly Lady says (Who is the Fly Lady? I love her - check her out) "You can't organize clutter." Time clutter, head clutter, kids clutter, memorabilia clutter, photo clutter, kitchen gadget clutter, pantry clutter, re-usable bag clutter, book clutter. Get it out! I am not saying it's easy, you won't feel like doing it, yet when it's done, OH the freedom it will give you!

5.5 Books & magazines. I can't help myself. Keeping books & magazines does not put the knowledge in your head. Your bedroom is worth being a relaxing and calm hotel room. Have you ever walked into a hotel and seen 28 unread Oprah magazines, 12 New Yorkers, various catalogs and that darn book club book staring at you? Consume books and magazines as they enter your house, then release them into the wild. Otherwise they become stinky fish that stare at you and make you feel bad about yourself.

8 Device Tips To Save Our Sanity

Time for a review .  . . screens make us crazy!

Seriously, what the heck to do about screens, devices, phones, laptops, tvs, handheld games, X-Box, Playstation, YouTube, YouNameIt.

It's one of my most hated parenting tasks - monitoring, AND setting, AND upholding limits on the screens.  Ugh, Ick, Groan!  It's the worst.  And yet -- here we are. As we head into the holidays the kids scheduled time ramps down, and their begging for the screens ramps up.  To keep you sane here are 8 tips and thoughts.

1.         Screen Free Zones and Times – Make the rooms in your house uphold limits for you.  Create screen free zones and time – no screens upstairs, at meal times or at bedtime.  Yo! Limits work best if parents (ahem, that’s YOU) are working within the same boundaries.

2.         Communication, creation, consumption – Not all screen time is created equal.  Be aware if your kid is spending hours and hours consuming (avoid), or communicating (fine, within limits) or creating (yay!).

3.         What are YOU doing? -  Seriously.  If we are constantly texting or we need to have our phone on for work (I hear you whining), what message/modeling are we sending? Children do as we do, not as we say (Darn IT! But true).

4.         Get OUT! - Not in the Elaine Bennis kind of way (Seinfeld fans click here, you are welcome) but in an out of the house kind of way. Plan activities where kids can’t have a phone or device.  Water activities (so genius!).  Active activities – hiking, biking, skiing.  Act super duper generous with the device until you get them on the mountain, in the water, on the trail and then -  HAH! Device free 5 hours.

5.         Ask Questions - Begin a series of open ended conversations. Need a refresher on WHAT an open ended conversation is?  I got you, click here.  To get started try some of these -- What’s your favorite game on your iphone? How much time do you think you should be spending on a screen? How much time do your friends get on their phones (don’t believe everything they tell you)? Would you show me some of your favorite YouTube videos (Instagram posts, Vines, etc.)? What new app are all you kids using these days (it changes hourly)?

6.         Then LISTEN -  Underused parenting tool – listening.  Click here for a refresher. LISTEN to what their answers are to the above questions. Do not comment, do not give them statistics, do not tell them what life was like when you were young, just listen. You got it?  Zip your lip, sit on your hands and learn what your kids actually think. 

7.        They Are Gonna Sneak:  Kids love these devices passionately. Screens make them feel soothed, keep them in contact with their friends, and make them feel connected and productive. I am NOT saying this is accurate, but screens are seductive. Please do not freak out WHEN they sneak.

8.         We Don’t Know What We Don’t Know:  Nobody has the answers yet to the screens and children. We are pioneers, we simply have to do the best we can with the information we have. Chill AND uphold limits. Then gather your family and watch ELF, because that movie is HYSTERICAL!

First a Dream

*Originally published in the December 2016 Glove Park Gazette

Short days make for longer dreams . . . . 

Like any work of art, families need inspiration, fresh infusions of hope and imagination.  Kim John Payne, Simplicity Parenting

As we head towards the winter solstice, the days are short, plants are dormant, the holidays with their twinkling lights and traditions call us to dream, imagine and conjure.

We forget that a delicious, and important, part of parenting is dreaming, imagining, and conjuring up lovely and beautiful scenarios in our head about what is possible. Remember before you had kids what it was going to be like? Go back there for a bit. Sure, the cold hand of reality has woken you up, and yet those dreams are important, informative and inspiring.

I know, I know, I hear you. “Paige, the holidays are toooooo busy, the kids are ALWAYS around, WHAT TO DO about the devices?” I understand AND, don’t let this season of slow growth, short days, chilly temperatures go by without experiencing some life renewing dreaming, imagining and conjuring.

Dream about being on time almost every day. Dream about no diapers. Dream about set tables. Dream about polite and tidy-ish children. Dream about made beds. Dream about eaten vegetables. Dream about family hiking or camping or biking or a luxurious family vacation. Dream about full college funds. Dream about a renovated basement or a spruced up front yard. Dream about a regular date night with a beloved (including yourself!). Dream about life after the kids are launched when you can travel again in October, when all the money is yours and the house has a chance of staying tidy.

Ask your kids to dream, “How could 2017 be magical?” Years ago one of my kids ‘dreamt’ about the family watching a tv show every evening. I had a strict no tv during the week policy. My instinct was to shut it down, no way, I KNOW best! Instead, I gave it a try. Turns out his dream was delicious, relaxing and cozy.

Invite the power of dreaming and resting and conjuring and imagine what could be in 2017.

Pitch, Toss, Donate - Lather, Rinse Repeat!

Tis the Season to De-Clutter!

In this season of buying gifts it seem counterintuitive to think about purging, but stick with me here. If we decluttered our houses and our calendar, think how many parenting problems would solve themselves.

The magical art of tidying up is truly magical in a family setting.

Declutter the kids room and -- badaboobadabing --they can clean it up themselves in under 15 minutes (they won’t all the time, but they CAN!). Declutter our calendar and when (NOT if) it takes our four year old forever to walk to the car, we can handle it, we can enjoy it, we can embrace it.

I know none of us has time, however, meditation can help purge your brain and emotions of negative spirals. Headspace is what I use and I think it slowly, tortoise-like, has altered my brain. Not in an instant and not in an earth-shattering way, but noticeably and meaningfully.

Next time you are in a parenting pickle, STOP. Don't try to fix the kid, clean out your closet. Throw out all the yucky hangers, take out the half-torn dry cleaning bags, and pitch all the clothes that are stained and don’t fit or make you feel bad about yourself. I can practically GUARANTEE a new, interesting and innovative parenting solution will bubble up from the process.
 

*Expectations, A Practicum

Is this what Thanksgiving is going to look like at your house?

Expectations: Cozy car ride talking to each other and playing the alphabet game and singing Raffi songs.  Delicious home cooked nutritious meals where children try new foods and eat yellow and green and orange things.  Getting to that pilates class & long walks after meals.  Playing board games and doing puzzles. Combed hair, none of it in eyes, all of it in a hairband and no squabbles over styles or washing. Wearing the fancy & nice clothes Nana bought, all of it ironed, most of it unstained.  Loving and understanding relatives who honor, cherish and cheer for each other.  Sleeping in, oh I'm not crazy, I read that other post, Expectations 101, just a couple of mornings of uninterrupted sleep will do.                                             

Uh oh . . . . is this what we are really doing?

Reality:  Traffic, she is on his side, they don't like that song, every 35 minute bathroom breaks.   Carbs, sugar, booze, caffeine, carbs, more carbs. More booze, caffeine, carbs, lethargy, complaining, fat pants.  Begging and pleading and even crying to get them off screens and standing up.  Lice.  Wrinkled shirt, I took that darn PEP class and let them pack, they forgot their khakis and now there is no choice but sweats for Thanksgiving dinner.  Snarky and gossipy relatives who judge the kids, the parenting, the lice, the sweat pants.  Four year old who wakes up at 4:30 am, urgent care, strep throat.

Expectations 101, Read it, learn it, try it, live it.                

*Originally posted in 2014. Still makes me giggle.

The Holidays!

Oh geez Lousie, it's coming . . . .

1. Buy some gift cards TODAY. We KNOW we will have that last minute gift we have to give. Have a stack of easy, peasy goodies ready to go.

2. Buy a few bottles of 'good enough' wine. You don't want to go empty handed, you don't want to have to run out all season and the the wine for the hostess gift. 

3. Create a budget - you'll be glad you did. Sale items can get us into just as much credit card trouble as full price items bought with cash.

4. Start freezing shit. Double your Cincinnati Chili (recipe below!), make cookie dough and freeze it in little balls to be whipped out and bake later.

5. Plan some self-care. An afternoon at a movie YOU want to see, a housekeeper to come before the guests arrive, massage, yoga, sleeping in. Ain't nobody happy if Mama (or Papa) ain't happy.

Pseudo Cincinnati Chili

Cook’s note: For five-way chili, sprinkle raw diced onions on top.

8 ounces thin spaghetti

1 teaspoon vegetable oil

1 pound ground beef (93 percent lean)

1 large onion (for 1 cup chopped)

1 large green bell pepper (for 11/2 cups chopped)

2 small cans (8-ounces each) tomato sauce

2 teaspoons bottled minced garlic

2 teaspoons Worcestershire sauce

1 teaspoon chili powder

1/2 teaspoon ground cumin

1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1/8 teaspoon allspice

1/8 teaspoon ground cloves

cayenne pepper to taste, optional

salt to taste, optional

1 can (15 ounces) red kidney beans

1/4 cup already-shredded sharp cheddar cheese

1. Bring 2 1/2 quarts of unsalted water to a boil in a 4 1/2 -quart Dutch oven or soup pot. When the water reaches a rapid boil, add the spaghetti and cook until tender, 7 to 9 minutes.

2. Meanwhile, heat the oil on high heat just until hot. Using your fingers, crumble the ground beef into the skillet. Immediately wash your hands with anti-bacterial soap and hot water. Peel and coarsely chop the onion, adding it to the skillet as you chop. Stir the meat occasionally. Rinse and seed the bell pepper and cut it into 1/4-inch dice. Add it to the skillet.

3. Cook, stirring frequently, until the ground beef is finely crumbled and completely browned, about 2 minutes. Reduce the heat to medium.

4. Add the tomato sauce, garlic, Worcestershire sauce, chili powder, cumin, cinnamon, allspice and cloves. Stir to mix well. Reduce the heat to simmer, and continue to cook, stirring from time to time, until the pasta is done. Season with cayenne pepper and salt, to taste, if desired. Meanwhile, rinse and drain the beans, and place in a microwave-safe bowl. Cover with a paper towel and microwave 1 minute on high or until heated through.

5. To serve, divide the drained spaghetti among 4 serving bowls. Top each serving with chili, 1/2 cup kidney beans and 1 tablespoon shredded cheese. 

Serve at once. Serves 4

Approximate Values Per Serving: 589 calories (20% from fat), 13 g fat (5 g saturated), 75 mg cholesterol, 42 g protein, 76 g carbohydrates, 11 g dietary fiber, 1,011 mg sodium

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Whoops, Did You Accidentally Wreck the Kids?

You guys . . . do you ever feel like you accidentally wrecked your kids? We all do and PEP's Noted Author's Series is here to give us help, assistance, advice and in the good hands of Alyson Schaefer, plenty of laughs.

Below are the details, and if you want some juicy tidbits of her wisdom, read When Being Too Nice Is Not So Nice. I've been teaching and using the new parenting paradigm Alyson describes in the article with GREAT success!

Parents of Tweens and Teens: The Joys and Fears of the Teen Years

Parenting teens today requires a unique and empathetic parenting approach. Alyson speaks candidly about the joys and challenges that face teens, pre-teens and their parents during the transition to adulthood. Parents will learn brain-based research on teen behavior, interpersonal solutions to teen problems, a refreshing understanding of how great teens can be and a reality check on the real issues for which we need to be prepared.

Thursday night, November 17, 7:30-9pm

Landon School, 6101 Wilson Lane, Bethesda, MD

http://pepparent.org/noted-aut hor-series/

Parents for Kids of All Ages: Moving from Conflict to Cooperation

Whether it is sibling bickering or parent-child power struggles, conflict is a part of family life. Navigating conflict constructively isn’t always intuitive. Fortunately, kids give us endless opportunities to both improve our skills and help them develop their own. Using a four-step approach, you’ll learn: to recognize the difference between conflict and rivalry; how our parenting can stimulate conflict or cooperation; and to manage conflict without feeling bad about it or avoiding it.

Friday morning, November 18: 9:45-11am

Bradley Hills Presbyterian, 6601 Bradley Blvd., Bethesda, MD

http://pepparent.org/noted-aut hor-series/

Tickets are $35. Register today at PEPparent.org or 301- 929-8824.

P.S. If you’re not familiar with PEP, it’s an amazing organization that provides classes, events, and other educational resources to parents and all who care for children, toddlers through teens. Participants of the classes often call it transformational. In the past 30 years, PEP has served more than 35,000 parents in the region, and more than 4,500 parents attend classes and events every year.

How to Communicate! Part Two: I'm Listening!

It's hard WORK to listen . . . . 

This is, by far, is the hardest parenting tool for most people to master, nay, the hardest relationship tool for people to master.  Why? Because guys, we live in our heads, we think our thoughts are reality and we really believe if people did it 'our way' the world would be fruitful and peaceful. Am I right?

We all act according to our beliefs. If people understand our beliefs they would discover that we are the long suffering HEROES of the story. Ya with me? And that's each and everyone of us. UGH!

Listen up, people share things with us only if they feel heard. Meaning, if we don't listen, then people don't share, then we don't understand the motivation behind the behavior, then we get pissed and give a lecture, and then we don't listen, and then they clam up and the behavior continues. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Listening is a relationship builder, not a productivity tool. Meaning it takes time, it shouldn't be a task on our to do list, we should not listen with the goal of being able to talk to change their minds to think the way we do. Here are a few tips . . . . 

1. Listen with an open mind, we don't have to agree, we don't have to approve, we are only listening as a way to show love and support.

2. If you must (and I often must), sit on your hands while your beloved is talking. It will remind you to zip the old lips.

3. When the beloved is done talking we are DONE. We give a hug, we walk away. If we train people that once we've been super duper generous and listened and THEN we've earned the right to lecture, well they ain't gonna come back to share anymore.

4. Notice who the good listeners are in your life. They are usually quiet, they frequently do NOT problem solve, they are patient, they reflect back to you what they have heard, they let you hear your own crazy in a safe place, after they have listened you feel better, clearer and understood.

5. It takes practice. We will make mistakes, we can always start over, sit on our hands and listen.

Listening is really and truly one of the MOST underused parenting tools. When you find yourself in your next parenting pickle, try out listening. Then, tell me what you learned because . . . "I'm Listening!"

If you like this Nifty Tip, please forward to a friend, share on Facebook or Twitter! (see Share button below).

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How to Communicate: Do NOT Talk to Me After 8pm!

Communication is a three pronged event.

1. Giving information
2. Receiving information
3. Taking action (or not) on information given and received

Most of us LOVE to GIVE information and we don't think too much about how it will be received. 

Nifty note left for me on my coffee maker with the forms for me to sign underneath.

I am a morning person. It's genetic. If I e-mail my brother or sister before 6 am, they usually e-mail me right back. I am NOT a night person. 

My children have learned that if they ask for assistance or want permission for something it's more likely to happen if I have a cup of coffee in my hand. I also am more willing to help if it's not a verbal 'demand'. I respond better to a written 'request'.   

After some trial and error, the kids have gotten into the habit communicating with me through the coffee maker. Permission slips, their phones to be charged (what happens to everyone's chargers, do they take up with the unmatched sock from the wash?), a note for laundry to be tossed into the dryer. Let's see how this works in our 3 Steps.

1. Give Information - Teens remember stuff at night, they can give their information best when they can remember it!
2. Receive information - I can receive information when I am fresh, not tired, have coffee in hand. I also am better with written down words - verbal requests get interpreted in my brain as demands.
3. Take action on information (or not) - I am MORE likely to take action on the information if it's all right there in front of me and no one is running late or going to to miss the bus.

Genius!

Where might we be giving information to our beloveds (children, spouse, family of origin) in a way it is UNLIKELY to be received, common culprits . . . 

1. Texting when our Mom responds better to call.
2. Verbally demanding chores be done on OUR time frame, rather then texting a request to our teen with the caveat, 'Please do before bed!'
3. Giving negative feedback in 'public' (this includes siblings and co-parents), people have a hard time receiving any thing that has even a whiff of criticism on it, ESPECIALLY in front of others.
4. Giving unsolicited advice (even if it's super duper helpful and wise).
5. Thinking they should know what we are thinking/feeling because we expressed it ONCE.
6. Talking to them when it's NOT their time of day. (I LOVE to give information in the morning, teens not so receptive until evening falls.)
7. Listening - the MOST important part of communication . . . . LISTENING!  

. . . I FEEL ANOTHER BLOG COMING ON  . . . . How to Communicate! Part Two: I'm Listening!

If you like this Nifty Tip, please forward to a friend, share on Facebook or Twitter! (see Share button below).

Follow me on Twitter: @BalancingAct_DC, https://twitter.com/BalancingAct_DC

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Organizing 102: Solving the RIGHT Problem

You can label every durn thing in this room and STILL couldn't keep it tidy!

Down in the basement playroom, surround by all the usual suspects - legos, board games, dress-up clothes, Playmobile, stuffed animals, school uniforms, lots of dirty socks, educational readers, books-galore, American Girl dolls and super heroes, we were sorting and pitching and chatting. This was about the 3rd time we had been in the playroom to work and my lovely client looked at me and said, "I just can't keep it organized." 

I am very protective of my clients, so my mind rushed to defend her and then I had this incredible A-HAH moment and I said, enthusiastically, "You do NOT have an organizational problem, you have a VOLUME problem." And it came to me that all the bins the world, all the hand made labels, all the tidying up schedules, all the encouraging talks to the children - none of it, NONE. OF. IT would FIX the problem that was simply, non-judgmentally, very commonly. . . TOO MUCH STUFF. We can't solve TOO MUCH STUFF with bins, labels, encouraging talks and tidying schedules. We must solve the volume problem with TURNING DOWN THE VOLUME!

A lot of 'organizing' problems are volume problems in disguise. 

Problem: Always late

Turn down the volume: Unstuff your calendar. Put margin in your day. If you need a refresher - read Margins, Buffers & White Space.

Problem: Kid won't clean up their room

Turn down the volume: Seriously, if you do one thing, do THIS. Get the CRAP OUT OF YOUR KIDS ROOM (I am indeed talking to you in a stern-ish voice). Alternately, if you don't want to do this, please STOP asking your kids to clean their rooms. (For more tips, read THIS Nifty Tips series.)

PROBLEM: Procrastination

Turn down the volume: Make the task smaller, teeny tiny, I'm not joking, shuffle forward 1/2 of a baby step. Our brain will shut down if the task is too big. We need to sneak past our brain in tiny, soft, quiet baby steps. Need to fill out of the FAFSA, (I feel you parents of high school seniors), or do your taxes, or submit insurance claims? All too scary. Break the sucker down in TEN MINUTE increments. Turn down the volume on your expectations on the task you are procrastinating on, then you can sneak past your scaredy cat brain, one teeny tiny step at at time.

If you like this Nifty Tip, please forward to a friend, share on Facebook or Twitter! (see Share button below).

Follow me on Twitter: @BalancingAct_DC, https://twitter.com/BalancingAct_DC

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Worry About Yourself

Originally published in the October 2016 Glover Park Gazette

I hate to break it to you, I have another irritating (AND supremely effective) parenting tip for you guys. Last month it was the profoundly un-sexy tip of de-cluttering. I humbly give you this tip not as ‘know it all’, but as a complete butt-insky and all around general nag. I give you this advice with sadness in my heart that we can’t actually control, change, even tweak other people. Even if it would be really, really good for them. Even if all our ‘research’ proves us right. Even if we love them more then life itself.

Watch  “Worry About Yourself” and you will see the most profound 47 seconds of human behavior. I’ll wait. . . .

Here’s what I learned from this video,  (I wanted, really wanted, to write, “Here’s what WE learned from this video.” BUT that would be so wrong because this whole article is about Worrying about Myself – see, I can’t even do that for three paragraphs) people engaged in their own lives don’t want any tips (‘Nifty’ as they may be). Kids know what they need to do and they know what you need to do ("Drive the car!"). Let’s be honest, it’s more relaxing to sit and ‘help’ or ‘advise’ others then it is to go about living our own big lives. Nothing scary about giving a lecture about procrastination to our beloved child. More scary to stop procrastinating and look for a new job for ourselves.

Now, don’t throw the baby out with the bath water, people. ‘Worry About Yourself” doesn’t give you license to ignore everyone else, or leave your family high and dry. It means if your kids aren’t asking for help/advice - worry about yourself. Clean your closet, pay your bills, pitch your text books from college, tidy up your workspace, make those vacation plans, check on your 401k. (Oh my gosh, I’m making myself so nervous I might just have to go lecture one of my kids about study habits!)

Add “Worry About Yourself” to your parenting arsenal. Go show that video to your kids, it’s hilarious. (Pssst, this tip is handy for EVERYONE, parent, not a parent, a parent of grown kids, a kid of a parent.)

Freedom + Order

“We must get used to the idea that in a democratic atmosphere freedom and order are inseparable.”       Rudolf Dreikurs

Imagine the lattice is 'order' and the vines and flowers are 'freedom' - we need BOTH!

Sometimes we (and our kids) think freedom is a right, not a responsibility. Freedom without order for us parents is chaos.  Freedom without order for our kids is crippling. Freedom without order isn't loving, nice, self-esteem building or life enhancing.

When we rescue kids from their neglect of order we are robbing them of understanding, really feeling, absorbing, and GETTING that freedom can't exist without each and everyone of us pulling our own weight. Here's a list of common places we rescue our children from their own dis-order and slow their learning process. 

Drive them to the bus when they wake up late.

Wake them up when they don't get up to their alarm.

Give them only food we know they will eat, and nothing else.

Make excuses or lie for them when they  forget to turn in an assignment.

Pay for everything for them with our money.

Walk on eggshells so they don't get upset.

Have all of us done all of these things?  YES! I do declare, YES! AAAAaannnnnndddddddd, we can do better. We gotta let them experience the consequences of disorder. It might hurt, they might be upset. Worse, they might NOT be upset. . . . at first. 

Freedom only feels good when there is order girding it up, supporting it, letting it grow beautifully on it's lattice - but not all willy nilly over someone else's lattice. And order only feels good when freedom surrounds it, gives it air to breath, dances around it with joy and inspiration.

It's a Balancing Act (see what I did there?). Some of us feel safer with order, some of us crave freedom. We will almost ALWAYS be off track - isn't that relieving?  The joy, the magic, the 'secret' is learning to course correct. If I sway towards 'orderly' then I gotta let the plants grow with more freedom. If I veer in the direction of  'freedom' I gotta go back and shore up my lattice. 

I leave you with one final quote from the author of "Man's Search for Meaning"

Freedom, however, is not the last word. Freedom is only part of the story and half of the truth. Freedom is but the negative aspect of the whole phenomenon whose positive aspect is responsibleness. In fact, freedom is in danger of degenerating into mere arbitrariness unless it is lived in terms of responsibleness. That is why I recommend that the Statue of Liberty on the East Coast be supplemented by a Statue of Responsibility on the West Coast.

- Viktor Frankl

I Just Want to Raise a Happy Kid

"I just want to raise a HAPPY kid!"

I hear this a lot from parents. I think this a lot, about my own kids. Can I be honest? It's starting to annoy me!

You know why? We are so focused on happy & successful that we completely forget about all the handy, wonderful and sublime actions, feelings and thoughts we could encourage our kids to explore, practice and try. Think about it people, what really and truly gets us through life? 

Tolerating S**t: Let's be honest, ya gotta just tolerate those tantrums when kids are four, the eye roll when kids are teens, the heat and humidity, the political shenanigans, the irritating thing your spouse does/doesn't do, and has/hasn't done from the MOMENT you met  them. Let's teach kids how to tolerate s**t, shall we?

Endure: Tell me who has NOT endured a crappy parent, a shaming teacher, a boring class, a bitchy friend, a controlling boyfriend/girlfriend. Didn't we all LEARN, LEARN, LEARN from these crappy, shaming, boring, bitchy and controlling experiences? Life can be crappy, shaming, boring, bitchy and slap us in the face for longer then we like. What can we do? Endure. (We don't necessarily have to suffer while we endure. It's up to us what kind of climate we create around enduring. It can be a cozy and life affirming enduring, or a stingy, whiney and complaining enduring - we get to choose.) Endurance, try it, learn it, live it.

Be Willing/Unwilling: THIS is one of the most powerful phrases I learned from PEP (Parent Encouragement Program).  If I'm willing to do something, I don't have to be in love with it, or be sure it is perfect, or be committed to doing it forever. Let's try it in a few sentences. . . 

I am willing to let you have your phone after school until dinner for this week. (I don't love this, it's not my ideal, AND I'm willing to give it a try. . .  for a week!).  

I am unwilling to let you have your phone after school. I will be willing to review this phone policy once the afternoon routine has been successful for a few weeks. Remind me after Halloween, and we can discuss.

Sweetie, are you willing to help me unload the groceries and then I can get out the messy paints for you while I prep dinner?

Tolerate, endure, be willing/unwilling - Takes the pressure off. Being happy & successful can be stressful and demanding - let's not ask so much of our kids, or ourselves!