If I Can't Do Their Homework, WHAT Can I Do?

Homework CAN be a cozy time for everyone to do their work  . . . . 

In middle school the kids had to do regular artists presentations. We got tri-fold boards from Staples (I love me a good office supply!), construction paper, double sided tape. I was in hog heaven. History, biography, art, double sided tape, trifold board, what could be more fun? I could totally, absolutely, without a doubt, kick ASS on the artist presentations! The bump in grades would be magnificent. Now, if the boys would only leave me alone while I got to work - they were messy, non-linear, not careful - I really needed to work alone to get those boards ship shape for them. 

Unfortunately, I was taking/leading PEP (Parent Encouragement Program) and was being advised/advising to back off, stop helping and hey, mother, leave those kids alone! This was tragic, a travesty, a great, great loss for their GPAs. However, being both a rule follower and absolutely compelled to do something my thoughts turned to what I COULD do to help facilitate homework (different from doing the homework). Here's my list.

1. Create a homework doing, deep thinking, distraction free zone. Wipe down the kitchen table every day. Create a tiny station with pencils, pens, paper, stapler, calculators, etc close to the table. Then, tidy it every single day. This will keep you occupied AND doing something to help with the homework AND it models the magical art of tidying up!

2. Donate a shelf or two to the cause for each child. Clear out an ample sized shelf or cupboard to each child, very, very, very close to the kitchen table. A door on the cabinet makes everyone happy. 

3. Uphold homework time - if you want a recipe for homework doing please refer to The Learning Habit. The short version, 10 minutes of homework per day/per grade. You uphold the time, they do the work. If they finish early, they free read. Seriously, read this book. (SEE, this is homework help you CAN do!)

4. Set up weekly meetings with tweens and teens to go over grades, goals and pitfalls. Um, people, this is your child's grades, goals and pitfalls. Please do not fix your procrastination problem through your child. Please do not fix your GPA through your child. Please do not fix your ambition/lack of ambition through your child. Thank you. Then write all your nags, concerns, reminders down and review ONCE a WEEK during the meeting. You will absolutely FAIL at this, AND it's worth trying, it will cut down on the nagging, reminding and worry tremendously.

5. Do your own homework. I know, it's ever so much more satisfying to advise, lecture and plan for someone else. And because I love you, here's your wee bit of tough love. Kids do as we do not as we say. Ugh! De-clutter, pay your bills, workout (seriously, if they are doing 2o minutes of homework you can do a workout video, e-mail me for suggestions, I have a million of them!), organize your taxes, edit your photos, delete e-mails, write your thank you notes, clean off your desk-top, donate books.

Consistency: Consequences in Action

What trips us parents up when it comes to consequences is consistency. It's a magical, mystical, paradoxical art. Some of us are super duper inconsistent. "I don't really feel like getting them to bed right now, one more game on the i pad won't ruin them." Some of us are too consistent, "No way, they can't stay up to hang with their out of town cousins, bed time IS 7:30, NO exceptions!" What's a parent to do?

1. Your child will help you figure out if you have a consequences consistency problem. If there is a lot of push back, whining, negotiating around every single limit or boundary - you might be the teeniest bit inconsistent. I've said it before, I'll say it again, kids are very, very under-employed and have a lot of time on their hands. IF they want that sleepover tonight with Zoey, even though they slept over at Zoey's last Saturday, and Sunday was a living hell of over tiredness. . . . they will beg, borrow, plead, barter and cry to get to you to let them do it. Because, why not? They don't have anything else to do but but their little brother and take a bath!

2. Better to have too few consequences then to inconsistently hold-ish up a bunch of them some of the time. Pick  very few consequences that reflect your core values and work on those. Let the rest go. Meal times important? Have a consistent meal time with consistent consequences for lateness, rudeness or bad manners and let go of making the bed for a while.

3. Let the house rules limit the number of consequences by heading off common problems and areas of conflict.  Sleepovers once a month.  TV & video games played Friday - Sunday. Desserts every weekend night. (Do you see what I did there? I phrased everything as a positive - I didn't say "No desserts during the week!" "NO TV during the week", "You can NOT have more then one sleep over a month." Language matters!

4. Let the ecology of the house uphold consequences. Devices and screens in public areas, if devices are found elsewhere they are put away for 24 hours (be reasonable folks, making kids suffer does not teach). This goes for us too. If we, or a beloved screen addicted spouse, lays in bed with their i pad - you are going to have some problems. 

5. Keep your cool, man! Seriously, kids are gonna sneak, and beg, and get over tired, and roll their eyes, and try, try, TRY to get one more minute on their phones. They just are. You might want to review this nifty tip, I'll wait. The Only Shocking Part . . . For real people, this IS the job. They aren't being bad AND they aren't angels. The more we keep our cool and stop being totally shocked and have our hearts broken when they test the limits and need a consequence, the better we will be able to handle the situation AND get on with our day.

6. Keep consequences reasonable, related, respectful, revealed in advance and be sure that they teach responsibility. If you hit your brother at dinner the consequence should not be - lose YOUR phone for a WEEK, YOUNG MAN. Consequences do NOT work if we are too Draconian and try to nip it in the bud by being super mean. The consequence might be that dinner is over for people who hit and breakfast will be available in the morning. Or the hitter has to get up and get ice for the hit-ee and apologize. Or the hitter switches places with Dad so hit-ee is a safe distance from hitter.

Consequences are confusing, they are harder then punishment, they don't solve it all AND consequences can be a really successful parenting tool.  I know you have a million questions, so join me at the workshop, Effective Discipline Without Punishment on Thursday, February 4 at 7:00 in DC.

Underused Parenting Tools: A Series for 2016

Tired of yelling, nagging, cajoling?  Always disappointed in them, in yourself, in your not perfect family?  Me too!

Here's what we are going to do in 2016, we are going to sift through, try on and experiment with some very, very underused parenting tools.  These are tools that aren't the usual thing you hear about in parenting classes. I believe, if we focused on theses tools, we would get much better results then trying to change our child (fat chance, no way, give up now, I tried, it doesn't work, it's too frustrating, it ruins the relationship, it's tiring, it's the dark side - seductive, and ultimately destructive).

Let's start with Mountain Pose. Adding in workouts throughout the day is good for everyone. In Mountain Pose we stand up straight, root ourselves squarely to the earth, open up our palms by our sides to accept whatever is coming our way.  We are the mountain, we are timeless, we accept the weather that drifts over us, we are unmoving.  Here's how it works in action . . . 

0-3: This age group is all about fast moving weather.  A crying two year old who has just bit me  suddenly turns into the most delicious, freshly bathed, best smelling child who leans heavily against my chest as I read his current favorite Dr. Seuss.  I might need to use my mountainy arms to hug said child, but think -- "I am the witness, that is enough. This storm will pass. I am strong, solid and unmoving."

3-5: They won't brush their teeth (again!).  They are in the bathroom with each other uproariously laughing about something ridiculous and annoying to me. I stand up, breath in, breath out, pull my shoulders down, suck my abs in and slowly walk into the bathroom and just stand there.  Seriously, I just stand there.  It might take a minute or two, but something happens when our grown-up and calm brain cells mix in the air with their younger, less focused brain cells.  

6-12: All their friends are over, they have been playing the new PlayStation for 76 hours straight. I have 'agreed' to 75 hours straight.  Child has not held up their end of the agreement. I have nicely yelled (not too loud) down the stairs to remind child about agreement. Mmmmmm, should I try Mountain Pose? Sure, let's give it a whirl. I stand up, breath in, breath out, pull my shoulders down, suck my abs in and slowly walk down into the basement. I stand in front of the screen. I wait, they know. I find if I look into the middle distance, with a Mona Lisa smile on my face, it totally freaks out this age group. The tv goes off and suddenly outside is looking super duper appealing. I hear your through the internet . . . "THEY ARE GETTING AWAY WITH SOMETHING!" Mountain Pose doesn't solve the whole problem, but try it. You will have plenty of time and opportunity to practice consequences later. For now, slowly walk back upstairs and enjoy your quiet house. (You're welcome!)

Teens: House rule is that teens phones and laptops stay in common areas.  Discussions, agreements, consequences have all played out to varying degrees of effectiveness.  (Yo! Parents, we can't win against the screens, we gots to just tread the metaphorical water.  It's the best our generation can do.) I am infuriated, I hate the screen, it's too much, I can't handle it (girl's about to BLOW).  WAIT, Mountain Pose?  Can I use it here?  But how will they learn? (not exactly sure how they will learn, but honestly, I tried, I can't do anymore). Mmmmmm, should I try Mountain Pose? Sure, let's give it a whirl. I stand up, breath in, breath out, pull my shoulders down, suck my abs in and slowly walk up the stairs. I enter teens room, it's a mess. I root myself into the ground. I am timeless. The mess is just passing weather. I stand. I wait. If it's a phone, I might hold out my mountainy hand and wait.  1 second passes, 2 seconds pass. Oh CRAP, this isn't going to work, 14 seconds pass, 23 seconds pass.  Gulp, pull in abs, shoulders down. 48 seconds pass. 1 minute 22 seconds pass. Teen growls, hands over the phone, hurls an insult and an eye roll. I am the mountain, the teen eye roll is just passing weather. I slowly exit the room, limit upheld, usual screaming match diverted. The mountain treats herself to some dark chocolate.

DISCLAIMER:  You have to really, really feel the mountain in Mountain Pose.  You can not do Mountain Pose parenting when you feel super duper aggressive and angry.  You can not do Mountain Pose when you are trying to control 100%.  Mountain Pose might work 85% of the time.  

LAST THOUGHT: Here's the thing about parenting tools like Mountain Pose -- it's got no side effects.  You know, like yelling. We all know yelling can work, but everyone has a yelling hangover later.  Mountain Pose might not be the most efficient, you may not feel in control or superior, and it does't leave you with shame, blame or pain later on.

Let's try it once this week, wanna?! 

5 Tips For Gettng SERIOUSLY Organized This Year

Yo!  People, you make organizing too hard. I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but SERIOUSLY, we need to lighten up if we are going to get the job done. It's one of those paradoxes in life, if we are going to get extremely serious about being organized and de-cluttering this year we gotta loosen our clench, dial up our humor and creativity so we want to come back for more.  Here are 5.5 (I had one more thing I just had to say!) tips to get you on your way.

1. Do not try to save the planet WHILE you are getting organized. Please, please, PUH-LEASE just trash the trash. The best way to help our lovely planet is to simply NOT buy stuff. You will be less compelled to purchase things to fix your life if your home is a big clutter-free hug. PRACTICE throwing things out as a solution (keep recycling and donating, but add in simply pitching stuff to). 

2. Stay inspired.  The thing about organizing is that your accomplishment, especially if you have small children at home, lasts 43 seconds. To stay organized you must stay inspired - Pinterest pages, refreshed and cleanly labeled files, some good music and a delicious cup of tea with the timer set for a small amount of time will help. 

3. Zone It Out.  Get out your metaphorical thick sharpie and draw clean and fat lines around the rooms in your house. Toys in the basement, games in the family room, books & stuffed animals in bedrooms, legos at the big craft table. Our brain is more efficient if it doesn't have to decide stuff all the time. It's not that their books aren't going to always be all over the place, it's that when you clean up it's easy to evict the squatters.

4. Kids stuff:  You guys, it's not our job to memorialize our child's every move. Edit! Get one of these Container Store boxes for each child in your life (color code them) and then what fits in the box, fits in the box. Of course little, cute stuff will take up more space, but be realistic. Good rule of thumb, if it's a worksheet, throw it out. One more time, say it with me, EDIT.

5. Be realistic. The Fly Lady says (Who is the Fly Lady? I love her - check her out) "You can't organize clutter." Time clutter, head clutter, kids clutter, memorabilia clutter, photo clutter, kitchen gadget clutter, pantry clutter, re-usable bag clutter, book clutter. Get it out! I am not saying it's easy, you won't feel like doing it, yet when it's done, OH the freedom it will give you!

5.5 Books & magazines. I can't help myself. Keeping books & magazines does not put the knowledge in your head. Your bedroom is worth being a relaxing and calm hotel room. Have you ever walked into a hotel and seen 28 unread Oprah magazines, 12 New Yorkers, various catalogs and that darn book club book staring at you? Consume books and magazines as they enter your house, then release them into the wild. Otherwise they become stinky fish that stare at you and make you feel bad about yourself.

One More Day Until the New YOU Shines Through!

Just for grins, add . . . meditate, no carbs, second language mastery, practice childhood instrument . . 

You GUYS . . . only one more day of the old us and then we turn into the thinner, more organized, more disciplined, on time, de-cluttered, patient, consistent, second language speaking, full tank of gas, always know where the scissors are kind of person we were MEANT TO BE!

And then you know what?! All our problems will be gone, vanished, banished - for good!  If we are thinner, we will get that promotion.  If we are more patient the 'lazy' child will hop to and study.  If we speak a second language, we will be smarter and will be able to 'figure it all out'.  If we never run out of gas it will be a sign that we are finally a 'grown-up'.  If we know where the scissors are, we won't ever, never ever, not EVER yell at our kids again.  So easy, problems solved.  Phew.

Hi!  Do you hear how crazy that is when I say it?  But isn't that what we secretly think/wish.  If we resolve to be different then the whole universe will change and we will have IT handled.  We will figure IT out.  If only we could be the very best version of ourself, then we'd be surfing on a smooth as glass ocean. Wouldn't that be awesome?!  

But here's the thing, all those resolutions are fabulous if we are keenly aware that the new us we become will only have the power to surf the inevitable waves of life with more dexterity, flexibility, humor and energy.  We can't stop the waves. We can't control other people on their own surfboards (oh, how I've tried).  The resolution keeping will help us understand ourselves, give us more tools when the unavoidable and unpredictable storms descends upon us.  With new, healthy and organized habits we will be able to get up more quickly from the wipe outs (because we will be wiping out).  Look out at sea, we can handle those waves!  

Even with a healthy and resolved surfboard, there will still be waves.

And, Here We GO!

Is this what our tables are supposed to look like?

Expectations: Cozy car ride talking to each other and playing the alphabet game and singing Raffi songs.  Delicious home cooked nutritious meals where children try new foods and eat yellow and green and orange things.  Getting to that pilates class & long walks after meals.  Playing board games and doing puzzles. Combed hair, none of it in eyes, all of it in a hairband and no squabbles over styles or washing. Wearing the fancy & nice clothes Nana bought, all of it ironed, most of it unstained.  Loving and understanding relatives who honor, cherish and cheer for each other.  Sleeping in, oh I'm not crazy, I read that other post, Expectations 101, just a couple of mornings of uninterrupted sleep will do.     

Ruh Roh, is this what we are really doing?

Reality:  Traffic, she is on his side, they don't like that song, every 35 minute bathroom breaks.   Carbs, sugar, booze, caffeine, carbs, more carbs. More booze, caffeine, carbs, lethargy, complaining, fat pants.  Begging and pleading and even crying to get them off screens and standing up.  Lice.  Wrinkled shirt, I took that darn PEP class and let them pack, they forgot their khakis and now there is no choice but sweats for Thanksgiving dinner.  Snarky and gossipyrelatives who judge the kids, the parenting, the lice, the sweat pants.  Four year old who wakes up at 4:30 am, urgent care, strep throat.

Expectations 101, Read it, learn it, try it, live it.                

Originally posted November 26, 2014

Wrapping It Up Pretty

Photo by PeterAustin/iStock / Getty Images

Did you do it?  Did you accomplish your goals? Are you the new you the old you wanted you to be December 2014? Is your family peaceful? Do you workout regularly? Did you teach your kids to cook? Do you have weekly family meetings? Do you pack 2 days before your trip instead of 2 minutes? Did you clean out the basement (closet, garage, attic, storage unit)? Did you save your money? Did you lose those 10 pounds? How is that photo project? Playroom purged? Old paint cans disposed of? Learn how to use that app that will change your life? How's the piano playing, guitar playing, writing habit, drawing every day? Did you get ready for the holidays in November? Me neither . . . sigh . . . . 

But here's the thing folks, we DID do stuff this year.  We DID!  Here's a list of questions I'd like you to ponder. If you really want to see some changes next year, print this sucker out and WRITE down the answers. It changes things. Writing things down really DOES change things. We tend to be super duper mean to ourselves. We think if we shame ourselves hard enough we will change. Yo! How's that shame spiral treating you?  Here's a new twist - wrapping this year up in a lovely way (not fake, not saccharine, not pretend), but in a neat, loving and appreciative way will change our interaction with next years goals.  

QUESTIONS TO PONDER

What habit did you modify, change, start or stop that made your life better?

What habit will you modify, change, start or stop to make your life better in 2016?

What aspect of your parenting improved in 2015 - less anger episodes? More developmental understanding? Increased listening?

What aspect of your parenting do you hope to improve in 2016 - family meetings? special time? 

Any underused parenting tools you want to add to your toolkit in 2016 (being grateful, having fun, menu planning, exercising, listening, using your pre-frontal cortex)?

Guys, we gotta take the best of 2015 and build on that.  Do note things you would do differently in 2016,  but please do not put on that hair shirt and zip it up tight.  Pain can get you moving, but it doesn't keep you moving. (See Jet Fuel for a refresher). 

Underused Parenting Tool: Gratefulness*

The days are getting shorter, the school year is underway, the leaves are dropping. As November unfolds and Thanksgiving is around the corner we are reminded to be grateful and thankful.

Often, in an earnest effort to be a good and conscientious parent, we focus on our kids’ weaknesses. We spend a lot of our time weeding the metaphorical garden. “Get up earlier." "Don’t stay out so late." "Pick up your clothes." "Chew with your mouth shut." "No, you can’t have that i phone." "Clear the dishwasher." "You should socialize more." "Why are you out so much?" "Sit up straight when you do your homework.”

Who else puts their head down and weeds, and plucks, and reminds, and picks, and pulls, and sees all that is wrong? Guilty as charged!

Shall we add gratefulness t0 our parenting tool box this holiday season? I wonder if we don’t practice gratefulness because we are afraid it will take away our edge. We will become less vigilant and then we’ll MISS something and our kids will be BROKEN and it will be OUR FAULT. Newsflash - They are all gonna be broken, and some of it will be our fault – get comfy in that knowledge. The edge, the vigilance won’t keep you safe from this humbling reality.

Gratefulness though, gratefulness will change our tone of voice to one of compassion, love and understanding. It won’t make us weak and lazy and underachievers. Here is some grateful stuff I hear from parents, and it makes my heart melt, “My kid is hilarious and shows me the silliest YouTube videos that brighten my day." "Our child is socially conscious about political issues and puts her heart and soul into making the world a better place with her strong opinions and impassioned speeches." "He is compassionate, sensitive and kind, always willing to share toys and a hug."  "She brings energy and exuberance to everything she does.”

The noticing, the being grateful for the gifts our children naturally have, makes the climate in our house more temperate, more comfortable.  Again, I’m not saying this is the ONLY parenting tool, in all cases be grateful and you will have the answers – no, I’m not saying that at all. What I am saying is that gratefulness is a quiet and surprising energy source.  It’s a renewable energy! We can wake up every day and list a few things to be grateful for. This practice will probably make us less anxious, more understanding, give us a teaspoon more patience,  and all around help us get through the day. That’s what it’s all about, getting through the day with a little more patience, love, and compassion.

* Adapted from 2015 Glover Park Gazette - Parenting in the Park, Why Grateful?

Wait, What?! I Have to Make Dinner AGAIN?!!!!

Isn't this how we all feel?  Didn’t I just MAKE dinner, like four seconds ago?  Dinner/menu planning is a perennial parenting problem. It's a struggle.  It's the pits. It’s hard. We no likey. 

And yet . . . . dinner KEEPS happening.

From a parenting/organizing perspective -here’s what I know.

1. Good nutrition (not perfect, not obsessive) IS a fabulous parenting tool.  Best if we model it.  Model it, people, NOT make children FIX our problems from childhood.  Please see Food, Family and Fixing It for a refresher.

2. Menu planning blows and it makes the rest of our week less stressful.  It’s kind of like working out, once I get going it’s usually not that bad and rewards keep coming long after the task is complete.

3. Menu plan on a different day from your shopping day. If I have to plan my menu and grocery shop on the same day I get overwhelmed and give up.

4.  Look at the month and first plop in all the days we don't have to cook (so rewarding). Looking way ahead informs us of the bigger picture, "Oh yeah, our family vacation is in 10 days. I can cook a bunch this week since I have a week off soon!"  Or, alternately, "I'm flying solo this week - just me and the kids - so best to stock up on prepared foods and plan to pick up pizza on Wednesday." 

5. Decision making is cognitively tiring  – conserve your energy and create themes for each day of the week. – here’s a sampler

Meatless Monday

Crock Pot Tuesday

Catch as Catch Can Wednesday (leftovers)

Breakfast for Dinner Thursday

Taco Night Friday

Mama’s Happy Saturday (go out to eat)

Kids Kook Sunday

6. Here are other themes to get you thinking - Chicken, Pasta, South of the Border, Italian, Fish, Stuff my Kids Will Eat for the Love of Pete, New Recipe, Off the Grill, Cereal Night, Design Your Own Dinner (again, leftovers).

7. I hear you, “My kid won’t any of this!”  Picky eaters live among all of us.  The deal is to cook what you want AND be sure there is something your picky eater will eat.  They won't eat chili (TODAY), serve chili, but be sure to have corn bread, whole milk and carrot sticks.  Think - Buddha’s Middle Way. 

8.  Finally – just follow the directions.  If this is hard for you, please sign up for a menu planning service for 3-6 months and just do what they tell you.  You won't like everything, you will be surprised by some things and you will pick up awesome habits, tips and inspiration after the 6 months.  We don't need to reinvent the dinner wheel every darn night. These people are experts, they love it, their enthusiasm, wisdom and knowledge will help you.  Here are two of my favs - The Six O'Clock Scramble and Saving Dinner.

Yes! Your Teen IS Crazy!(PEP's BIG TALK)

Now, isn't that just a huge relief?  Your teen IS crazy!  In all honesty, I sorta thought I was gonna skate right OVER the teen years.  I mean I've been a parent educator for years. So, yeah, I got this.  Other  people might have problems, but not little ole PEP Leader me!

Hahahhahahhhhahahahhahahahahhahhaha!  They brought IT!  Those kids of mine . . . BROUGHT. IT.

Sigh.

I saw Michael Bradley speak years ago, and these tips and stories still resonate with me!

1.  Throw your grenade and get out of the way! Teens can't absorb lectures.  Say your peace and do that stiff legged run/walk outta there!  With teens we have to talk about touchy subjects - sex, porn, booze, drugs, etc.  It's overwhelming, it's embarrassing, it's important.  The grenade metaphor makes those talks less BIG and more FREQUENT.  

2.  Connection and the relationship is the way to influence.  When we have a warm and loving relationship we can help our teen use their own brakes more frequently.  This does not mean they get to do whatever they want, it means that we fold in having fun, watching silly You Tubes, taking them to Chipotle, listening to very, very long plot summaries of movies/books we may not be excited about.  We laugh with them, we share, we try not to embarrass them in front of their friends.  Influence, NOT control, there's a difference.

3.  It's Developmental Baby!  A lot of the teen behavior is developmental.  The teen brain is pruning and building and pretty much under construction.  We can not judge the finished project, we can not even tell if the house is mid-century modern, traditional, art nouveau, or a colonial -- it's just sorta a whacked out hot mess of unpredictability.  This IS what it is.  Your teen IS crazy, and we're all in this together!

Duct Tape Parenting (PEP's Big Talk)

I have read A LOT of parenting books. A LOT.  "Duct Tape Parenting" by Vicki Hoefle is one of my favorites.  I recommend it, I refer to it, heck I even give it as gifts.  It's practical and funny, just like Vicki and guess what?!  She's coming to DC!

I share with you two anecdotes to wet your whistle. . . . 

A room full of parents were asking Vicki about kids cleaning their rooms.  You know, groaning about how the children don't put their stuff away and the parent is paralyzed with indecision about how to handle it.  Direct(ish) from Vicki Hoefle's mouth she up and says,  "It's your crap, you bought it, you clean it up, you put it in the little bins."  WHAT?! It was a shocking moment of clarity!  Virtually ALL of the stuff in their rooms is ours.  It's OUR crap. We bought it. We gave it to them.  Do you guys need a minute to digest this? Let it sink in?  We do not have to categorize, label and containerize all that junk.  We just don't.  We can give it away, throw it away, sell it on e-bay.  This is going to mean something different to all of you.  I know, I know, confusing, stressful.  I ask you to simply try it on, look in the mirror, spin around.  How does it feel to NOT be beholden to all the junk in their room?  Does it make your derriere look cuter?  Is it flattering?  Is it too powerful for little ole' nice you? 

Vicki recounted her families morning routine and how she handed over ownership to her children.  At one point during the years long process (yes, it does take years for a human to learn how to get ready and out of the house on time and prepared -- some grown-ups are still working on it!) her kids asked her to take her coffee and stay in her room so she wouldn't be tempted to comment, give advice, share a nifty tip. Say WHAT?! Here's what I got out of this anecdote -- I can be a slightly bossy, loving, a teeny bit controlling and filled with good ideas Mom AND I can practice this kind of parenting.  I don't have to have a personality transplant to try any of these techniques.

I hope to hear more fun and useful anecdotes AND to see you there on November 20th.  Let's get ready to learn and laugh.

Vicki Hoefle, Parent Educator

Tidyish Rooms (Learning to Love the B)

Perfectionism of all kinds gets in the way of relationships.  Wanting it to be perfect, our vision, our way makes us both mean and promotes procrastination. Kids bedrooms CAN BE a low stress way to practice learning to love the B.  Guys, don't turn every messy mole hill into a mountainous statement on your parenting.  Kids bedrooms all across America are pigstys.   It's not personal AND it can be practice.  And you know what - practicing is relationship building, and practicing isn't nagging!  Ya with me?  

Last week we heard the conversation between Mom and tween about cleaning up the room.  At the designated time of  4:00 Mom goes up to the tweens room.  Mom has just taken 20 minutes for herself. Mom is not over caffeinated.  Mom does not have have to go to the bathroom.  Mom is not hungry.  Mom has faith in child.  Mom reflects back to her tween years and remembers she couldn't  have cared LESS about where her clothes were, and so has wisdom and empathy that her tween is most likely similar.  Mom has re-read the first blog in the series and remembers that if she fires blame, shame and pain with tidying up the room, well - she can expect the tween to avoid any further exercises in togetherness tidying.  Let's dive back in.

Mom: Hiya sweetie, it's 4:00 and what did we say again about how much time we are going to spend tidying up? (Mom is armed with an herbal tea for herself and cold bubble water for tween.  Mom starts with a nice hello and a question.  There is no saccharine sweetness to try to make child WANT to clean room.  There is no 'tough guy' voice to try to MAKE the child get into action.)

Tween:  Ugh!  What a nightmare, I think we said 2o minutes? (A tween is a tween is a tween - don't be expecting no miracles.)

Mom:  I know! (empathy).  I'll set timer for 15 minutes and then we'll spend the last 5 minutes moving stuff around so your room is ship shape after 20 minutes. Here are the categories I see on the SURFACE (winky face) -  dirty clothes, clean clothes, garbage, schoolwork, books & magazines, memorabilia, stuff that doesn't live in your room. (Categorizing/Sorting makes deciding and doing easier later on.  Everyone gets tripped up by being overwhelmed with so many decisions -- TAKE the decisions out of it to start and your 'on ramp' to organizing is easier)  Where would you like to start?

Tween: Ummm . . . well a lot of this crap is Joe's (little brother) . . . it's not all mine! (Parent - do NOT take the bait - be a Kung Fu master and go WITH the punch, USE that energy.)

MOM:  Oh I see that!  How annoying - let's chuck that stuff into this bin here (Mom is armed with bin for stuff that goes elsewhere, black garbage bag for trash, white garbage bag for donate, paper grocery bag for books to donate - Mom isn't worrying about recycling in this case -- efficiency now will make for mindful consuming and cleaning up later.) Ok great, done with that. Now how about that garbage under the bed?

MOMENT OF PERSONAL GROWTH IS UPON US - BREATH IN - BREATH OUT - Stick with me, don't click away.  Are you ready?

Mom sees two empty bags of chocolate chips and a can of Dr. Pepper.  Ummm . . .this is VERBOTEN! What is MOM to do?  

Mom says NOTHING - zero, zip, nada, niente.  You hear me right.  Mom says nothing and actively relaxes her shoulders and says to herself, "I love my tween, I love my tween, I love my tween."

Tween might be nervous, try to hide the evidence, but Mom reaches out garbage bag in a friendly manner.  

Tween (nervously):  Um, I DON'T know how that got there.  I think that was from when the cousins came to visit.

Mom:  Ok, looks like garbage, pitch it on in.  Books or clothes next?

Tween:  Um, ok, oh, alright, clothes (Tween is  all like -- WHAT is going on ? Why didn't I get yelled at, now I feel really bad about sneaking all that . . . ).

They move along to clothes, they don't get to donate any books, but they do bag up some old t-shirts and socks with a couple of pairs of too small jeans into the donate bag, not a lot, but it makes a difference.  

The timer goes off at 15 minutes and Mom stops and asks tween to help her to and fro things -- garbage outside, stack unsorted homework stuff on desk, leave debris in the 'corner of shame' where tween usually hides things and at 20 minutes tween and Mom hug and go their separate ways.  Mom has learned tween wants new posters and will consider this after tween researches online where to order them.  Tween discovers Mom can be chill, Mom isn't as judgey as tween suspected, Mom sticks to her word, Mom is a little less annoying then tween thought.

Mom also makes a mental note to mention the verboten candy the next morning -- she doesn't lose anything by postponing the conversation.  Mom has successfully fired good will, patience, understanding and empathy with cleaning a tweens room.  THIS is the Magical Art of Tidying Up! 

PLEASE NOTE:  Techniques like these do not work if parent/child relationship is tense and uncooperative, filled with nagging, and low on fun and laughter.  Technique will not work if the amount of stuff is  too much to manage.  These two things need to be addressed separately and  before you try the above techniques.

Does Your Kids Room Look Like This? (#teensrelaxing)

#teensrelaxing

This is a stock photo, but I'm LIVING this. LIVING.IT.  The current state of affairs in certain people's bedrooms is actually worse.  It's WORSE!  I really get after my kids on the days the dog walker comes, and I quote myself, "You GUYS, I am a parent educator AND a professional organizer - we can't let Allen SEE this!  We ARE a LOVELY family.  Pick this crap up!"  And because my kids love me and don't give a rat's a** about my job title(s), like order, don't mind disorder - sometimes they do and sometimes they don't.  I've gotten more or less zen about the 85% compliance -- I'm getting super ok with a B average these days, but that's another blog.

Here's the point, parents are at a loss riding that wave of helping kids clean up their room and letting it go.  May I offer some assistance with a script? 

Parent:  Yo! Your room is  . . . well . . . there really are no words . . . Grammy is coming at the end of the week and I just can't deal with her judgey eye rolls -- can you help me out? (Notice parent did not call the child a wreck or disrespectful or a slob.  The parent owned the problem.)

Child:  Um, not now. (A tween is a tween, is a tween - don't be expecting no miracles!)

Parent:  Ok, and I'm guessing you might NEVER feel like doing this.  How about at 4:00 today, I'll bring tea up for me and do you want an Izzy or a Bubble water? (Beverages can be very motivating to get people to do boring things.)

Child:  (Groan!) That's so lame Mom!  (A tween is a tween, is a tween - don't be expecting no miracles!)

Parent: Ok, unless you have a better time today, 4:00 it is, I'll surprise you with your beverage.  How long do you think you can tolerate tidying your room together? (Please don't try the, "We are DOING this until we are DONE" business.  This parent is firing humor, beverages, calmness, asking questions - hopefully it will wire organizing to it.  (Refer to last blog for a refresher on what gets fired together gets wired together.) Imagine if your child has the thought - 'Organizing - oh, no big deal, short amount of time, fun beverage and no drama -  a life long useful habit!  Using words like tolerate gets to the heart of the matter.  They don't wanna, they don't feel like it, AND they can tolerate stuff for a prescribed amount of time.)

Child: (eye roll, snort, groan, sigh) - 20 minutes. (Kids usually KNOW what is reasonable-ish, not always, but inviting them to come up with part of the solution is respectful and generally effective.)

Parent: Got it.  I will set at timer for 15 and then we can put things to rights with the last 5 minutes.  (A key organizing tool is to keep time & energy for putting donate stuff in bag, chucking un-sorted items into a bin, throwing out trash and just generally to and fro-ing all the stuff that doesn't belong in the room.  A BIG mistake is to work for 20 minutes and then have junk all in the hallway in unclear piles.)

Tune in next week at the same Balanced - time, same Balanced-channel (blog)* and we'll hear how our parent/child is getting along tidying up that bedroom!

* You guys remember this?  LOVED!

Organized Child - Urban Myth or True Story?

Photo by Big Cheese/Big Cheese Photo / Getty Images

Some kids are organized, some kids are neat, some kids are hot messes, some kids are organized about one thing and hot messes about others, some kids are always on time, some kids wake up at the first sound of an alarm clock, some kids are snooze-a- holics, some kids study, some kids wing it, some kids start a long term project the day they get it, some kids start a long term project the day before its due.  You guys, hell0? Do you see that I can change the words kids to people or us? This is US, this is YOU, this is your SPOUSE, this is ME.  Isn't it amazing that we are so far from perfect but we want our kids to be?  

Organizing & Children:  I feel a series coming on . . . there are so many, many topics for kids/stuff/organizing.  Let's start with this little nugget of neuroscience, what gets fired together gets wired together*.  When we yell, fuss, dominate, scream, shame and blame over chores and tidying up our kids might not be attracted to, want to, be able to, be inspired to do chores or tidying up.  See what got fired together (tidying up, organizing + yelling, shaming, blaming) got wired together (ick, stay away, don't help, unpleasant task, stress, never ending, shame).

I know this from actual experience.  I WAS the mom that let the playroom go and go and get messier and messier and grosser and messier until I had it and then, I am not even joking, I would stand there with a garbage bag and yell at those small children, "I am DONATING EVERYTHING that doesn't get PICKED up NOW!"  Sigh . .. . (right? and I am BOTH an Organizer AND Parent Educator - the universe can be be vindictive and mean).

If we want to lead our children into getting and staying organized we might want to try a few new techniques.  I'm not saying that you can't freak out with a large black garbage bag every now and then.  The parental over-reaction and dramatic dance has it's time, place and usefulness, but as an every day strategy - well, not so much.

Come back next week to learn what to say when you want to help a kid tidy their room (Yes! I will lay out an ACTUAL script).  

*From the fabulous  book - "No-Drama Discipline", Dan Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson.

Underused Parenting Tools (+ an update)

UPDATE: Remember the blog - about my eyeliner - Why Do We Do This To Ourselves?  Well, I have heard from a lot of you that you are LOVING your new stash of underwear, and fresh non fraying towels, and you know what?  SO AM I.  I bought all new towels the DAY BEFORE I posted that blog because I had to walk the talk, man!  Also, I finally purchased that eyeliner pencil sharpener (for under $5.00) and now my eyeliner is smooth and beautiful.  Keep sharing the stories and the inspiration!

Photo by 79mtk/iStock / Getty Images

Last week we looked at our go to Problem Solving techniques - did you notice how you always grab a hammer (niceness) when you might want to try a saw (firmness)?  I don't like to leave you hanging so below is the October Parenting in the Park article (published in the Glover Park Gazette)  filled with Underused Parenting Tools.  Try one now, save one for later!

Underused Parenting Tools

We’ve all heard the statistic, we only use 10% of our brain capacity.  After almost a decade of leading parenting classes, I have concluded that parents use 10% of all possible parenting tools (maybe even less).  Stern talking, taking away things, yelling, repeating ourselves, shame, blame and lecturing are our most popular techniques.  But guys, there’s a big wide world of parenting strategies out there!  Let’s explore, shall we?

Sleep:  Yours, theirs, ours.  Sleep IS a parenting tool.  Now we can’t MAKE anyone got to sleep but we can tidy up our sleep routines.  Consistent bed time (YOU too!).  Devices off one hour before bedtime and plugged in overnight in a NON Bedroom.  Only a couple sleepovers per month for the kiddos.  Keep weeknight grown-up events to jut a few a month.  Sleep improves our focus, our emotional regulation, keeps us fitter and trimmer and expands our patience.

Exercising:  Yours, theirs, ours.  Seriously, YOU working out is a way to improve your parenting game.  Even a 10 minute walk around the block will clear your head and generate optimism.  Physical activity has a way of sweeping away our blues and makes us feel less sorry for ourselves and gets endorphins flowing.  We are lucky in Glover Park to have parks and woods to enjoy and play in.  EVERYONE behaves better when they have been aired and fluffed.

Listening:  Sit down, take a deep breath, and stick with me on this.  We can NOT read our child’s (or spouse’s, or bosses’, or friend’s, or mother’s) mind.   GASP, I know!  Ask a question and then listen. We all behave from our beliefs and interpretations.  Guess what?  Our beliefs and interpretations are different from our kid’s (WHAT?!).  I speak the truth.   Really knowing what our kids think help us to effectively lead them.  We learn about them, they feel respected, together we come up with better solutions.   Then, you know what happens?  They tell us more stuff because we listen, we learn, they feel respected, we come up with better solutions together. Lather, rinse, repeat!

Together, let’s get outside to walk and play, listen to or kids (or spouse, or friend, or mother), and go to bed early.  With all that sleep, outside time and new information our relationships are bound to be lighter, more fun, and more productive.  No yelling necessary!