No Butt's About It, Use "AND" - AND You Will Transform Your Thinking

I just got back from a NASAP (North American Society of Adlerian Psychology) Conference. I can't decide if it was the conference or the hotel room all to myself that was the most exhilarating. No matter, in Adlerian Psychology it's best to replace but with AND. What a powerful, powerful parenting tool!  Shall we experiment?

To your whining and complaining 9 year old, who you have a gentle arm around, as you escort him to the car, "I understand you hate swimming lessons and everything about them, AND it's time to go."

To yourself after the 7,265th morning you have to go to your child's room to get them up on time, "It's not my fault we have a lot of power struggles in the family, AND it's my responsibility to change my controlling ways to lessen power's impact on us all." 

To your teen who is texting furiously on their phones at the dinner table, "I understand it's excruciatingly painful to zip a a goodbye to your boyfriend, AND it's time to pop the phone in the device bowl."

Give it a whirl, transform your buts into AND and see how it changes your thoughts, actions and attitude. 

***BONUS - Book List from the conference:

Family Council: Rudolf Dreikurs just has a WAY of being firm, friendly, clear and hopeful. This parenting thing is hard for all of us. Family meetings are one powerful tool - this book can give you insight, practical tips and inspiration. (For more support and ideas, keep an eye out for the PEP's Family Council Workshop!)

Raising Kids Who Can: Watching Betty Lou Bettner in action is a sublime treat of an Adlerian conference. She helps families keep what's good and transform what's negative.

Present Like a Pro: A four hour workshop with Kevin O'Connor feels like 45 minutes. We laughed, we cried, we learned - I can't wait to dive into his book to find out more!

****Double Bonus - Fabulous PEP Leader, Patti Cancellier and I presented on the Family Council. We talked about what gets in the way of having regular meetings. . . I love it when I teach what I need to know!

*********Triple Bonus - Lil' Sebastian helped us present  . . . . Go ahead, take a minute, say, "Bye Bye Lil' Sebastian"

Chocolate & Wine

Underused Parenting Tools: Caffeine, Dessert and Wine

Are ya with me, do I have you? Ok, sit back, relax and stick me because this was a bait and switch situation. This topic is such a turnoff for so many people I dared not lead with WORKOUT. However, I am passionate that working out WILL change your parenting AND organizing game, for the better, more productive, more patient and more fun.

And you guys, I’m not talking about going to the gym (although, feel free), or doing hours of Soul Cycle (but maybe once a week would be invigorating), or lifting heavy weights (a few light weight reps a couple times of week can do wonders for the middle age sag and memory). I’m talking about making working out an every day part of your life. And NOT to get skinny, and not to look good, and not to fit in your jeans from 10 years ago. No, no, NO!

I want you to workout because it will help your family, and organize your brain, and generate creative solutions, and help you to discern what’s a big deal and what’s not. It is fantastic modeling for our children that working out IS a part of DAILY life. Sure, you'll have a million excuses why you can't, don't wanna, don't feel like it. KEEP those excuses AND workout anyway.

Here are a few tips and tidbits  for you to  consider. 

Walking – the best middle age workout around. You can walk anytime. Your heart rate goes up but you don’t get completely sweaty so it’s very versatile (at lunch and on the way to/from work, for example). If your kid has a soccer game, drop them, walk for ½ hour and then watch the rest of the game. I pass the monuments on the way to carpool once a week. I leave 30 minutes early – park the car and walk from the WWII memorial to the Lincoln. I’m surrounded by beauty and tourists, there are ample clean bathrooms and I pick up the kids with a whole new lease on life! I’ve been known to do a 30 minute walk in an airport while my plane is delayed. Now, you need someone to watch your bags and you have to promise your family you will walk far AWAY from the gate, but it works!

Consistency and consistency does not mean perfection! Consistency means you do your best, you push, you pull back, you try something new, you re-play your favorite oldies, you have 2 gazillion back up plans. Consistency and 2 gazillion back up plans will pave the way to an exercise addiction, and THIS is something we want to be addicted to. For example, I planned a 45 minute walk. . . whoops presidential motorcade blocked the road, 20 minutes will do. Gonna go to the gym, but kiddo has strep throat.  . .  I’ll pop in that 30 minute video. I hurt my foot, I’ll spend the next week working on the old upper body. You know what? I need a break, I’m going to take the next week off and I’m sure, certain, not worried at all, that I’ll be back and refreshed the next week. THIS how consistency talks to you. 

Family Fun – Hiking, water activities, outdoor adventures, walking to dinner (ice cream, coffee shop, park). All those steps add up. Bonus - water activities means NO PHONES/DEVICES - two birds, one stone!

Workout Clothes – If I put on my workout clothes when I get home (even if I don't feel like working out) and set up the basement to work out (even if I have a slight headache and am tyty) I will be more like to just suck it up and do 10-15 minutes. That’s enough to change my interaction with my kids and the cheese drawer. Sometimes just being in workout clothes gives me a new kind of energy.

Chores – wear your fitbit and you will see how 'to-ing and fro-ing' for 30 minutes BOTH neatens up your day, increases your heart rate a tad, AND piles on the steps. Imagine, 10,000 steps AND your bed is made and clothes put away, magical, magical, magical!

WHEN you are irritated by your family, workout. WHEN you are in a lot of power struggles, workout. WHEN you are disorganized and scattered, workout. WHEN you feel sorry for yourself and overwhelmed, workout. Now watch, Sexy and I Know It - because, "I Work Out!"

Parenting + Organizing: A Love Story

What if I told you you could REDUCE the number, and usually the severity of power struggles through organizing? Would it give you motivation? Would you be curious? Would you get in the game?

I love to look at problems from a different angle, a new spot, a fresh perspective – let’s take a look at a few common power struggle spots and see what happens if we organized them a wee bit.

Morning Mayhem

Get up earlier then your child and get YOURSELF ready. Do this, no excuses. This will GREATLY reduce the stress level in the house. You HAVE the power. Try it for THREE days this week. Let me know the difference when you face your morning breath kids fully dressed, cell phone charged, coffee cup in hand. Your ability to deal with the typical morning drama will be greatly enhanced.  

De-clutter the kids clothes. Take anything out of their closet that they love wearing and they can’t wear to school, bada boo bada bing – no more struggling over shorts in winter, princess dresses during the week, or anything that gets you hot under the collar.

Remember in real estate it’s location, location, location. In Morning Mayhem it’s the night before, the night before, the night before. Pack bags, charge cell phones, prep lunch, check on sports equipment / gym clothes. IF you don’t wanna fight – GET ORGANIZED!

Homework Hassles

Create homework location/station. Purge it often. DELETE anything that is not homework related (comic books, supplies they don’t use – even if you spent a lot of money, and they might use the supply someday. If you can’t part with that expensive supply, put it in the basement and get it out of the kids homework area).

Uphold a homework time. Check out The Learning Habit for detailed instructions. There IS a formula.  Our job then is to UPHOLD the limits on time, screens, etc. This getting organized will keep you busy and greatly minimize the time you have to nag, lecture and power struggle.

Create a weekly review with each child to get an update on grades, homework, long term projects and ways you can help. Resist the urge to probe/nag other then this weekly meeting time. Keep a private list to go to when you really, really want to probe or nag and you can pull it out when you meet.

Dinner Time

Menu plan, here are some tips. Ask kids for input. Stick to the plan. Expect complaining. Don’t react to the complaining. Enjoy your healthy-ish food.

Get a crock pot. Get a crock pot. Get a crock pot. Use it. Use it. Use it.

Clean out your fridge. Honestly, we won’t be so crabby and short tempered in the evenings if our refrigerator isn’t gross. Trust me.

Finally, take the PEP Workshop, Power Tools for Power Struggles to learn more. We will have more solutions, ideas, tips and tidbits for you, can’t wait to see you there.

Help! I've Fallen into a Power Struggle and I Can't Get Up!

Anyone remember that choice commercial? Bueller, Bueller, Anyone, Bueller? 

I digress. How the heck to get out of a power struggle, with MY dignity AND my child's dignity in tact? Here is a list of 10 actions/thoughts/re-frames you can use:

1. If it's not a safety issue - let it go for the moment and go back to it. This takes Herculean effort. I am not saying it's easy. Try ONE time letting it go, call me, tell me everything!

2. Claim your own power. Remember - we got the money, the car, the house, the job, the legal rights. I'm not saying CONTROL them, I'm saying we often are victims of tears and tantrums and forget that we have so, so, SO much more real control and power then them. Have mercy.

3. If you can DO SOMETHING - do it. If you power struggle over princess dresses being worn to school - put them all on your upstairs shelf in your closet and they are available on the weekends. If you are power struggling over dessert, take a break from dessert for a few nights (have NO dessert in the house!). 

4. Give it to 'em! power struggles are a way our kids tell us when they are ready to move forward. Listen to the message. Give them positive power - pick their clothes, have a say in summer planning, decide on dinner.

5. Kids who are in a lot of power struggles tend to live with adults who enjoy power and control. (Man in the Mirror moment - take a minute).

6. Stop trying to MAKE anyone DO IT. If you are trying to make someone do something, eat something, go to sleep at a certain time or get motivated. Please stop. Can't do it, won't happen. Dead end street.

7. Worry About Yourself! (watch it, watch it again, share with your kids, never gets old!).

8. Read up on development. You don't want to be power struggling over normal and annoying behavior (think 2 year olds saying, 'no', 4 year olds tantruming, teens eye rolling).

9. Ask your spouse or a friend what they see in your relationship with your child. I was greatly helped when my husband pointed out my kids played me like a fiddle,  power struggles would ensue and the focus would change from what needed to get done to who was gonna win. I'm not saying I was gracious in the MOMENT he pointed this out, I'm just saying it really helped.

10. Join me for the Power Struggles workshop! It will be fun, we'll laugh and learn and I might just let you get the last word!

CAUTION - EXTREME HEAT DANGER

Our emotional terrain should come with 'Caution' signs!

I've been out and about giving a lot of talks and preparing for an upcoming workshop.  All paths are leading me to the prickly landscape of Power Struggles.  When we are struggling with our child over who has power it feels a lot like this arid, never ending, not welcoming terrain. It's hot, hot, hot all day long and freezing, freezing all night long. 

When we find ourselves in the land of the Power Struggles, fear not fellow travelers - this is where we learn, and grow, and practice skills, and work together. When we get on the other side, and are in our oasis, our pool, our hammock in the shade - we appreciate the quiet and the comfort all the more because, we know what it's like out here in the stinking, hot desert. Every landscape has it's pros and cons, let's review.

Pros of Power Struggles

Our child is growing. Our child is developing. Our child is actually saying to us, "I got this, butt out, stop controlling me." We can DO less when they DO more (love!). Spicy and sassy is an energy. Those power struggley kids need support and creativity to channel that energy but, we don't want to squish it. We get an opportunity to flex our emotional muscles, tame our runaway anxiety, get comfortable with ambiguity and uncertainty. We find our core values. We discover our outer most limits, we learn new things about ourselves and our child. We practice endurance (underused parenting tool!). We see some new landscape, we get shoved out of our rut.

Cons of Power Struggles 

It is not quiet. It is not peaceful. It is not soothing. We discover (again) we only have control over one person in the entire universe, that is ourselves. If we are in lot of power struggles with our child it usually points to the fact we are trying to control the child - we can't do it (as much as we try). We have to focus on ourselves (always more uncomfortable to look at the man in the mirror then to lecture, nag or cajole our child). We often find ourselves walking in hot and sweaty circles, power struggles are often repetitive, repetitive, repetitive (infuriating!)  It feels never ending.

Power struggles can take the fun out of parenting, or they can be a window of opportunity fo us learn more about development, our kids and ourselves.

Next week let's talk about ways we can deal with a good, old fashioned, every day. run of the mill power struggle. But for now - put on your sunscreen and hydrate!

Training Day

Training is NOT

Bossing people around. Giving instructions. Nagging. Reminding. Cajoling. Commanding. Doing it for them as they watch. Expecting perfection. Wanting them to do it your ONE superior, fabulous, efficient and morally correct way.

Training IS

Asking them if they would like to learn how to do something (and then accepting the answer). Watching what they already know how to do. Building on strengths. Expecting mistakes. Embracing creativity. Learning to love a lumpy bed, a messy worksheet, a baggie full of Doritos and all the Doritos on the ground.

DO NOT TRAIN

When you are tired, grouchy, over caffeinated. Do not offer to train when you mean they have to do something. Do not train when the child is upset, tired or grouchy. Do not train when it's game time. Do not have child practice tying shoes when it's 5 minutes to out the door time. Do not have child set the table when your boss is coming to dinner and you really care about how it looks and you're going to do it over again anyway. 

DO TRAIN

When you are both in a good mood and willing to work together. Train on something the child wants to learn. Train when you can take the long view - child's room will be neat and tidy when he is 37 AND it's important to practice now. Train when it is NOT game time (again, I can't emphasize this enough) - try new foods at snack time (not at dinner time), practice tying shoes before bed (not when you need to get out of the house, in a rush!), crack a dozen eggs with nothing in particular to cook (not when you only have two eggs for your recipe you are making to take to tonights potluck).

SPIRIT OF TRAINING

Imbue the child with possibility and creativity.  Work with their strengths. Training blossoms at lots of different times. That means that even though it feels like they will never fold their clothes, or put them away, or heck - even get them into the dirty clothes bin for gosh durn sakes - keep planting and sowing the seeds. In our family garden we never know what's gonna bloom when. Training is relationship building (nagging is relationship draining). Training is an investment. Invest early, invest often!

Parenting Shmarenting

Top 10 Reasons for Parenting Classes/Workshops.

1. It gets you out of the house, away from the kids (tee hee - but seriously, we all need a break).

2. Parenting classes remind us that raising kids IS challenging, and we aren't the only knuckleheads out there confused and frustrated.

3. We see we are good at some stuff and struggle with other stuff, and so does everybody. What a relief.

4. We learn about a variety of resources - books, workshops, classes, online seminars, podcasts that can infuse our parenting with inspiration and new ideas.

5. We see the universality of all our experiences. Rarely is a parent educator surprised by a question or a problem, because it's the same stuff over and over - messy rooms, problems with friends, picky eaters, no sleepers, homework avoiders.

6. We laugh together, because it IS funny. Seriously - it's funny the parent/child dance. Now, it's not funny when it's you, but it IS funny when we can see together the hilarious things we do to try to get a four-year-old shod and fed before 8am.

7. We can see ourselves more clearly - and that's where change happens. Change happens when we are in the middle of our very own lives - no excuses, no over-dramatization, no soft focus. In the safety of a big group we can quietly notice where we might be too demanding or too permissive.

8. We get inspired. We hear some great idea from another participant and we have the energy, fortitude and knowledge to take it home and try it. 

9. We learn new language. A couple of encouraging, firm and friendly phrases can turn that persistent power struggle into a whole new dance. Our language impacts our thoughts and our thoughts impact our actions. 

10. It gets us out of the house and aways from the children (tee hee - but seriously, you deserve a break today.).

Catching Happiness

I love this quote! I use it a lot in classes I teach for PEP (Parent Encouragement Program).  PEP is based on democratic parenting. It’s neither permissive (child in charge), nor autocratic (parent in charge). EVERYONE is entitled to, “Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” PURSUIT, people. Not acquisition, nor fulfillment, or purchase or trade of happiness from one to another. Each of us has the right to pursue our own happiness.

Giving our child happiness – a toy, laissez-faire bedtime, letting them leave their crap all over, saving their butts regularly by driving forgotten work to school ain’t gonna teach them how to catch happiness themselves.

AND – parents, I hate to tell you, same goes for us. When we demand a semester of little Tom receiving all green lights, or darling Eliza making the travel soccer team, or dear Nathan having copious social engagements, or Joe getting into the college of our dreams - we are asking them to catch happiness for us.

Let's examine, ponder, explore, where we are giving away happiness and satisfaction. Anywhere the child might do better catching happiness on his own?  Do we fill his calendar with so many social/extra-curricular activities that he only needs to show up? Consider, it’s a different skill set to show up then it is to decide, and pursue, on your own, what you might like - karate, or piano, or filmmaking, or fencing, or video games, or nothing (gasp!).

Alternately, am I so obsessed with my kids lives, grades, friends, weight, room that I overlook my own life, work, friends, weight and room? It’s much less anxiety provoking trying to fix up someone else then it is to look at, and start to work on our own “stuff”. Catching happiness for another feels easier, seductive and compelling because we don’t have to worry about disappointment in ourselves. If they aren’t happy – well, we can give them a lecture. If they don't follow through, we can give them a lecture. If we chase happiness and aren’t happy, or if we start chasing happiness and don't follow through . . . ugh! We have to feel our own disappointment, discouragement and shame.

Where are we unhappy that we might do better focusing on ourselves, rather then nagging a child? Where are we giving happiness to our child? Where are we demanding happiness from our child? Shall we spend this next week catching our own happiness and leave it up to our kids to catch their own?

Adapted from April 2016 Glover Park Gazette Parenting in the Park column.

No! . . . Well Maybe, I Don't Want You to Be Mad. . . . .ummm. . . Ok?

Have trouble saying "no"? Have trouble sticking to your "no"? As a recovering "nice" person, I completely understand, empathize and get it. If you are good at a firm, respectful, loving, "No." please take this extra time and watch . . . . Sisters, or if you are in more of PG13 kind of mood, enjoy Between Two Ferns (caution - do not click if you are short on time, you WILL go down a rabbit hole of hilarity)

Here's what I've learned. . . . 

1. You don't need NO explanation for your "no". The buffer before the "no", and the run on sentences after the "no", are thinly veiled ways that us nice people are trying to control the person/situation. I have come to realize that trying to control others is really not that nice. Each of us is entitled to our own feelings and interpretations. That includes the person we are saying, "no" to.

2. We pay the piper somewhere along the way. We might look bad in the person's eye who we are delivering the "no" to, and that is better then losing our integrity or doing something we really don't have time for. If we overcommit because we are afraid to say "no", we may have pleased the PTA President, but our kids will have to endure our short temper as we deal with school auction overwhelm.

3. Silence is not, "no". Guys, when we don't answer it's rude AND not avoiding the conflict. It's moving the conflict underground - which means there is still conflict. That said, you don't have to say no right away, acknowledge the request and tell the requester when you'll get back to them. "I got your request, I'm going to consider it for a few days and get back to you."

4. We might be allergic to "no" because we are devastated when someone says, "no" to us. We assume everyone feels the way we feel. We might change our relationship to "no" if we practice receiving some solid "no's" and see that we can, in fact, get on with our day.

5. Come up with phrases ahead of time and practice them. "I'm so glad you asked, I'm not available right now to help." "For this season, I can't take on anymore volunteer work, and I'm happy to come to your event."  "I am booked that day." No, thank you."

5. Perhaps we want to control strong emotions? We avoid saying, "no" to our kids because we are afraid they will blow up, cry, rebel, retaliate, negotiate. Yo! The sooner those kids get used to "no", the more options they will have. Watch this short Wendy Mogel video for some inspiration and practical language.

"No" is a part of life. Let's makes sure we have a healthy relationship to saying and receiving the inevitable "no" in our life.

Smitten Kitchen

OMG . . . HOW to get my kitchen to look like THIS?!

To follow up on the Underused parenting tool of MENU PLANNING let's discuss our kitchen, shall we? If we avoid cooking we might start by dating our kitchen. Say Whhaaaattt?!

1. Dress for your dates: I like to wear aprons. They make me feel purposeful in the kitchen. The action of putting it on tells my brain it's time to tidy up.

2. Give your kitchen little gifts: Buy new hand towels. Get a beautiful Le Creuset pot. Replace burnt out light bulbs. Buy new rubber gloves (with no holes, you deserve them). Replace that SOS pad. Get a new sponge. Put nice hand lotion under your sink.

3. Chuck the baggage: Don't invite your taxes (or permission slips, or bills to pay, or junk mail, or magazines to read, or coupons) on your date with your kitchen. Seriously, BOOT all non-kitchen items OUT of your kitchen. 

3.5: Keep chucking kitchen baggage: Get rid of gadgets and gizmos you once use, you should use, you might use and ONLY leave gadgets and gizmos you use at LEAST once a week.

4. Lose the weight before you date: Pitch, donate, purge all the stuff you don't use; quinoa (sorry, I know I should, I don't), fennel seed for that one recipe, cookies I shouldn't eat but someone gave me, all those grocery bags stuffed and overflowing from my grocery bag holder, the copious vinegars we got as hostess gifts, the little packets of soy sauce from the chinese food takeout.

5. Wash your face: Take EVERYTHING off your fridge - magnets, photos, phone lists, to do lists, art projects. Just do it. No excuses. Live that way for a week, call me and tell me what happened.

6. Check in every night before bed: Say goodnight to your kitchen with a quick little check in. Dishes on the drying rack put away, papers that found their way on the counter corralled to their proper spot, last few dishes in the dishwasher and run it. Give it a smooch and tell it sweet dreams.

7. Buy flowers: Nothing says, "I'm worth being neat and tidy" better then some fresh flowers - $5 at the grocery store and you get a week of your kitchen dating you right back.

Organizing + Parenting = Order & Calm

Underused Parenting Tools

Here's the point - sometimes we are so focused on making that child DO their homework, CLEAN their room, STOP fighting with their sibling that we forget all the wonderful, beautiful, beneficial, life affirming and glorious things that can happen when we work our problems from a different angle.

After years in the trenches myself, leading parenting classes and coaching people in their homes we often overlook so very, very many parenting tools. And it's my firm belief that parenting isn't about making your child be something you want them to be, but it's an avenue, a road, a hallway down which we can grow into a new kind of person and create a lifelong relationship with our child. Potty training ends. Sleepovers end. AP Exams end. The relationship with our child never, ever ends.

Combining the un-finishable and amorphous task of parenting with the simple, concrete, definable organizing tasks we can expand BOTH the order and the calm and in our lives. Not all the time, not every moment, but more often then not. The Underused Parenting tools give us a foothold when we are confused, overwhelmed, angry and anxious. 

If your four year old is tantruming (again!), if your 8 year old is cutting corners doing their chores, if your teen is doing less then stellar on their AP's and you are losing your mind, at your wits end, about to blow . . . STOP and Menu Plan! Seriously, dinner happens every night. Nutrition is a powerful tool to help with all sorts of undesirable behavior. A fun and relaxed dinner time can set the the tone for a cozy night of homework and chores topped with a quick show or a story.

Do NOT over look this powerful, always useful and sometimes delicious tool. 

For specific tips on how to get started, stay motivated and to keep on cookin' check these out:

Wait, What? I Have to Make Dinner Again?!

The Fly Lady

A Beginners Guide to Meal Planning

Pssst . . . success will come once menu planning is a habit. Remember the three parts . . .

Trigger: Ugh! I have to menu plan.  Tweak trigger to - Starbucks coffee, 15 minutes of quiet before kids get home from school on Wednesday, imagine next week's dinners virtually cooking themselves. 

Action: Menu plan - be realistic, don't over do, plan ahead, make stuff people will eat with a bit of variety. Use themes - breakfast for dinner, meatless monday, etc.

Reward: Ahhhhhhh. . . . . the horrible hour of 4-6 just got lighter, healthier, sillier and I got this dinner thing. Bring. It!

You GUYS!

I didn't get my blog done because I procrastinated and then I went and saw THIS at the Kennedy Center last night and I was too tired . . . . . Enjoy the video, go see the show . . . THAT's MY NIFTY TIP.

Have a great week and/or see you tomorrow night!

Seriously, How Do I Get Them To Do Chores?

Photo by LifesizeImages/Photodisc / Getty Images

Don't we all just wake up one day and think, "Wait, what?! Why am I doing EVERYTHING?"  

Usually I like to to be positive, and tell you what you CAN do. But let's mix it up. . . 

There is no one way to write - just as there is no one way to parent a child or roast a turkey. But there are terrible ways to do all three.    Ann Handley, "Everybody Writes" 

I have seven terrible ways to try get kids to do chores. If you want the more encouraging ways - click on the button below, but for today, let's have a little negative-o fun!

HOW TO NOT GET YOUR CHILD TO DO CHORES:

1. Let them do nothing until they are 11 and then demand they get off their butts and help.

2. Be super duper inconsistent. No chores until you've had it, then chores for three hours until you are done, gosh dern it!

3. Hate chores yourself, talk disparagingly about household tasks. Only do them when you are super pissed. Complain bitterly about the lack of help from your spouse.

4. They give an inch, you take a mile. They act jolly helping you shred the cheese, you demand they set the table. They happily (or not hostiley) fold their clothes, you insist they clean out the crap from underneath their bed.

5. Only interact over chores when you are terse, angry, annoyed, overwhelmed, embarrassed, at your wits end.

6. Expect your child to want to do chores, nay - expect your child to be grateful for doing chores. Have't they read the long term studies about chores and children? Don't they realize that YOU giving THEM chores is an act of LOVE? 

7. Never accept a "No" from your child when you request help with a chore. (Pssst, if it's not optional - do NOT ask, instead say, "Jimmy, you may help me clear the dishwasher now.")

I feel kind of bad/guilty now because the blog title was totally misleading, but come to the PEP Workshop and I'll fill you all in on what TO DO!

Hotel Living

Don't you wish?!

Last week we talked about the Underused Parenting Tool of Sleep? How'd it go? What did you try? Anything work? Feeling more rested?

I love to tie in parenting and organizing and here it is. . . Let's all get our bedrooms picked up and cleaned out! Do this FIRST. Do not start with your kids playroom, do not start with your spouses shoes - as much as they irritate you. I KNOW, if you just got your son's legos corralled your family life would be oh, so, so much better, but trust me.

Of the five Global Organizing Tips - the most tragic, sad, horrible and painful  is "Get Yourself Organized First". Do you need a minute? I understand. Here's the thing - it feels better in the short run to point our fingers at everyone else in the family that needs to get their sh** together. Fixing the other is a Dark Art. Remember Harry Potter, Star Wars? The Dark Side is seductive, compelling, riveting - but it in the end, doesn't get us where we want to go.

Let's start with our own bedroom, and you want to know why? You go there every day. Every day. It's the last thing you see when you climb into bed and the first thing you set eyes on in the morning. How does it speak to you? What are the objects saying? Off the top of my head, here's what we are dealing with in the typical parents' bedroom.

CLOTHES: dirty clothes, clean clothes that aren't put away, ill fitting clothes, need to be fixed clothes, stained clothes, totally unfashionable clothes, kids clothes, clothes handed down from our sister-in-law that we know, know, KNOW our child will never wear, running shoes, dressy shoes, ugly shoes, shoes with holes, pilgrim type shoes you bought in the 90's. PAPERS: bills, unopened mail, late bills, medical bills, taxes, catalogs, trash, ticket stubs, art projects, art projects with glitter, styrofoam, macaroni, the art projects that don't fit in our memory boxes, more tax back-up, notepads - written on and blank and 1/2 written on, 40 cent stamps, thank you notes, Playbills, receipts, to-do lists (from 2006). DEBRIS: jewelry, dog toys, kids toys, first aid products, lice products, light bulbs, hair doo dads and brushes. BOOKS, ETC: parenting, organizing, financial, romance, history, biography, board books, kindles, library books (overdue, of course), magazines that essentially tell us we are too fat, wear the wrong clothes, don't measure up, are eating the wrong food groups, vacationing in loser spots, and are a general Glamour Don't. 

Are we exhausted? Do we feel bad about ourselves? Do we wonder why we don't think we have it all together?

AND we have the power to transform our bedrooms and lay our head down in a peaceful serene room each night, and awaken with a clean slate each morning.  Grab a trash bag, get your recycle bins out, dirty clothes hamper open, and donate sack ready to go. Pitch, donate, move to the downstairs bookcase. Do it, DO IT, GO, GO, GOOOOOOOOO!

Here's what will happen. You will go to bed thinking, "I've done enough for today. I got this. It's time for peace and quiet. I'm good enough as I am today.  Sweet dreams everyone!

Underused Parenting Tool: Sleep

SLEEP is a parenting tool?! Yes siree bob, sleeping is most definitely an overlooked tool for us tired & cranky parents. 

Sleep regulates our cortisol (stress hormone), sleep reboots our brain, sleep helps us create, maintain and sustain memories. Getting a good night sleep helps you lose weight. Say what?! It's true, sleeping is part of an awesome diet/health plan. Sleep is so, so, so important and we often think we can get by without it. I know, I know - work, housework, volunteering, Downton Abbey, Transparent, Vines, Jimmy Fallon's latest lip syncing - that won't watch itself!

Hold onto your excuses people. Keep them, embrace them, AND try to get more sleep.

Seriously, what if you could be more patient, creative and encouraging and the only thing you had to change was the shut eye situation? Joy, hurrah, whoopee! Here's a down and dirty list of helpful hints:

1. Set and UPHOLD regular bed/wake up times for everyone in the house using guidelines below for timing. (psssst. . . that's US. We can't stay up until 1 am because the quiet is so delicious and then wake up at 6 am because we have to and then expect that we will act rationally when, not if, our four year old has a temper tantrum. GO TO BED PEOPLE! Thank you.)

2. Everyone is device free one hour before their official bedtime.

3. Everyone get into bed about 1/2 hour before their designated sleep time and read together, or solo read, or play with dolls, or any other quiet activity.

4. Release the temptation to control, nag and be concerned about when people actually fall asleep. Focus on upholding your devices down hour and bedtime limits. Do NOT focus on the sleep. You can not make anyone eat, poop or sleep, as much as we try.

5. Declutter all bedrooms. Why do we sleep so well in a hotel room? Because it's clutter free. No clothes talking meanly to us that they need to be washed, or they don't fit. No giant pile of books we should read to be a better parent, a shrewder investor, less anxious, more fit, or get a green thumb. No kids toys dumped on the floor. No piles of kids artwork to sort. No bills. No unframed photos making us feel guilty & lazy. What would happen if our bedrooms looked like, even just sorta like, our favorite hotel room? Imagine?! Sigh . . . . . 

6. Avoid binge mentality - keep disruptive nights out, sleepovers and sleeping in late to a minimum. Do what you can to wake up around the same time every day. Do what you can people, I understand parties, teens, good movies, catching up on Netflix binge watching . . . all I ask is that you are mindful and keep disruptions to a reasonable number.

7. Waking up in the middle of the night for middle aged folks is normal. Remember, we are all up with you worrying about our kids. We all think YOUR kid is fine, but OUR kid needs to be fixed. And so it is for all of us. I've started having a Kindle near by, I can keep the light low and can fall asleep with it in my hand. WARNING: Do not start surfing for "How to Fix My CHILD (spouse, mother, sister, boss, money, weight, anxiety)" books!

8. Stop eating 2 hours before bed. Drinking (anything) is best shut down around then too. You might feel hungry at bedtime, it passes and it really helps your sleep when you give your insides a break.

We can't do all of these at once, don't even try! But thinking about sleep as a way to minimize the nagging and maximize the cooperation might give you the motivation to uphold some limits, create some routines and just all around get the rest you need!

Recommended hours (from the National Sleep Foundation)

• Newborns (0-3 months):  14-17 hours each day

• Infants (4-11 months):  12-15 hours

• Toddlers (1-2 years):  11-14 hours  

• Preschoolers (3-5):  10-13 hours 

• School age children (6-13):  9-11 hours

• Teenagers (14-17):  8-10 hours 

• Younger adults (18-25): 7-9 hours 

• Adults (26-64): 7-9 hours