Enjoy, Relax, Have Fun!

Photo by Jupiterimages  /Polka Dot / Getty Images

I can hear you over the internet . . . . "Finally, a post that's fun and not bossy or depressing."  It's a relief, it's summer, it's fuuuuuunnnnnnnnn!

Having fun together is one of the best, most effective and life enhancing relationship tool.  Better then a well crafted "I Message", better then a routine (well, wait, hold on, I love me a routine), better then a logical consequence, better then a lecture.

We forget that laughing together, sharing a delightful moment, going on an adventure is the real glue that binds us.  The relationship  is where we find the powerful influence we are searching for.  Summer is the perfect time to add in the fun, the spice, the laughter.  Here are some ideas for you.

Banangrams - great for all ages, funny, and the teeniest bit educational for any over achieving parents out there.

Hiking - not too long (seriously, I know YOU can go 5 miles), just a couple miles, somewhere pretty with a sugary and yummy snack, in a nice portion control size baggie.  Outside + fresh air + movement + not too long + yummy treat = fun memories or awful memories that are fun to share later.  Win or Win.

The Onion - Seriously?  Honestly? It's not called, "America's Finest News Source" for no reason.   There is something for everyone, here are a few of my favorites:  Man Treats Mother to Details,  More Colleges Offer Dick Around Programs, and this one just slays me, I am giggling right now . . . Cracks In Facade Visible As Teen Enters Third Day Vacationing With Friend’s Family.

Cooking - if you cook stuff they want to eat and you let them help it can be a lot of fun.  Some hard won tips -- cook with only one child with you in the kitchen, otherwise it's all elbows to the ribs and complaining about who gets to do what or who has to do what.  Also, let them cook messy.  So much more fun if you aren't tense and wiping up every dang spill behind them. 

Ignore them.  Some benign neglect is just perfect for summer.  Don't get roped in by them whining at you, "I'm soooo bored."  If you hear them coming, head for the bathroom with your kindle and feign stomach distress, they'll figure something out.

Watch the unfolding with the fireflies.  Fireflies are magical little creatures that come and go so quickly.  A perfect metaphor for watching our children (or ourselves) unfold.   We are all unfolding into the people we are supposed to be.  Sometimes instead of coaxing, worrying, lecturing, nagging, reminding, checking, double checking . . . we can just sit back and relax, enjoy who they are today, enjoy who we are today.  Then we can watch the fireflies and laugh about all the fun we had that day. . . what could be more summery?

Habits and routines are for losers

Photo by annatodica/iStock / Getty Images

People, we often underestimate the power, control and nimbleness of a solid habit or routine.  We snub our noses at the ordinary, the old fashioned, the simple.  But listen, there is so much amazing brain research out there that proves what our Grandmas knew.  Routines and habits BE gettin' the job done.

1.  When something is routine or a habit we do not have to weigh options, reinvent the wheel or check in with our feelings to get into action.  It's Sunday, it's laundry day, I do the laundry.  I do the laundry if I'm tired, have a cold, just got back from vacation or horror of all horrors, I don't FEEL like doing the laundry.  I do the laundry if there are 5 loads or 1/2 a load.  Bada boo, bada bing - clean clothes all week long!

2.  Routines and habits help us parent, and I for one need all the help I can get!  It's not so much we are mean, it's just that we always do a 10 minute tidy before bed time.  It's not that I'm controlling so much as NO ONE moves on with their evening until the kitchen is clean.  Dad isn't a poop, it's that we only watch TV Friday - Sunday.

3.   Habits and routines treat us gently and kindly.  If I have the habit of looking at my calendar each and every time I make an appointment I avoid re-scheduling, re-jiggering and accidentally double booking my day.  When we are late, when we double book, when we are unprepared we usually aren't so nice to ourselves.  Running late?  Every red light is personal, every slow driver is out to get me, and oh the berating I give myself. After I've been so mean to myself, I certainly deserve that giant, sugary coffee drink to forgive me for all the insults I hurled at myself.  Habits and routines can minimize these moments, short circuit the cycle, get us on a better path.

4.  Routines and habits free us up to do more interesting things. When getting up, getting out of the house, laundry, dishes, tidying, are mostly routine -- we then have time for more fun stuff.  Planning trips, going to parties, playing Banangrams, trying a new recipe, researching new video cameras or reading a new book. . . 

5.  Routines and habits are so fun that here's some reading for us all!  Focus. The Hidden Driver of Excellence - amazing brain research on how to focus, what happens when we lose focus.  The Power of Habit - you will never look at Febreze the same way.  Crazy/Busy - an easy quick read that nails the argument FOR routine, Hallowell makes them sound fun.

"Everything can Change"

 Ever look at your life and say, "I can't stand it anymore?  How did I get here?" Pretty sure I'm not alone feeling stuck, stale and  yucky.

I mentioned Alfred Adler last week (A Funny Thing Happened . .  ) and after a weekend surrounded by his ideas, thoughts, quotes and theory I am reenergized and I want to share it with YOU!  Here are some fabulous Adlerian concepts to put the pep back in your step.

1.  We all work from our own private logic.  Meaning we all have different thoughts and ideas about how life is and how life should be.  I know you know this, but do you really KNOW it?  Do you realize your spouse, your kids, your siblings live in a similar reality, but with (sometimes vastly) different interpretations.  We all BEHAVE by this private logic.  Let me boil this down for you, people aren't so much acting like selfish jerks, they are acting in relation to their private logic (which is different then yours, not necessarily wrong). Remember, we are all the hero of our own story line.

2.  We get to know someone else's private logic by listening (not lecturing).  Adler's colleague, Rudolf Dreikurs said, "Their ideas and viewpoints are important, particularly since they act in accordance with them!" 

3. Family of origin, birth order, genetics, experiences influence our lives, but do not determine it.  Adler said, "Everything can be different."  So if our sister was the smart one growing up, well we can still head to graduate school in our 30's.  If our brother was the athletic one, no matter - we can train for a 5k, 10k, heck even a marathon in our 40's.  If our cousin was the artistic one, why we are the only one holding ourselves back from painting or writing or sculpting in our 50's.

4.  Adler was action oriented, “Trust only movement. Life happens at the level of events, not of words. Trust movement.”  We can read and cogitate and plan and stew and think all we want, but life happens by movement.  We gotta get MOVING.  Try something, dip our toe in, get into action.  I LOVE IT!

5.  And lest we get nervous about taking the exact RIGHT action, Adler said, "The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions."  There you go, pin that quote on your bathroom mirror and watch your courage flourish.

6.  "No experience is a cause of success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences, so-called trauma - but we make out of them just what suits our purposes." The sad childhood, the embarrassing adolescence, the rejection from the college we wanted to get into, the heartbreak in our twenties -- these do not cause our suffering today, it's the story we tell around these events, the interpretations we glean, the choices we make.  Adler doesn't deny that sad, embarrassing and traumatic things happen, AND what we do with these events is the key.

7.  We are all familiar with nature and nurture.  We are who we are because of our genetics or because of what happened to us, or a combo of the two.  Adler threw in one more element, The Creative Self.  We take our nature and nurture and mix them in with our interpretations and voila - we get who we are.  This creative self is filled with possibility, can be edited, added to, reinterpreted.  So, to end with the beginning, "Everything can change!"
 

A funny thing happened . . . . .

I'm so excited . .  .I'm going to my first NASAP (North American Society of Adlerian Psychology) conference on Friday!  Now who here has ever heard of Alfred Adler?    Wait, don't click closed, don't swipe me away.  Adlerian Psychology is fun and exciting, relevant, useful and rich.  Let me show you one of Adler's insights through a story I love to tell . . . 

**Back in 1972, when kids wore polyester a lot and Moms ignored their children a lot, two boys, ages 8 (Tommy) & 10 (Stu) had just finished 2 weeks of camp about 15 miles from their house.  They usually walked everywhere, but for this camp they got to ride a school bus with kids ranging from 5 - 17.  Boy, did they learn A LOT from the older kids - a real fountain of information came from those big guys in the back of the bus.  Tommy and Stu knew,  from their piano teacher (see, those lessons are worth the money),  if they wanted to retain what they learned they had better practice.  

Stu looked and Tommy and said, "Hey, Tommy, ya wanna swear today?". Tommy thought for a second and could see no down side, "Sure Stu, why don't you say damn and I'll say hell today?"  Stu agreed and they spit on their palms and shook on it to seal the deal.  Down the boys went to the kitchen where Mom was having her second cup of coffee.  She beamed at them as they came in,  happy and content to have her boys to herself for a few days before they left for the beach.

She greeted them with a big smile and a warm hug and said, "Honey buns, what would you like for breakfast this morning?"  Stu, ready to practice his lesson said, "I want some damn cereal!"  WHAT?  Mom couldn't believe it.  Well, Stu got unceremoniously dragged into the hall, at the bottom of the stairs got a swift, firm swat on the rear (it's the 70's) and sent him to his room until his father got home.  As Stu trudged up the stairs Mom took a deep breath, smoothed her apron and went back into the kitchen to start again.  She looked at Tommy with a tired, but loving look and said, "Sweetums, now what would YOU like for breakfast?"  Tommy was a keen observer and a quick learner,  looked up at his Mom, defensive, bewildered and said, "I don't know, but it sure as hell isn't gonna be cereal!"

I crack up every time I tell this story.  Tommy and Stu capture the Adlerian concept that children are keen observers and not always accurate interpreters. We assume our kids receive the message we intend to send, but do they? Do they misinterpret, translate improperly or just generally assume we mean one thing when really we meant another?  I say yes, YES they do!  I think people misinterpret people - all day, every day.  What to do about it?  Oh I don't know, let's just laugh together today and next week I'll share inspiration, stories, ideas and tips from NASAP!

** Based on a story told in "A Primer of Adlerian Psychology", Mosak & Maniacci.

Shhhhh . . . . Anger is Telling You Something (or Speak Up . . . . I can't hear you!)

Photo by mattjeacock/iStock / Getty Images

Anger is a wily one. It can come out so loud that we can't hear over the yelling, shaming and blaming.  Or, it can go undercover (repressed) anger and be so quiet that we don't hear any message at all.  Anger is a message, see below for some common translations.

Values: When we are chronically angry about homework, table manners, grades, keeping rooms neat we might have hit something that we value and hold in high esteem.  

Alternatives to Anger: If I value homework getting done maybe I create a quiet and device free zone from 7-8 each night.  I could inspire us with some new school supplies.  And listen to this, I could sit and do my own work while my child works.  I could do some AP modeling  and let my intellectual curiosity shine by studying my own books or information I find interesting. See, I'll be so busy doing all that highlighting and note taking,  I won't have time to yell or nag.

Personal Space: Sometimes kids can just be too much and we feel smothered by all the needs, wants, desires and strong feelings that kids bring to us.  Our anger might be a way of telling us that we need a wee bit more time alone, or more help around the house, or our kids need to get used to some benign neglect so we can read a book, or paint our nails, or watch the basketball game.  

Alternatives to Anger: If I need more personal space and feel smothered - well it's summer soon and there are tons of teens out there who would like to make a buck or two, why not ask them to take the kids to the park twice a week, just for a few hours, and enjoy my quiet house?  It will minimize the yelling (not extinguish it).

Ready for Responsibility (but they need the pink slip first):  If we get angry every day about our kids' waking up, packing their backpack or getting dressed it could be that anger is telling us it's time to hand over responsibility.  The trick here is we have to really hand them the pink slip to waking up in the morning (packing their back back, getting dressed) and it might get bumpy. Aint' nobody gonna take responsibility for something they don't own!

Alternatives to Anger:  If it's time to hand over responsibility to my kid I could ask someone with older kids how they did it and get support in letting go (it's harder then it looks).  I could train the beloved child in waking up to an alarm clock and see what happens.  If I let the child struggle with the alarm clock instead of me I won't have to stomp upstairs so many times ready to rumble.  I can greet the child (who might be early or late) with open arms and find out what he learned.

Nice and Accommodating (repressed anger):  Here's a twist - sometimes our anger goes way underground and our theory is that if we are just super duper nice and accommodating then really the child has to do what we want them to, right? I'm so nice, how could they not? Just like we try to control through fear and bluster with aggressive anger, so too can we try to control with sweetness and light.  If we say things in just the right way, with just the right timing, with just the right healthy snack - well then why WOULD'T they do their homework (have good manners, get good grades, keep their rooms clean)?  (What we might really mean is  "How COULD they not do their homework, have good manners, get good grades, keep their rooms clean, AFTER all we've done for them?")

Alternatives to Anger:  If I control with over-nicing people I might have no idea it's a problem because, after all, I'm so nice how can anyone criticize me?  If I have a good friend, an honest spouse, a wise teen, they might tell me and then I could see where I'm being just as controlling as my angry counterpart.  I could turn some of the nice on myself and treat myself to all those kind words and healthy snacks.  Then I'll have more energy to learn and discover the child I actually live with, rather then the one I'm trying to control.  And when I'm not spending so much time being nice I can discover who I really am too. I might just not be so nice . . . . and that might be a relief to everyone we live with.

Stress & Overwhelm: Sometimes we are angry simply because we are tired, hungry,over caffeinated, have to go the bathroom, under caffeinated, are mad at our brother-in-law, had something go terribly wrong at work or any other number of things that upset us normal, everyday, overbooked parents.

Alternatives to Anger: If I am feeling stressed and overwhelmed I could drink 1/2 a cup less coffee today, I could add in a 15 minute walk around the block, I could realize that my brother-in-law is doing the best he can, I could go to the bathroom before I talked to the kids about all the legos on the floor.  Sometimes I can short circuit an anger episode just by realizing it's something I can easily fix or alter in my own routine.

Diagnosing the problem correctly can take a heavy load off us (and our relationships).  We have to listen to the anger, we have to see what's underneath the fury, we have to feel the vulnerable emotions (see Anger: A Primer).  Scary, but you know what, we can do it!  Our tempers and emotions are the climate control for the house, let's learn how to use that thermostat properly and effectively.

Scared Little Mouse

Photo by Ablestock.com/AbleStock.com / Getty Images

I hear you .  . . "Ummmm, Paige, why  is the title 'Scared Little Mouse' and the photo above is a big, scary, aggressive Grizzly?"  Good question people!  

Last week we learned that anger is a cover for scarier, more vulnerable emotions, like feeling unheard, powerless, disrespected, overwhelmed and smothered, to name a few. (Click on Anger: A Primer if you need a refresher.)  Our kids see us as this big Grizzly when are yelling and losing our minds to get things done.  If they saw beneath the fur coat they'd see the scared little mouse, trapped and using the only tools we think we have, yelling, gnashing teeth, clawing our way out and through our family to get to work on time (or get homework done, dinner eaten, baths taken, rooms cleaned up).  

Let's hit pause and ask ourselves if all that ferocity is building the relationship, the child's self-respect and our self-respect? Or is it wearing down the relationship, the child's self-respect and our self-respect?

I imagine our child walking in the forest of our family and consider, would they dare to ask that Grizzly how to clean up the chocolate they accidentally got on the white couch, or what to do because their best friend started smoking pot, or they blew off their science fair project and have only 12 hours to get it done, or how to do their own laundry, ?  I doubt it.  They'd probably wait until the Grizzly was distracted by some blueberries (a glass of wine or an i pad) or was hibernating (sleeping, out of the house) and then they'd try to figure out the chocolate clean up (or hide it), the pot smoking, the science fair project, the laundry, in secret, when all was quiet and safe.

And then I imagine in a few years, when the child we are trying to control with anger is  24 and needs to get themselves to the car in the morning. . . will they need a big ole Grizzly behind them (a mean boss, a demanding partner, a vicious voice in their head) to get them moving?  Is anger really the best way to teach or practice doing what needs to get done?

This is so depressing!   Whether we unleash it like the Grizzly, or if we repress it and become icy and cold, or if our kids use it to control the situation (you know the families that walk around on eggshells to stop the angry kid from hijacking the day).  

Hot or cold, theirs or ours, anger touches all our lives. When it bubbles up we have a choice what to do.  Stay tuned because next week I'll help you interpret what anger is really saying along with options and actions we can use that will build the relationship and keep our child's and our self-respect intact.  I can't wait!

Anger: A Primer (or "Pay No Attention to the Little Man Behind the Curtain")

From ages 0 - 32 my go to overwhelm emotion was crying.  If I wanted to rally the troops around me and get something done, I would cry and pout.  At 32 with two children under four,  I was suddenly the adult (I am the youngest in my family origin and baby was/is an accurate way to describe me). In my new found adulthood I realized I couldn't call my sister crying to solve the getting out of the house in the morning problem.  No, I had to get two smallies out of the house, EVERY day.  The tears didn't work on them.  I dug in my tool box and the only thing I found was ANGER, and people, anger works.  People MOVE when you are yelling at them. What a discovery, be a total jerk until people succumb to your will.  Fabulous!

However, as we know, all good things must come to an end and I went to PEP (Parent Encouragement Program) to learn about parenting (well, I really went to have them  fix my kids, but that's another story for another time)  and learned the destructiveness of unleashing anger on the people you love the most in the world.  

Anger touches all our lives, it's an energy, it's information, it's a guide and it shouldn't be repressesed, unleashed or ignored.  It's such a big topic that I have more posts about it (so exciting!) so if you are left feeling unsatisfied, don't get angry (tee hee), there is more to come.  For this week let's consider that anger covers up scarier emotions that we would rather not admit to, let alone feel.  Shall we go through some examples?  

We yell at our kids to put their shoes on.  Consider we really feel unheard and disrespected, they put their shoes on at pre-school, why won't they listen to us?

We are furious  and nag when homework doesn't get done.  Perhaps we are scared they won't get into college, ever get a job, or live up to their potential?

We are hostile and aggressive when our four year old gets up for the 723rd time to ask for something at bedtime.  Might it be we are desperately tired and feel smothered by our beloved child?

Anger actually comes from a place of vulnerability rather then strength.  Think the Great and Powerful Oz behind the curtain -- just a regular guy (parent), living in a foreign land (kids are strange and beautiful creatures), trying to get home (or to work, or to bed).  We use all sorts of bluster, smoke and scary voices to hide the fact that we are just a regular guy from Kansas, scared and alone, with some pots, pans and a smoke machine behind the curtain.

Next time we (or they) get angry, let's see if we (or they) are really feeling - ignored, scared, anxious, unheard, disrespected, abused, smothered, tired, overwhelmed, teased, broken-hearted, embarrassed, humiliated, unappreciated, sick, wounded, hopeless, small or taken advantage of.  Changes the game, huh?

It's Harder then it Looks!

Leo Tolstoy

“He was happy, but not at all in the same way as he had expected. At every step he found himself disillusioned in his former dreams while also discovering new, unexpected enchantments. Levin was happy, but on entering into family life he saw at every step that it was not at all what he had imagined. At every step he felt as a man might feel who, after admiring the smooth, cheerful motion of a boat on the water, actually gets into the boat himself. He saw that apart from having to sit steadily in the boat without rocking, he also had to keep in mind, without forgetting for a moment where he was going, that there was water beneath his feet, that he had to row, that his unaccustomed hands hurt, and that it was easy only when you looked at it, but that doing it, though it made you very happy, was very hard.”

—Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina, 1877

When you dreamt of having kids and parenting what kind of picture did you have in your mind? Were your dream kids well behaved and quiet or rambunctious and a bit like Calvin from “Calvin and Hobbes?” Was your house neat and tidy in your dream family? Did you all eat a healthy dinner each night as you discussed literature and current events? Did your kids excel at sports, piano, school, and were they polite to boot? How about you? Were you patient and kind and crafty in your dream family?

Well, those dreams are wonderful to think about, and yet the reality of family life often turns out quite differently. It’s not that reality is a nightmare, it’s just that our real kids are slightly different then our dream kids and our real selves can be a wee bit more tired, grumpy, confused, and impatient then our dream selves.

I bring this up because it’s good to wake up and smell the coffee, so to speak. It’s empowering to look around your family and see the gifts you received that you weren’t clever enough to even dream of, and the fantasies you had that you now have to discard. We get into  “parenting mischief” when we parent from our dream state. When we expect our kids (and ourselves) to be different then who they really are we get upset, anxious, worried, angry and disappointed.

 The analogy of watching the boat sailing smoothly in Tolstoy’s quote is so perfect for parenting. Once we steady the boat and get used to the oars that work in the 4 year old water, guess what happens? The 4 year old turns 5, the currents change, the weather shifts, new people and activities enter the boat and we have to start all over again. Then forget about it when they turn into tweens or, gasp, teens!

So best to be mostly awake while we steer the boat of our family because as Tolstoy said, “it was easy only when you looked at it, but that doing it, though it made you very happy, was very hard.”

Non-Buddha Parts

Years ago I saw Tich Nhat Hanh, a famous Buddhist monk, speak at the Warner Theater in DC.  There were two things I remember clearly.  Number one, we chanted for about 347 hours.  It was chanting and then breathing and it was excruciatingly boring and NOTHING was happening.  As he'd end one chant he'd say, 'We are moistening the soil".  Thank you very much Tich Nhat, but I'll skip all that moistening of the soil and let's go right into enlightenment and a little peace please, that is, after all, what I paid for.  Here's what I wanted, I wanted him to talk for 30 minutes and I wanted all my angst about the past, and fear about the future to melt away, and melt away FOREVER. AND to know, truly, what to do next. To be absolutely be clear about the next right action, and go forth and do said next right action, and then always live in this peaceful and knowing place.  Was I asking too much?  

Second, Tich Nhat Hanh made the analogy that the Buddha was like the Lotus Flower.  Buddha was made up not just of peace and right action, but he was also made up of non-Buddha parts (anger, confusion, shame). Like the Lotus Flower, the Buddah needed the mud and the ugly roots to flourish and grow.

Are you as annoyed as I am right now? We are like the lotus flower, no better then the Buddha. We are all made up of non-Buddha parts. We can't surgically remove the anger, impatience, angst, worry, fear, disappointment from ourselves. We can moisten the soil with laughing, caring for each other and listening. When we moisten the soil we make it easier to loosen the weeds and plant the good stuff to grow and flourish.

With parents I lead an exercise where we go back in our memories and draw a quick picture of our family of origin from around the age of 6ish. We give each person 3 characteristics. Participants share their family for 3-5 minutes. As I sit there, as I have for the last decade, I'm always struck by the universality of our experience. The hurts that run deep in our childhoods, the way we feel like we didn't measure up, or they didn't measure up, permeates all our stories.  We believe, if only the childhood would have been different the suffering, pain and confusion would not be here. Alas dear readers, we are all recovering children, we all are looking for that stable ground, for that love, cherishing and acceptance from our parents (or ourselves).

Families are like the lotus flower.  We grow from the muck and the mud and if we cleaned it all up, there would be no where for the roots to flourish. 

So think of all the reading aloud time, the family dinners, the setting and upholding limits, bickering, family trips, late night snuggles, ginger ale shared on the couch when people are sick, that's the moistening of the soil. The daily rituals, struggles and routines are the chanting. When we finally get to stop and we rest, we see that our beautiful/peaceful family is made up of non-beautiful/non-peaceful parts. And so it is for all of us.

#SpringCleaning!

Photo by Howard Shooter/Dorling Kindersley RF / Getty Images

Purge a little, toss a little, purge a little, toss a little, cheep, cheep, cheep. Toss a lot, purge a little more! (Music Man, anyone?)

Books:  Look around, what books (that other people wrote) are cluttering up YOUR space?  Those books won’t make you smarter, more organized, your introvert more extroverted.  They won’t get dinner on the table or straighten out that mess with your mother-in-law.  Be ruthless, donate ones that have served their purpose and open up your bookshelves to the life you are living NOW. 

Self Defeating Thoughts:  If you hear yourself saying the words ALWAYS or NEVER, you can be fairly certain that you are in a self defeating self talk loop.  "My kids never do their homework."  "My spouse is always late".  "I’m never going to lose these last 5 pounds."  Purge those words PEOPLE!  Throw them out, see what comes up in the empty space.  "My kids are clearing their places almost every evening."  "My spouse is more on time then he was 10 years ago."  "My fitbit has energized me to walk every day."  Do you hear it?  Purge always and never.  These little buggers will keep coming into our self talk, be prepared to purge and toss over and over (cheep, cheep, cheep).

New Ideas:  This one is edgy – you may not like it, AND we are almost ½ way through the year.  Purge the new projects and go back and continue to work on the projects you picked in January, see Five Keys for a Good Relationship with Your Resolutions and This IS Tomorrow for a refresher.  Generating projects and ideas feel so good in the moment, and in reality create more clutter in our lives, make us stressed and tend to make us less motivated and productive.  I know, I hear you, you think I’m squashing your creativity.  I’m not.  I’m helping you spring clean so in December you e-mail me and say, “Paige, it’s so exciting, I got that basement cleared out, the kids rooms tidied, I exercise 5 times a week. I’m so glad I focused!”

Closets, Drawers and Calendars:  Closets, drawers and calendars work for us so much better if they are 2/3’s filled.  What can you purge from your clothes closet, front hall closet, pantry, book shelf (eek!), calendar so you have a roomier situation?   Let that number alone guide you, "I need to get this closet (or drawer or week) down to 2/3's full - what can I purge, postpone or delegate."  Try one closet, one week, one file drawer and let me know what you think.  Are you inspired to tidy it up more?  Remember, tidy and roomy closets (drawers & calendars) are usually kinder and talk more nicely to us then overstuffed sock drawers and stressful, overpacked days.

When in Doubt, Laugh it out.

Photo by IslandLeigh/iStock / Getty Images

I have had a week (or two)!  One kid in bed with a broken leg, one kid in bed with some kind of virus.  When spring sprang this year I had NO IDEA I'd be inside tending injured and sick children.  And, here's the thing, when life gives you lemons you gotta squeeze them for all the laughs they are worth.  Here are a few thoughts and ideas on how to keep your spirits up when parenting gets you down!

For the 4-8 group there is no better entertainer then Bill Harley!  I have seen him live at least twice, we listened to his songs and stories for hours at a time in the car.  He takes you right back to what it was like to be a 8 - 13 year old in ways you don't even remember you forgot.    Science fair, neighborhood plays, thoughts about your teachers, first crushes, sleepovers in the backyard - he covers all the childhood ground with such humor and wisdom and just the right amount of sass.  Some words of wisdom to whet your whistle, 'Black socks never get dirty, the more that you wear them the stronger they get.'

For the 8 - 13 group watch Modern Family on Hulu.  So funny, such great tv friends.  Are you a Claire, a Cam, a Jay, a Mitchell or a Gloria.  There is a little bit of each of us in them and it's so fun to laugh at.  The writers do a great job exploring the crazy ways parents try (and usually fail) to influence their kids.  Mistakes and all the families just continue to show up together.  There was one episode done entirely via FaceTime and Facebook - genius!  

For teens there really is nothing like asking them to show you funny stuff on YouTube.  A shared 3 minutes can many a memory make.  I'm afraid to tell you my favorites because most are not safe for work, but here are a few that should be ok, The Man Cold, Business Time, Jimmy Fallon Lip Sync Battles, and The Substitute Teacher, and if you don't mind a little swearing, the one, the only, Honey Badger.

Here's the moral of the story, when times are tough the laughter should be rolling.  Find something that tickles your funny bone, invite your kids to share it with you, have a laugh - take an advil and go to bed early.  

Hey, Don't Just Take My Advice, AGAIN!

Photo by Zoonar RF/Zoonar / Getty Images

There is SO much organizing advice out there!  I did a google search for  "Organizing" and got  125,000,000 options, I googled  "Get my family organized" and there were 94,700,000 places to find help, inspiration, ideas and advice.  Click on Amazon and look up "Family Organization" (in the books section only) and you get 43,109 titles.  Ummm, who has time to sort through this?!  To lighten your load here are my top recommendations.

Organizing from the Inside Out and  Time Management from the Inside Out- Julie Morgenerstern has been around for over 15 years providing advice to all of us, including Oprah!  Her approach is  realistic and encouraging.  She looks at each room and each task and asks first, "What's working?". It's a positive and strengthening way to start a project that feels overwhelming and daunting.  

Getting Things Done by David Allen has JUST BEEN REVISED, so exciting!  His methodical, common sense approach to being productive is nimble, universal and solves so many problems. He suggests if you can do a task in 2 minutes or under, DO IT NOW (because it would take longer to decide when to do it, make a note of it and file it then it would be just TO DO IT).  Another idea is to set aside 1 - 2 hours a week to review your past week, your upcoming few weeks, get your e-mail in box to zero (WHAT?), delete voicemails, re-adjust any commitments or projects with new information you have.  If you take just one thing away from his approach you will feel more calm, in control and productive.

The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up  by Marie Kondo has sold OVER TWO MILLION copies since it's release last October. The title is seductive and promising and the idea I love most from her is to sort by category, not location.  She suggests starting with clothes - gather ALL your clothes and look at them as one whole group, not closet by closet or drawer by drawer.  Then move on to books, papers, miscellany and finally photos and mementos.  Marie believes this tidying should be done by YOU, YOU should pick up and handle one object at a time and she claims you only will have to do this once.  Imagine?!

Pinterest  Sometimes you just need a little visual inspiration and I love Pinterest.  You can type in 'home office' or 'pantry ideas' or 'organize kids rooms' and you are delivered a variety of tiny, appealing and motivating photos.  Sometimes that's all you need to start tidying up that cupboard of pots and pans, or the random basement shelves of miscellany.

Let me know any organizing books, inspirations or blogs you love, I so enjoy adding to my arsenal of tips and tidbits.

Tumeric . . . . 2007 . . . . WHAT?

This weeks Nifty Tip comes in a small personal story with an expiration date of 2007.

My husband cleaned up our first floor when I was out running errands on Saturday.  I walked in, saw what he had accomplished and I was INSPIRED to tidy something myself.  It'd been a good year since I last cleaned and purged my little pantry.  As I stood there, looking at my own pantry, I heard myself say things that might sound familiar, "I should have done this months ago, I'm a bad person.  Look at all those shopping bags, I never use them, but I can't throw them out, I think I'll just jam them back up there on that top shelf because I alone have to save the earth.  Oh my gosh, that balsamic vinegar got all over the shelf, this is gross, this is sticky. I'm gross. Why didn't I notice this before?!  Ugh, I don't feel like cleaning, I just feel like tidying, this is too much.  Ok, little spices come over here, let me look at your teeny tiny expiration dates . . . . 2007  . . . #%#&&#%^@%$@@!! Tumeric from 2007, and that is when it EXPIRED, who knew when I bought it.  Paige, you are so disorganized and wasteful and you should have used that $7 bottle of turmeric.  You know what, I'm a mess, I need a diet coke and lie down. I'll do the pantry tomorrow, when I feel up to it."

So much judgement, so many opinions, so many thoughts slowing down a perfectly fun and fabulous 30 minute organizing project.  If that tiny pantry wasn't mine, if I hadn't bought the turmeric myself, if the balsamic vinegar spilled on someone else's shelf, if the paper bags were jammed up in a client's top shelf. . . well, here is what I would have said. "Oh, I love this teeny tiny pantry, so efficient.  Ok, too many bags, which don't you ever use?  The Chipotle ones?  Ok great, let's recycle those, keep one bag of grocery bags in the basement for the book sorting project, keep what fits in this slot and pitch the rest.  Ok, looks like vinegar and oil tray needs a re-boot, where are you paper towels, this will only take a second.  Spices, get over here! Wait, hold on, I need my reading glasses.  HAHAHHAHHAHAHAHhahahahhaha did you know this turmeric expired in 2007, how funny? What was it for?  I know, I buy those $7 spices for one dish too, hysterical!"

Do you hear the difference?  We can be so mean to ourselves and then not only are we organizing the pantry (or our taxes, or the pile of papers, or the bookshelf) we are also berating ourselves, wishing we were different, feeling guilty and coming up with solutions that are too big and tiring -- We will never buy over priced spices again, we will tidy the pantry once a week, we will always clean up the spills RIGHT away.  All that judgement, berating and scheming steals our energy away from simply tidying up, wiping down, sorting, pitching and enjoying our tiny slice of organized pantry. No wonder we give up, have a diet coke and lie down.

May I suggest the next time you bump into an organizing issue in your house you pretend it's not yours.  It's your dear, dear friend's, and you are just helping them out.  Do you feel yourself relax?  Do you hear the encouraging and understanding words you are saying?  Do you see yourself getting a little something done, moving on with your day and patting yourself on the back when you cook dinner and your pantry is neat and tidy?  That 2007 turmeric need not defeat us!!

Paige, Make them STOP Fighting!

Paige, Grampie, Julia, Stephen, Circa 1970.

Ahhh, siblings!  Aren’t we sweet, aren’t we adorable, is it weird I still have the same hairstyle?  So well dressed, so close to each other, so respectful of beloved, good old Grampie.  Family is magical.

Or NOT.

Siblings can often make us completely bananas!  If we could only stop them fighting then our family life would be peaceful, harmonious and (bad word of bad, bad words), perfect!  Some of us have only one child and I assure you that the insights and actions described below will be useful for many, many types of relationships.  Read on one and all! 

Insight:  Sibling relationships are between the siblings (Hi, that does not include you).  

• Action:  Butts thee out of what is not thouest (We have trouble really taking in this fact when it’s said in plain English, let’s try Ye Olde English to see if it helps).

Insight:  Siblings tend to fight fair. One is usually physically more aggressive, the other more verbally cutting.  When we come into the sibling fight and act as judge, jury and policeman we upset the power dynamic.  Now the one you decide is the perpetrator has to be that much meaner, aggressive, biting to fight against their sibling AND their parent.  What a nightmare!

• Action:  Butts thee out of what is not thouest.  (I hear you through the internet . . . “WHAT?  This is UNACCEPTABLE PAIGE!” CLICK, Nifty Tip closed.  Stand up, yell at kids to stop fighting. Click on Jimmy Fallon to watch latest lip syncing contest because they are AHmazing.)

Insight: Sibling fights are like icebergs.  We only see the tippy tippy top and tons and tons of stuff goes on under the water.  

• Action: Watch more closely, ask more questions.  If you have a ‘victim’ do some research and see if he does any snarky, passive aggressive moves before the perp swings into action.  Better yet, go to the park and watch siblings that are not your own.  It can be so much clearer to see this phenomenon in other kids.

Insight: Fighting is a cooperative action.

• Action:  Be grateful your kids know how to cooperate, then walk out of the room.

Insight: Siblings often fight because they are bored, stressed or trying out some new relationship technique that needs fine tuning before they release it into their friendship pool.

• Action: Diagnosing and working on the actual cause of the sibling fight is a quicker way to diminish (not eliminate) many squabbles. 

Insight: Siblings fight because it is a great way to get you to stand up and come to them.

• Action: Stand up and go to them and give them nourishing appropriate attention regularly when behavior is to your liking.  Do NOT give sibling fighting attention on.  What you focus on grows.

Insight:  Siblings relationships are between the siblings.

• Action:  Butts thee out of what is not thouest (bears repeating . . the more we practice this, the better we get at it).

Focus Pocus

In parenting and organizing I see and hear a lot of people trying, in their heart of hearts to make changes.  "Really, I want my house to be tidy and clean.  Honestly, I try to get places on time.  Truly, I long to stop nagging my kids."  What gets in the way?  Oh, there are probably a zillion things we trip over, but one biggie I see is focus.

Focus is hard in this day and age with distractions and information over over-load.  We aren't in just a heavy rain storm of information, options, choices and communication, we are in a tsunami.  In fact, I was just sitting here working on this post and had the thought, "I love my logo, I'm going to zip a text to my graphic designer, Schwa Design, and thank her."  AND I DID IT, AS I AM WRITING A POST ON FOCUS!  HAH!  Hilarious.

People want to 'get organized'.  They hire me, they relax, problem solved, "I shall be organized."  That feeds the beast of novelty and change, for a while.  Then they bump into themselves again, too much paper, late for appointments, messy bedrooms.  "Well, this Professional Organizer has no idea what she's doing.  I think I need some new containers."  Off to the Container Store, the beast is fed, relaxation.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  

Same goes with parenting, we long to believe that taking the class, or buying the book will make your child "Your Own Book Title Here".  We hold onto the latest article, to the shiny container, to the new workshop, to the hope that THIS NEW THING will change the SAME OLD US we keep running into.

I suspect we do this so we don't have to focus, really focus on ourselves.  And this focus is the real deal, the wrinkles, the yelling, the procrastination and the secret thoughts that, "I'm not good enough, I don't measure up."   Magic and inspiration can lie right in that scary focus on our wrinkles, our yelling our procrastination, our nagging.    There is no new organizing/parenting book, blog or workshop that will make you (or your child, or your spouse) vastly different from who you (they) are.  

Here's the rub, if you throw the baby out with the bathwater EACH AND EVERY time, a fresh start, a clean slate, a new you, you will never have the opportunity to figure out what works for the real you.  

For this week, just until the next Nifty Tip arrives in your in box, pick ONE thing to focus on.  If it's paper clutter in your way, maybe decide to file papers in your current, non-ideal, non-perfect system (do not purge, do not re-label folders with a new label maker you bought and you need to figure out, do not read a book or a blog about filing).  If it's nagging, just for the next 6 days keep a notebook and write down the nag FIRST, and then see what happens.  See how I did not say, "Do not nag."?  Be you, AND write the nag down (do not buy a new parenting book, do not sign your child up for an organizing tutor, do not spend 3 hours discussing with your sister about how your own mother/father is the cause of your nagging and if they were only you different you would be the ideal parent). We can do all those things AFTER we spend 6 little days focusing on one small thing.  

Focus and we will see our flaws, we will find some anxiety, we will feel like we don't measure up AND we will learn what works for US. We will learn that there are solutions that bubble up from the essence of who we are.  These solutions are the ones that will stick.  Once our own little imperfect selves are in focus we'll be able to see, really see and make changes.