Stuff You Didn't Know Your Kids Could Do!

It's TRUE! They can do more than you think!

FORMS: Kids 11 and up can start filling out their own medical/school/camp forms. It's true. We have to go over, edit and correct them, but they certainly can fill out their names, know their address, find out what an insurance card is and copy it. Give them time, don't rush them, don't criticize, maybe have them use pencil and bada boo, bada bing you will have an 18 year old that knows what the heck to do when they go to the health clinic themselves.

MAKE TRAVEL PLANS: Clicking is for everyone! The sooner they are comfortable online checking out deals, dates, scenarios, layovers, the sooner they will be ready to make and execute their own exciting lives. Start with letting your kiddo check in to this summers flight. Have them peruse different tourist sites and pick one, entrust them with getting tickets for that sunset sailboat ride.

PREP DINNER: I have found that the meal delivery system, like Blue Apron, is a great way to get a reluctant teen in the kitchen. It provides all the instruction so us parents can walk the dog while they prep the meal. Some families are so inspired that they ditch the Blue Apron after a while and they have a bona fide teen cook on their hands.

What else guys? What do your kids do that surprised or delighted you? Share the stories and inspiration, summer is such a great time to try new things!

Ready, Set, Summer! (Part 2 of 2)

Click here for Ready, Set, Summer (Part 1) ...

Chores: Holy moly begoly, kids can do a lot around the house. They would probably do a lot more if we just chilled out. As in, stop criticizing, micro-managing, doing things over, demanding they care as much as we do. If we thank them for the effort, provide lots of freedom on how to do the new responsibility and just basically all around ZIP OUR LIPS we might be surprised. Now, I’m not saying if you don’t criticize, micro-manage, do things over or demand that they care that you will find yourself living with your very own Alice from the Brady Bunch. I’m just saying that if you don’t criticize, micro-manage, do things over, or demand they care you might just find that people are willing to help carry in the groceries, or prep the salad, or walk the dog, or call the orthodontist, or run to the post office, or check in for that flight (YES! They can do stuff other than trash and recycling).

Waking up: Kids 6 and over can wake up to an alarm clock. Do not fall for the “I need my phone for an alarm clock.” Let them practice waking up on time when you are not super upset if they are late. We all have a different way of handling waking up. Some of us pop right up and rip the band aid off. Others love the twilight luxury of snoozing and laying ½ awake and ½ asleep (my husband calls this – ‘planning my day’). Each person needs to know who they are as they become more and more responsible for themselves. One of my kids has learned he’s a professional ‘snoozer’ so he sets multiple alarms to set himself up for success on important days. All of us learn more from our own experience than from lectures and warnings from someone else, no matter how well meaning!

Self-Care: As important as AP classes and enrichment activities are, knowing how to take care of our self and conjuring up the self-motivation to take care of our self is a skill. It can be learned, practiced, improved and mastered. There is an epidemic of kids who don’t know how to do their own laundry, can’t call an adult on the phone, or think it’s a beneath them to tidy up their own rooms. Summer is a great time to pass on some of these responsibilities to our kids. NOW, we want to PASS ON the responsibility and not heave ho in a fit of anger and judgment the responsibility. Let's see it in action . . . 

Say This:

Jimmy, I’ve been so disrespectful micro-managing your life. I’m sorry. I’d be willing to show you how the laundry machine works on Saturday before your soccer game, it should take no more than 10 minutes, does that work for you? (If it doesn’t, find another mutually agreed upon time and then FOLLOW-THROUGH). I am un-willing to keep nagging you about putting your stuff into the bin, so after you are trained I will happily continue doing all the laundry on Mondays that is in the bin, sound ok to you?

Don’t Say:

Listen Buster, you are 13 and don’t do anything around the house. The LEAST you could do is your own laundry, capice? (Then nag, remind, cajole and ask if the laundry is done, WHEN it is undone lecture on their laziness and disrespect. After you are good and tired of that, do their laundry. Lather, rinse, repeat.)

Ready, Set, Summer! (Part 1 of 2)

It won't be long now . . . .

If we have kids at home we know, remember, can anticipate the joys and sorrows of summer. Luck favors the prepared.

Devices: Think, where do they live (tip: in public spaces, not in bedrooms, this goes for us too!). Think time boundaries (off by 9, devices live in our bedrooms at night, cuts down on the inevitable sneaking). Strict on boundaries Sunday night – Thursday. Chill and relaxed Friday – Sunday evening. More responsibility given and accepted by the child (chores, homework, cooperation) equals more freedom (time and privacy) around the device. This works the other way too, child stops being responsible, device freedoms diminish.

Clothes: Statistically, we all wear 20% of what we own. We bitch about the other 80% that’s on the floor, not put away, un-washed, laying in a puddle NEXT TO the laundry bin. Delete, donate, pass on. Danger zones to watch out for in the clothes department: it was expensive, someone we love gave us an item we don’t love, it used to fit us, I love it FOR them (meaning, I want them to wear it, they don not). Donating Danger Zone:  thinking we have to donate to exactly the right person, in the exact right way, at the exact right time. Need more inspiration to delete, donate and pass on? I got you! Children (and their parents) are more LIKELY to put away clothes in drawers/closets that are 2/3rds full and not jam packed. If you have a child who hangs things on hangers without being reminded, nagged or cajoled, please call me. I would like to meet them.

Enrichment: Most of our children would like us to love and admire them and NOT to teach and enrich them. I get it, I bought those Summer Bridge books too, if they work, keep doing it. If it’s a relationship drainer, let it go and read a fun book aloud or doodle, or bake. Again, parents are for love and support. Let’s resist the urge to constantly improve and instruct.

Schedule: Ditch the magical thinking that summer affords ample time for you to be the new you YOU were always meant to be. Patient, organized, loving, soft-spoken, on time, in control. We are still just us, even when the daylight has been saved. That said, summer is a great time for training kids/ourselves to meet some new challenges in the next school year. (“OMG, why is Paige talking about September ALREADY?!”)

Part 2 next week will examine this awesome opportunity summer affords for TRAINI

We are Not Alone!

We all could use a little help from our friends, even Bentley!

Recently I had an email exchange with a parent. I gave her a bunch of thoughts, resources, ideas and inspirations. I closed out the email with, "You are not alone." Of all the thoughts, resources, ideas and inspirations, the ONE that she needed was, "You are not alone." Sometimes this parenting thing can make us feel all alone and isolated, ESPECIALLY when we have problems. Here are a few thoughts, resources, ideas and inspirations to help us remember we are not alone.

Parent Encouragement Program (PEP): PEP has educated thousands of area parents through multi-week classes, short workshops, time efficient bootcamps and now, a stable of online classes you can watch live, or purchase for later. I took my first PEP class in 2004 and became a leader in 2006. The information, the resources, the ideas have influenced every area of my life. I learned, we don’t have to have all the answers, we don’t have to be ashamed of our parenting problems (we all have them, they can’t be avoided, they are part of the journey). We don’t have to figure it out in private. Going to a class, sitting with other smart and educated folks discouraged in the parenting trenches, can open the door to new idea, new horizons and frankly, lighten your load. When we are less stressed we magically become more effective parents with a bigger capacity for compassion, humor and joy. www.pepparent.org.

The Self-Driven Child, Stixrud & Johnson: Hands down, this is one of the best parenting books I’ve read recently. Motivating, clear, compassionate. It’s filled with research, anecdotes, personal stories, inspiring ideas and practical ‘to-do’s. They discuss sleep, homework, and devices, to name a few topics of interest. You will see a path to supporting without enabling, or letting-go without abandoning. If you have tweens buy it NOW. I wish I had had this resource 5 years ago.

Meditation: Our most powerful parenting tool is our fully developed pre-frontal cortex. Remember, it finishes wiring when we are 25ish. That means we have one, our kids don’t. Our pre-frontal cortex does amazing things like: plans ahead, modulates strong emotions, can predict outcomes based on past experiences. To keep this incredible and underused parenting tool in good shape we must clean it out regularly. Hence, meditation as a parenting tool. It’s hard to do it alone. I use the Headspace app, I’ve heard good things about the app Calm. If you can get your kids to do it with you, even better!

Outside: Whatever your druthers, the park, the bike trail, the pool. Getting out is one of the very, very best parenting tools. When my kids were little I was always a better version of myself at the neighborhood park. We don’t have to ‘shush’ kids when they are outside. We run into like-minded friends who make us laugh and remind us what a giant cosmic joke of a whack-a-mole game parenting is. Nature naturally decreases stress, anxiety and depression. Kids come home tired and worn out and ready for bed (hopefully!)

Remember, we are not alone!

Right Sizing

My favorite dessert at Pizzeria Locale in Boulder, CO. (photo by RBilski)

This amazing, beautiful and delicious dessert is a symbol for me in RIGHT SIZING. You see, I order this dessert and usually share with someone at the table. We enjoy this decadent creation, every last bite. Do we feel 100% satisfied and satiated? We don't, we could totally devour another one. But in the wise words of my house mother when I lived in Luxembourg, "Paige, always leave the party when you are still having fun."  What does that have to do with parenting? I'm so glad you asked!

1. Stuff - Yes, we can jam 20 more books on that bookshelf in their room, but does it really make them a better reader? Yes, they are amazing artists, but does keeping every scrap of everything really honor them or you if it's cluttering the kitchen, their room, your room? I understand they LOVE their stuffed animals, but do they enjoy and take care of their stuffed animals?

2. Nice - Yes, we want our kids to be happy, but if we buy something for them every time we go to the toy store have they learned anything about delayed gratification, or the paradoxical pleasure of hard work and buying it themselves? Yes, they are tired, that's why they are acting like jerks, but if we ignore the mis-behavior and make excuses for them, have they practiced managing strong emotions (and I know for sure us adults continue to have PLENTY of strong emotions).

3. Strict - Yes, we want our kids to know boundaries and respect our authority, but have we overlooked that we might be able to trust them? Have we considered who will nag, cajole, motivate them when we are not around? How can they listen to the voices in their ownhead if we are always drowning it out with our corrections, good ideas and nifty tips? 

4. Attention - Yes, we want our kids to know we love and appreciate and care for them, but if they are our full time projects who is going to live our lives? Us middle-age folks still have some developing, growing and learning to do. The white hot spotlight of parental attention can be tiring and a burden to our children, let's make sure we share the joy and burden of our attention.

Where in our lives can we right size our stuff, our parenting style, our attention? Where can we enjoy every last morsel of deliciousness without over indulging? 

Taming the Overwhelm, part 2 of 2

*Originally published in the April 2018 Glover Park Gazette

(If you missed part 1 you can find it here)

If we want tame the overwhelm, who do WE need to be? We can’t wait around for everyone else to change first.

Listen: Scramble the letters and what do you get? SILENT. To listen we must not talk, nor may we think about talking. Our kids act, behave and do what they do because of what they think and believe. The most efficient way to know what they think and believe, and to modify what they think and believe, is to listen to what they have to say.

Refrains from commenting: Letting it go, avoiding mini-lectures (even if they are really super duper amazing!). If their shirt doesn’t match their pants, if they spill some Doritos when they are filling their baggie for lunch, when their hair is not your favorite, when they got a B on a test. You guys – lighten your load – every moment doesn’t have to be teachable!

Interprets our kid’s behavior compassionately: If they tidy their room by chucking everything into a “corner of shame”, notice the effort. If they wake up late, remember they were studying for a big test the night before. If they are watching lots of tv, maybe they are stressed (not lazy).

Notices improvement: They brought that C in French up to a B- . They woke up on time this week 2 times instead of zero times. They tried a vegetable. They ignored, instead of hit, their sibling. Focusing on lots of 2% improvements is more encouraging then focusing on everything that is going wrong.

Understands what is normal, passing and annoying developmental behavior: Two-year-olds say, “NO!”. Four-year-olds have tantrums. Teenagers roll their eyes. Most kids try lying. Most kids don’t really care about chores and won’t do them up to your standards until they pay their own mortgage. Trying to ‘parent’ your child out of these normal developmental stages is a giant waste of our limited parenting mojo.

We are up and ready to go before we start nagging children: We get off our phones. We worry about our own hair, weight, clothes before we criticize or lecture them about theirs. We have our own exciting new adventure where we have to learn something new and make new friends.

When we tame our own overwhelm FIRST, we become the parents our kids need us to be so our house and family can be harmonious (not quiet) and cooperative (not obedient).

Time Management Strategies for Busy Parents

*Originally published in Washington Parent, April 2018.

Dashing from one thing to the next? Constantly running late? Feeling overwhelmed by everyday events, or surprised by forgotten appointments? This is modern-day parenting: too much to do in too little time. As a professional organizer and a certified parent educator, I see parents and families bump into the time problem frequently. Many people (maybe even you) assume that the feeling of being overwhelmed is a fact of life that can't be helped. Fear not - there is hope. A combination of improved time management and engaged parenting can make all the difference in the world.

In working with parents, I have noticed three lifestyle changes that offer big rewards in terms of taming your time. I recommend that you focus on one at a time. Why only one? When we try to "fix" everything at once we start off excited and hopeful, and for a while we can deal with the enormous energy, effort and discomfort required to make major changes. Soon enough, it's all too much. We lose steam, our energy drops and hope turns to disappointment as we let ourselves down. Eventually, we give up and go back to our old ways, feeling defeated and dejected. Focusing on just one of the following three lifestyle changes at a time will enable you to find success and create family harmony in the time you have.

Transitions

Transitioning from family life to the working world, from our early morning cup of coffee to waking up the children, from checking our work emails to reviewing homework, from reading stories at bedtime to preparing for the next day's meetings - life as a parent is filled with transitions. "The first moments of every encounter matter," notes Julie Morgenstern,  New York Times Best-Selling author of six books, including "Organizing from the Inside Out." "If you are prepared for the first five to seven minutes of reconnecting, you will buy yourself hours of freedom," says Julie. That means before our kids wake up and  before we pick them up at school, we truly stop "adulting" and transition to parenting. Close out, focus and connect. "You have to stop shoving in one more thing," says Morgenstern. The false sense of productivity that we feel at pick-up time when we delete one more email or send that last text will actually slow us down. Lack of connection between parent and child leads to misbehavior, and dealing with misbehavior gobbles up time, energy and good will.

Children are most likely to cooperate when they feel a sense of connection and closeness with their parent, so focus on drawing firm lines around parenting time: forget about email for the moment, put the phone on airplane mode, stay off the laptop. Doing so will open up opportunities for more connection, resulting in less misbehavior on the part of your children.

Special Time

"Special time" is a period of several minutes set aside every week to focus one-on-one with each child. It's a date we put on our calendars and show up for, even if our kid has misbehaved. Special time is predictable, reliable and consistent. I like to think of it as the physical manifestation of our unconditional love. According to Kathy Hedge, Executive Director of the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP) in Kensington, Maryland, "Special time is always the first suggestion for improving the parent-to-child connection. During special time, we turn off all devices and dive head first into our child's world for 20 minutes or so."

How is this a time management tool when we are already too busy? Building the relationship takes time in the beginning and saves a huge amount of time in the long run by radically reducing children's misbehavior. Through special time, we gain our kids' cooperation, help, goodwill and humor. How much smoother would our days be if our family members were more consistently cooperative and helpful?

Share the Load

Parents, we are often so hard on ourselves and want to make life easy and smooth for our kids. Being busy, having meaningful work and pursuing outside interests can nourish you as well as your family. Kids are often capable of far more than we realize and begin to grow in new directions when we step out of their way. When Hedge took on a bigger work commitment as PEP's executive director, her teens stepped up to the plate and assumed more responsibilities, pitching in to cook dinner and contribute to the family chores. Think about the win-win of creating more time in your day by training kids to take responsibility for chores, self-care and home care. The caveat here is that kids will need time and practice to grow into our standards. If we can learn to love a lumpy bed, appreciate overcooked pasta and not worry about the corners of the living room that didn't get vacuumed, kids generally won't mind pitching in.

Family life is fluid, rapidly changing and unpredictable - that we know, for sure! Sharpening up our transitions, closing out our work day  before we re-enter family life, creating special time each week with our children and sharing the load - these crucial habits will give us the renewable energy we need to keep our family life harmonious, on track and fun.

Tips to Go

Have device-free time in the morning while kids are getting off to school and again during dinner and at bedtime.

Create and maintain a once-a-week special time - one kid with one parent for twenty minutes. Put it on the calendar, let the child direct the activity and watch cooperation increase.

Invite kids to help with chores, self-care and the routines in the house. Learn to love their standards, knowing they will become faster and better as time goes on if we prevent criticism from squashing their desire to help.

Make time for self-care. Meditation, exercise, reading and getting together with friends are all renewable energy sources. Don't overlook them on your parenting journey.

Paige Trevor is a certified parent educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP) and a leader of PEP's "Parenting 5 to 12 Year-Olds" classes. For more information on PEP's resources for parents, see pepparent.org.

Mountains: The View and the Crevice

This post is inspired by Jack Petrash's book, "Navigating the Terrain of Childhood". With babies we start in the Outer Banks (are we asleep or awake? is the baby part of me or separate?).  Two's and Fours's are the Appalachian mountains - the peaks of cuteness, walking and talking, the valleys of tantrums and saying "no". The Great Plains is elementary school years where they love us, they mind us (mostly), there is the occasional hail storm or tornado, but it's pretty flat and predictable. The teen years are the Rocky Mountains, majestic and big and dangerous. Here are some random thoughts having spent a good 7 years here.

The View: The view is only achieved by climbing yourself. Also, you can make it to the top and find that it's cloudy, and even though you climbed and you might be in right spot you CAN'T TELL!  Sometimes we just have to wait out the clouds. We can't will them away, or positive think them away, or party them away, or exercise them away. Sometimes we just have to wait.

The Crevice: What goes up must come down. When we have accidentally fallen into a crevice we must remember that to get to the view we must keep going. Imagine being in a deep, dark and steep crevice. After we have looked around and found the crevice inhospitable, we need to slowly, baby step by baby step walk up. It's frustrating because once we DECIDE we want out, we want to get out immediately. If we get airlifted out we actually haven't learned anything except how to wait and be rescued. WHEN we fall back into a crevice (we always do!), then we will have experience and practice taking those baby steps (working out, staying hydrated, getting enough sleep, having some fun, doing something artistic).

The Long View: The long view, this majestic view is only available AFTER we have crossed the Rocky Mountains ourselves. (or BEFORE we cross the Rocky Mountains, when all we see is the beauty and potential). We can hear other traveler's stories, we can look at photos, we can go on YouTube and watch clips of other people traversing. But after, and ONLY after we do the hard, grueling, rainy, hot, cold, sunny, hungry, boring, tiring hike can we sit back on the plains and see our path unfurl behind us. Even though we notice only the snowcapped glory in the longview, the crevices are still there, and the crevices are what add the contrast, the gratitude and the wisdom.

Perspective: Perspective is earned & experienced (aka there ain't no shortcut). I thought as a CERTIFIED Parent Educator I might dodge a few crevices, because, you know, I KNOW stuff. I read stuff, I write stuff. There are no shortcuts for any of us. We all have to walk across our own Rocky Mountains to get into adult-hood.

FINAL THOUGHT: Invest in good shoes, enjoy your breaks and your views, be sure to hike with good humored friends that aren't judgy, eat nourishing food, minimize the sugar, booze and caffeine (but don't eliminate them!). 

Teeny, Tiny, Bitty, Baby Steps

Teeny, tiny, itty, bitty baby steps!

Coaching clients in organizing and parenting, and trying to make changes in my own life, I have come to see that real and sustainable change comes from repeated, tiny, teeny, bitty little things. After I lead a parenting class, I see the "There's a NEW Sheriff in town" syndrome where parents want to go back home and implement everything. DIVING into the deep end of the pool takes so much energy, is so abrupt and jarring that we quickly swim to the side, heave ourselves out, and head right to the snack bar. Then we pack up our bag, leave and never get into the water again  because it was uncomfortable and non-productive.

INSTEAD, setting and fulfilling the teeniest of goals actually creates dopamine (the feel good drug) in your head. Once the dopamine is flowing we create a self-sustaining energy source for change. Let's see it in practice.

Parenting - Keep doing all the things you are doing and add in spending 20 minutes a week, scheduled, with each child, one on one, doing what they want (avoid screens). If you are a nagger,  keep nagging and write down when you nag to see if you are nagging to relieve stress, or to avoid your own problems, or to make someone do something they really don't want to do. Listen to your child without commenting after the listening (WHAT?! Yes we CAN!).

Workout - honestly, the number one thing that helps EVERYTHING is working out. It promotes healthy sleep, it creates creativity, it reduces blood pressure. If there was a drug that created as many benefits as working out we would pay SO MUCH MONEY for it. I am passionate about it. I understand you have a 1,000,000 excuses why you can't. Keep those excuses and do it anyway. I'm talking a 10 minute walk around the soccer field when your kids are at practice. Getting outside is awesome because nature and Vitamin D help everything too. If you can't get motivated,  just put on your workout clothes and see what happens. The Kaizen Way has some more awesome tips. Keep reminding your lazy brain that getting started takes 90% of the energy.

Organizing - There is no magical there there if you have been disorganized your whole life. There is no turn-key, there is no mystical book that has THE answer. Part of the trick I learned from David Allen of Getting Things Done, set the bar so low that you find success, not what you expected, huh? Here's the visual that came up in my head.

Imagine you want to play soccer (be organized), the barrier to get onto the soccer field is so, so low you can just lift your foot and swoop, there you are ON the field (open my mail every day, pitch the trash and put bills in 'action' and the rest in 'pending'). Then when you look around a few days later (and the mail has piled up, because it will) you think to yourself, "I'm a soccer player! Look, I'm on the field, not still sitting in the stands."  ("I'm an organized person"), and off you go to participate (re-boot your mail). Not, oh my gosh, I'm a loser, I'm never going to get off the bench (Oh my gosh, I'm a loser, I'll just do the mail tomorrow and have a coke and lie down right now.)

Teeny, tiny, itty, bitty, baby steps. We often discount them because they are "too easy". DO. NOT. OVERLOOK. THE. BABY. STEPS! (I am yelling, in a loving and nurturing way.)

Micro Goals is a quick article about the same thing.

Spring Cleaning

“Clutter can play a significant role in how we feel about our homes, our workplaces, and ourselves. Messy homes and workspaces leave us feeling anxious, helpless, and overwhelmed. Yet, rarely is clutter recognized as a significant source of stress in our lives,” Psychologist Sherrie Bourg Carter wrote in an article for Psychology Today.

This is a quote from this Parenting Isn't Easy blog that's making the rounds on Facebook.

Sometimes we can truly fix a parenting problem simply (not easily) by de-cluttering, purging, re-booting and tidying up. TODAY you can do one or all of these things.

1. Get your taxes in order - what is ONE action you can do today? Find accountants phone number. Download forms from investments. Fill out two pages of the organizer? Getting started IS the solution. (Beating yourself up will only slow you down.)

2. Each person gets two coats and two pairs of shoes in the entry way. The entry way is the window to the soul of your house. Make it easy going, clear, and peaceful. 

3. Buy condolence cards-sad things happen, we want to be able to send a hug as soon as possible.

4. Get more sleep! Fatigue causes brain clutter, brain clutter causes stuff clutter, stuff clutter causes relationship clutter. Turn your phone / devices off at 9pm tonight! See what happens.

5. Contact me for assistance! (see below)

Taming the Overwhelm, Part 1 of 2

It's all too much!

Originally published in the March 2018 Glover Park Gazette

We know family life is stressful. Anyone else try to jam five pounds of stuff into a one pound bag? We have carpool, we have to manage those darn devices, we have to cook healthy meals, we have to keep the house clean and organized, we have to save for retirement and tidy the yard. It IS actually OVERWHELMING.

When we feel overwhelmed we become stressed, cranky, short-tempered, terse, naggy. We talk to ourselves like, “I can’t stand this. They should do what I say. I am always yelling. They are always fighting”  Our feelings and emotions are our fuel. When we use fuel like anger, fear, anxiety that comes from overwhelm we usually leave behind some pretty toxic relationship debris. I shudder to think of the shame, blame and pain I accidentally heaped on my beloved children trying to get out the door every morning.

On the other hand, when we are in the process of taming the overwhelm (It will never be fully tame. We have got to keep our expectations realistic.) we have access to patience, calm, and creativity.  We start talking to ourselves like, “I got this. My kids are mostly cooperative.” (NOT obedient!). “I can focus on work today. We are a perfectly good enough family.”

When we are using overwhelmed fuel we tend to reach for caffeine, booze, gossip, mindless internet search. When we using the tamed fuel we tend to reach for working out, truly resting, hanging out with friends, food that really nourishes. Whatever cycle we are in, it usually reinforces itself.

What are we supposed to do?! The first thing is to ask the proper question. NOT, the very self-satisfying and yet super ineffective one, “When are those guys going to shape up and do what I say so I can be the parent I want to be?” The question that will yield the most results is, “Who do I need to be to tame the overwhelm, foster harmony and cooperation?” You can bet your bottom dollar that who your family needs you to be is not nagging, reminding, cajoling, blaming or yelling!

Who we need to be is a parent who listens, refrains from commenting on every darn thing, and interprets our kid’s behavior compassionately (meaning we don’t take everything they do or don’t do personally). The parent we need to be notices improvement, understands what is normal, passing and annoying developmental behavior and focuses on themselves.

Easy, right?!  HAHHAHAHHAHA! Next month we’ll go into detail on the HOW to do these things. For this month we can focus on who we are being and is it fostering cooperation?

The Power of Sleep

When life gets overwhelming, instead of nagging . . . try sleeping.

SLEEP

Yours, ours, and theirs. It’s a tool. It’s a lifelong skill. When things get rough with a child, go back and clean up bedrooms and everyone's sleep routine. This is a bit of a paradox because you can’t MAKE someone go to sleep AND you can do a lot around the whole sleep topic to make the bedtime/sleep time more effective, successful and pleasant. Take a quick look at Underused Parenting Tool: Sleep for specific recommendations and sleep requirements broken down by age.

If you want more detailed information on sleep and the brain, check out The Organized Mind. Daniel Levitin shares detailed scientific research about sleep and it’s truly fascinating. Here’s a good juicy quote: “Sleep is among the most critical factors for peak performance, memory, productivity, immune function and mood regulation". If you live with children, who couldn’t benefit from better MOOD REGULATION? He is pro nap!  Check out what happens, for you and your young child when we nap: “Naps also allow for the recalibration of our emotional equilibrium-after being exposed to angry and frightening stimuli, a nap can turn around negative emotions and increase happiness." Think new power struggle de-escalation strategy – take a nap!

For the teen set, Michael Bradley has this sobering thought on sleep, ". . .some frighteningly large percentage of what we diagnose, therapies, and powerfully medicate as adolescent mental illness is actually sleep deprivation." Teens need nine hours a night, if they have to wake up at 6:30 am - that's a 9:30 pm bedtime with a DEVICE DOWN time of 8:30pm. Close to impossible in our culture of AP classes, full year sports, and time spent socializing online.

Never underestimate the power of sleep to increase family harmony and cooperation.

Mindful Parenting

Listen to this weeks Nifty Tip. Violeta and Rob from Dolcezza invited me to come and chat on their new podcast, the Dolcezza Sherbet Experience. We covered topics from stress to screen time and a whole lot more!

Notice What is RIGHT!

Noticing what is RIGHT promotes creative problem solving....

When my son was in middle school he had trouble getting up. He set his alarm, he hit snooze, I yelled, nagged, reminded and shamed. One night I decided I was going to take him to a high school open house in the morning, so he didn’t need to be ready for school. I thought this might be a good time to see what would happen if I did nothing. Carpool was coming to our house for his younger brother anyway. His alarm went off, he snoozed, it got later and later. When carpool tooted their horn he came RACING down the stairs, uniform on, teeth unbrushed, hair uncombed, backpack slung over his shoulder. I stopped him before he ran out the door and said, “Wow, I see a kid who wants to get to school on time.” I then informed him he was going to the open house.

Later we chatted about ways to wake up on time. He told me he loved that delicious twilight sleeping between snoozes, and it was hard to get up when he did that. I asked him if he would consider setting his alarm LATER (counterintuitive, and yet genius, I don't mean to sound braggy) and wake up the first time. More sleep, less snoozing. He was willing to try and guess what?! I probably had to help him get up once a quarter. I was no longer worried, upset, anxious or mad at him. I really saw him as someone who could get up on time.

Where can you notice and comment and appreciate what your kid is doing RIGHT?!

Psst...you guys, that means it goes for us too, no more carrying on that we are the worst parents!

Beware - We Are Not Parenting Ourselves

They have their own mountain to climb . . .

Have we accidentally found ourselves in the terrain of parenting our younger self instead of the actual child that lives in our house?

Were we asked to grow up too soon and do too much and maybe parent our own parent so we have given our child our, time, our attention and service? Instead of being grateful and energized by all we have done, they act entitled and unmotivated?

Did we party too much in college? It makes sense to us then put our kids on lock-down so they don't do the same thing, because we think, 'of course they would do the same' instead of observing who they actually are. Maybe they are not as compelled to alter their brains as we were  because they had an entirely different childhood then we had.

Do we feel like we need to control things, stop bad things from happening, give warnings and information because something big and scary happened to an adult in our life that we couldn't control?

Did we have an overly controlling and intrusive parent so we are super laissez-faire with our kid believing that freedom=faith in them?

Our kids were born on a different mountain then us, they have different dragons to slay, they have other demons in their heads. We cannot protect them from the journey, the dragons or the demons. 

When we feel like we are speaking to deaf ears, repeating ourselves, doing things that aren't solving the problem - STOP, and see if we aren't accidentally parenting ourselves. If we are, take a deep breath and look around, it's a new mountain and we are now the support team on their mountain journey.