Problem Solving

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A man is on a journey to the mountain top for enlightenment.  He finds himself on one side of a wide and deep lake.  He looks around, builds himself a raft and gets across dry and safe.  So pleased with himself and his problem solving, he straps that raft to his back and continues his climb.  Although he finds nary a lake, river, stream or creek, he does not let go of the raft.  The raft is heavy, cumbersome and slows him way down on his road to enlightenment.  

Adapted from a Buddhist tale.

Here's what we do people, we find one fabulous way to solve a problem and then we do that over and over and over. We keep lugging our metaphorical raft,  in spite of the fact there are tools that are more nimble, efficient, use less effort and are more effective.   Do you spot your particular raft from the list below?  

(I group them in pairs because I have found if we do one, we usually AVOID the other.  In times of stress we do even MORE of the one and stay FURTHER AWAY from the other.  A better, saner, more effective solution usually lies somewhere in-between our go to and our must avoid.)

NICE / MEAN -  If we want something we over nice people to get our way.  We nice, and nice, and do favors and are kind, and extend ourselves, all thinking that one day all those people we have been nice to will repay us in niceness (or good grades, or affection, or clearing the dishwasher, or picking up after themselves, or admiration, or a bonus).  We are extra nice if we feel totally devastated and hurt.  Alternately - if we want something we are aggressive and mean to get our way.  If we are hurt we cut off ties of communication, cloak ourselves in righteousness.  We yell and scream and think people will do what we want because we are so superior and scary.

WORK HARDER / PROCRASTINATE:   If we have a problem we work harder, we burn the midnight oil, we dig in, we try and try and try.  We add more hours to the task, we give up pleasure and exercise and fun because if we work harder we can solve the problem. We focus 174% on the PROBLEM.   Alternately, we pretend the problem isn't there and we procrastinate.  We'll surf the internet until we feel like working on our problem (hah!).  We avoid, we deny, we pretend the problem doesn't exist.  We take a break, we relax - HEY, we deserve it, it's such a BIG problem after all.

GO IT ALONE / HIRE HELP:  If we have a problem we feel a slight sense of shame for having a problem and we go it alone.  We become a one person research team to figure it all out on our own. We don't ask for help, we don't let people know we need help.  We only like the perfect versions of ourself so we white knuckle our way, we act like an expert, we don't MOVE until we have all the answers, got it figured out, know our final destination.  Alternately, we hire people, coaches, gurus, buy books, join seminars, listen to podcasts, consider alternatives and talk and talk and talk.  We figure if we purchase a coach then we can go back to relaxing because that investment should just grow and multiply and solve the problem on its own.

What's your poison?  What's your go to raft?  Let's take a minute and look at the actual terrain we are on, unstrap the raft off our back, give ourselves a break and try something new.

Jet Fuel GETS Us Going!

Distressing emotions can launch us, AND we need to create a lovely shuttle to travel in.

These days we focus A LOT on positive thinking, positive emotions and todays parents work our butts off making sure our kids never feel any shame, pain, hurt, disappointment, regret, longing, etc. Heck, we work hard to avoid feeling overwhelmed, anxious, sad or disappointed ourselves!  

BUT, maybe, just maybe we have thrown the baby out with the bath water. It came to me in a flash that those negative, sad and depressing feelings we try to avoid, at all costs, might just be the jet fuel that get us MOVING. Ever been heart broken for so long that you can't stand it and you finally decide to train for a 5k? Or you are so sick of being broke, in debt , and feeling bad about yourself that you MOVE towards making financial changes? Or have yelled at your kid one too many times, and then laid awake at 3:42 am regretting the yelling, so you sign up for a parenting class because you know there has got to be better way?

The anguish is jet fuel. It gets us MOVING!

HOWEVER -- the jet fuel gets us to lift off, but doesn't keep us in orbit.  We need a good shuttle design for that. That means we must nurture good relationships, open, direct and respectful communication. Our shuttle needs to be brimming with self-care (working out, sleeping, eating well and having fun). We need to travel somewhere comfortable and safe (we talk to ourselves, for the most part, with compassion & humor). You see if our space shuttle ONLY has jet fuel to get it moving, it won't work, we won't survive -- we'll lift off and crash, lift off and crash, lift off and crash.

Here's a little more bad news, we each have our own particular brand of jet fuel. Do you know what that means? It means our disappointment won't be the jet fuel for our children (or our spouse or our co-worker). THEY have to have their own disappointment (or shame or pain).  I guarantee, or your money back,  the things that make US feel bad will be different then what makes THEM feel bad.  (UGH!)

The point isn't to create pain, disappointment or shame. The point is to notice it and USE IT to propel us into a new orbit. The point is also to realize that our jet fuel can't make our kids move. We can't light them up with our jet fuel, nor should we try to protect them from their own.  Our job is to make our shuttle, and their space shuttle, comforting, productive and lovely places to see the view.

Why Am I ALWAYS Late? (Margins, Buffers, White Space & Reality)

Anyone else having trouble making the switch from "island" (summer) time to real, regular, gotta be somewhere on time, time? Because I am having trouble, this is gonna be a quick post.  Two things that get in our way . . . . 

NUMBER ONE - we don't create margins/buffers/white space around each activity.  If you are realistic and look at what you have assigned yourself (or life has assigned you) for the week you will probably find you are over booked.  The margins, buffers and white space are what keep you cheerful, positive, optimistic, and give you a fighting chance.  Dude, there IS traffic, there WILL ALWAYS BE traffic.  In the middle of the night you might be able to get from point A to point B in 20 minutes, but by the light of day you KNOW there will be construction,  and you know you will forget something, and maybe the Presidential motorcade shuts down 17th Street (hi, this was me last night!)  PLAN FOR IT.  We make ourselves crazy, we yell at our kids, we shame our spouses when we don't have margin/buffer/white space.   Everyone please take two things OFF your calendar for this coming 7 days, then add in 10 minutes to ALL of your estimated car trips.  Call me next week, tell me all the delicious things that happened to you in those margins, buffers, and white spaces. 

NUMBER TWO - we are not realistic.  We are working full time and sign up to volunteer like we have 20 extra hours a week.  Or we enroll in a class, but don't add in the 12 hours of studying PER WEEK we need to complete to get the A we are looking for.  Maybe we LOVE to agree to do things, that moment of possibility, but we never actually get to doing the THING we said we'd do.  Or we might over book, double book and then spend a bunch of our time re-scheduling, re-jiggering, apologizing and feeling bad about ourselves.  The time you have is the time you have.  Wishing, hoping, acting as if, dreaming, that you have more time ain't gonna make it so.  So do yourself, your family, your kids, your spouse, your fellow drivers a favor and be realistic.  Remember new realities get thrown at us every day -- we get a fever or a sinus infection and our energy is low. Our spouse or child gets injured and suddenly we have to do much more nursing/driving/caring for people then we were used to. So be realistic with YOUR current reality (and the real one, not the one you wished you had, or the one from last month, or the one you dream will be in the future!).  And you guys, reality is WAY more fun then you think!

Habits And Routines Are For Losers!

Photo by Tomasz Trojanowski/Hemera / Getty Images

Routines have a really nerdy reputation.   You know, dorks use them, our Grandma used them, they are for losers.  You guys, give these nerdy guys a CHANCE.  Once you get to know a routine, you will see they are actually way cooler then they appeared at first glance.  Take off those thick glasses, plop in some contacts and bada boo bada bing your life just got easier, more efficient, productive and relaxing.

Say WHAT?

It's true, I speak the gospel, routines and habits are holy and fabulous and once you embrace a few you'll call me and say, "Paaaaiiiiiiggggeeeeee, WHY didn't you tell me about this sooner!?"  And I'll be all like, "Yo, I think I told you about routines. . .  but maybe you didn't hear me?"

Habits and routines are made of three parts:  a trigger, an action, and a reward.  

UNPRODUCTIVE HABIT - it's time to sit down and write a blog post or an essay or any other old thing I need to write:   Trigger - feelings of anxiety, inferiority, fear.   Thoughts of  "I have nothing to say!" Sit at computer with Safari page open.  Action - surf the internet to celebrity stalk, surf Facebook, feel bad about self, spouse, children, vacation choices, click and click and click.  Keep clicking until I find someone (celebrity or Facebook friend) who I feel superior to.   Embrace and enjoy the judgmental feelings about how stupid they are.  Reward - feelings of superiority, or I throw on the comfortable old feelings of inferiority and being less then.  Generate feelings so bad I need both Ben N Jerry to help me feel better (or caffeine, or more clicking, or a nap, or a glass of wine).  Feelings of anxiety are clicked, eaten or drunk away.  

So often we dive right into the action and just try to yell and shame ourselves into doing the thing we've been avoiding for 30 + plus years.  How's it been working folks?  Yelling and shaming and blaming has it's place, but not usually when trying to coax our brains into a new habit. Ever tried  seduction people.  We can create lovely, life enhancing and calorie free triggers that lead us to the action and then bada boo bada bing - a new KIND of reward.  Let's review!

PRODUCTIVE HABIT - it's time to sit down and write a blog post, or an essay or any other old thing I need to write.  Trigger - feelings of anxiety, scented candle lit, spa music playing in the background, the i phone on 'airplane mode' and timer set for 25 minutes.  Mixed in with the old thoughts of "I have nothing to say!" a few new thoughts pop up -  I love the smell of that candle, I feel like I'm at Elizabeth Arden, I can do almost anything for 25 minutes.  Action - open up blank document, anxiety, spa music, candle, sitting down and showing up.  Feelings mixed of satisfaction due to following through on what I said I would do.   Still some anxiety.  Notice that no phone is beeping, buzzing or nudging me.   Type a bit, "Oh my gosh -- good idea! The sentences are flowing.  Um, this one isn't exactly right, but I'll write it anyway because I'm pretty sure I'll show up again tomorrow for 25 minutes."  Keep typing.  Timer rings.  Reward - Feeling of being capable, of being trustworthy, of following through.  Creativity flowing, possibilities bouncing around, energy released.  Feelings of anxiety floating away in a 25 minute productivity bubble.

WORDS OF CAUTION:  While the habit builds I will have to tolerate a mixed  bag of both unproductive habit and productive habit.  I can't give up after a couple of days of internet stalking.  A few months later I might find I spend more times in the productive habit mode then I do in the unproductive habit mode.  Bada boo, bada bing  . . . a new habit has taken hold.  Now how about the laundry?!

Homework Hassles

They’re baaaackkkkkkk!  Homework hassles are back.  Anyone gritting their teeth and saying, “This year it’s GONNA be different”?  It’s a fresh start, a new you, spanking clean spirals, freshened up back packs, sanitized lunch pails, all is right with the world.  Fast forward a week, or two – forgotten assignments, overdue library books, obsessive checking on EdLine, unauthorized phone use by children.  Spiral of defeat and sadness.  Yelling, nagging, threatening ensue.  Is it 2014 again?  No, it’s EARLY in the 2015/2016 school year, we still have a chance Nifty Tippers! 

Devices:  Get technology tamed early in the game.  Come up with family boundaries (that means you too!).  Here are some ideas to spark your thinking: everyone phone free from 7-9:30, lap tops in public spaces, computers off 30 minutes before bed, tv watching only Thursday – Sunday, phones spend the night together in the kitchen.  These are not the rules, they are jumping off points for you and your family to discuss.  People (including kids) follow the rules if they help make the rules.  Try this,  “Ok folks, this is an experiment just Sunday night – Friday morning, we can all live with that, right?” Much easier to tolerate a new idea if it’s only for a limited number of days.  After a few weeks of experimentation you might find a happy middle ground for you and the kiddos.

Homework Help: I know how satisfying it is to edit that term paper, give your child some nifty tips, or instruct them to re-write something because you know they can write more neatly.  Homework is really a tool for the student and the teacher.  It’s very disrespectful to assume the child does not have it handled.  Consider also that it’s a real relationship drain when we try to be the parent, and the tutor, and the teacher, and the cheer leader, and the copy editor, and the calendar minder.  You are the parent.  Be available to support, listen, love, laugh and buy school supplies.  Ask what reminders might be useful to them and then focus on your own big life.

It takes a village:  Kids really do run into trouble.  Don’t take it all on yourself.  If you’ve butted out of the homework and things are nose-diving – go talk to the teacher, the school counselor, the class aide.  Think of these conversations as being more then one complete and satisfying event.  Gather information, leave with some new ideas, let questions and comments percolate.  Children are unfolding – you can’t solve it all NOW (as much as you want to).  Teachers can’t solve it all now(as much as you want them to). 

Again, your kids homework is for your kids.  Allowing kids to experiment, struggle, fail, succeed, work too hard, procrastinate, be a perfectionist, lose things, find things, triumph and ultimately learn something is a labor of love. 

Originally published in the September 2015 issue of the Glover Park Gazette.

5 Myths About Parenting Classes

MYTH 1: Parenting classes are for parents with big problems.

Parenting classes can be great for parents with big challenges and just as great for everyone else. Let's face it, parenting is a lifelong learning process. As soon as you get one age and stage mastered you move on to the next. Most people start going to parenting classes because they are frustrated. They sense there is a better way than nagging, yelling and power struggles. A good parenting class gives you a variety of tools for your relationship tool box to deal with problems big and small. Sarah Hill, a Montessori school teacher in the District, has 22 years of experience teaching children and advising the adults who live with them. Sarah says, "Over the years, after suggesting parenting classes for more positive parenting strategies, the results and responses are great. Parents feel the classes make them more confident and positive about their parenting skills. They also comment that they enjoy talking to other adults who have similar experiences with their children."

MYTH 2: I parent intuitively - what's the big deal about parenting?

That's true! And there is so much to be learned in a parenting class. For example, parents often spend a lot of their time and energy trying to stop behaviors that are irritating but developmentally normal. When they learn that saying, "No" emphatically over and over is normal for a 2-year-old, parents can ignore the "No" and move on to training the 2-year-old to pour a glass of milk or put on her shoes or pick up her toys. Knowing that teens roll their eyes can keep parents focused on listening to their teen, teaching her to drive or cook, all while being confident that the eye roll is just a normal teen tic and she will eventually grow out of it. Jodi Ferrier, a Washington mother of three, says, "The best thing I got out of going to a parenting class was realizing that other parents were dealing with similar issues and that so many tough stages are developmental."

MYTH 3: I don't want to share my family life with a bunch of strangers.

You don't have to spill the beans, air the dirty laundry or confess anything in a parenting class. You can just show up and listen but, if you feel like helping others, sharing your stories and wrestling with your issues is one of the most generous things you can do for other parents. In class you learn that most of your deep, dark parenting secrets are actually very common issues. What a relief! The strongest and most poignant bond between folks at parenting classes is that they love their kids very, very much. The support and encouragement participants get from class can be energizing and useful to take home. Knowing you aren't alone can relieve a lot of parenting angst. Jennifer Kogan, a licensed independent clinical social worker who offers individual, couple and family coaching and counseling to parents in her Northwest Washington practice, says, "Often, we live far from our extended families so we don't have a built-in support system. Parents can be very hard on themselves and often think that everyone else is doing just fine. The truth is that we are all vulnerable at different times during this journey and everyone needs a little help sometimes. Speaking up and asking for what you need can be the bravest and the most rewarding thing for a parent to do."

MYTH 4: Parenting classes take too long and I'm too busy.

They do take too long and you are too busy and it's a major inconvenience to take a class. Sometimes, however, what's most efficient in the short term does not get you the results you want over the long term. Consider all the time you spend yelling, reminding, nagging and cajoling, and it might add up to a few wasted hours. Those hours might be better spent in a parenting class or workshop that will give you the support and new ideas you need in order to practice patience and understanding while upholding your limits on your children's behavior-all skills parents need for long-term success. Knowing you aren't alone, knowing that you do some of this parenting job really well, learning a few tips from a professional or another parent pays huge dividends in your everyday life. Lisa Resch, a Washington, D.C., mother of two, says, "I was reluctant to sign up for a parenting class because I thought it would be stressful and potentially awkward but I loved it! I took three consecutive classes and was really sad when they ended. The most unexpected thing that happened in parenting class was meeting other parents who shared similar experiences and child rearing challenges. "

MYTH 5: Parenting classes are for people who don't know what they are doing.

None of us really knows what we are doing. We take childbirth classes, driving classes, cooking classes and computer classes; parenting classes should be viewed in the same way. Parenting is a lifelong journey, so why not get a little help on the way? Jodi Ferrier sums it up succinctly: "The most unexpected thing that happened in parenting class . . . I wanted to take more parenting classes!"

Article originally published in Washington Parent, January 2013.

Beware Vacation Photos: A Picture is Worth a 1000 Words (and edits out a 1000 others)

BACKGROUND:  I was on vacation for two weeks in the Canadian Rockies.  I plan vacations in the northern regions of our great continent to escape the heat and humidity of DC.  Being cool (as in temperature) is a real priority for me. I take weather very, VERY personally.  Like the rain is happening TO ME.  The humidity is all about ME.   I can't really relax on vacation until it's a perfect sunny day, 78 degrees, light winds from the north east.  

Photo #1:  Icefields Parkway, Alberta, Canada

PHOTO #1:  It's 78 degrees with a fabulous cold wind coming from the GLACIER across the road.  I was so happy with myself and my family and our friends, I was overflowing.   I snapped this pic and sent it to my brother and sister.  They responded with adulation and enthusiasm, which I appreciated.  But the main event was my abundant feelings of well being.  A perfect mix of  hiking, being with my kids and fresh air.  While the feedback from the pic was nice, it wasn't as nice as where I was.

Photo #2:  Glacier Lake National Park, Montana, USA

PHOTO #2:  Isn't this beautiful?    Aren't you the teeniest bit envious?  Behind the camera though I was hot and sweaty and grumpy.  There was a heat wave.  My 78 degrees had turned to 93 degrees with a billion percent humidity and half a trillion other hikers on MY trail.  I'm not sharing this to complain, the point is that I was actually feeling very cheated that my perfect vacation was being invaded by a heat wave (and OTHER people).  So I decided to get a cheap thrill by sending this photo to a bunch of people.  They responded by saying how beautiful it was and fabulous and this sorta filled up my hot, humid and disappointed cup.  

Photo #3:  Waterton Lakes, Glacier National Park, Alberta, Canada

PHOTO #3:  Our trip continued, and like all trips, some of it was fabulous and some of it was disappointing and some of it was annoying and some of it was glorious.   I noticed the more content I was with my reality the less compelled I was to share it.  I could just live it, contentedly.   The more  let down I was by my reality the more I wanted positive feedback from people.  So I snapped finely framed photos, editing out the parts that sucked.  I sent this photo on the last day of our trip.  This final stop on our two week sojourn was touristy and hot and I did not like it.  Our motel was kinda grungy, smelled bad, and the 'view' was a joke.  Dinner was a disappointment, the beer list was lacking, the ice cream joint was meh.  And did I mention it was hot and HUMID.  IN CANADA.   I shot this on a morning stroll and sent it off looking for the feel good juice because I could crop out all the bitterness and wait for  the oohs and ahhhs from the texts to lift my drooping (and hot)  spirits.

FINAL THOUGHTS:  Vacation photos are fun.  I love sharing them, I love looking at other peoples.  I'm inspired by where all my fun friends go, and I'm the teeniest bit jealous. And then, I remember that in every photo there are disappointing, grungy, beer list lacking, and humid parts edited out. Just like in each and every one of our photos!

Disaster Ahead!

Photo by hxdbzxy/iStock / Getty Images

Yo! Parents, people, caregivers, friends, relatives and countrymen.  Summer is almost over, the school year is beginning.  It's usually equal parts dreaming of a perfect future and fretting over upcoming disasters.  Scary thoughts are so compelling that we often hitch our brain train to them and off we go on  rails of doubt, doom and disaster.  It's an easy thing to do AND it's not good for us, not good for our kids and not good for our sleep (and boy do we need sleep).  Below are a few quotes to jolt us off the worry tracks.   We can take our hot and unflattering disaster suits off and practice having faith that thoughts are not reality and when an inevitable disaster hits. . . . we'll all be able to handle it!

Our worry about possible disaster in no way prevents it.  We can only deal with trouble after it happens.   Our best refuge is to have confidence in our children and to take it easy until such time as our talents for coping with disaster are really called upon.  Rudolf Dreikurs

Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.  Leo Buscaglia

I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.  Mark Twain

The Only Shocking Part of That Story is that you are shocked

Oh no the didn't . . . !

I really counted on my sister A LOT when I had my babies.  Her babies were a couple years older then my babies, and she is far more mellow, chill, realistic and reasonable then I am.  I called her once daily -- at minimum.

Also, she's hilarious, irreverent and has real mid-western common sense.  I called her about some drama or another, I honestly can't remember the topic, and she listened. I'm sure it was a repeat drama.  Like I had called her 47 times already with different variations on a theme.  Anyway, she listened, she paused, she said, "Well, the only shocking part of that story is that you are shocked."  WHAT?  OMG, it stopped me dead in my tracks, jolted my brain out of it's crazy vortex of worry and perfection and brought me right back down to planet earth.  Once the shock passed we laughed and laughed.

After I get to know people in parenting classes I'll use that quote on them.  I need to be sure people get my sense of humor before I unleash that awesome piece of advice on them, it has to be used with love, not judgement

How does this relate to you?  I'm so glad you asked! Here are common things we all are shocked by and frankly, as my sister says, "The only shocking part of that story is that you are shocked!" Let's break this sucker down by age.  (Please read through to the end, even if you have little ones).

0-2 1/2:  You are tired.  They cry a lot.  You don't know what to do. You cry a lot.  It's equal parts excruciatingly boring and excruciatingly joyful.  Diapers are expensive.  Your back hurts. They go to the Dr's a lot.  Plastic crap starts multiplying in your house while you are sleeping.  They can't help you DO one gosh durn thang!  They can't tell you what's wrong (the cause of their crying).  The bouncy seat, sling, new formula, cutting out cabbage from your diet, lavender oil, spa music will not necessarily stop the crying.  They cry a lot (worth repeating, it's shocking, I know, I understand).

2 1/2 - 5: They have temper tantrums, even when you speak nicely to them, even when you are reasonable, even when you explain things to them, even when you have given them a choice.  They still cry a lot.  They pick up a bad word or two and use it generously.  They don't sleep through the night.  They won't eat anything green (or white, or meat, or yellow, or soft, or hard, or things that touch each other, or things that are warm or cold).  They are unreliable employees - one day they set the table with all the joy and enthusiasm of a cheerleader, the next day they spit on your forks.  

6 - 9:  Fart jokes are hysterical.  They can do chores but they don't wanna.  They might still cry a lot.  Some still have some awesome tantrums.  They are not self-motivated about a lot of things.  They may not have a passion yet, even though that neighbor kid down the block does.  They are not appreciative that you signed them up for swimming (or tennis, or sleep away camp,  or gymnastics, or rec soccer, or drama class, or that reading tutor).  They just wanna do, what they wanna do, when they wanna do it.

10 - 12: They lie (they want you to love and admire them AND they want to do what they want to do AND they want their friends to love and admire them). They love their screens passionately. They don't wanna hear no research on screen addiction that you found on your screen.  They grow at different rates from the ideal (that's both up growing and out growing and mind growing and maturity growing).  Some have questionable grooming habits.  Some have too rigorous grooming habits.  Friends opinions are more important then ours.

12 - 13:  Temper tantrums can creep up again. Remember the bad words in earlier years?  They use those bad words, but super effectively AND with the correct matching hand motions AND they aren't trying to be funny. They kinda, sorta don't wanna  be seen with you.  (NO car dancing, or dancing of any sort for YOU in this age group -- it LITERALLY hurts them). Worries about stuff they won't tell you.

14 - 18:  The might fib some more.  They try drinking and drugs.  They are sexually aware and might be active.  They sleep the day away.  They are professional relaxers. Avoidance is a great way to deal with stress -- for them (social, academic, college, sports, you name it -- growing up is hard to do).  Alternately, they are professional students and achievers and map out their day and set unrealistic expectations for themselves and just over all over achieve. Rare is the parent of teens that brags, "Yeah, my kids got this -- totally balanced, together, good grades, nice amount of friends, AND chill."

19 - 94:  Lying, crying, tantrums, not sleeping through the night, fighting with siblings, professional relaxation, over achievement, screen addiction, fart jokes, unreliable chore doing, picky eating, being tired all might continue, is to be expected. Do NOT be shocked.  

Why do we do this to ourselves?

Photo by belchonock/iStock / Getty Images

I'm putting on my make up the other day and I finally pull out a new eyeliner pencil I got at the Safeway. As I apply it to my bottom eye lids, it goes on smoothly and nicely and doesn't hurt, or stab or scratch.  I can't BELIEVE what I had been putting myself through for LITERALLY months.  Here's how it all went down . . . .

Back in February I got some new make up from Skin Therapy (I love - Susanne!).  The eyeliner pencil started getting stubby after a few weeks, so I used the electric pencil sharpener to get it back nice and ship shape. Whoops, I guess I was supposed to use one of those manual, tiny pencil sharpeners.  The electric sharpener made the pencil chunky and splintery.  Sigh, I wasn't going to see Susanne for a few weeks so I decided I could sort of use one little edgy part of the pencil and most of the time I didn't stab myself.   What happened then was like the poor frog that gets put in cool water and slowly the heat gets turned up until he's boiled, and he hardly noticed a thing.  Just like the frog, I adapted, tolerated, endured and got used to that stupid pencil for months and months.  I had thoughts like, "I should write this down to remember to ask Susanne to buy another one."  "I can't waste my money though, I have to use this one all up (remember the turmeric?)."  "I can't buy one at Safeway (or CVS, or Amazon), I can ONLY use the one authorized by the professional that gives me facials."  "Maybe I should try another sharpener."  "Ouch, ooch, ouch . . . ok that's fine."  "Hmmm. . . maybe just mascara today."

I see people in my organizing practice do this to themselves ALL the time.  Ever notice how much easier to spot problems, flaws and ares of improvement in other people?  I had to stab my eye for months before I realized I was doing the SAME THING I remind, coach, tell and nag my clients NOT TO DO.

Here's an incomplete list of common things we let slide.  Let's all fix one this week, shall we?

Crappy and torn welcome mat.  Worn, fraying, stained towels.  Toys that are broken or have missing pieces (oh, but Paige, they played with it that one time and had soooo much fun). Old, frumpy pajamas. Not enough underwear.  Mis-matched tupperware.  A cupboard filled with EVERY container from EVERY take out food place you have EVER ordered from.  A closet full of reusable bags (and I mean full, sister friends, so full you are afraid to grab one, and they are bunched and unappealing and just . . . ick).  Burned out lightbulbs.  Wrappers, empty coffee cups, mostly empty soda cans, donate bags, change and other miscellaneous debris strewn throughout the car.  No printer near your computer (arrgghhhhhhh!!!!).  Writing checks by hand instead of online banking.  Buying stuff at Costco you don't need because it was a great price.  Wearing your kids old clothes because they fit-ish.  Eating something that has passed its peak because no one else will, and we shouldn't waste.  Old and worn workout shoes.  Unwatered plants, too many pots of unwatered plants (maybe if we purge a few pots we'd water, I can't say for sure, but it's worth a try). 

Do any of these ring a bell?  Strike a nerve? Make you roll your eyes?  Now the temptation is going to be go to tell someone else to fix their crap. . . so much more satisfying to notice and nag others about their flaws and areas of improvement.  BUT let's be grown-ups here, just for a second.  Hey, I'll even start . . . .  I'm going to buy new towels and replace all my burned out light bulbs this week, and you?

Organized, Shmorganized!

Being organized is something we agree we should do, promise ourselves we'll start doing each and every December 31st (or next Monday, or when school starts, or when the stars align, or when the pigs are flying).  But why?  Why be organized?  If we dig deep and think about how being organized makes us feel, how it changes how we talk to ourselves and how we talk to our children or our partners, we find a well of inspiration and energy. Once we get started (the hardest part), energy and motivation magically builds on itself as our closets become tidier our meals start planning themselves, and the car is always gassed up.

What happens when we get organized?  Here's what you can expect:

Cuts down on friction: Ever notice when you are early for something there is no traffic?  When you are late for something everything goes wrong?  I don't know about you, but I'm a blamer, under stress I start hurling blame, shame and pain at anyone and everyone.  My poor family.  If time is managed more effectively there are not as many angry triggers. I act and speak more respectfully to everyone (including myself).   If I get gas every Thursday, no matter what the gauge says - well then every Saturday I'm ready to drive to soccer practice, no checking, no panicking, no pushing the limit, no looking frantically for a credit card, no swear words as I pass a long line at the pump on the way to the field Saturday morning.

Let's your core values shine through:  If a core value is education we create a homework area where supplies, papers, laptops and books can be kept.  We organize it regularly.  We are consistently plucking out the comic books, the Chipotle receipts and the general crap that inevitably, naturally and habitually creeps in.  We right size our kids extra curricular activities and social life to accommodate down time before homework and ample down time after homework to be ready for sleep.  We are consistent about family quiet time in the evening to set the scene for quiet and thinking endeavors.  We model reading and learning and planning ourselves.

Changes your brain: Routines change your brain.  Once you have routinized something your brain does not have to put much effort into completing the task.  Think about diapering a baby.  I don't know about you, but day one diapering my baby took 20 minutes and a lot of thought.  By day 512 I could diaper my baby, while issuing orders to my toddler, all while talking to my sister on the phone. No sweat.  That's the power of routine. Routines work best when you start building one by one and at the top of the list are things you do EVERY day.  When a routine is lodged in your brain it overpowers your fleeting thoughts and feelings of, "I don't feel like it, I'll wait until later" and you find yourself making your bed without even thinking about it.

Helps during stressful times:  When you swipe and swish your bathroom every day (now that's just taking a damp rag and running it over your bathroom, it's NOT getting out cleaners or sponges or scrubbers or toilet bowl cleaner) - then when someone gets the stomach flu they can pray to the porcelain god without being grossed out by icky gross bathroom stuff.  A surprise guest can use the bathroom without you elbowing them on the way up the stairs to be sure it's all flushed and yuck free.  Best of all, you get to use a fresh-ish, hotel-ish, clutter free-ish  bathroom every day, every SINGLE day.  You deserve it!

It's Fun!  With the right attitude,  some practice, and some peppy music (Duran Duran was (is) AWESOME!), a reasonable time limit and enough trash bags - organizing is fun.  It really is.  It's also a strangely satisfying endeavor -- think of organizing as a cheap thrill for your brain and eyes.  

Splish, Splash. . . . Chores

Summer is the PERFECT time to train children in household chores AND let them practice.  Here's some hard won, personal, in the trenches, school of hard knocks lessons I've learned about training and practicing of chores.

The terrain of chores and children is never straight, narrow or smooth. The Chore Road is curvy, loopy,  bumpy, crazy and unpredictable.  Here are 5 particular bumps, curves, and loops to look out for:

1.  Waiting until you are tired to ask for the chore to get done - folks, we simply have to go to bed if we are tired.  Trying to engage children in "helping" us when we are tired and grumpy is impossible and almost always backfires.

2.  Wanting it to be perfect - learn to love a lumpy bed, cherish the few Doritos that don't make it in the ziplock, squint when you look at the swept-ish floor.  There will be time to do it perfectly, this summer ain't the time!

3. If the kids do one chore cheerfully . . .. well, we add on another.  If they do one cheerfully, be grateful and quiet and satisfied.  We all are so annoyed when we give kids an inch and then they ask, whine and beg for a mile! Don't BE that person.

4. We don't follow through or we aren't consistent.  We probably won't be 100% consistent, nor will we follow through every time, but at least try.  Aim lower to hit the mark, to get in the game, rather then announcing some big management change and then giving up because it's too hard to enforce.  Better they unload the groceries and change the towels to the dryer then nothing at all.

5. We are too controlling.  We monitor, we check in, we comment, we give unsolicited nifty tips, we re-do.  Stop.  Take off your glasses so it all goes into soft focus and  pour yourself a cucumber infused water (or cold beer or margarita) and sit down.  Good enough is good enough.

Here's a sample of age appropriate chores to get you inspired, thinking and into action:

4-5 Year Olds:  Set the table, put sandwiches and chips into baggies, dress by self (including choosing outfit, remember YOU are in control of what clothes are in their room and available to them), pour drinks for self and family.  Keep your expectations in line for this age group -- chores will stay interesting about the same amount of minutes as their age.  

6-10 Year Olds:  Wake up to own alarm clock (summer is PERFECT training time for this.  Late for camp, who cares? Miss a morning playdate, so what?)  If you stay out of their way you will learn their preferences, pitfalls, habits and when the school year starts you will be able to work with them.  After a late and harried morning in which I didn't BUTT in I realized the sleepy son I was so often annoyed with WANTED to get to school on time.  He experimented with setting his alarm clock LATER  and gosh darned if that kid didn't start getting up on time with a minimum of drama.  Magic.

1t - 12:  Making or changing an appointment.  This age group can practice looking at a calendar, determining when they can go the orthodontist (or dentist, or doctor) and then CALL the orthodontist (or dentist, or doctor) to make the appointment.  A good tip here is to role play the call a couple times and then leave the room when they make the call.  Watch out for the drama of, "I can't do that!  YOU do it MOM!  NO ONE else has to do this."  The more you accept and tolerate the drama, without reacting or feeding into it, the sooner it generally dies down. 

13 - 18:  Menu planning & cooking:  Gotta learn some time, might as well be the summer of 2015.  Kids this age can certainly plan and cook a meal and get it on the table.  Have them select something when you are making your shopping list.  Offer up your recipes, or let them explore on the internet.  Watch out for the speed bumps of squishing their ideas, not eating the food, or making them choose something else to cook because what they want to make is too easy (or too hard).  I learned to love, nay ADORE, a meal of pasta (white, delicious and yummy and fabulous ALL white pasta -- nary a whole grain to be found) with sauce from a jar, broccoli and a warmed up breaded chicken patty from A BAG.  Don't knock it til you try it, we forget how sublime a breaded chicken patty can taste!

The Heart of the Issue

Photo by lazmi/iStock / Getty Images

"The act of cluttering is really an instinctive reflex that draws our attention away from the heart of the issue."  Marie Kondo, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up.

Do you ever consider that you are actually cluttering your life when you acquire or sign up for too much?  The ACT of cluttering - let's ponder that for a while.  Could it be that we clutter up our houses and our calendars to avoid the heart of the matter?

Too many clothes to avoid the actions needed to lose the weight to be healthier and more energized.

Too many activities to avoid the conflict of sibling squabbles.

Too much junk food to avoid the reality of the pain in the rear end it is to plan, go to the grocery and cook.

Too many new ideas so we don't finish any ONE of them?

Any of this sound familiar?  

Where is clutter covering up the heart of your issues?  We have hit the half year mark and clutter is certainly covering up the heart of some of my goals, what about you?  Look back to any goals you set, or just remember back on January 1st all the good intentions you had (we can do a quick review of goal setting:  This is Tomorrow and Five Keys for a Good Relationship With Your Resolutions).

July is perfect re-set weather! Uncover the clutter in your house, in your closet and in your schedule and see if you can't find the goals and golden nuggets hidden beneath.  

Alternatives to Nagging

Below is an article published in the June 2015 Washington Parent.  Summer is the perfect time to try some new parenting tools.  Nagging is a real relationship drainer and NOW is the time to find some alternatives!  Try one now, save one for later.

Definition: Nag: 1. To annoy by constant scolding, complaining or urging. 2. To scold, complain find fault constantly.

We all know we should not nag, hate to be nagged ourselves and surely nag our children many, many, MANY times a day. Why do we do it, and what can we do instead of nagging?

Clinical psychologist and author of "The Blessing of a Skinned Knee" and "The Blessing of a B Minus," Wendy Mogel says, "We all know nagging doesn't work, but we are filled with hope. The paradox is that when you keep nagging you continue to fill your child with hope that he or she can continue to outsource the responsibility for whatever needs to get done to YOU [Mom or Dad]!"

Mogel goes on to say, "It's a tic and a habit. We are imagining a scenario that has never once happened in the history of parents and children." The dream looks like this: The parent will nag about the homework (or dirty towels or unwalked dog). The child will look up adoringly into the parent's face and say, "Thank you so much for elucidating me on this very important principal of accountability, especially considering the amount that you do for me!" Then the child will begin the homework (pick up the dirty towels or walk the dog). To parents, nagging feels like an insurance policy to protect our kids from ever suffering a C minus, a friend being mad or a forgotten baseball glove.

In reality, nagging erodes relationships. Kids enjoy (tolerate, hear) one nag. It shows we care, we love them and we notice what is going on in their life. With the second nag they hear, "I don't trust you. You are not capable. You cannot manage your own life or succeed without my backing you up." This is NOT the message we want to send. How do we instead send a message of love, faith and encouragement? Here's a seven-step action plan.

1   Apologize. Meghan Leahy, a Washington, D.C ., parent coach, suggests starting by apologizing, "Wow, I'm really trying to control you guys. Nobody likes to be controlled - over and over and over." Then keep your mouth shut. If you have to, literally sit on your hands to remind yourself NOT to talk. The energy used in being silent is immense. Being quiet IS an action.

2   Notice Improvement. Focus on the 85 percent of good or appropriate behavior, and see if it grows. Pay attention - did they turn in their homework more this week than they did last week? Comment on the turned-in homework only. Did they use some self-control when they were angry at their sibling after school? Say, "Hey, that made a more peaceful dinner time." Include yourself, too! How many times did you choose to keep your mouth shut instead of nagging? Notice improvement - yours, theirs and ours.

3   Give a Hug. That's it. You'll all feel better.

4   Focus on Yourself. Do an undesirable chore of your own - you know, clean out your closet, purge your recipes, do your budget, organize your taxes, call that relative, do a workout, edit your digital photos … I could keep going - we all have enough to do on our own without adding everything our kids need to do.

5   Take Notes and Study.  Mogel says, "Note a couple of things. First, the things you nag about most often, the content and the topic. Take note of the time of day it's happening, the day of the week and what's been going on in the child's life." This will give you clues to see if the nagging is about stress, yours or theirs. It also gives you clues to the topics that really matter to you, which will then help you focus on finding creative ways to work on those issues, rather than engage in global nagging. Mogel adds that part of the "anti-nagging program is to make sure the kids have enough good stimulation, and it means you need to learn something about child development." The Gesell Institute books by Louise Bates Ames, et al., "Your One-Year-Old, Your Two-Year-Old," etc., through "Your Ten- to Fourteen-Year-Old" are a great place to start. Reading will both enlighten us and keep us busy so we don't nag.

6   Ask Questions and Listen. Ask your child, "How often do you think you need to do laundry?" "When is the most productive time for you to do homework?" "Any tips you have for staying focused?" Questions are encouraging and relationship building. The speed bump we can expect is that, once we ask the question, we have to listen to the answer without commenting. Listening twice as much as we talk is a way to learn about and get closer to our kids. The more we know about our child, and the closer we are, the more influence (and cooperation) we can expect. The more cooperation, the less nagging. Magic.

7   Work on the Relationship. More than likely, all of us have been deep down in the nagging hole. There we are at the bottom and the only tool we have is the shovel that got us there in the first place (nagging). It can be lonely, dark and depressing down there. Not to fear - Meaghan Leahy is there to give us a another, overlooked tool, one that's been there all along. "The rope out is always the relationship with the child. It's there. Trust, confidence, goodwill, some boundaries."

I hope these actions will open up new, creative and encouraging ways for you to see and be with your beloved child. Leahy says, "You will have times of missteps with your child, but it's a dance and it's forever."

Size Matters

Photo by kieferpix/iStock / Getty Images

Do you see the desk in the photo?  Do you notice anything about it?  Take a minute, scroll back up, please look. . . . .

Ok, what did you see?

Did you see that the desk was waaaaaayyyyy bigger then the lap top?

Ok, I don't want to be really bossy and annoying, especially after that SUPER FUN post I did last week and MOST especially because I am currently on vacation, but sometimes I just have to come to your guys rescue.  I really do.  I love you all too much to let you do this to yourselves.

I have gone into one too many houses where parents have assigned themselves the teeniest, weeniest little desks and what fits on the desk is a computer, a key board, a mouse pad and a pen and maybe (just maybe) a couple stack of sticky notes.  PEOPLE, size MATTERS.  Get a desk that you can actually work on.  You running your life deserves some primo real estate.

Now, I also see people with ample sized desks and do you know what we FIND?  . . .. . 13 projects that we mean to get to and don't have time.  Unopened mail (72.7% of it junk mail).  Kids artwork and homework.  Spouse's projects that they have ignored.  Travel books from the 1990s.  Various bits and pieces from the toolkit in the basement.  Copious hairbands, lipsticks, hand wipes, thermometers, bandaids and keys mixed in with the files and folders and supplies.  Tax records float perilously close to Athleta catalogs, bills to pay are in the same zone as old Holiday Cards that didn't get sent.  Do you know what this DOES to a professional organizer?  The stress, the strain!

Deep breath.  People, if you are running your life, your kids lives, your partners life -- maybe even your parent's life or you are going to school or running a business, YOU NEED A BIGGER DESK!  Then you need to guard that open real estate with all the vigor of a World War I soldier.  It's TRENCH WARFARE PEOPLE.  NO kids papers on your desk.  NO hairbands, no other people's projects, no memorabilia, no random photos, no items that belong in your medicine cabinet.  Will all of this stuff magically appear on your big enough desk?  Yes!  So get a fitbit and walking all that stuff to and fro to where it belongs will help you reach your stepping goals, or you can put a basket at your feet that is for "Stuff that ain't mine".

One more thing, if I may, please get a BIG and WIDE recycle bin.  Please, please,  PLEASE.  Put this big and wide recycle/trash bin right on the other side of your feet from the "Stuff Ain't Mine Bin".  

Promise?

Ok, I feel better and I can't wait to hear about the relaxed productivity that ensues!