Underused Parenting Tool: THe PreFrontal Cortex

Pre Frontal Cortex - Your Resident CEO

It's pretty common knowledge that our brains are not fully wired until our mid to late 20's. The area of the brain last to develop is the prefrontal cortex, the CEO's of our brain.  Here's a partial list of the things it can do:

• differentiate among conflicting thoughts

• determine future consequences of current activities

• predict outcomes

• modulate strong emotions

Any of us over the age of 25 have a fully working CEO up there, somewhere, in our heads. Most of our kids are under 25, and therefore do NOT have a fully functional, or reliable CEO up there in their brains. Finally a tool we have that they don't!

Let's meet briefly with a CEO and hear what they have to say :  

WITH YOUR KIDS: Hi, this is your CEO. I saw again that your four-year-old lost it at the grocery store after after-care. May I remind you, gently and with compassion, your four-year-old will soon turn five and then might be able to tolerate the grocery store after after-care. But for now, just do your shopping on the weekends. If you absolutely need that quart of milk, please, please, don't freak out over your four year old predictably freaking out.

WITH ANOTHER ADULT: Last Saturday your spouse was late (again) to the soccer game. I know you have a lot of terrific time management techniques that would be super helpful for them. However, people (spouses, partners, babysitters, parents, friends, anyone) cannot receive your excellent advice and superior life strategies right after they have made a mistake, or if you are angry. I'm here to help you modulate your strong emotions and wait until some time has passed. When you have some privacy, and everyone is calm you can more effectively tackle the 'often late' problem. Otherwise, as CEO, I predict you might have the same fight over and over.

WITH YOURSELF: Finally, feel free to call on me each and every morning to help you, determine future consequences of current activities and/or differentiate among conflicting thoughts. It's ok if you want to hit the snooze button. I know it's dark in the morning and you totally deserve that extra 10 minutes of shut eye. However, if you check in with me, I will remind you that the morning ride might be bumpy. I will tell you, ever so gently, that the current feeling of snuggly happiness might not be worth a yelling and rushing morning before your big meeting today.  

Our CEO's are here for us when we remember to engage with them. So take a second, go to the bathroom, have a quick board meeting with your prefrontal cortex. When it’s engaged we can usually solve problems more effectively and productively.

Clearing the Way . . .

When I started helping clients get organized (way back in 1998), and when I started leading parenting classes (in 2006,) never did I think these two things were connected. I organized so I could stay home with the kids and to be honest, I still get a thrill from cleaning out a kitchen drawer.  Don't judge me until you try it. Every time you open that kitchen drawer (for a few months at least), your heart sings like an angel.  

I started leading parenting classes because I discovered that while I was in parenting classes I was a firmer and friendlier parent (not too strict, not too wishy washy). I remembered to train children. I took the time to listen to them. Sometimes I stopped myself from trying to teach in the heat of an angry moment (no one can learn when they are angry or being attacked). And just like the participants I went understanding that I didn’t have to be perfect. I just had to show up, try, laugh and encourage.

When I wanted the house neater, instead of demanding, convincing or nagging, I worked on the relationship. I listened more. I took the time to watch favorite YouTube videos. I noticed their contributions and let them know I appreciated them. When I felt the relationship straining, I decluttered my desk, or their cubby, our calendar and often times a surge of positive feelings flowed through the newly opened and de-cluttered space. Magic!

5 Global Tips for Time Management

I have five GLOBAL TIPS to use in any organizing or parenting dilemma, problem or situation. They work for your closet, your calendar, your junk drawer. Today I'm using them for Time Management.

Be Realistic:  The time you have is the time you have. Your current reality may be that you can cook a home made dinner only a couple times a week. You can't add more hours to the day so ease up and avoid adding unrealistic expectations to an already stressed out week.

Start with Yourself:  Get yourself up a 1/2 hour earlier, get your clothes laid out, get your bag packed the night before, charge your phone. AFTER you get this to be a habit, start helping everyone else.

If it Ain't Broke, Don't Fix it:  Don't take any advice if things are working. For example, if you get up after your kids and each morning works, and you aren't late, and you don't yell at anyone . . . bada boo, bada bing, you are done. Don't fix what ain't broke.

Less is More:  Really, in every area of our life these days, less is more. Less activities, less rushing.  Add in white space, give yourself wiggle room . . . it feels so good!

Start with Today:  Start with today. Don't worry about yesterday, and don't think there is some tomorrow where you can get everything done on your list. Just for today think about the fact that there is always traffic on the beltway, your four-year-old can't handle errands after day care, you need your yoga class to be a better parent.

Too Much of a Good Thing

"Don't make your brief too long, dearest.  The court will appreciate it much more if they don't grow weary over reading it.  Many a good thing is spoiled by there being too much of it.” — Nelly Taft, First Lady of the United States

Some of you know that President Taft liked too much of a quite a few things. Nelly has a good point for all of us to consider, many a good thing IS spoiled by there being too much of it. Here are a few things I run across in organizing and parenting. Any of them resonate with you?

1.  Choices: Choices are a wonderful parenting tool, but in my experience it can be overused and they certainly can’t solve all our problems. Choices don't make children behave, or stop them from having strong emotions or a melt down. Ease up on the choices you give your kids. Maybe even ease up on the choices you give yourselves. You will reduce decision fatigue and open yourself up to more solutions to your parenting problems.

2.  Ideas:  Generating new and fabulous ideas can be draining and lead us down too many paths. Then we can never get to where we actually want to go. Some ideas are better thrown back in the lake than added to an already full barrel of fish.

3.  Caffeine: Tragically, we can have too much coffee (or tea, or diet coke, or chocolate).

4.  Books:  Ugh . . . this is such a hard one for people.  You can have too many books.  Whatever doesn't fit on our bookshelves (and I mean lined up neatly, not jammed in willy nilly) are too many books. The holding on to the book does not make us smarter, wiser or more accomplished. (I know you are outraged, but just let it sink in, we can talk more about books later.)  

5.  Social Engagements:  Too much can really be too much. Do we have white space in our schedule?  Is their time for magical, unplanned moments to occur? Do we wear down our relationships by rushing, nagging and making people do things they don't necessarily want to do? Experiment with some unscheduled time, or more time between things. When we are not in rush we might just talk nicer, our backs could feel better and we might enjoy our kids more.  It’s worth a try!

Expectations 101

Don’t you always feel like the beginning of September is a “New Years Resolution” time?  I’m totally not going to nag, I will plan and make dinner 5 out of 7 nights, I will introduce new veggies. I vow to change bed time, and I double pinkie promise to never yell at my 4 year old, ever again, about baths. I took that parenting class so I got this whole thing covered. My son will study French every day for 20 minutes. I will remind him once, and I will not repeat that reminder. I will deliver said reminder in a friendly and encouraging tone.  This will most definitely work. My son will study French because of my superior and evolved communication skills. Ca c’est tres bon! I WILL go to bed every night at a reasonable hour.

Now it’s October, we’ve had four weeks or so of a fresh start, how’s it going? Did you meet with some success?  Even though you got a new parenting map, do you find yourself back in the forest of nagging and yelling?   

If you are like me, your intentions are awesome, but implementation is a bit trickier. I want to share a cool Adlerian concept: we have our expectations (the way life should be) and we have our reality (the way life is) and all our anxiety and negativity and angst lives right in the space between. The way to lessen our anxiety and angst is to nudge each section a teensy weeny bit closer together. We lower our expectations: bedtime with four year olds are bumpy and annoying. I will plan to be out of the house one night a week and let my partner take one night off a week. Then we raise our reality: I will start bedtime ½ hour earlier. I will be consistent with the timing. I will strategize with my partner to ensure we deliver the same firm and friendly bedtime message. 

Expectations are nudged a bit to the left and reality is scooted a teeny bit to the right.  Then you minimize (not eliminate) the amount of anxiety and angst you have over any issue that is hard and challenging.  Remember, the name of the game is progress not perfection.

The MOST exciting Nifty Tip . . . Possibly. . . EVER!

Are you reading?  Do I have your attention?  Ok guys, I lied. A giant obstacle to organized living is that we tend to avoid  any task that smells like a low priority, boring or beneath us.  Things like, oh . . . . making the bed, training children how to do a task, filing paperwork, purging toys, cleaning out basements, deleting our e-mails.  I get it, I understand and you know what, we CAN DO BORING THINGS.  Here's a quick list of boring things to do this week that will make our tomorrows better and possible exciting. 

1.  Organize your current year taxes to date. Make a file. Get charities in order. Update your Quicken (or quick books). Gather receipts.  20 minutes today will make the next April 15th a breeze. Your future self will thank me.

2.  Create a holiday list - hand write or fancy spreadsheet, no matter. Think about gifts, budgets, travel plans, house improvements to make before the in laws come, decorations, etc. 30 minutes now will make the next holiday season less excruciating.  No matter whether it’s February or November, getting planning gives you peace.

3.  Run into Chipotle, Starbucks and other various stores and stock up on gift cards. That way you will have a bunch at the ready for whoever you don't want to forget! Giving to others gives us so much. It doesn’t have to be complicated or perfect to be meaningful.

4.  This is sad, and needs to be said, buy condolence cards and keep them at hand. When something sad happens you want to be able to send a quick hug in the mail without procrastinating. Our good wishes mean a lot to those we love who are in pain, they will be comforted.

5.  Take a walk. Walking is boring and walking gets the exercise job done. Research shows that it only takes 11 minutes to impact your longevity. Plus it re-boots your brain and increases patience.

Boring things planted today grow into better things tomorrow.

Recipe for Taco Night

Over a decade ago, when I had, let's say a 7 year old and a 5 year old, my husband looked at me and said, "I don't want Friday night dinners to be stressful.  Can we just have things we KNOW the kids like?"  Voila!  . . . .  Taco Night was born and you know what? It WORKED and I loved it. Presently, Tacos Nights are a thing of the past, replaced by Chipotle night (teens only, no adults necessary), soccer games, and school dances. As I was sitting alone on my deck one recent Friday night, drinking a beer, I thought wistfully back to the recipe that was Taco Night.  Shall we review?

1. Begin with a brimming cup of tradition and consistency. Kids love to know what to expect and thrive on rhythm and routine.

2.  Add friends and maybe mix in a fun relative, not every time, but guests can help keep the meal fresh. 

3.  Plop a cup of carrots in the food processor (not the shredding attachment, the regular one) and once you add in the taco spices, and maybe a can of black beans to the skillet . . . .bada boo, bada bing, a full meal; veggies, fiber, protein and all in one crunchy Stand & Stuff taco shell.

4.  Take out the beans (at constant request of a certain youngest child).

5.  Fold in a sleepover (I love children marching up from sleepovers in our basement. If you are super quiet and don't make eye contact while you stir the pancake batter the next morning, you learn a lot!).

6.  Add a pinch of table topics www.tabletopics.com. Don't over use.

7.  Dice up the chores, but dice imperfectly. Kids love to set the table if you give them the supplies and then look away and shut your mouth. Who cares if it's perfectly neat? So what if all the silverware is in the center of the table?  Salad plates, why not?

8.  Marinate for a decade and look back with misty eyes on the beauty and mystery of kids and tacos and tradition.

We Can't Get to the North Star, PEOPLE!

Woodrow Wilson

Because, although you steer by the North Star, when you have lost the bearings of your compass, you nevertheless must steer in a pathway on the sea, -- you are not bound for the North Star.  

Woodrow Wilson

Here's the the thing, in both parenting and organizing, no matter how hard we try, we are never getting to the North Star. Our idea of a perfect family will help steer us and motivate us, but let's not let it defeat us when we can't actually find our way there. The trouble with aiming for the North Star is we get confused and frustrated when we find ourselves still on the open and choppy sea of family life. The truth is, people living with people is a messy operation and we will never figure it all out. Take a minute to lay on your deck chair and gaze up and see the perfectly nutritious family meals seven days a week, the two polite, neat and respectful children, the on time and grateful spouse and see your own self, calm and serene.  Feel your shoulders relax and sigh and smile.

 Then get up and steer your big old noisy, boisterous and unpredictable boat the best you can!

Loving Limits

Sometimes I fear that when parents learn about 'democratic' parenting they hear, 'be nice' and forget about the rest. This quote by Teddy Roosevelt from a letter written to his son, Kermit, sums up so beautifully how people we love the most can be helped and nourished by firm and kind limits.

“Greatly tho I loved Mother I was at times thoughtless and selfish, and if Mother had been a mere unhealthy Patient Griselda, I might have grown set in selfish and inconsiderate ways. Mother, always tender, gentle and considerate, and always loving, yet when necessary pointed out where I was thoughtless and therefore inconsiderate and selfish, instead of submitting to it. Had she not done this it would in the end have made her life very much harder, and mine very much less happy.”

— The Last Romantic, H.W. Brands

Kids Rooms: 15 Minutes, Doors are Awesome and a Bonus

Being both an organizer and parent educator, I get lots of questions about kids rooms.  Here are my thoughts.

1.  Do not spend too much time angsting about them or decorating them.  Every few years what they love, are passionate about and ABSOLUTELY can't live without changes. Ditch the matching wallpaper and thematic rugs, give the room some good bones - a sturdy bed, ample book cases and plenty of empty and open spaces.

2.  Focus on having only as many objects as a kid can pick up in 15 minutes.  (What?). Yes, it's our job as leaders in our families to edit our kids rooms down to 15 minutes to picked up.

3.   Doors on cabinets and cupboards can help a room get ship shape in 15 minutes, without having to be perfect.  

See how beautiful this looks, a sleek bedroom cabinet!

And look, I live in the world of reality, kids can be kids!  Win & Win.

4.  The bonus tip is to decide that only a few things live in the kids room. Books, stuffed animals and sleeping accoutrement are my personal favorites. It isn't that legos, and board games, and crafts don't creep in, it's that when it's time to clean up it's very easy to spot and evict the squatters!

Please, no chairs in the bedroom . . .

Really easy organizing tip, no chairs in the bedroom (unless you sit on it every day to do something other then put your shoes on).  I could blather on for paragraphs about how chairs become like the first broken window in the neighborhood and then the neighborhood goes down the tubes and blah, blah, blah . . . . But these photos say it all.

You throw one random sweater on a chair, turn your back and it multiplies. . . . 

Hah . .  a chair made of clothes!

Underused Parenting Tool #23: Have FUN Yourself.

Sometimes we parents focus on maybe one or two tools in the vast array of options in the parenting tool box. I am beginning  a semi-regular series of posts highlighting some awesome tools we often overlook, neglect or just plain didn't know were there. They are in no particular order, so I will assign random numbers to them, just for fun.

Have FUN yourself.  We underestimate the good that comes from simply having old fashioned fun ourselves. We focus on improving our kids or improving ourselves, and sometimes, in a pinch, improving our spouse or partner. Instead, go out and have fun yourself. Make your own life bigger, learn something new, go somewhere different, try a new food a new drink a new sport.  

A good friend of mine started this blog to make this underused parenting tool easier for you to find!  Peruse, enjoy, get inspired and HAVE FUN!

http://www.angelinamlopez.com/in-between-in-dc/

School's out for Summer!

Well, it feels so good, for about 2-3 weeks. And then . . . . "Well, what should we do? Hey, turn off that tv. You there, fork over that phone.  WHAT, where did you get my i pad?"  

Are we all there yet?  Has it been 2-3 weeks of vacation?  Does it feel like school will be out FOREVER?! What to do, what to do?  TRAINING!  Train your kids in one chore, (ONE, you over achievers out there, this is NOT AP Summer Vacation).  Ask your child which delectable chore or task they'd be interested in learning to do.  Here are some ideas to get you both thinking.

4-5 Years Old:  Set table, make sandwich, clean the bathroom (you never know, my old friend Belinda used to love to clean the toilet, I kid you not).

6-7 Years Old:  Peel and cut veggies for dinner, carry in groceries AND put away, feed and walk the dog.

8-9 Years Old:  Wash (and dry, and fold) their own clothes, prepare a family meal, wash the car (clean out the inside too!).

10 - 11 Years Old:  Run an errand, process incoming mail, clean out and re-organize front closet or kitchen pantry.

12 - 14 Years Old: Research destination on family vacation, learn how to pump gas, de-clutter their rooms, clean out garage (totally - multi day task in sorting, tidying, cleaning, purging, labeling, editing).

 Summer is wonderful time to slow down and train kids. Imagine the time you’ll save when the school year starts again and you find yourself living with a new table setter, laundry folder or garage organizer.

Even Honest Abe Took Awhile . . . .

For some reason, in my middle age, I've grown curious about the US Presidents, and often read their biographies. I read with a highlighter in hand to capture quotes I love. Here’s one I love!

“I am slow to learn and slow to forget that which I have learned.  My mind is like a piece of steel, very hard to scratch any thing on it and almost impossible after you get it there to rub it out.” —Abraham Lincoln

I subscribe to the idea that you teach what you need to learn. In both parenting and organizing I teach and train so I can remember and learn. Sometimes I feel bad about myself, like I'm a big old fraud with my nagging ways and messy desk, but then I read this quote and think . . . I just need more review, like Old Honest Abe.  

PBS NewsHour Snippet

PBS NewsHour is featuring pieces on parenting all week in a run up to Mother's Day.  This clip is about the book "All Joy and No Fun" has an intro featuring a PEP class I am leading.  Enjoy and watch all week!

http://www.pbs.org/newshour/videos/#101871