And, Here We GO!

Is this what our tables are supposed to look like?

Expectations: Cozy car ride talking to each other and playing the alphabet game and singing Raffi songs.  Delicious home cooked nutritious meals where children try new foods and eat yellow and green and orange things.  Getting to that pilates class & long walks after meals.  Playing board games and doing puzzles. Combed hair, none of it in eyes, all of it in a hairband and no squabbles over styles or washing. Wearing the fancy & nice clothes Nana bought, all of it ironed, most of it unstained.  Loving and understanding relatives who honor, cherish and cheer for each other.  Sleeping in, oh I'm not crazy, I read that other post, Expectations 101, just a couple of mornings of uninterrupted sleep will do.     

Ruh Roh, is this what we are really doing?

Reality:  Traffic, she is on his side, they don't like that song, every 35 minute bathroom breaks.   Carbs, sugar, booze, caffeine, carbs, more carbs. More booze, caffeine, carbs, lethargy, complaining, fat pants.  Begging and pleading and even crying to get them off screens and standing up.  Lice.  Wrinkled shirt, I took that darn PEP class and let them pack, they forgot their khakis and now there is no choice but sweats for Thanksgiving dinner.  Snarky and gossipyrelatives who judge the kids, the parenting, the lice, the sweat pants.  Four year old who wakes up at 4:30 am, urgent care, strep throat.

Expectations 101, Read it, learn it, try it, live it.                

Originally posted November 26, 2014

Wrapping It Up Pretty

Photo by PeterAustin/iStock / Getty Images

Did you do it?  Did you accomplish your goals? Are you the new you the old you wanted you to be December 2014? Is your family peaceful? Do you workout regularly? Did you teach your kids to cook? Do you have weekly family meetings? Do you pack 2 days before your trip instead of 2 minutes? Did you clean out the basement (closet, garage, attic, storage unit)? Did you save your money? Did you lose those 10 pounds? How is that photo project? Playroom purged? Old paint cans disposed of? Learn how to use that app that will change your life? How's the piano playing, guitar playing, writing habit, drawing every day? Did you get ready for the holidays in November? Me neither . . . sigh . . . . 

But here's the thing folks, we DID do stuff this year.  We DID!  Here's a list of questions I'd like you to ponder. If you really want to see some changes next year, print this sucker out and WRITE down the answers. It changes things. Writing things down really DOES change things. We tend to be super duper mean to ourselves. We think if we shame ourselves hard enough we will change. Yo! How's that shame spiral treating you?  Here's a new twist - wrapping this year up in a lovely way (not fake, not saccharine, not pretend), but in a neat, loving and appreciative way will change our interaction with next years goals.  

QUESTIONS TO PONDER

What habit did you modify, change, start or stop that made your life better?

What habit will you modify, change, start or stop to make your life better in 2016?

What aspect of your parenting improved in 2015 - less anger episodes? More developmental understanding? Increased listening?

What aspect of your parenting do you hope to improve in 2016 - family meetings? special time? 

Any underused parenting tools you want to add to your toolkit in 2016 (being grateful, having fun, menu planning, exercising, listening, using your pre-frontal cortex)?

Guys, we gotta take the best of 2015 and build on that.  Do note things you would do differently in 2016,  but please do not put on that hair shirt and zip it up tight.  Pain can get you moving, but it doesn't keep you moving. (See Jet Fuel for a refresher). 

Underused Parenting Tool: Gratefulness*

The days are getting shorter, the school year is underway, the leaves are dropping. As November unfolds and Thanksgiving is around the corner we are reminded to be grateful and thankful.

Often, in an earnest effort to be a good and conscientious parent, we focus on our kids’ weaknesses. We spend a lot of our time weeding the metaphorical garden. “Get up earlier." "Don’t stay out so late." "Pick up your clothes." "Chew with your mouth shut." "No, you can’t have that i phone." "Clear the dishwasher." "You should socialize more." "Why are you out so much?" "Sit up straight when you do your homework.”

Who else puts their head down and weeds, and plucks, and reminds, and picks, and pulls, and sees all that is wrong? Guilty as charged!

Shall we add gratefulness t0 our parenting tool box this holiday season? I wonder if we don’t practice gratefulness because we are afraid it will take away our edge. We will become less vigilant and then we’ll MISS something and our kids will be BROKEN and it will be OUR FAULT. Newsflash - They are all gonna be broken, and some of it will be our fault – get comfy in that knowledge. The edge, the vigilance won’t keep you safe from this humbling reality.

Gratefulness though, gratefulness will change our tone of voice to one of compassion, love and understanding. It won’t make us weak and lazy and underachievers. Here is some grateful stuff I hear from parents, and it makes my heart melt, “My kid is hilarious and shows me the silliest YouTube videos that brighten my day." "Our child is socially conscious about political issues and puts her heart and soul into making the world a better place with her strong opinions and impassioned speeches." "He is compassionate, sensitive and kind, always willing to share toys and a hug."  "She brings energy and exuberance to everything she does.”

The noticing, the being grateful for the gifts our children naturally have, makes the climate in our house more temperate, more comfortable.  Again, I’m not saying this is the ONLY parenting tool, in all cases be grateful and you will have the answers – no, I’m not saying that at all. What I am saying is that gratefulness is a quiet and surprising energy source.  It’s a renewable energy! We can wake up every day and list a few things to be grateful for. This practice will probably make us less anxious, more understanding, give us a teaspoon more patience,  and all around help us get through the day. That’s what it’s all about, getting through the day with a little more patience, love, and compassion.

* Adapted from 2015 Glover Park Gazette - Parenting in the Park, Why Grateful?

Wait, What?! I Have to Make Dinner AGAIN?!!!!

Isn't this how we all feel?  Didn’t I just MAKE dinner, like four seconds ago?  Dinner/menu planning is a perennial parenting problem. It's a struggle.  It's the pits. It’s hard. We no likey. 

And yet . . . . dinner KEEPS happening.

From a parenting/organizing perspective -here’s what I know.

1. Good nutrition (not perfect, not obsessive) IS a fabulous parenting tool.  Best if we model it.  Model it, people, NOT make children FIX our problems from childhood.  Please see Food, Family and Fixing It for a refresher.

2. Menu planning blows and it makes the rest of our week less stressful.  It’s kind of like working out, once I get going it’s usually not that bad and rewards keep coming long after the task is complete.

3. Menu plan on a different day from your shopping day. If I have to plan my menu and grocery shop on the same day I get overwhelmed and give up.

4.  Look at the month and first plop in all the days we don't have to cook (so rewarding). Looking way ahead informs us of the bigger picture, "Oh yeah, our family vacation is in 10 days. I can cook a bunch this week since I have a week off soon!"  Or, alternately, "I'm flying solo this week - just me and the kids - so best to stock up on prepared foods and plan to pick up pizza on Wednesday." 

5. Decision making is cognitively tiring  – conserve your energy and create themes for each day of the week. – here’s a sampler

Meatless Monday

Crock Pot Tuesday

Catch as Catch Can Wednesday (leftovers)

Breakfast for Dinner Thursday

Taco Night Friday

Mama’s Happy Saturday (go out to eat)

Kids Kook Sunday

6. Here are other themes to get you thinking - Chicken, Pasta, South of the Border, Italian, Fish, Stuff my Kids Will Eat for the Love of Pete, New Recipe, Off the Grill, Cereal Night, Design Your Own Dinner (again, leftovers).

7. I hear you, “My kid won’t any of this!”  Picky eaters live among all of us.  The deal is to cook what you want AND be sure there is something your picky eater will eat.  They won't eat chili (TODAY), serve chili, but be sure to have corn bread, whole milk and carrot sticks.  Think - Buddha’s Middle Way. 

8.  Finally – just follow the directions.  If this is hard for you, please sign up for a menu planning service for 3-6 months and just do what they tell you.  You won't like everything, you will be surprised by some things and you will pick up awesome habits, tips and inspiration after the 6 months.  We don't need to reinvent the dinner wheel every darn night. These people are experts, they love it, their enthusiasm, wisdom and knowledge will help you.  Here are two of my favs - The Six O'Clock Scramble and Saving Dinner.

Yes! Your Teen IS Crazy!(PEP's BIG TALK)

Now, isn't that just a huge relief?  Your teen IS crazy!  In all honesty, I sorta thought I was gonna skate right OVER the teen years.  I mean I've been a parent educator for years. So, yeah, I got this.  Other  people might have problems, but not little ole PEP Leader me!

Hahahhahahhhhahahahhahahahahhahhaha!  They brought IT!  Those kids of mine . . . BROUGHT. IT.

Sigh.

I saw Michael Bradley speak years ago, and these tips and stories still resonate with me!

1.  Throw your grenade and get out of the way! Teens can't absorb lectures.  Say your peace and do that stiff legged run/walk outta there!  With teens we have to talk about touchy subjects - sex, porn, booze, drugs, etc.  It's overwhelming, it's embarrassing, it's important.  The grenade metaphor makes those talks less BIG and more FREQUENT.  

2.  Connection and the relationship is the way to influence.  When we have a warm and loving relationship we can help our teen use their own brakes more frequently.  This does not mean they get to do whatever they want, it means that we fold in having fun, watching silly You Tubes, taking them to Chipotle, listening to very, very long plot summaries of movies/books we may not be excited about.  We laugh with them, we share, we try not to embarrass them in front of their friends.  Influence, NOT control, there's a difference.

3.  It's Developmental Baby!  A lot of the teen behavior is developmental.  The teen brain is pruning and building and pretty much under construction.  We can not judge the finished project, we can not even tell if the house is mid-century modern, traditional, art nouveau, or a colonial -- it's just sorta a whacked out hot mess of unpredictability.  This IS what it is.  Your teen IS crazy, and we're all in this together!

Duct Tape Parenting (PEP's Big Talk)

I have read A LOT of parenting books. A LOT.  "Duct Tape Parenting" by Vicki Hoefle is one of my favorites.  I recommend it, I refer to it, heck I even give it as gifts.  It's practical and funny, just like Vicki and guess what?!  She's coming to DC!

I share with you two anecdotes to wet your whistle. . . . 

A room full of parents were asking Vicki about kids cleaning their rooms.  You know, groaning about how the children don't put their stuff away and the parent is paralyzed with indecision about how to handle it.  Direct(ish) from Vicki Hoefle's mouth she up and says,  "It's your crap, you bought it, you clean it up, you put it in the little bins."  WHAT?! It was a shocking moment of clarity!  Virtually ALL of the stuff in their rooms is ours.  It's OUR crap. We bought it. We gave it to them.  Do you guys need a minute to digest this? Let it sink in?  We do not have to categorize, label and containerize all that junk.  We just don't.  We can give it away, throw it away, sell it on e-bay.  This is going to mean something different to all of you.  I know, I know, confusing, stressful.  I ask you to simply try it on, look in the mirror, spin around.  How does it feel to NOT be beholden to all the junk in their room?  Does it make your derriere look cuter?  Is it flattering?  Is it too powerful for little ole' nice you? 

Vicki recounted her families morning routine and how she handed over ownership to her children.  At one point during the years long process (yes, it does take years for a human to learn how to get ready and out of the house on time and prepared -- some grown-ups are still working on it!) her kids asked her to take her coffee and stay in her room so she wouldn't be tempted to comment, give advice, share a nifty tip. Say WHAT?! Here's what I got out of this anecdote -- I can be a slightly bossy, loving, a teeny bit controlling and filled with good ideas Mom AND I can practice this kind of parenting.  I don't have to have a personality transplant to try any of these techniques.

I hope to hear more fun and useful anecdotes AND to see you there on November 20th.  Let's get ready to learn and laugh.

Vicki Hoefle, Parent Educator

Tidyish Rooms (Learning to Love the B)

Perfectionism of all kinds gets in the way of relationships.  Wanting it to be perfect, our vision, our way makes us both mean and promotes procrastination. Kids bedrooms CAN BE a low stress way to practice learning to love the B.  Guys, don't turn every messy mole hill into a mountainous statement on your parenting.  Kids bedrooms all across America are pigstys.   It's not personal AND it can be practice.  And you know what - practicing is relationship building, and practicing isn't nagging!  Ya with me?  

Last week we heard the conversation between Mom and tween about cleaning up the room.  At the designated time of  4:00 Mom goes up to the tweens room.  Mom has just taken 20 minutes for herself. Mom is not over caffeinated.  Mom does not have have to go to the bathroom.  Mom is not hungry.  Mom has faith in child.  Mom reflects back to her tween years and remembers she couldn't  have cared LESS about where her clothes were, and so has wisdom and empathy that her tween is most likely similar.  Mom has re-read the first blog in the series and remembers that if she fires blame, shame and pain with tidying up the room, well - she can expect the tween to avoid any further exercises in togetherness tidying.  Let's dive back in.

Mom: Hiya sweetie, it's 4:00 and what did we say again about how much time we are going to spend tidying up? (Mom is armed with an herbal tea for herself and cold bubble water for tween.  Mom starts with a nice hello and a question.  There is no saccharine sweetness to try to make child WANT to clean room.  There is no 'tough guy' voice to try to MAKE the child get into action.)

Tween:  Ugh!  What a nightmare, I think we said 2o minutes? (A tween is a tween is a tween - don't be expecting no miracles.)

Mom:  I know! (empathy).  I'll set timer for 15 minutes and then we'll spend the last 5 minutes moving stuff around so your room is ship shape after 20 minutes. Here are the categories I see on the SURFACE (winky face) -  dirty clothes, clean clothes, garbage, schoolwork, books & magazines, memorabilia, stuff that doesn't live in your room. (Categorizing/Sorting makes deciding and doing easier later on.  Everyone gets tripped up by being overwhelmed with so many decisions -- TAKE the decisions out of it to start and your 'on ramp' to organizing is easier)  Where would you like to start?

Tween: Ummm . . . well a lot of this crap is Joe's (little brother) . . . it's not all mine! (Parent - do NOT take the bait - be a Kung Fu master and go WITH the punch, USE that energy.)

MOM:  Oh I see that!  How annoying - let's chuck that stuff into this bin here (Mom is armed with bin for stuff that goes elsewhere, black garbage bag for trash, white garbage bag for donate, paper grocery bag for books to donate - Mom isn't worrying about recycling in this case -- efficiency now will make for mindful consuming and cleaning up later.) Ok great, done with that. Now how about that garbage under the bed?

MOMENT OF PERSONAL GROWTH IS UPON US - BREATH IN - BREATH OUT - Stick with me, don't click away.  Are you ready?

Mom sees two empty bags of chocolate chips and a can of Dr. Pepper.  Ummm . . .this is VERBOTEN! What is MOM to do?  

Mom says NOTHING - zero, zip, nada, niente.  You hear me right.  Mom says nothing and actively relaxes her shoulders and says to herself, "I love my tween, I love my tween, I love my tween."

Tween might be nervous, try to hide the evidence, but Mom reaches out garbage bag in a friendly manner.  

Tween (nervously):  Um, I DON'T know how that got there.  I think that was from when the cousins came to visit.

Mom:  Ok, looks like garbage, pitch it on in.  Books or clothes next?

Tween:  Um, ok, oh, alright, clothes (Tween is  all like -- WHAT is going on ? Why didn't I get yelled at, now I feel really bad about sneaking all that . . . ).

They move along to clothes, they don't get to donate any books, but they do bag up some old t-shirts and socks with a couple of pairs of too small jeans into the donate bag, not a lot, but it makes a difference.  

The timer goes off at 15 minutes and Mom stops and asks tween to help her to and fro things -- garbage outside, stack unsorted homework stuff on desk, leave debris in the 'corner of shame' where tween usually hides things and at 20 minutes tween and Mom hug and go their separate ways.  Mom has learned tween wants new posters and will consider this after tween researches online where to order them.  Tween discovers Mom can be chill, Mom isn't as judgey as tween suspected, Mom sticks to her word, Mom is a little less annoying then tween thought.

Mom also makes a mental note to mention the verboten candy the next morning -- she doesn't lose anything by postponing the conversation.  Mom has successfully fired good will, patience, understanding and empathy with cleaning a tweens room.  THIS is the Magical Art of Tidying Up! 

PLEASE NOTE:  Techniques like these do not work if parent/child relationship is tense and uncooperative, filled with nagging, and low on fun and laughter.  Technique will not work if the amount of stuff is  too much to manage.  These two things need to be addressed separately and  before you try the above techniques.

Does Your Kids Room Look Like This? (#teensrelaxing)

#teensrelaxing

This is a stock photo, but I'm LIVING this. LIVING.IT.  The current state of affairs in certain people's bedrooms is actually worse.  It's WORSE!  I really get after my kids on the days the dog walker comes, and I quote myself, "You GUYS, I am a parent educator AND a professional organizer - we can't let Allen SEE this!  We ARE a LOVELY family.  Pick this crap up!"  And because my kids love me and don't give a rat's a** about my job title(s), like order, don't mind disorder - sometimes they do and sometimes they don't.  I've gotten more or less zen about the 85% compliance -- I'm getting super ok with a B average these days, but that's another blog.

Here's the point, parents are at a loss riding that wave of helping kids clean up their room and letting it go.  May I offer some assistance with a script? 

Parent:  Yo! Your room is  . . . well . . . there really are no words . . . Grammy is coming at the end of the week and I just can't deal with her judgey eye rolls -- can you help me out? (Notice parent did not call the child a wreck or disrespectful or a slob.  The parent owned the problem.)

Child:  Um, not now. (A tween is a tween, is a tween - don't be expecting no miracles!)

Parent:  Ok, and I'm guessing you might NEVER feel like doing this.  How about at 4:00 today, I'll bring tea up for me and do you want an Izzy or a Bubble water? (Beverages can be very motivating to get people to do boring things.)

Child:  (Groan!) That's so lame Mom!  (A tween is a tween, is a tween - don't be expecting no miracles!)

Parent: Ok, unless you have a better time today, 4:00 it is, I'll surprise you with your beverage.  How long do you think you can tolerate tidying your room together? (Please don't try the, "We are DOING this until we are DONE" business.  This parent is firing humor, beverages, calmness, asking questions - hopefully it will wire organizing to it.  (Refer to last blog for a refresher on what gets fired together gets wired together.) Imagine if your child has the thought - 'Organizing - oh, no big deal, short amount of time, fun beverage and no drama -  a life long useful habit!  Using words like tolerate gets to the heart of the matter.  They don't wanna, they don't feel like it, AND they can tolerate stuff for a prescribed amount of time.)

Child: (eye roll, snort, groan, sigh) - 20 minutes. (Kids usually KNOW what is reasonable-ish, not always, but inviting them to come up with part of the solution is respectful and generally effective.)

Parent: Got it.  I will set at timer for 15 and then we can put things to rights with the last 5 minutes.  (A key organizing tool is to keep time & energy for putting donate stuff in bag, chucking un-sorted items into a bin, throwing out trash and just generally to and fro-ing all the stuff that doesn't belong in the room.  A BIG mistake is to work for 20 minutes and then have junk all in the hallway in unclear piles.)

Tune in next week at the same Balanced - time, same Balanced-channel (blog)* and we'll hear how our parent/child is getting along tidying up that bedroom!

* You guys remember this?  LOVED!

Organized Child - Urban Myth or True Story?

Photo by Big Cheese/Big Cheese Photo / Getty Images

Some kids are organized, some kids are neat, some kids are hot messes, some kids are organized about one thing and hot messes about others, some kids are always on time, some kids wake up at the first sound of an alarm clock, some kids are snooze-a- holics, some kids study, some kids wing it, some kids start a long term project the day they get it, some kids start a long term project the day before its due.  You guys, hell0? Do you see that I can change the words kids to people or us? This is US, this is YOU, this is your SPOUSE, this is ME.  Isn't it amazing that we are so far from perfect but we want our kids to be?  

Organizing & Children:  I feel a series coming on . . . there are so many, many topics for kids/stuff/organizing.  Let's start with this little nugget of neuroscience, what gets fired together gets wired together*.  When we yell, fuss, dominate, scream, shame and blame over chores and tidying up our kids might not be attracted to, want to, be able to, be inspired to do chores or tidying up.  See what got fired together (tidying up, organizing + yelling, shaming, blaming) got wired together (ick, stay away, don't help, unpleasant task, stress, never ending, shame).

I know this from actual experience.  I WAS the mom that let the playroom go and go and get messier and messier and grosser and messier until I had it and then, I am not even joking, I would stand there with a garbage bag and yell at those small children, "I am DONATING EVERYTHING that doesn't get PICKED up NOW!"  Sigh . .. . (right? and I am BOTH an Organizer AND Parent Educator - the universe can be be vindictive and mean).

If we want to lead our children into getting and staying organized we might want to try a few new techniques.  I'm not saying that you can't freak out with a large black garbage bag every now and then.  The parental over-reaction and dramatic dance has it's time, place and usefulness, but as an every day strategy - well, not so much.

Come back next week to learn what to say when you want to help a kid tidy their room (Yes! I will lay out an ACTUAL script).  

*From the fabulous  book - "No-Drama Discipline", Dan Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson.

Underused Parenting Tools (+ an update)

UPDATE: Remember the blog - about my eyeliner - Why Do We Do This To Ourselves?  Well, I have heard from a lot of you that you are LOVING your new stash of underwear, and fresh non fraying towels, and you know what?  SO AM I.  I bought all new towels the DAY BEFORE I posted that blog because I had to walk the talk, man!  Also, I finally purchased that eyeliner pencil sharpener (for under $5.00) and now my eyeliner is smooth and beautiful.  Keep sharing the stories and the inspiration!

Photo by 79mtk/iStock / Getty Images

Last week we looked at our go to Problem Solving techniques - did you notice how you always grab a hammer (niceness) when you might want to try a saw (firmness)?  I don't like to leave you hanging so below is the October Parenting in the Park article (published in the Glover Park Gazette)  filled with Underused Parenting Tools.  Try one now, save one for later!

Underused Parenting Tools

We’ve all heard the statistic, we only use 10% of our brain capacity.  After almost a decade of leading parenting classes, I have concluded that parents use 10% of all possible parenting tools (maybe even less).  Stern talking, taking away things, yelling, repeating ourselves, shame, blame and lecturing are our most popular techniques.  But guys, there’s a big wide world of parenting strategies out there!  Let’s explore, shall we?

Sleep:  Yours, theirs, ours.  Sleep IS a parenting tool.  Now we can’t MAKE anyone got to sleep but we can tidy up our sleep routines.  Consistent bed time (YOU too!).  Devices off one hour before bedtime and plugged in overnight in a NON Bedroom.  Only a couple sleepovers per month for the kiddos.  Keep weeknight grown-up events to jut a few a month.  Sleep improves our focus, our emotional regulation, keeps us fitter and trimmer and expands our patience.

Exercising:  Yours, theirs, ours.  Seriously, YOU working out is a way to improve your parenting game.  Even a 10 minute walk around the block will clear your head and generate optimism.  Physical activity has a way of sweeping away our blues and makes us feel less sorry for ourselves and gets endorphins flowing.  We are lucky in Glover Park to have parks and woods to enjoy and play in.  EVERYONE behaves better when they have been aired and fluffed.

Listening:  Sit down, take a deep breath, and stick with me on this.  We can NOT read our child’s (or spouse’s, or bosses’, or friend’s, or mother’s) mind.   GASP, I know!  Ask a question and then listen. We all behave from our beliefs and interpretations.  Guess what?  Our beliefs and interpretations are different from our kid’s (WHAT?!).  I speak the truth.   Really knowing what our kids think help us to effectively lead them.  We learn about them, they feel respected, together we come up with better solutions.   Then, you know what happens?  They tell us more stuff because we listen, we learn, they feel respected, we come up with better solutions together. Lather, rinse, repeat!

Together, let’s get outside to walk and play, listen to or kids (or spouse, or friend, or mother), and go to bed early.  With all that sleep, outside time and new information our relationships are bound to be lighter, more fun, and more productive.  No yelling necessary!

Problem Solving

Photo by zjzpp163/iStock / Getty Images

A man is on a journey to the mountain top for enlightenment.  He finds himself on one side of a wide and deep lake.  He looks around, builds himself a raft and gets across dry and safe.  So pleased with himself and his problem solving, he straps that raft to his back and continues his climb.  Although he finds nary a lake, river, stream or creek, he does not let go of the raft.  The raft is heavy, cumbersome and slows him way down on his road to enlightenment.  

Adapted from a Buddhist tale.

Here's what we do people, we find one fabulous way to solve a problem and then we do that over and over and over. We keep lugging our metaphorical raft,  in spite of the fact there are tools that are more nimble, efficient, use less effort and are more effective.   Do you spot your particular raft from the list below?  

(I group them in pairs because I have found if we do one, we usually AVOID the other.  In times of stress we do even MORE of the one and stay FURTHER AWAY from the other.  A better, saner, more effective solution usually lies somewhere in-between our go to and our must avoid.)

NICE / MEAN -  If we want something we over nice people to get our way.  We nice, and nice, and do favors and are kind, and extend ourselves, all thinking that one day all those people we have been nice to will repay us in niceness (or good grades, or affection, or clearing the dishwasher, or picking up after themselves, or admiration, or a bonus).  We are extra nice if we feel totally devastated and hurt.  Alternately - if we want something we are aggressive and mean to get our way.  If we are hurt we cut off ties of communication, cloak ourselves in righteousness.  We yell and scream and think people will do what we want because we are so superior and scary.

WORK HARDER / PROCRASTINATE:   If we have a problem we work harder, we burn the midnight oil, we dig in, we try and try and try.  We add more hours to the task, we give up pleasure and exercise and fun because if we work harder we can solve the problem. We focus 174% on the PROBLEM.   Alternately, we pretend the problem isn't there and we procrastinate.  We'll surf the internet until we feel like working on our problem (hah!).  We avoid, we deny, we pretend the problem doesn't exist.  We take a break, we relax - HEY, we deserve it, it's such a BIG problem after all.

GO IT ALONE / HIRE HELP:  If we have a problem we feel a slight sense of shame for having a problem and we go it alone.  We become a one person research team to figure it all out on our own. We don't ask for help, we don't let people know we need help.  We only like the perfect versions of ourself so we white knuckle our way, we act like an expert, we don't MOVE until we have all the answers, got it figured out, know our final destination.  Alternately, we hire people, coaches, gurus, buy books, join seminars, listen to podcasts, consider alternatives and talk and talk and talk.  We figure if we purchase a coach then we can go back to relaxing because that investment should just grow and multiply and solve the problem on its own.

What's your poison?  What's your go to raft?  Let's take a minute and look at the actual terrain we are on, unstrap the raft off our back, give ourselves a break and try something new.

Jet Fuel GETS Us Going!

Distressing emotions can launch us, AND we need to create a lovely shuttle to travel in.

These days we focus A LOT on positive thinking, positive emotions and todays parents work our butts off making sure our kids never feel any shame, pain, hurt, disappointment, regret, longing, etc. Heck, we work hard to avoid feeling overwhelmed, anxious, sad or disappointed ourselves!  

BUT, maybe, just maybe we have thrown the baby out with the bath water. It came to me in a flash that those negative, sad and depressing feelings we try to avoid, at all costs, might just be the jet fuel that get us MOVING. Ever been heart broken for so long that you can't stand it and you finally decide to train for a 5k? Or you are so sick of being broke, in debt , and feeling bad about yourself that you MOVE towards making financial changes? Or have yelled at your kid one too many times, and then laid awake at 3:42 am regretting the yelling, so you sign up for a parenting class because you know there has got to be better way?

The anguish is jet fuel. It gets us MOVING!

HOWEVER -- the jet fuel gets us to lift off, but doesn't keep us in orbit.  We need a good shuttle design for that. That means we must nurture good relationships, open, direct and respectful communication. Our shuttle needs to be brimming with self-care (working out, sleeping, eating well and having fun). We need to travel somewhere comfortable and safe (we talk to ourselves, for the most part, with compassion & humor). You see if our space shuttle ONLY has jet fuel to get it moving, it won't work, we won't survive -- we'll lift off and crash, lift off and crash, lift off and crash.

Here's a little more bad news, we each have our own particular brand of jet fuel. Do you know what that means? It means our disappointment won't be the jet fuel for our children (or our spouse or our co-worker). THEY have to have their own disappointment (or shame or pain).  I guarantee, or your money back,  the things that make US feel bad will be different then what makes THEM feel bad.  (UGH!)

The point isn't to create pain, disappointment or shame. The point is to notice it and USE IT to propel us into a new orbit. The point is also to realize that our jet fuel can't make our kids move. We can't light them up with our jet fuel, nor should we try to protect them from their own.  Our job is to make our shuttle, and their space shuttle, comforting, productive and lovely places to see the view.

Why Am I ALWAYS Late? (Margins, Buffers, White Space & Reality)

Anyone else having trouble making the switch from "island" (summer) time to real, regular, gotta be somewhere on time, time? Because I am having trouble, this is gonna be a quick post.  Two things that get in our way . . . . 

NUMBER ONE - we don't create margins/buffers/white space around each activity.  If you are realistic and look at what you have assigned yourself (or life has assigned you) for the week you will probably find you are over booked.  The margins, buffers and white space are what keep you cheerful, positive, optimistic, and give you a fighting chance.  Dude, there IS traffic, there WILL ALWAYS BE traffic.  In the middle of the night you might be able to get from point A to point B in 20 minutes, but by the light of day you KNOW there will be construction,  and you know you will forget something, and maybe the Presidential motorcade shuts down 17th Street (hi, this was me last night!)  PLAN FOR IT.  We make ourselves crazy, we yell at our kids, we shame our spouses when we don't have margin/buffer/white space.   Everyone please take two things OFF your calendar for this coming 7 days, then add in 10 minutes to ALL of your estimated car trips.  Call me next week, tell me all the delicious things that happened to you in those margins, buffers, and white spaces. 

NUMBER TWO - we are not realistic.  We are working full time and sign up to volunteer like we have 20 extra hours a week.  Or we enroll in a class, but don't add in the 12 hours of studying PER WEEK we need to complete to get the A we are looking for.  Maybe we LOVE to agree to do things, that moment of possibility, but we never actually get to doing the THING we said we'd do.  Or we might over book, double book and then spend a bunch of our time re-scheduling, re-jiggering, apologizing and feeling bad about ourselves.  The time you have is the time you have.  Wishing, hoping, acting as if, dreaming, that you have more time ain't gonna make it so.  So do yourself, your family, your kids, your spouse, your fellow drivers a favor and be realistic.  Remember new realities get thrown at us every day -- we get a fever or a sinus infection and our energy is low. Our spouse or child gets injured and suddenly we have to do much more nursing/driving/caring for people then we were used to. So be realistic with YOUR current reality (and the real one, not the one you wished you had, or the one from last month, or the one you dream will be in the future!).  And you guys, reality is WAY more fun then you think!

Habits And Routines Are For Losers!

Photo by Tomasz Trojanowski/Hemera / Getty Images

Routines have a really nerdy reputation.   You know, dorks use them, our Grandma used them, they are for losers.  You guys, give these nerdy guys a CHANCE.  Once you get to know a routine, you will see they are actually way cooler then they appeared at first glance.  Take off those thick glasses, plop in some contacts and bada boo bada bing your life just got easier, more efficient, productive and relaxing.

Say WHAT?

It's true, I speak the gospel, routines and habits are holy and fabulous and once you embrace a few you'll call me and say, "Paaaaiiiiiiggggeeeeee, WHY didn't you tell me about this sooner!?"  And I'll be all like, "Yo, I think I told you about routines. . .  but maybe you didn't hear me?"

Habits and routines are made of three parts:  a trigger, an action, and a reward.  

UNPRODUCTIVE HABIT - it's time to sit down and write a blog post or an essay or any other old thing I need to write:   Trigger - feelings of anxiety, inferiority, fear.   Thoughts of  "I have nothing to say!" Sit at computer with Safari page open.  Action - surf the internet to celebrity stalk, surf Facebook, feel bad about self, spouse, children, vacation choices, click and click and click.  Keep clicking until I find someone (celebrity or Facebook friend) who I feel superior to.   Embrace and enjoy the judgmental feelings about how stupid they are.  Reward - feelings of superiority, or I throw on the comfortable old feelings of inferiority and being less then.  Generate feelings so bad I need both Ben N Jerry to help me feel better (or caffeine, or more clicking, or a nap, or a glass of wine).  Feelings of anxiety are clicked, eaten or drunk away.  

So often we dive right into the action and just try to yell and shame ourselves into doing the thing we've been avoiding for 30 + plus years.  How's it been working folks?  Yelling and shaming and blaming has it's place, but not usually when trying to coax our brains into a new habit. Ever tried  seduction people.  We can create lovely, life enhancing and calorie free triggers that lead us to the action and then bada boo bada bing - a new KIND of reward.  Let's review!

PRODUCTIVE HABIT - it's time to sit down and write a blog post, or an essay or any other old thing I need to write.  Trigger - feelings of anxiety, scented candle lit, spa music playing in the background, the i phone on 'airplane mode' and timer set for 25 minutes.  Mixed in with the old thoughts of "I have nothing to say!" a few new thoughts pop up -  I love the smell of that candle, I feel like I'm at Elizabeth Arden, I can do almost anything for 25 minutes.  Action - open up blank document, anxiety, spa music, candle, sitting down and showing up.  Feelings mixed of satisfaction due to following through on what I said I would do.   Still some anxiety.  Notice that no phone is beeping, buzzing or nudging me.   Type a bit, "Oh my gosh -- good idea! The sentences are flowing.  Um, this one isn't exactly right, but I'll write it anyway because I'm pretty sure I'll show up again tomorrow for 25 minutes."  Keep typing.  Timer rings.  Reward - Feeling of being capable, of being trustworthy, of following through.  Creativity flowing, possibilities bouncing around, energy released.  Feelings of anxiety floating away in a 25 minute productivity bubble.

WORDS OF CAUTION:  While the habit builds I will have to tolerate a mixed  bag of both unproductive habit and productive habit.  I can't give up after a couple of days of internet stalking.  A few months later I might find I spend more times in the productive habit mode then I do in the unproductive habit mode.  Bada boo, bada bing  . . . a new habit has taken hold.  Now how about the laundry?!

Homework Hassles

They’re baaaackkkkkkk!  Homework hassles are back.  Anyone gritting their teeth and saying, “This year it’s GONNA be different”?  It’s a fresh start, a new you, spanking clean spirals, freshened up back packs, sanitized lunch pails, all is right with the world.  Fast forward a week, or two – forgotten assignments, overdue library books, obsessive checking on EdLine, unauthorized phone use by children.  Spiral of defeat and sadness.  Yelling, nagging, threatening ensue.  Is it 2014 again?  No, it’s EARLY in the 2015/2016 school year, we still have a chance Nifty Tippers! 

Devices:  Get technology tamed early in the game.  Come up with family boundaries (that means you too!).  Here are some ideas to spark your thinking: everyone phone free from 7-9:30, lap tops in public spaces, computers off 30 minutes before bed, tv watching only Thursday – Sunday, phones spend the night together in the kitchen.  These are not the rules, they are jumping off points for you and your family to discuss.  People (including kids) follow the rules if they help make the rules.  Try this,  “Ok folks, this is an experiment just Sunday night – Friday morning, we can all live with that, right?” Much easier to tolerate a new idea if it’s only for a limited number of days.  After a few weeks of experimentation you might find a happy middle ground for you and the kiddos.

Homework Help: I know how satisfying it is to edit that term paper, give your child some nifty tips, or instruct them to re-write something because you know they can write more neatly.  Homework is really a tool for the student and the teacher.  It’s very disrespectful to assume the child does not have it handled.  Consider also that it’s a real relationship drain when we try to be the parent, and the tutor, and the teacher, and the cheer leader, and the copy editor, and the calendar minder.  You are the parent.  Be available to support, listen, love, laugh and buy school supplies.  Ask what reminders might be useful to them and then focus on your own big life.

It takes a village:  Kids really do run into trouble.  Don’t take it all on yourself.  If you’ve butted out of the homework and things are nose-diving – go talk to the teacher, the school counselor, the class aide.  Think of these conversations as being more then one complete and satisfying event.  Gather information, leave with some new ideas, let questions and comments percolate.  Children are unfolding – you can’t solve it all NOW (as much as you want to).  Teachers can’t solve it all now(as much as you want them to). 

Again, your kids homework is for your kids.  Allowing kids to experiment, struggle, fail, succeed, work too hard, procrastinate, be a perfectionist, lose things, find things, triumph and ultimately learn something is a labor of love. 

Originally published in the September 2015 issue of the Glover Park Gazette.