It's Harder then it Looks!

Leo Tolstoy

“He was happy, but not at all in the same way as he had expected. At every step he found himself disillusioned in his former dreams while also discovering new, unexpected enchantments. Levin was happy, but on entering into family life he saw at every step that it was not at all what he had imagined. At every step he felt as a man might feel who, after admiring the smooth, cheerful motion of a boat on the water, actually gets into the boat himself. He saw that apart from having to sit steadily in the boat without rocking, he also had to keep in mind, without forgetting for a moment where he was going, that there was water beneath his feet, that he had to row, that his unaccustomed hands hurt, and that it was easy only when you looked at it, but that doing it, though it made you very happy, was very hard.”

—Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina, 1877

When you dreamt of having kids and parenting what kind of picture did you have in your mind? Were your dream kids well behaved and quiet or rambunctious and a bit like Calvin from “Calvin and Hobbes?” Was your house neat and tidy in your dream family? Did you all eat a healthy dinner each night as you discussed literature and current events? Did your kids excel at sports, piano, school, and were they polite to boot? How about you? Were you patient and kind and crafty in your dream family?

Well, those dreams are wonderful to think about, and yet the reality of family life often turns out quite differently. It’s not that reality is a nightmare, it’s just that our real kids are slightly different then our dream kids and our real selves can be a wee bit more tired, grumpy, confused, and impatient then our dream selves.

I bring this up because it’s good to wake up and smell the coffee, so to speak. It’s empowering to look around your family and see the gifts you received that you weren’t clever enough to even dream of, and the fantasies you had that you now have to discard. We get into  “parenting mischief” when we parent from our dream state. When we expect our kids (and ourselves) to be different then who they really are we get upset, anxious, worried, angry and disappointed.

 The analogy of watching the boat sailing smoothly in Tolstoy’s quote is so perfect for parenting. Once we steady the boat and get used to the oars that work in the 4 year old water, guess what happens? The 4 year old turns 5, the currents change, the weather shifts, new people and activities enter the boat and we have to start all over again. Then forget about it when they turn into tweens or, gasp, teens!

So best to be mostly awake while we steer the boat of our family because as Tolstoy said, “it was easy only when you looked at it, but that doing it, though it made you very happy, was very hard.”

Non-Buddha Parts

Years ago I saw Tich Nhat Hanh, a famous Buddhist monk, speak at the Warner Theater in DC.  There were two things I remember clearly.  Number one, we chanted for about 347 hours.  It was chanting and then breathing and it was excruciatingly boring and NOTHING was happening.  As he'd end one chant he'd say, 'We are moistening the soil".  Thank you very much Tich Nhat, but I'll skip all that moistening of the soil and let's go right into enlightenment and a little peace please, that is, after all, what I paid for.  Here's what I wanted, I wanted him to talk for 30 minutes and I wanted all my angst about the past, and fear about the future to melt away, and melt away FOREVER. AND to know, truly, what to do next. To be absolutely be clear about the next right action, and go forth and do said next right action, and then always live in this peaceful and knowing place.  Was I asking too much?  

Second, Tich Nhat Hanh made the analogy that the Buddha was like the Lotus Flower.  Buddha was made up not just of peace and right action, but he was also made up of non-Buddha parts (anger, confusion, shame). Like the Lotus Flower, the Buddah needed the mud and the ugly roots to flourish and grow.

Are you as annoyed as I am right now? We are like the lotus flower, no better then the Buddha. We are all made up of non-Buddha parts. We can't surgically remove the anger, impatience, angst, worry, fear, disappointment from ourselves. We can moisten the soil with laughing, caring for each other and listening. When we moisten the soil we make it easier to loosen the weeds and plant the good stuff to grow and flourish.

With parents I lead an exercise where we go back in our memories and draw a quick picture of our family of origin from around the age of 6ish. We give each person 3 characteristics. Participants share their family for 3-5 minutes. As I sit there, as I have for the last decade, I'm always struck by the universality of our experience. The hurts that run deep in our childhoods, the way we feel like we didn't measure up, or they didn't measure up, permeates all our stories.  We believe, if only the childhood would have been different the suffering, pain and confusion would not be here. Alas dear readers, we are all recovering children, we all are looking for that stable ground, for that love, cherishing and acceptance from our parents (or ourselves).

Families are like the lotus flower.  We grow from the muck and the mud and if we cleaned it all up, there would be no where for the roots to flourish. 

So think of all the reading aloud time, the family dinners, the setting and upholding limits, bickering, family trips, late night snuggles, ginger ale shared on the couch when people are sick, that's the moistening of the soil. The daily rituals, struggles and routines are the chanting. When we finally get to stop and we rest, we see that our beautiful/peaceful family is made up of non-beautiful/non-peaceful parts. And so it is for all of us.

#SpringCleaning!

Photo by Howard Shooter/Dorling Kindersley RF / Getty Images

Purge a little, toss a little, purge a little, toss a little, cheep, cheep, cheep. Toss a lot, purge a little more! (Music Man, anyone?)

Books:  Look around, what books (that other people wrote) are cluttering up YOUR space?  Those books won’t make you smarter, more organized, your introvert more extroverted.  They won’t get dinner on the table or straighten out that mess with your mother-in-law.  Be ruthless, donate ones that have served their purpose and open up your bookshelves to the life you are living NOW. 

Self Defeating Thoughts:  If you hear yourself saying the words ALWAYS or NEVER, you can be fairly certain that you are in a self defeating self talk loop.  "My kids never do their homework."  "My spouse is always late".  "I’m never going to lose these last 5 pounds."  Purge those words PEOPLE!  Throw them out, see what comes up in the empty space.  "My kids are clearing their places almost every evening."  "My spouse is more on time then he was 10 years ago."  "My fitbit has energized me to walk every day."  Do you hear it?  Purge always and never.  These little buggers will keep coming into our self talk, be prepared to purge and toss over and over (cheep, cheep, cheep).

New Ideas:  This one is edgy – you may not like it, AND we are almost ½ way through the year.  Purge the new projects and go back and continue to work on the projects you picked in January, see Five Keys for a Good Relationship with Your Resolutions and This IS Tomorrow for a refresher.  Generating projects and ideas feel so good in the moment, and in reality create more clutter in our lives, make us stressed and tend to make us less motivated and productive.  I know, I hear you, you think I’m squashing your creativity.  I’m not.  I’m helping you spring clean so in December you e-mail me and say, “Paige, it’s so exciting, I got that basement cleared out, the kids rooms tidied, I exercise 5 times a week. I’m so glad I focused!”

Closets, Drawers and Calendars:  Closets, drawers and calendars work for us so much better if they are 2/3’s filled.  What can you purge from your clothes closet, front hall closet, pantry, book shelf (eek!), calendar so you have a roomier situation?   Let that number alone guide you, "I need to get this closet (or drawer or week) down to 2/3's full - what can I purge, postpone or delegate."  Try one closet, one week, one file drawer and let me know what you think.  Are you inspired to tidy it up more?  Remember, tidy and roomy closets (drawers & calendars) are usually kinder and talk more nicely to us then overstuffed sock drawers and stressful, overpacked days.

When in Doubt, Laugh it out.

Photo by IslandLeigh/iStock / Getty Images

I have had a week (or two)!  One kid in bed with a broken leg, one kid in bed with some kind of virus.  When spring sprang this year I had NO IDEA I'd be inside tending injured and sick children.  And, here's the thing, when life gives you lemons you gotta squeeze them for all the laughs they are worth.  Here are a few thoughts and ideas on how to keep your spirits up when parenting gets you down!

For the 4-8 group there is no better entertainer then Bill Harley!  I have seen him live at least twice, we listened to his songs and stories for hours at a time in the car.  He takes you right back to what it was like to be a 8 - 13 year old in ways you don't even remember you forgot.    Science fair, neighborhood plays, thoughts about your teachers, first crushes, sleepovers in the backyard - he covers all the childhood ground with such humor and wisdom and just the right amount of sass.  Some words of wisdom to whet your whistle, 'Black socks never get dirty, the more that you wear them the stronger they get.'

For the 8 - 13 group watch Modern Family on Hulu.  So funny, such great tv friends.  Are you a Claire, a Cam, a Jay, a Mitchell or a Gloria.  There is a little bit of each of us in them and it's so fun to laugh at.  The writers do a great job exploring the crazy ways parents try (and usually fail) to influence their kids.  Mistakes and all the families just continue to show up together.  There was one episode done entirely via FaceTime and Facebook - genius!  

For teens there really is nothing like asking them to show you funny stuff on YouTube.  A shared 3 minutes can many a memory make.  I'm afraid to tell you my favorites because most are not safe for work, but here are a few that should be ok, The Man Cold, Business Time, Jimmy Fallon Lip Sync Battles, and The Substitute Teacher, and if you don't mind a little swearing, the one, the only, Honey Badger.

Here's the moral of the story, when times are tough the laughter should be rolling.  Find something that tickles your funny bone, invite your kids to share it with you, have a laugh - take an advil and go to bed early.  

Hey, Don't Just Take My Advice, AGAIN!

Photo by Zoonar RF/Zoonar / Getty Images

There is SO much organizing advice out there!  I did a google search for  "Organizing" and got  125,000,000 options, I googled  "Get my family organized" and there were 94,700,000 places to find help, inspiration, ideas and advice.  Click on Amazon and look up "Family Organization" (in the books section only) and you get 43,109 titles.  Ummm, who has time to sort through this?!  To lighten your load here are my top recommendations.

Organizing from the Inside Out and  Time Management from the Inside Out- Julie Morgenerstern has been around for over 15 years providing advice to all of us, including Oprah!  Her approach is  realistic and encouraging.  She looks at each room and each task and asks first, "What's working?". It's a positive and strengthening way to start a project that feels overwhelming and daunting.  

Getting Things Done by David Allen has JUST BEEN REVISED, so exciting!  His methodical, common sense approach to being productive is nimble, universal and solves so many problems. He suggests if you can do a task in 2 minutes or under, DO IT NOW (because it would take longer to decide when to do it, make a note of it and file it then it would be just TO DO IT).  Another idea is to set aside 1 - 2 hours a week to review your past week, your upcoming few weeks, get your e-mail in box to zero (WHAT?), delete voicemails, re-adjust any commitments or projects with new information you have.  If you take just one thing away from his approach you will feel more calm, in control and productive.

The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up  by Marie Kondo has sold OVER TWO MILLION copies since it's release last October. The title is seductive and promising and the idea I love most from her is to sort by category, not location.  She suggests starting with clothes - gather ALL your clothes and look at them as one whole group, not closet by closet or drawer by drawer.  Then move on to books, papers, miscellany and finally photos and mementos.  Marie believes this tidying should be done by YOU, YOU should pick up and handle one object at a time and she claims you only will have to do this once.  Imagine?!

Pinterest  Sometimes you just need a little visual inspiration and I love Pinterest.  You can type in 'home office' or 'pantry ideas' or 'organize kids rooms' and you are delivered a variety of tiny, appealing and motivating photos.  Sometimes that's all you need to start tidying up that cupboard of pots and pans, or the random basement shelves of miscellany.

Let me know any organizing books, inspirations or blogs you love, I so enjoy adding to my arsenal of tips and tidbits.

Tumeric . . . . 2007 . . . . WHAT?

This weeks Nifty Tip comes in a small personal story with an expiration date of 2007.

My husband cleaned up our first floor when I was out running errands on Saturday.  I walked in, saw what he had accomplished and I was INSPIRED to tidy something myself.  It'd been a good year since I last cleaned and purged my little pantry.  As I stood there, looking at my own pantry, I heard myself say things that might sound familiar, "I should have done this months ago, I'm a bad person.  Look at all those shopping bags, I never use them, but I can't throw them out, I think I'll just jam them back up there on that top shelf because I alone have to save the earth.  Oh my gosh, that balsamic vinegar got all over the shelf, this is gross, this is sticky. I'm gross. Why didn't I notice this before?!  Ugh, I don't feel like cleaning, I just feel like tidying, this is too much.  Ok, little spices come over here, let me look at your teeny tiny expiration dates . . . . 2007  . . . #%#&&#%^@%$@@!! Tumeric from 2007, and that is when it EXPIRED, who knew when I bought it.  Paige, you are so disorganized and wasteful and you should have used that $7 bottle of turmeric.  You know what, I'm a mess, I need a diet coke and lie down. I'll do the pantry tomorrow, when I feel up to it."

So much judgement, so many opinions, so many thoughts slowing down a perfectly fun and fabulous 30 minute organizing project.  If that tiny pantry wasn't mine, if I hadn't bought the turmeric myself, if the balsamic vinegar spilled on someone else's shelf, if the paper bags were jammed up in a client's top shelf. . . well, here is what I would have said. "Oh, I love this teeny tiny pantry, so efficient.  Ok, too many bags, which don't you ever use?  The Chipotle ones?  Ok great, let's recycle those, keep one bag of grocery bags in the basement for the book sorting project, keep what fits in this slot and pitch the rest.  Ok, looks like vinegar and oil tray needs a re-boot, where are you paper towels, this will only take a second.  Spices, get over here! Wait, hold on, I need my reading glasses.  HAHAHHAHHAHAHAHhahahahhaha did you know this turmeric expired in 2007, how funny? What was it for?  I know, I buy those $7 spices for one dish too, hysterical!"

Do you hear the difference?  We can be so mean to ourselves and then not only are we organizing the pantry (or our taxes, or the pile of papers, or the bookshelf) we are also berating ourselves, wishing we were different, feeling guilty and coming up with solutions that are too big and tiring -- We will never buy over priced spices again, we will tidy the pantry once a week, we will always clean up the spills RIGHT away.  All that judgement, berating and scheming steals our energy away from simply tidying up, wiping down, sorting, pitching and enjoying our tiny slice of organized pantry. No wonder we give up, have a diet coke and lie down.

May I suggest the next time you bump into an organizing issue in your house you pretend it's not yours.  It's your dear, dear friend's, and you are just helping them out.  Do you feel yourself relax?  Do you hear the encouraging and understanding words you are saying?  Do you see yourself getting a little something done, moving on with your day and patting yourself on the back when you cook dinner and your pantry is neat and tidy?  That 2007 turmeric need not defeat us!!

Paige, Make them STOP Fighting!

Paige, Grampie, Julia, Stephen, Circa 1970.

Ahhh, siblings!  Aren’t we sweet, aren’t we adorable, is it weird I still have the same hairstyle?  So well dressed, so close to each other, so respectful of beloved, good old Grampie.  Family is magical.

Or NOT.

Siblings can often make us completely bananas!  If we could only stop them fighting then our family life would be peaceful, harmonious and (bad word of bad, bad words), perfect!  Some of us have only one child and I assure you that the insights and actions described below will be useful for many, many types of relationships.  Read on one and all! 

Insight:  Sibling relationships are between the siblings (Hi, that does not include you).  

• Action:  Butts thee out of what is not thouest (We have trouble really taking in this fact when it’s said in plain English, let’s try Ye Olde English to see if it helps).

Insight:  Siblings tend to fight fair. One is usually physically more aggressive, the other more verbally cutting.  When we come into the sibling fight and act as judge, jury and policeman we upset the power dynamic.  Now the one you decide is the perpetrator has to be that much meaner, aggressive, biting to fight against their sibling AND their parent.  What a nightmare!

• Action:  Butts thee out of what is not thouest.  (I hear you through the internet . . . “WHAT?  This is UNACCEPTABLE PAIGE!” CLICK, Nifty Tip closed.  Stand up, yell at kids to stop fighting. Click on Jimmy Fallon to watch latest lip syncing contest because they are AHmazing.)

Insight: Sibling fights are like icebergs.  We only see the tippy tippy top and tons and tons of stuff goes on under the water.  

• Action: Watch more closely, ask more questions.  If you have a ‘victim’ do some research and see if he does any snarky, passive aggressive moves before the perp swings into action.  Better yet, go to the park and watch siblings that are not your own.  It can be so much clearer to see this phenomenon in other kids.

Insight: Fighting is a cooperative action.

• Action:  Be grateful your kids know how to cooperate, then walk out of the room.

Insight: Siblings often fight because they are bored, stressed or trying out some new relationship technique that needs fine tuning before they release it into their friendship pool.

• Action: Diagnosing and working on the actual cause of the sibling fight is a quicker way to diminish (not eliminate) many squabbles. 

Insight: Siblings fight because it is a great way to get you to stand up and come to them.

• Action: Stand up and go to them and give them nourishing appropriate attention regularly when behavior is to your liking.  Do NOT give sibling fighting attention on.  What you focus on grows.

Insight:  Siblings relationships are between the siblings.

• Action:  Butts thee out of what is not thouest (bears repeating . . the more we practice this, the better we get at it).

Focus Pocus

In parenting and organizing I see and hear a lot of people trying, in their heart of hearts to make changes.  "Really, I want my house to be tidy and clean.  Honestly, I try to get places on time.  Truly, I long to stop nagging my kids."  What gets in the way?  Oh, there are probably a zillion things we trip over, but one biggie I see is focus.

Focus is hard in this day and age with distractions and information over over-load.  We aren't in just a heavy rain storm of information, options, choices and communication, we are in a tsunami.  In fact, I was just sitting here working on this post and had the thought, "I love my logo, I'm going to zip a text to my graphic designer, Schwa Design, and thank her."  AND I DID IT, AS I AM WRITING A POST ON FOCUS!  HAH!  Hilarious.

People want to 'get organized'.  They hire me, they relax, problem solved, "I shall be organized."  That feeds the beast of novelty and change, for a while.  Then they bump into themselves again, too much paper, late for appointments, messy bedrooms.  "Well, this Professional Organizer has no idea what she's doing.  I think I need some new containers."  Off to the Container Store, the beast is fed, relaxation.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  

Same goes with parenting, we long to believe that taking the class, or buying the book will make your child "Your Own Book Title Here".  We hold onto the latest article, to the shiny container, to the new workshop, to the hope that THIS NEW THING will change the SAME OLD US we keep running into.

I suspect we do this so we don't have to focus, really focus on ourselves.  And this focus is the real deal, the wrinkles, the yelling, the procrastination and the secret thoughts that, "I'm not good enough, I don't measure up."   Magic and inspiration can lie right in that scary focus on our wrinkles, our yelling our procrastination, our nagging.    There is no new organizing/parenting book, blog or workshop that will make you (or your child, or your spouse) vastly different from who you (they) are.  

Here's the rub, if you throw the baby out with the bathwater EACH AND EVERY time, a fresh start, a clean slate, a new you, you will never have the opportunity to figure out what works for the real you.  

For this week, just until the next Nifty Tip arrives in your in box, pick ONE thing to focus on.  If it's paper clutter in your way, maybe decide to file papers in your current, non-ideal, non-perfect system (do not purge, do not re-label folders with a new label maker you bought and you need to figure out, do not read a book or a blog about filing).  If it's nagging, just for the next 6 days keep a notebook and write down the nag FIRST, and then see what happens.  See how I did not say, "Do not nag."?  Be you, AND write the nag down (do not buy a new parenting book, do not sign your child up for an organizing tutor, do not spend 3 hours discussing with your sister about how your own mother/father is the cause of your nagging and if they were only you different you would be the ideal parent). We can do all those things AFTER we spend 6 little days focusing on one small thing.  

Focus and we will see our flaws, we will find some anxiety, we will feel like we don't measure up AND we will learn what works for US. We will learn that there are solutions that bubble up from the essence of who we are.  These solutions are the ones that will stick.  Once our own little imperfect selves are in focus we'll be able to see, really see and make changes.

Hey, don't just take my advice!

Photo by mrgao/iStock / Getty Images

Did you know not everyone LOVES reading parenting books, WHAT?   A couple weeks ago,  I was being walked out of a school by a lovely and experienced educator with grown children, she said to me, "Oh, I never read those parenting books, they made me too nervous."  

Sometimes we take advice, any kind of advice, parenting, medical, working out, cooking advice as a message that we aren't good enough.  Even worse, we see new information as a scary hornets nest that if we hit it (read it) we'll get stung by all the things we are doing wrong or don't know!   

I consume parenting books like cookbooks (back in the day, when we cooked from cookbooks).  I used to get them out of the library, stacked them next to my bed and perused them after the little ones were snug in bed. I never, not once, didn't even consider feeling bad about not cooking every recipe out of any of those cookbooks.  If I got just one good dish out of the 300 provided, well that was time well spent.  May I suggest that's how we read parenting books?  Peruse, laugh, roll your eyes and get one little life expanding, empowering and encouraging nugget.  

I wanted to share my favorite, tried and true parenting books and resources with you.  I truly believe that parenting is just one of many, many hallways you can go down to discover yourself.  Come check out a few new destinations with me!

Duct Tape Parenting:  Vicki Hoefle is equal parts wise and hilarious.  She cooks down  parenting issues into delicious and easy to manage bite size pieces.  Direct, forthcoming and practical, I recommend this book almost weekly and she has a new one coming out in April, The Straight Talk on Parenting, do I sound dorky if I say . . . "I CAN'T WAIT!"?

Blessing of a B- and Blessings of Skinned Knee:  Wendy Mogel takes ancient lessons found in Judiasm and overlays them onto our everyday modern lives.  Blessings of a B- is my go to recommendation for parents of teens who come to me, under the cover of shame and fear, whispering for help. Wendy shines the light on teens and wrings out the lessons and magic that parenting teens brings to us.  Blessings of a Skinned Knee does the same  for the elementary school age kids.

Scream Free Parenting E-Quips:  If you want a daily dose of parenting inspiration, Hal Runkle dishes up a literary quote (so you feel smart) followed with a short paragraph on parenting or relationships (so you feel inspired).  His take is that our kids are here to help us grow ourselves up, and he holds our hands with humor, encouragement and just that wee bit of tough love.

Parent Encouragement Program:  Nothing supports transformation more then ongoing education, information and encouragement.  PEP provides this in spades!  I am of course biased, being a PEP Leader and all, but the tools, insights and support parents can get from a workshop or a long class can literally be life changing.  I've seen too many parents faces shine with delight as they describe breakthroughs with their families (and themselves) to not believe that a parenting class can bring in fresh air and creative ideas that last a lifetime.

When you are freaking out, ask for help!

Photo by Hailshadow/iStock / Getty Images

Curious about the college application experience?  Me neither!  I just want to pretend it's not happening, but ready or not, here we go!  I have the courage to be imperfect and seeing as I don't have any actual common sense wisdom or inspiration on this topic, I am asking for help.  Please welcome PEP Certified Parent Educator and College Counselor, The College Lady, Wendie Lubic.  She is providing all the Nifty Tips in a Q & A format this week and I'm so grateful.

Paige:  If I gave you a magic wand, what’s the one thing you would change about the college application process?

Wendie: I would love to change it to a system where students put their profiles online and colleges send them bids. It would lower the pressure and give students the ability to be in the driver seat in terms of choosing what they want from their education. 

Paige: Where do parents get in the most mischief when they ‘help’ their kids?

Wendie: Expectations are a serious issue. When parents bring their egos and their dreams into the process, and try to push kids into applying to schools that are not appropriate (by pulling in all the influential recommenders they can muster), they run the risk of making their students feel inadequate. And when the kids don’t get in, they feel even worse… especially if the parents are mourning the loss, too. The bottom line is that if you care more than your student does, then there is something wrong with this equation. 

Paige: What can parents do, where can they go, if they are freaking out?

Wendie: 1. Keep your anxieties away from your child. They have their own worries, and need to know that you are confident that they will get in somewhere great. Your freak out will only make things worse. 

2. If you can, just forget about it, or only give it 10 minutes a day. If you can’t, pick one person to obsess to. They will let you know when you are going over the deep end. The issue is when parents obsess to EVERYONE in their lives, and still can’t let go. 

Paige: Is there a “very worst moment” in the application process we can all expect?

Wendie: Once the applications are in, and there is nothing left to do but wait. It can make even the most stable parent a little crazy. The kids are just trying to deal with it day by day, but parents are wigged out by the process being so far out of their control.

Paige: Leave us with something encouraging to think about . .. . . GO.

Wendie: Despite all the anxiety and the stress and the rejection, everyone ends up going somewhere great… usually the right school for them. If you make the choice thoughtfully. and not for weather, or a girl or boyfriend, you will probably end up loving wherever you land. 

Paige:  On behalf of all of us, thank you!  Nifty Tippers, check out Wendie's website for lots more information and resources, The College Lady.

Don't Try This At Home

Photo by Jürgen François/iStock / Getty Images

They were with me, everyone was laughing and agreeing and nodding their heads.  I was KILLING IT.  A jolly man in the back of the Free Intro (Parenting Class) I was leading,  raised his hand and said, "Yeah, this is all great and I get it, but it's IMPOSSIBLE to do when I'm at home alone with my three kids."

Who agrees with him?  Pretty much EVERYONE.   Let's see what gets in the way, where are our fatal errors when we try to establish a firm and friendly household?

1.  we do not feel Up to the job.  

All of this is easy when we are perfectly caffeinated, had a good night sleep, work is going well and our family of origin hasn't been up to any shenanigans.  We can expect to parent in these conditions EXACTLY 2.5 days per every 1000 days.  Waiting to feel up to the job before we do the job. . . ummm, people, ain't nobody up to this job.  It's by DOING the job that you get the experience, know how and creativity to do the job. You gotta  do the best you can do in your current state of caffeination, job stress and strong feelings about your sister.

2.  If we can't do it perfectly we take our toys and go home 

Day 1: We might try the jedi mind trick of respectfully putting our hand out while averting our eyes to retrieve an i phone from our six year old.  The heavens open, the device is handed over, we got this, this is easy, why didn't we try democratic parenting earlier?  Day 2:  We grab device from kid because they took too long for the jedi mind trick to work and we are in a rush, thank you very much, this democratic parenting stuff is crap.  Day 3: Nagging,  yelling and shaming to get device.  Day 4: Oh geez, just let him have it, ok?

3.  We get our feelings hurt

Our resolve evaporates when our kids respond to this new parenting paradigm with drama, tears, anger, frustration or eye rolling.  Fine, we try it, it's karate day and we get it that our job is to drive the car to karate class and it's the kids job to find and wear the karate pants.  We wait in the car, we are filled with both relief and anxiety as we catch a few minutes of Howard Stern before underage people join us, what might happen next?  Sometimes the child does not come out of the house.  Maybe they come out and lay on the front lawn shrieking because, why not?  Or perhaps they come out,  get in the car and yell at YOU that you are awful, you don't do their laundry, you are a terrible parent.  One of these things makes us snap, turn on our heels and go right back to what we were doing yesterday.

4.  There's a new sheriff in town syndrome

We are so energized by what we learn and we can't wait to have a lovely family that we go home with our holster full of new tools and try to change everything.  "There's a new sheriff in town folks and we will do chores, and contribute and I'll set fabulous limits, and you will love your new found laundry responsibility and we shall go forth and live with dignity, respect, democracy and family harmony will be ours!"  Hi.  Um. . . . . No.  Look around guys, democracy is messy, hard work and takes tons of patience, is filled with compromise and is never, never ending. Sigh.

5. We haven't really gotten IT

Sometimes we try democratic parenting and it doesn't work because we are still a totalitarian state, only we are friendlier.  Or we still let our kids upset be the litmus test to our parenting success, the kids are in charge of what we do because we are unsure.  We haven't totally let go of one side of the pool in order to be able to swim in the middle and try lots of new democratic and encouraging things.

"Jolly dad with the three kids, this stuff can in fact work at home with all your kids and only one adult.  It's possible.  It is not, however, quiet, easy, seamless, predictable or always fun.  Jolly dad, your jolliness, your questioning, your simply attending a parenting seminar tells me that you got what it takes.  It's a long road, it's an unclear path, you will get stuck in some unknown and scary territory.  AND, these tools of respect, dignity, cooperation, training kids to be capable, well, that should get you back on your path sooner then you think!"

Enough with the Parenting Lessons!!!

How do you get started with so much stuff?

Never underestimate the mood lifting power of a good tidy,  so immediate, so satisfying.  You can become a better parent when you get yourself organized.  No convincing any child of anything!

These are tips I give new clients, in no particular order.  Try one now and save some for later.

Start left to right or top to bottom.  Getting started can be the hardest part.  If it's your stuff, it's covered in psychic goo that can stop you in your tracks, you over think it.  To cut through your crazy,  start in one corner and move, in order,  to the next corner.  If you have a stack of papers, go top to bottom.  DO NOT DIG FOR SOMETHING MORE INTERESTING, EASIER OR MORE COMPELLING (I was, in fact, yelling at you, but in a loving and supportive way).  

Set a Timer.  The Pomodoro Technique is my go to timer app, and there are lots more.  We can't clean out the whole closet, but we can show up for 25 minutes.

Buffer in time to "To and Fro":  Add in 5- 10 minutes to put things right.  Take out garbage, load car with donations, put items where they belong.

When de-cluttering use black garbage bags for trash (they are bigger, stronger and you can't see through them), white kitchen bags for donate (smaller, easy to write on if you are taking them to more then one donation place or giving hand me down clothes away to different friends), paper shopping bags for books (about the right size for the amount of books I can easily carry).

Buy nice hangers.  Nice hangers promote a nice closet.  A nice closet gets tidied more often.  A tidier closet speaks gently and with encouraging words.  Messy closets can be judgey and mean.  

Organize 2015 taxes now. Create the files you need, 2015 Income, 2015 Estimated Taxes, 2015 Charity.  Set an appointment every other week to update and categorize your banking and credit cards.  While it's fresh in our minds, fix some of the perennial problems we have with keeping our finances organized.

People Are Prisms

Original title was, What You Mean to Put In is NOT Necessarily What You Will Get Out, too wordy, don't you agree, Pa would never have read it!

Photo by Vasyl Yakobchuk/Hemera / Getty Images

If you've taken one of my classes or workshops you will have heard this story, take your free time and check out a guilty pleasure website, GoFugYourself.  Celebrities, Fashion, Gossip . . . what could be more relaxing?

I loved Little House on the Prairie.  No, I LOVE Little House on the Prairie.  I read it aloud to my kids, we watched the DVD's of the 1970's series, we listened to books on tape.  I hate to say it, but it was super exciting listening to the Long Winter while one of my kids had scarlet fever (true fans will know what I'm talking about).  The series is filled with adventure, ingenuity, hunger, disease, whippings, panthers and oh, the list goes on!

Cut to one day at breakfast, I am standing at the sink looking over the 1/2 wall at my two kids, let's say 6 and 8, on the bench with a bottle of bubbly water and a couple of glasses.  My older son is acting drunk, sloshing the water and slurring his words while the younger son is laughing hysterically.  My mind immediately went to all the ne're do well kids on the block. I was going to find out who the tiny hoodlum was that put this in my child's mind.  I shriek, "WHO taught you that?  WHERE did you get that from?  You are NEVER playing with THEM again."

Innocently he looks up and says, "Mr. Edwards, from Little House on the Prairie." 

Gulp. What?

What I was putting in that child with those books and tv shows and tapes were the lessons of family loyalty, love, respect for your parents, working very, very hard, taking care of yourself and your loved ones, pitching in, the glory in every day chores, the honor of contributing to the family, the joy of eating home cooked meals when you are truly hungry, the mystery and beauty of nature, thrift, gratitude, I could go on and on and on . . . 

What he got out, drunk Mr. Edwards.

What's the lesson?  People are like prisms.  What we mean to shoot through is not necessarily what comes out the other side.  This goes for everyone.  It's a sobering lesson, isn't it? 

I share the story not only because it's so darn funny, but because if we keep it in the front of our minds we'll be less forceful in our lessons, we'll ask more questions, we'll check in, we'll listen and learn something new about the people we live with and love dearly.

Food, Family and Fixing It

Years ago, while leading a parenting class, a beautiful and accomplished woman, with so much emotion behind her eyes, perched on the edge of her chair, gritted her teeth, and said, "I do NOT want my child to struggle with food." Some food group or another had become a hot topic - white bread, sugar, carbs, soda, frankly, it doesn't really matter.  In that single moment of watching this parent, who fiercely loved her children, WHITE KNUCKLING  her child's relationship with food it came to me, in some sort of truly lightening bolt moment,  we ultimately cannot CONTROL our child's relationship to food (or homework, or sex, or success, or grooming, or organizing, or friends, or reading, or booze).  As much as we lovingly white knuckle and clench and demand that they learn from our mistakes, avoid relationship pitfalls and have a successful and healthy relationship to Doritos, we alone can not do it.  Our children's stories and relationships about, and with food, is THEIR story and relationship about, and with food, (or homework, or sex, or success, or grooming, or organizing, or friends, or reading, or booze).

Sigh.

Fear not, I would never leave you with nothing to do.  There are ways we can influence and shape our kids relationship with food (or homework, or sex, or success, or grooming, or organizing, or friends, or reading, or booze). 

We can organize  our pantry and our meals to give our families a fighting chance.  Especially if they are under 12, we really are in charge of 92% of their food intake, and if they are older it's about 50 - 65%.

Don't leave out forbidden foods, casual interactions with oreos can teach and inform.  A workable boundary is to invite the forbidden foods over for the weekend.  This takes a wee bit of planning.  You will have to shop close to the weekend to insure the oreos and premium ice cream, in small amounts, show up and are shown the door early Sunday evening.

Are you walking the talk?  You don't have to be perfect, but are you asking your kids to be?  Do you ask them to think about, interact with, and crave food differently then you do?

Ask questions, what do your kids think about food, their bodies, their friends bodies.  The trick is to listen.  This is NOT the time to comment, JUST listen.  We all behave from what we believe. No better way to find out what our kids believe then to hear what they are saying. (Again, this means you have to be quiet, zip it, say nothing, sit on your hands, no comments, I'm SERIOUS!).

Check in and find if your helpful  comments, "Are you sure you're really hungry sweetums?"  "How much cheese have you had already?" are actually helpful.  In my own experience, children enjoy (or appreciate, or tolerate) one healthy nag or reminder.  After the one, they start hearing the message that they aren't good enough, we don't trust them and our approval hinges on the self-control they exhibit over the party hor d'ouevres. Which of course is not our intention, and sometimes our intentions aren't received as we mean them (more about in next weeks blog, "What You Mean to Put In, Is Not Necessarily What You Get Out"). 

Finally, enjoy meal time with your family, as much as you can. Do not let the anxiety, angst, fear and drama have a seat at the dinner table.  Share, laugh and soak up your beautiful and imperfect family, one meal at a time.

Mittens, Hats and Gloves, OH MY!

Or should I say, mitten, what hat, no gloves, oh BOY!?

So many little lessons to be learned in this seasonal kabuki theater of winter accessories.  I hear you, "WHAT?  Mismatched gloves and parenting go together?  Things can be learned?  No, no Paige, my kids are just careless and entitled jerks."

Winter Accessories and parenting do go together because we often find ourselves in conflict over them.  "Where did you LAST see that SKI GLOVE that cost ONE HUNDER DOLLARS, that we bought, ON THE MOUNTAIN, because you lost the other glove on your way to get that $7.00 HOT COCOA??"  "No, no sweetums, you WILL be cold, you MUST wear a hat."  "WHY IS ALL THIS CRAP ALL OVER THE HALLWAY!!!"

See how organizing and parenting go together?

1.  Buy cheap stuff.  Keep the good stuff in the basement in a bin, up high.  Budget for them (and maybe you) to lose a pair of gloves each season (or more).  Do you feel the anger touch point simmering down when they come home with only 1 $3.50 Target glove?  You smile down lovingly and knowingly, "Yes sweetie, we all lose gloves, no biggie."  Parent/child relationship stays plump and encouraging.

2.  Make it easy, no, make it RIDICULOUSLY easy to put away accessories.  Open topped bin, not overly stuffed (this is key, no one likes to stuff things in or unstuff them out), near the door, in clear eye sight.  I kid you not, a lid on the bin will leave you a puddle of gloves, hats and mittens surrounding the bin.

3.  Chill.  I don't have any scientific proof, AND yet, I know in my heart of hearts, kids run on a different thermometer system. They simply are not as cold.  Truly.  Say the parent / child relationship can only handle 3 nags a day and one or two terse words, why waste it on a hat?  Why?  Take a minute, really think about it.  We are going to waste our perfectly good parenting mojo on a hat on a kid who is going outside to walk to the bus for 10 minutes in weather that is 36 degrees?  Let's save our nag for something better - practicing piano, writing that thank you note, clearing the dishwasher.  Have faith in kids that they can monitor their own bodies semi-effectively.

4.  That said, please go ahead and be overbearing on a long winter hike, on a ski trip, on a dangerously cold day.  Maintain the firm and friendly tone (be overbearing, nicely).  Save it up for when it really matters.

The point of organized parenting is that we decrease the friction points in our house and family.  This little, innocent, seasonal bin of goodies provides a short exercise for us to practice some of these skills and see if you can't warm up your relationship over mittens and gloves and hats, oh my.