Disaster Ahead!

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Yo! Parents, people, caregivers, friends, relatives and countrymen.  Summer is almost over, the school year is beginning.  It's usually equal parts dreaming of a perfect future and fretting over upcoming disasters.  Scary thoughts are so compelling that we often hitch our brain train to them and off we go on  rails of doubt, doom and disaster.  It's an easy thing to do AND it's not good for us, not good for our kids and not good for our sleep (and boy do we need sleep).  Below are a few quotes to jolt us off the worry tracks.   We can take our hot and unflattering disaster suits off and practice having faith that thoughts are not reality and when an inevitable disaster hits. . . . we'll all be able to handle it!

Our worry about possible disaster in no way prevents it.  We can only deal with trouble after it happens.   Our best refuge is to have confidence in our children and to take it easy until such time as our talents for coping with disaster are really called upon.  Rudolf Dreikurs

Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.  Leo Buscaglia

I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.  Mark Twain

The Only Shocking Part of That Story is that you are shocked

Oh no the didn't . . . !

I really counted on my sister A LOT when I had my babies.  Her babies were a couple years older then my babies, and she is far more mellow, chill, realistic and reasonable then I am.  I called her once daily -- at minimum.

Also, she's hilarious, irreverent and has real mid-western common sense.  I called her about some drama or another, I honestly can't remember the topic, and she listened. I'm sure it was a repeat drama.  Like I had called her 47 times already with different variations on a theme.  Anyway, she listened, she paused, she said, "Well, the only shocking part of that story is that you are shocked."  WHAT?  OMG, it stopped me dead in my tracks, jolted my brain out of it's crazy vortex of worry and perfection and brought me right back down to planet earth.  Once the shock passed we laughed and laughed.

After I get to know people in parenting classes I'll use that quote on them.  I need to be sure people get my sense of humor before I unleash that awesome piece of advice on them, it has to be used with love, not judgement

How does this relate to you?  I'm so glad you asked! Here are common things we all are shocked by and frankly, as my sister says, "The only shocking part of that story is that you are shocked!" Let's break this sucker down by age.  (Please read through to the end, even if you have little ones).

0-2 1/2:  You are tired.  They cry a lot.  You don't know what to do. You cry a lot.  It's equal parts excruciatingly boring and excruciatingly joyful.  Diapers are expensive.  Your back hurts. They go to the Dr's a lot.  Plastic crap starts multiplying in your house while you are sleeping.  They can't help you DO one gosh durn thang!  They can't tell you what's wrong (the cause of their crying).  The bouncy seat, sling, new formula, cutting out cabbage from your diet, lavender oil, spa music will not necessarily stop the crying.  They cry a lot (worth repeating, it's shocking, I know, I understand).

2 1/2 - 5: They have temper tantrums, even when you speak nicely to them, even when you are reasonable, even when you explain things to them, even when you have given them a choice.  They still cry a lot.  They pick up a bad word or two and use it generously.  They don't sleep through the night.  They won't eat anything green (or white, or meat, or yellow, or soft, or hard, or things that touch each other, or things that are warm or cold).  They are unreliable employees - one day they set the table with all the joy and enthusiasm of a cheerleader, the next day they spit on your forks.  

6 - 9:  Fart jokes are hysterical.  They can do chores but they don't wanna.  They might still cry a lot.  Some still have some awesome tantrums.  They are not self-motivated about a lot of things.  They may not have a passion yet, even though that neighbor kid down the block does.  They are not appreciative that you signed them up for swimming (or tennis, or sleep away camp,  or gymnastics, or rec soccer, or drama class, or that reading tutor).  They just wanna do, what they wanna do, when they wanna do it.

10 - 12: They lie (they want you to love and admire them AND they want to do what they want to do AND they want their friends to love and admire them). They love their screens passionately. They don't wanna hear no research on screen addiction that you found on your screen.  They grow at different rates from the ideal (that's both up growing and out growing and mind growing and maturity growing).  Some have questionable grooming habits.  Some have too rigorous grooming habits.  Friends opinions are more important then ours.

12 - 13:  Temper tantrums can creep up again. Remember the bad words in earlier years?  They use those bad words, but super effectively AND with the correct matching hand motions AND they aren't trying to be funny. They kinda, sorta don't wanna  be seen with you.  (NO car dancing, or dancing of any sort for YOU in this age group -- it LITERALLY hurts them). Worries about stuff they won't tell you.

14 - 18:  The might fib some more.  They try drinking and drugs.  They are sexually aware and might be active.  They sleep the day away.  They are professional relaxers. Avoidance is a great way to deal with stress -- for them (social, academic, college, sports, you name it -- growing up is hard to do).  Alternately, they are professional students and achievers and map out their day and set unrealistic expectations for themselves and just over all over achieve. Rare is the parent of teens that brags, "Yeah, my kids got this -- totally balanced, together, good grades, nice amount of friends, AND chill."

19 - 94:  Lying, crying, tantrums, not sleeping through the night, fighting with siblings, professional relaxation, over achievement, screen addiction, fart jokes, unreliable chore doing, picky eating, being tired all might continue, is to be expected. Do NOT be shocked.  

Why do we do this to ourselves?

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I'm putting on my make up the other day and I finally pull out a new eyeliner pencil I got at the Safeway. As I apply it to my bottom eye lids, it goes on smoothly and nicely and doesn't hurt, or stab or scratch.  I can't BELIEVE what I had been putting myself through for LITERALLY months.  Here's how it all went down . . . .

Back in February I got some new make up from Skin Therapy (I love - Susanne!).  The eyeliner pencil started getting stubby after a few weeks, so I used the electric pencil sharpener to get it back nice and ship shape. Whoops, I guess I was supposed to use one of those manual, tiny pencil sharpeners.  The electric sharpener made the pencil chunky and splintery.  Sigh, I wasn't going to see Susanne for a few weeks so I decided I could sort of use one little edgy part of the pencil and most of the time I didn't stab myself.   What happened then was like the poor frog that gets put in cool water and slowly the heat gets turned up until he's boiled, and he hardly noticed a thing.  Just like the frog, I adapted, tolerated, endured and got used to that stupid pencil for months and months.  I had thoughts like, "I should write this down to remember to ask Susanne to buy another one."  "I can't waste my money though, I have to use this one all up (remember the turmeric?)."  "I can't buy one at Safeway (or CVS, or Amazon), I can ONLY use the one authorized by the professional that gives me facials."  "Maybe I should try another sharpener."  "Ouch, ooch, ouch . . . ok that's fine."  "Hmmm. . . maybe just mascara today."

I see people in my organizing practice do this to themselves ALL the time.  Ever notice how much easier to spot problems, flaws and ares of improvement in other people?  I had to stab my eye for months before I realized I was doing the SAME THING I remind, coach, tell and nag my clients NOT TO DO.

Here's an incomplete list of common things we let slide.  Let's all fix one this week, shall we?

Crappy and torn welcome mat.  Worn, fraying, stained towels.  Toys that are broken or have missing pieces (oh, but Paige, they played with it that one time and had soooo much fun). Old, frumpy pajamas. Not enough underwear.  Mis-matched tupperware.  A cupboard filled with EVERY container from EVERY take out food place you have EVER ordered from.  A closet full of reusable bags (and I mean full, sister friends, so full you are afraid to grab one, and they are bunched and unappealing and just . . . ick).  Burned out lightbulbs.  Wrappers, empty coffee cups, mostly empty soda cans, donate bags, change and other miscellaneous debris strewn throughout the car.  No printer near your computer (arrgghhhhhhh!!!!).  Writing checks by hand instead of online banking.  Buying stuff at Costco you don't need because it was a great price.  Wearing your kids old clothes because they fit-ish.  Eating something that has passed its peak because no one else will, and we shouldn't waste.  Old and worn workout shoes.  Unwatered plants, too many pots of unwatered plants (maybe if we purge a few pots we'd water, I can't say for sure, but it's worth a try). 

Do any of these ring a bell?  Strike a nerve? Make you roll your eyes?  Now the temptation is going to be go to tell someone else to fix their crap. . . so much more satisfying to notice and nag others about their flaws and areas of improvement.  BUT let's be grown-ups here, just for a second.  Hey, I'll even start . . . .  I'm going to buy new towels and replace all my burned out light bulbs this week, and you?

Organized, Shmorganized!

Being organized is something we agree we should do, promise ourselves we'll start doing each and every December 31st (or next Monday, or when school starts, or when the stars align, or when the pigs are flying).  But why?  Why be organized?  If we dig deep and think about how being organized makes us feel, how it changes how we talk to ourselves and how we talk to our children or our partners, we find a well of inspiration and energy. Once we get started (the hardest part), energy and motivation magically builds on itself as our closets become tidier our meals start planning themselves, and the car is always gassed up.

What happens when we get organized?  Here's what you can expect:

Cuts down on friction: Ever notice when you are early for something there is no traffic?  When you are late for something everything goes wrong?  I don't know about you, but I'm a blamer, under stress I start hurling blame, shame and pain at anyone and everyone.  My poor family.  If time is managed more effectively there are not as many angry triggers. I act and speak more respectfully to everyone (including myself).   If I get gas every Thursday, no matter what the gauge says - well then every Saturday I'm ready to drive to soccer practice, no checking, no panicking, no pushing the limit, no looking frantically for a credit card, no swear words as I pass a long line at the pump on the way to the field Saturday morning.

Let's your core values shine through:  If a core value is education we create a homework area where supplies, papers, laptops and books can be kept.  We organize it regularly.  We are consistently plucking out the comic books, the Chipotle receipts and the general crap that inevitably, naturally and habitually creeps in.  We right size our kids extra curricular activities and social life to accommodate down time before homework and ample down time after homework to be ready for sleep.  We are consistent about family quiet time in the evening to set the scene for quiet and thinking endeavors.  We model reading and learning and planning ourselves.

Changes your brain: Routines change your brain.  Once you have routinized something your brain does not have to put much effort into completing the task.  Think about diapering a baby.  I don't know about you, but day one diapering my baby took 20 minutes and a lot of thought.  By day 512 I could diaper my baby, while issuing orders to my toddler, all while talking to my sister on the phone. No sweat.  That's the power of routine. Routines work best when you start building one by one and at the top of the list are things you do EVERY day.  When a routine is lodged in your brain it overpowers your fleeting thoughts and feelings of, "I don't feel like it, I'll wait until later" and you find yourself making your bed without even thinking about it.

Helps during stressful times:  When you swipe and swish your bathroom every day (now that's just taking a damp rag and running it over your bathroom, it's NOT getting out cleaners or sponges or scrubbers or toilet bowl cleaner) - then when someone gets the stomach flu they can pray to the porcelain god without being grossed out by icky gross bathroom stuff.  A surprise guest can use the bathroom without you elbowing them on the way up the stairs to be sure it's all flushed and yuck free.  Best of all, you get to use a fresh-ish, hotel-ish, clutter free-ish  bathroom every day, every SINGLE day.  You deserve it!

It's Fun!  With the right attitude,  some practice, and some peppy music (Duran Duran was (is) AWESOME!), a reasonable time limit and enough trash bags - organizing is fun.  It really is.  It's also a strangely satisfying endeavor -- think of organizing as a cheap thrill for your brain and eyes.  

Splish, Splash. . . . Chores

Summer is the PERFECT time to train children in household chores AND let them practice.  Here's some hard won, personal, in the trenches, school of hard knocks lessons I've learned about training and practicing of chores.

The terrain of chores and children is never straight, narrow or smooth. The Chore Road is curvy, loopy,  bumpy, crazy and unpredictable.  Here are 5 particular bumps, curves, and loops to look out for:

1.  Waiting until you are tired to ask for the chore to get done - folks, we simply have to go to bed if we are tired.  Trying to engage children in "helping" us when we are tired and grumpy is impossible and almost always backfires.

2.  Wanting it to be perfect - learn to love a lumpy bed, cherish the few Doritos that don't make it in the ziplock, squint when you look at the swept-ish floor.  There will be time to do it perfectly, this summer ain't the time!

3. If the kids do one chore cheerfully . . .. well, we add on another.  If they do one cheerfully, be grateful and quiet and satisfied.  We all are so annoyed when we give kids an inch and then they ask, whine and beg for a mile! Don't BE that person.

4. We don't follow through or we aren't consistent.  We probably won't be 100% consistent, nor will we follow through every time, but at least try.  Aim lower to hit the mark, to get in the game, rather then announcing some big management change and then giving up because it's too hard to enforce.  Better they unload the groceries and change the towels to the dryer then nothing at all.

5. We are too controlling.  We monitor, we check in, we comment, we give unsolicited nifty tips, we re-do.  Stop.  Take off your glasses so it all goes into soft focus and  pour yourself a cucumber infused water (or cold beer or margarita) and sit down.  Good enough is good enough.

Here's a sample of age appropriate chores to get you inspired, thinking and into action:

4-5 Year Olds:  Set the table, put sandwiches and chips into baggies, dress by self (including choosing outfit, remember YOU are in control of what clothes are in their room and available to them), pour drinks for self and family.  Keep your expectations in line for this age group -- chores will stay interesting about the same amount of minutes as their age.  

6-10 Year Olds:  Wake up to own alarm clock (summer is PERFECT training time for this.  Late for camp, who cares? Miss a morning playdate, so what?)  If you stay out of their way you will learn their preferences, pitfalls, habits and when the school year starts you will be able to work with them.  After a late and harried morning in which I didn't BUTT in I realized the sleepy son I was so often annoyed with WANTED to get to school on time.  He experimented with setting his alarm clock LATER  and gosh darned if that kid didn't start getting up on time with a minimum of drama.  Magic.

1t - 12:  Making or changing an appointment.  This age group can practice looking at a calendar, determining when they can go the orthodontist (or dentist, or doctor) and then CALL the orthodontist (or dentist, or doctor) to make the appointment.  A good tip here is to role play the call a couple times and then leave the room when they make the call.  Watch out for the drama of, "I can't do that!  YOU do it MOM!  NO ONE else has to do this."  The more you accept and tolerate the drama, without reacting or feeding into it, the sooner it generally dies down. 

13 - 18:  Menu planning & cooking:  Gotta learn some time, might as well be the summer of 2015.  Kids this age can certainly plan and cook a meal and get it on the table.  Have them select something when you are making your shopping list.  Offer up your recipes, or let them explore on the internet.  Watch out for the speed bumps of squishing their ideas, not eating the food, or making them choose something else to cook because what they want to make is too easy (or too hard).  I learned to love, nay ADORE, a meal of pasta (white, delicious and yummy and fabulous ALL white pasta -- nary a whole grain to be found) with sauce from a jar, broccoli and a warmed up breaded chicken patty from A BAG.  Don't knock it til you try it, we forget how sublime a breaded chicken patty can taste!

The Heart of the Issue

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"The act of cluttering is really an instinctive reflex that draws our attention away from the heart of the issue."  Marie Kondo, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up.

Do you ever consider that you are actually cluttering your life when you acquire or sign up for too much?  The ACT of cluttering - let's ponder that for a while.  Could it be that we clutter up our houses and our calendars to avoid the heart of the matter?

Too many clothes to avoid the actions needed to lose the weight to be healthier and more energized.

Too many activities to avoid the conflict of sibling squabbles.

Too much junk food to avoid the reality of the pain in the rear end it is to plan, go to the grocery and cook.

Too many new ideas so we don't finish any ONE of them?

Any of this sound familiar?  

Where is clutter covering up the heart of your issues?  We have hit the half year mark and clutter is certainly covering up the heart of some of my goals, what about you?  Look back to any goals you set, or just remember back on January 1st all the good intentions you had (we can do a quick review of goal setting:  This is Tomorrow and Five Keys for a Good Relationship With Your Resolutions).

July is perfect re-set weather! Uncover the clutter in your house, in your closet and in your schedule and see if you can't find the goals and golden nuggets hidden beneath.  

Alternatives to Nagging

Below is an article published in the June 2015 Washington Parent.  Summer is the perfect time to try some new parenting tools.  Nagging is a real relationship drainer and NOW is the time to find some alternatives!  Try one now, save one for later.

Definition: Nag: 1. To annoy by constant scolding, complaining or urging. 2. To scold, complain find fault constantly.

We all know we should not nag, hate to be nagged ourselves and surely nag our children many, many, MANY times a day. Why do we do it, and what can we do instead of nagging?

Clinical psychologist and author of "The Blessing of a Skinned Knee" and "The Blessing of a B Minus," Wendy Mogel says, "We all know nagging doesn't work, but we are filled with hope. The paradox is that when you keep nagging you continue to fill your child with hope that he or she can continue to outsource the responsibility for whatever needs to get done to YOU [Mom or Dad]!"

Mogel goes on to say, "It's a tic and a habit. We are imagining a scenario that has never once happened in the history of parents and children." The dream looks like this: The parent will nag about the homework (or dirty towels or unwalked dog). The child will look up adoringly into the parent's face and say, "Thank you so much for elucidating me on this very important principal of accountability, especially considering the amount that you do for me!" Then the child will begin the homework (pick up the dirty towels or walk the dog). To parents, nagging feels like an insurance policy to protect our kids from ever suffering a C minus, a friend being mad or a forgotten baseball glove.

In reality, nagging erodes relationships. Kids enjoy (tolerate, hear) one nag. It shows we care, we love them and we notice what is going on in their life. With the second nag they hear, "I don't trust you. You are not capable. You cannot manage your own life or succeed without my backing you up." This is NOT the message we want to send. How do we instead send a message of love, faith and encouragement? Here's a seven-step action plan.

1   Apologize. Meghan Leahy, a Washington, D.C ., parent coach, suggests starting by apologizing, "Wow, I'm really trying to control you guys. Nobody likes to be controlled - over and over and over." Then keep your mouth shut. If you have to, literally sit on your hands to remind yourself NOT to talk. The energy used in being silent is immense. Being quiet IS an action.

2   Notice Improvement. Focus on the 85 percent of good or appropriate behavior, and see if it grows. Pay attention - did they turn in their homework more this week than they did last week? Comment on the turned-in homework only. Did they use some self-control when they were angry at their sibling after school? Say, "Hey, that made a more peaceful dinner time." Include yourself, too! How many times did you choose to keep your mouth shut instead of nagging? Notice improvement - yours, theirs and ours.

3   Give a Hug. That's it. You'll all feel better.

4   Focus on Yourself. Do an undesirable chore of your own - you know, clean out your closet, purge your recipes, do your budget, organize your taxes, call that relative, do a workout, edit your digital photos … I could keep going - we all have enough to do on our own without adding everything our kids need to do.

5   Take Notes and Study.  Mogel says, "Note a couple of things. First, the things you nag about most often, the content and the topic. Take note of the time of day it's happening, the day of the week and what's been going on in the child's life." This will give you clues to see if the nagging is about stress, yours or theirs. It also gives you clues to the topics that really matter to you, which will then help you focus on finding creative ways to work on those issues, rather than engage in global nagging. Mogel adds that part of the "anti-nagging program is to make sure the kids have enough good stimulation, and it means you need to learn something about child development." The Gesell Institute books by Louise Bates Ames, et al., "Your One-Year-Old, Your Two-Year-Old," etc., through "Your Ten- to Fourteen-Year-Old" are a great place to start. Reading will both enlighten us and keep us busy so we don't nag.

6   Ask Questions and Listen. Ask your child, "How often do you think you need to do laundry?" "When is the most productive time for you to do homework?" "Any tips you have for staying focused?" Questions are encouraging and relationship building. The speed bump we can expect is that, once we ask the question, we have to listen to the answer without commenting. Listening twice as much as we talk is a way to learn about and get closer to our kids. The more we know about our child, and the closer we are, the more influence (and cooperation) we can expect. The more cooperation, the less nagging. Magic.

7   Work on the Relationship. More than likely, all of us have been deep down in the nagging hole. There we are at the bottom and the only tool we have is the shovel that got us there in the first place (nagging). It can be lonely, dark and depressing down there. Not to fear - Meaghan Leahy is there to give us a another, overlooked tool, one that's been there all along. "The rope out is always the relationship with the child. It's there. Trust, confidence, goodwill, some boundaries."

I hope these actions will open up new, creative and encouraging ways for you to see and be with your beloved child. Leahy says, "You will have times of missteps with your child, but it's a dance and it's forever."

Size Matters

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Do you see the desk in the photo?  Do you notice anything about it?  Take a minute, scroll back up, please look. . . . .

Ok, what did you see?

Did you see that the desk was waaaaaayyyyy bigger then the lap top?

Ok, I don't want to be really bossy and annoying, especially after that SUPER FUN post I did last week and MOST especially because I am currently on vacation, but sometimes I just have to come to your guys rescue.  I really do.  I love you all too much to let you do this to yourselves.

I have gone into one too many houses where parents have assigned themselves the teeniest, weeniest little desks and what fits on the desk is a computer, a key board, a mouse pad and a pen and maybe (just maybe) a couple stack of sticky notes.  PEOPLE, size MATTERS.  Get a desk that you can actually work on.  You running your life deserves some primo real estate.

Now, I also see people with ample sized desks and do you know what we FIND?  . . .. . 13 projects that we mean to get to and don't have time.  Unopened mail (72.7% of it junk mail).  Kids artwork and homework.  Spouse's projects that they have ignored.  Travel books from the 1990s.  Various bits and pieces from the toolkit in the basement.  Copious hairbands, lipsticks, hand wipes, thermometers, bandaids and keys mixed in with the files and folders and supplies.  Tax records float perilously close to Athleta catalogs, bills to pay are in the same zone as old Holiday Cards that didn't get sent.  Do you know what this DOES to a professional organizer?  The stress, the strain!

Deep breath.  People, if you are running your life, your kids lives, your partners life -- maybe even your parent's life or you are going to school or running a business, YOU NEED A BIGGER DESK!  Then you need to guard that open real estate with all the vigor of a World War I soldier.  It's TRENCH WARFARE PEOPLE.  NO kids papers on your desk.  NO hairbands, no other people's projects, no memorabilia, no random photos, no items that belong in your medicine cabinet.  Will all of this stuff magically appear on your big enough desk?  Yes!  So get a fitbit and walking all that stuff to and fro to where it belongs will help you reach your stepping goals, or you can put a basket at your feet that is for "Stuff that ain't mine".

One more thing, if I may, please get a BIG and WIDE recycle bin.  Please, please,  PLEASE.  Put this big and wide recycle/trash bin right on the other side of your feet from the "Stuff Ain't Mine Bin".  

Promise?

Ok, I feel better and I can't wait to hear about the relaxed productivity that ensues!

Enjoy, Relax, Have Fun!

Photo by Jupiterimages  /Polka Dot / Getty Images

I can hear you over the internet . . . . "Finally, a post that's fun and not bossy or depressing."  It's a relief, it's summer, it's fuuuuuunnnnnnnnn!

Having fun together is one of the best, most effective and life enhancing relationship tool.  Better then a well crafted "I Message", better then a routine (well, wait, hold on, I love me a routine), better then a logical consequence, better then a lecture.

We forget that laughing together, sharing a delightful moment, going on an adventure is the real glue that binds us.  The relationship  is where we find the powerful influence we are searching for.  Summer is the perfect time to add in the fun, the spice, the laughter.  Here are some ideas for you.

Banangrams - great for all ages, funny, and the teeniest bit educational for any over achieving parents out there.

Hiking - not too long (seriously, I know YOU can go 5 miles), just a couple miles, somewhere pretty with a sugary and yummy snack, in a nice portion control size baggie.  Outside + fresh air + movement + not too long + yummy treat = fun memories or awful memories that are fun to share later.  Win or Win.

The Onion - Seriously?  Honestly? It's not called, "America's Finest News Source" for no reason.   There is something for everyone, here are a few of my favorites:  Man Treats Mother to Details,  More Colleges Offer Dick Around Programs, and this one just slays me, I am giggling right now . . . Cracks In Facade Visible As Teen Enters Third Day Vacationing With Friend’s Family.

Cooking - if you cook stuff they want to eat and you let them help it can be a lot of fun.  Some hard won tips -- cook with only one child with you in the kitchen, otherwise it's all elbows to the ribs and complaining about who gets to do what or who has to do what.  Also, let them cook messy.  So much more fun if you aren't tense and wiping up every dang spill behind them. 

Ignore them.  Some benign neglect is just perfect for summer.  Don't get roped in by them whining at you, "I'm soooo bored."  If you hear them coming, head for the bathroom with your kindle and feign stomach distress, they'll figure something out.

Watch the unfolding with the fireflies.  Fireflies are magical little creatures that come and go so quickly.  A perfect metaphor for watching our children (or ourselves) unfold.   We are all unfolding into the people we are supposed to be.  Sometimes instead of coaxing, worrying, lecturing, nagging, reminding, checking, double checking . . . we can just sit back and relax, enjoy who they are today, enjoy who we are today.  Then we can watch the fireflies and laugh about all the fun we had that day. . . what could be more summery?

Habits and routines are for losers

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People, we often underestimate the power, control and nimbleness of a solid habit or routine.  We snub our noses at the ordinary, the old fashioned, the simple.  But listen, there is so much amazing brain research out there that proves what our Grandmas knew.  Routines and habits BE gettin' the job done.

1.  When something is routine or a habit we do not have to weigh options, reinvent the wheel or check in with our feelings to get into action.  It's Sunday, it's laundry day, I do the laundry.  I do the laundry if I'm tired, have a cold, just got back from vacation or horror of all horrors, I don't FEEL like doing the laundry.  I do the laundry if there are 5 loads or 1/2 a load.  Bada boo, bada bing - clean clothes all week long!

2.  Routines and habits help us parent, and I for one need all the help I can get!  It's not so much we are mean, it's just that we always do a 10 minute tidy before bed time.  It's not that I'm controlling so much as NO ONE moves on with their evening until the kitchen is clean.  Dad isn't a poop, it's that we only watch TV Friday - Sunday.

3.   Habits and routines treat us gently and kindly.  If I have the habit of looking at my calendar each and every time I make an appointment I avoid re-scheduling, re-jiggering and accidentally double booking my day.  When we are late, when we double book, when we are unprepared we usually aren't so nice to ourselves.  Running late?  Every red light is personal, every slow driver is out to get me, and oh the berating I give myself. After I've been so mean to myself, I certainly deserve that giant, sugary coffee drink to forgive me for all the insults I hurled at myself.  Habits and routines can minimize these moments, short circuit the cycle, get us on a better path.

4.  Routines and habits free us up to do more interesting things. When getting up, getting out of the house, laundry, dishes, tidying, are mostly routine -- we then have time for more fun stuff.  Planning trips, going to parties, playing Banangrams, trying a new recipe, researching new video cameras or reading a new book. . . 

5.  Routines and habits are so fun that here's some reading for us all!  Focus. The Hidden Driver of Excellence - amazing brain research on how to focus, what happens when we lose focus.  The Power of Habit - you will never look at Febreze the same way.  Crazy/Busy - an easy quick read that nails the argument FOR routine, Hallowell makes them sound fun.

"Everything can Change"

 Ever look at your life and say, "I can't stand it anymore?  How did I get here?" Pretty sure I'm not alone feeling stuck, stale and  yucky.

I mentioned Alfred Adler last week (A Funny Thing Happened . .  ) and after a weekend surrounded by his ideas, thoughts, quotes and theory I am reenergized and I want to share it with YOU!  Here are some fabulous Adlerian concepts to put the pep back in your step.

1.  We all work from our own private logic.  Meaning we all have different thoughts and ideas about how life is and how life should be.  I know you know this, but do you really KNOW it?  Do you realize your spouse, your kids, your siblings live in a similar reality, but with (sometimes vastly) different interpretations.  We all BEHAVE by this private logic.  Let me boil this down for you, people aren't so much acting like selfish jerks, they are acting in relation to their private logic (which is different then yours, not necessarily wrong). Remember, we are all the hero of our own story line.

2.  We get to know someone else's private logic by listening (not lecturing).  Adler's colleague, Rudolf Dreikurs said, "Their ideas and viewpoints are important, particularly since they act in accordance with them!" 

3. Family of origin, birth order, genetics, experiences influence our lives, but do not determine it.  Adler said, "Everything can be different."  So if our sister was the smart one growing up, well we can still head to graduate school in our 30's.  If our brother was the athletic one, no matter - we can train for a 5k, 10k, heck even a marathon in our 40's.  If our cousin was the artistic one, why we are the only one holding ourselves back from painting or writing or sculpting in our 50's.

4.  Adler was action oriented, “Trust only movement. Life happens at the level of events, not of words. Trust movement.”  We can read and cogitate and plan and stew and think all we want, but life happens by movement.  We gotta get MOVING.  Try something, dip our toe in, get into action.  I LOVE IT!

5.  And lest we get nervous about taking the exact RIGHT action, Adler said, "The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions."  There you go, pin that quote on your bathroom mirror and watch your courage flourish.

6.  "No experience is a cause of success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences, so-called trauma - but we make out of them just what suits our purposes." The sad childhood, the embarrassing adolescence, the rejection from the college we wanted to get into, the heartbreak in our twenties -- these do not cause our suffering today, it's the story we tell around these events, the interpretations we glean, the choices we make.  Adler doesn't deny that sad, embarrassing and traumatic things happen, AND what we do with these events is the key.

7.  We are all familiar with nature and nurture.  We are who we are because of our genetics or because of what happened to us, or a combo of the two.  Adler threw in one more element, The Creative Self.  We take our nature and nurture and mix them in with our interpretations and voila - we get who we are.  This creative self is filled with possibility, can be edited, added to, reinterpreted.  So, to end with the beginning, "Everything can change!"
 

A funny thing happened . . . . .

I'm so excited . .  .I'm going to my first NASAP (North American Society of Adlerian Psychology) conference on Friday!  Now who here has ever heard of Alfred Adler?    Wait, don't click closed, don't swipe me away.  Adlerian Psychology is fun and exciting, relevant, useful and rich.  Let me show you one of Adler's insights through a story I love to tell . . . 

**Back in 1972, when kids wore polyester a lot and Moms ignored their children a lot, two boys, ages 8 (Tommy) & 10 (Stu) had just finished 2 weeks of camp about 15 miles from their house.  They usually walked everywhere, but for this camp they got to ride a school bus with kids ranging from 5 - 17.  Boy, did they learn A LOT from the older kids - a real fountain of information came from those big guys in the back of the bus.  Tommy and Stu knew,  from their piano teacher (see, those lessons are worth the money),  if they wanted to retain what they learned they had better practice.  

Stu looked and Tommy and said, "Hey, Tommy, ya wanna swear today?". Tommy thought for a second and could see no down side, "Sure Stu, why don't you say damn and I'll say hell today?"  Stu agreed and they spit on their palms and shook on it to seal the deal.  Down the boys went to the kitchen where Mom was having her second cup of coffee.  She beamed at them as they came in,  happy and content to have her boys to herself for a few days before they left for the beach.

She greeted them with a big smile and a warm hug and said, "Honey buns, what would you like for breakfast this morning?"  Stu, ready to practice his lesson said, "I want some damn cereal!"  WHAT?  Mom couldn't believe it.  Well, Stu got unceremoniously dragged into the hall, at the bottom of the stairs got a swift, firm swat on the rear (it's the 70's) and sent him to his room until his father got home.  As Stu trudged up the stairs Mom took a deep breath, smoothed her apron and went back into the kitchen to start again.  She looked at Tommy with a tired, but loving look and said, "Sweetums, now what would YOU like for breakfast?"  Tommy was a keen observer and a quick learner,  looked up at his Mom, defensive, bewildered and said, "I don't know, but it sure as hell isn't gonna be cereal!"

I crack up every time I tell this story.  Tommy and Stu capture the Adlerian concept that children are keen observers and not always accurate interpreters. We assume our kids receive the message we intend to send, but do they? Do they misinterpret, translate improperly or just generally assume we mean one thing when really we meant another?  I say yes, YES they do!  I think people misinterpret people - all day, every day.  What to do about it?  Oh I don't know, let's just laugh together today and next week I'll share inspiration, stories, ideas and tips from NASAP!

** Based on a story told in "A Primer of Adlerian Psychology", Mosak & Maniacci.

Shhhhh . . . . Anger is Telling You Something (or Speak Up . . . . I can't hear you!)

Photo by mattjeacock/iStock / Getty Images

Anger is a wily one. It can come out so loud that we can't hear over the yelling, shaming and blaming.  Or, it can go undercover (repressed) anger and be so quiet that we don't hear any message at all.  Anger is a message, see below for some common translations.

Values: When we are chronically angry about homework, table manners, grades, keeping rooms neat we might have hit something that we value and hold in high esteem.  

Alternatives to Anger: If I value homework getting done maybe I create a quiet and device free zone from 7-8 each night.  I could inspire us with some new school supplies.  And listen to this, I could sit and do my own work while my child works.  I could do some AP modeling  and let my intellectual curiosity shine by studying my own books or information I find interesting. See, I'll be so busy doing all that highlighting and note taking,  I won't have time to yell or nag.

Personal Space: Sometimes kids can just be too much and we feel smothered by all the needs, wants, desires and strong feelings that kids bring to us.  Our anger might be a way of telling us that we need a wee bit more time alone, or more help around the house, or our kids need to get used to some benign neglect so we can read a book, or paint our nails, or watch the basketball game.  

Alternatives to Anger: If I need more personal space and feel smothered - well it's summer soon and there are tons of teens out there who would like to make a buck or two, why not ask them to take the kids to the park twice a week, just for a few hours, and enjoy my quiet house?  It will minimize the yelling (not extinguish it).

Ready for Responsibility (but they need the pink slip first):  If we get angry every day about our kids' waking up, packing their backpack or getting dressed it could be that anger is telling us it's time to hand over responsibility.  The trick here is we have to really hand them the pink slip to waking up in the morning (packing their back back, getting dressed) and it might get bumpy. Aint' nobody gonna take responsibility for something they don't own!

Alternatives to Anger:  If it's time to hand over responsibility to my kid I could ask someone with older kids how they did it and get support in letting go (it's harder then it looks).  I could train the beloved child in waking up to an alarm clock and see what happens.  If I let the child struggle with the alarm clock instead of me I won't have to stomp upstairs so many times ready to rumble.  I can greet the child (who might be early or late) with open arms and find out what he learned.

Nice and Accommodating (repressed anger):  Here's a twist - sometimes our anger goes way underground and our theory is that if we are just super duper nice and accommodating then really the child has to do what we want them to, right? I'm so nice, how could they not? Just like we try to control through fear and bluster with aggressive anger, so too can we try to control with sweetness and light.  If we say things in just the right way, with just the right timing, with just the right healthy snack - well then why WOULD'T they do their homework (have good manners, get good grades, keep their rooms clean)?  (What we might really mean is  "How COULD they not do their homework, have good manners, get good grades, keep their rooms clean, AFTER all we've done for them?")

Alternatives to Anger:  If I control with over-nicing people I might have no idea it's a problem because, after all, I'm so nice how can anyone criticize me?  If I have a good friend, an honest spouse, a wise teen, they might tell me and then I could see where I'm being just as controlling as my angry counterpart.  I could turn some of the nice on myself and treat myself to all those kind words and healthy snacks.  Then I'll have more energy to learn and discover the child I actually live with, rather then the one I'm trying to control.  And when I'm not spending so much time being nice I can discover who I really am too. I might just not be so nice . . . . and that might be a relief to everyone we live with.

Stress & Overwhelm: Sometimes we are angry simply because we are tired, hungry,over caffeinated, have to go the bathroom, under caffeinated, are mad at our brother-in-law, had something go terribly wrong at work or any other number of things that upset us normal, everyday, overbooked parents.

Alternatives to Anger: If I am feeling stressed and overwhelmed I could drink 1/2 a cup less coffee today, I could add in a 15 minute walk around the block, I could realize that my brother-in-law is doing the best he can, I could go to the bathroom before I talked to the kids about all the legos on the floor.  Sometimes I can short circuit an anger episode just by realizing it's something I can easily fix or alter in my own routine.

Diagnosing the problem correctly can take a heavy load off us (and our relationships).  We have to listen to the anger, we have to see what's underneath the fury, we have to feel the vulnerable emotions (see Anger: A Primer).  Scary, but you know what, we can do it!  Our tempers and emotions are the climate control for the house, let's learn how to use that thermostat properly and effectively.

Scared Little Mouse

Photo by Ablestock.com/AbleStock.com / Getty Images

I hear you .  . . "Ummmm, Paige, why  is the title 'Scared Little Mouse' and the photo above is a big, scary, aggressive Grizzly?"  Good question people!  

Last week we learned that anger is a cover for scarier, more vulnerable emotions, like feeling unheard, powerless, disrespected, overwhelmed and smothered, to name a few. (Click on Anger: A Primer if you need a refresher.)  Our kids see us as this big Grizzly when are yelling and losing our minds to get things done.  If they saw beneath the fur coat they'd see the scared little mouse, trapped and using the only tools we think we have, yelling, gnashing teeth, clawing our way out and through our family to get to work on time (or get homework done, dinner eaten, baths taken, rooms cleaned up).  

Let's hit pause and ask ourselves if all that ferocity is building the relationship, the child's self-respect and our self-respect? Or is it wearing down the relationship, the child's self-respect and our self-respect?

I imagine our child walking in the forest of our family and consider, would they dare to ask that Grizzly how to clean up the chocolate they accidentally got on the white couch, or what to do because their best friend started smoking pot, or they blew off their science fair project and have only 12 hours to get it done, or how to do their own laundry, ?  I doubt it.  They'd probably wait until the Grizzly was distracted by some blueberries (a glass of wine or an i pad) or was hibernating (sleeping, out of the house) and then they'd try to figure out the chocolate clean up (or hide it), the pot smoking, the science fair project, the laundry, in secret, when all was quiet and safe.

And then I imagine in a few years, when the child we are trying to control with anger is  24 and needs to get themselves to the car in the morning. . . will they need a big ole Grizzly behind them (a mean boss, a demanding partner, a vicious voice in their head) to get them moving?  Is anger really the best way to teach or practice doing what needs to get done?

This is so depressing!   Whether we unleash it like the Grizzly, or if we repress it and become icy and cold, or if our kids use it to control the situation (you know the families that walk around on eggshells to stop the angry kid from hijacking the day).  

Hot or cold, theirs or ours, anger touches all our lives. When it bubbles up we have a choice what to do.  Stay tuned because next week I'll help you interpret what anger is really saying along with options and actions we can use that will build the relationship and keep our child's and our self-respect intact.  I can't wait!

Anger: A Primer (or "Pay No Attention to the Little Man Behind the Curtain")

From ages 0 - 32 my go to overwhelm emotion was crying.  If I wanted to rally the troops around me and get something done, I would cry and pout.  At 32 with two children under four,  I was suddenly the adult (I am the youngest in my family origin and baby was/is an accurate way to describe me). In my new found adulthood I realized I couldn't call my sister crying to solve the getting out of the house in the morning problem.  No, I had to get two smallies out of the house, EVERY day.  The tears didn't work on them.  I dug in my tool box and the only thing I found was ANGER, and people, anger works.  People MOVE when you are yelling at them. What a discovery, be a total jerk until people succumb to your will.  Fabulous!

However, as we know, all good things must come to an end and I went to PEP (Parent Encouragement Program) to learn about parenting (well, I really went to have them  fix my kids, but that's another story for another time)  and learned the destructiveness of unleashing anger on the people you love the most in the world.  

Anger touches all our lives, it's an energy, it's information, it's a guide and it shouldn't be repressesed, unleashed or ignored.  It's such a big topic that I have more posts about it (so exciting!) so if you are left feeling unsatisfied, don't get angry (tee hee), there is more to come.  For this week let's consider that anger covers up scarier emotions that we would rather not admit to, let alone feel.  Shall we go through some examples?  

We yell at our kids to put their shoes on.  Consider we really feel unheard and disrespected, they put their shoes on at pre-school, why won't they listen to us?

We are furious  and nag when homework doesn't get done.  Perhaps we are scared they won't get into college, ever get a job, or live up to their potential?

We are hostile and aggressive when our four year old gets up for the 723rd time to ask for something at bedtime.  Might it be we are desperately tired and feel smothered by our beloved child?

Anger actually comes from a place of vulnerability rather then strength.  Think the Great and Powerful Oz behind the curtain -- just a regular guy (parent), living in a foreign land (kids are strange and beautiful creatures), trying to get home (or to work, or to bed).  We use all sorts of bluster, smoke and scary voices to hide the fact that we are just a regular guy from Kansas, scared and alone, with some pots, pans and a smoke machine behind the curtain.

Next time we (or they) get angry, let's see if we (or they) are really feeling - ignored, scared, anxious, unheard, disrespected, abused, smothered, tired, overwhelmed, teased, broken-hearted, embarrassed, humiliated, unappreciated, sick, wounded, hopeless, small or taken advantage of.  Changes the game, huh?