Hey, don't just take my advice!

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Did you know not everyone LOVES reading parenting books, WHAT?   A couple weeks ago,  I was being walked out of a school by a lovely and experienced educator with grown children, she said to me, "Oh, I never read those parenting books, they made me too nervous."  

Sometimes we take advice, any kind of advice, parenting, medical, working out, cooking advice as a message that we aren't good enough.  Even worse, we see new information as a scary hornets nest that if we hit it (read it) we'll get stung by all the things we are doing wrong or don't know!   

I consume parenting books like cookbooks (back in the day, when we cooked from cookbooks).  I used to get them out of the library, stacked them next to my bed and perused them after the little ones were snug in bed. I never, not once, didn't even consider feeling bad about not cooking every recipe out of any of those cookbooks.  If I got just one good dish out of the 300 provided, well that was time well spent.  May I suggest that's how we read parenting books?  Peruse, laugh, roll your eyes and get one little life expanding, empowering and encouraging nugget.  

I wanted to share my favorite, tried and true parenting books and resources with you.  I truly believe that parenting is just one of many, many hallways you can go down to discover yourself.  Come check out a few new destinations with me!

Duct Tape Parenting:  Vicki Hoefle is equal parts wise and hilarious.  She cooks down  parenting issues into delicious and easy to manage bite size pieces.  Direct, forthcoming and practical, I recommend this book almost weekly and she has a new one coming out in April, The Straight Talk on Parenting, do I sound dorky if I say . . . "I CAN'T WAIT!"?

Blessing of a B- and Blessings of Skinned Knee:  Wendy Mogel takes ancient lessons found in Judiasm and overlays them onto our everyday modern lives.  Blessings of a B- is my go to recommendation for parents of teens who come to me, under the cover of shame and fear, whispering for help. Wendy shines the light on teens and wrings out the lessons and magic that parenting teens brings to us.  Blessings of a Skinned Knee does the same  for the elementary school age kids.

Scream Free Parenting E-Quips:  If you want a daily dose of parenting inspiration, Hal Runkle dishes up a literary quote (so you feel smart) followed with a short paragraph on parenting or relationships (so you feel inspired).  His take is that our kids are here to help us grow ourselves up, and he holds our hands with humor, encouragement and just that wee bit of tough love.

Parent Encouragement Program:  Nothing supports transformation more then ongoing education, information and encouragement.  PEP provides this in spades!  I am of course biased, being a PEP Leader and all, but the tools, insights and support parents can get from a workshop or a long class can literally be life changing.  I've seen too many parents faces shine with delight as they describe breakthroughs with their families (and themselves) to not believe that a parenting class can bring in fresh air and creative ideas that last a lifetime.

When you are freaking out, ask for help!

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Curious about the college application experience?  Me neither!  I just want to pretend it's not happening, but ready or not, here we go!  I have the courage to be imperfect and seeing as I don't have any actual common sense wisdom or inspiration on this topic, I am asking for help.  Please welcome PEP Certified Parent Educator and College Counselor, The College Lady, Wendie Lubic.  She is providing all the Nifty Tips in a Q & A format this week and I'm so grateful.

Paige:  If I gave you a magic wand, what’s the one thing you would change about the college application process?

Wendie: I would love to change it to a system where students put their profiles online and colleges send them bids. It would lower the pressure and give students the ability to be in the driver seat in terms of choosing what they want from their education. 

Paige: Where do parents get in the most mischief when they ‘help’ their kids?

Wendie: Expectations are a serious issue. When parents bring their egos and their dreams into the process, and try to push kids into applying to schools that are not appropriate (by pulling in all the influential recommenders they can muster), they run the risk of making their students feel inadequate. And when the kids don’t get in, they feel even worse… especially if the parents are mourning the loss, too. The bottom line is that if you care more than your student does, then there is something wrong with this equation. 

Paige: What can parents do, where can they go, if they are freaking out?

Wendie: 1. Keep your anxieties away from your child. They have their own worries, and need to know that you are confident that they will get in somewhere great. Your freak out will only make things worse. 

2. If you can, just forget about it, or only give it 10 minutes a day. If you can’t, pick one person to obsess to. They will let you know when you are going over the deep end. The issue is when parents obsess to EVERYONE in their lives, and still can’t let go. 

Paige: Is there a “very worst moment” in the application process we can all expect?

Wendie: Once the applications are in, and there is nothing left to do but wait. It can make even the most stable parent a little crazy. The kids are just trying to deal with it day by day, but parents are wigged out by the process being so far out of their control.

Paige: Leave us with something encouraging to think about . .. . . GO.

Wendie: Despite all the anxiety and the stress and the rejection, everyone ends up going somewhere great… usually the right school for them. If you make the choice thoughtfully. and not for weather, or a girl or boyfriend, you will probably end up loving wherever you land. 

Paige:  On behalf of all of us, thank you!  Nifty Tippers, check out Wendie's website for lots more information and resources, The College Lady.

Don't Try This At Home

Photo by Jürgen François/iStock / Getty Images

They were with me, everyone was laughing and agreeing and nodding their heads.  I was KILLING IT.  A jolly man in the back of the Free Intro (Parenting Class) I was leading,  raised his hand and said, "Yeah, this is all great and I get it, but it's IMPOSSIBLE to do when I'm at home alone with my three kids."

Who agrees with him?  Pretty much EVERYONE.   Let's see what gets in the way, where are our fatal errors when we try to establish a firm and friendly household?

1.  we do not feel Up to the job.  

All of this is easy when we are perfectly caffeinated, had a good night sleep, work is going well and our family of origin hasn't been up to any shenanigans.  We can expect to parent in these conditions EXACTLY 2.5 days per every 1000 days.  Waiting to feel up to the job before we do the job. . . ummm, people, ain't nobody up to this job.  It's by DOING the job that you get the experience, know how and creativity to do the job. You gotta  do the best you can do in your current state of caffeination, job stress and strong feelings about your sister.

2.  If we can't do it perfectly we take our toys and go home 

Day 1: We might try the jedi mind trick of respectfully putting our hand out while averting our eyes to retrieve an i phone from our six year old.  The heavens open, the device is handed over, we got this, this is easy, why didn't we try democratic parenting earlier?  Day 2:  We grab device from kid because they took too long for the jedi mind trick to work and we are in a rush, thank you very much, this democratic parenting stuff is crap.  Day 3: Nagging,  yelling and shaming to get device.  Day 4: Oh geez, just let him have it, ok?

3.  We get our feelings hurt

Our resolve evaporates when our kids respond to this new parenting paradigm with drama, tears, anger, frustration or eye rolling.  Fine, we try it, it's karate day and we get it that our job is to drive the car to karate class and it's the kids job to find and wear the karate pants.  We wait in the car, we are filled with both relief and anxiety as we catch a few minutes of Howard Stern before underage people join us, what might happen next?  Sometimes the child does not come out of the house.  Maybe they come out and lay on the front lawn shrieking because, why not?  Or perhaps they come out,  get in the car and yell at YOU that you are awful, you don't do their laundry, you are a terrible parent.  One of these things makes us snap, turn on our heels and go right back to what we were doing yesterday.

4.  There's a new sheriff in town syndrome

We are so energized by what we learn and we can't wait to have a lovely family that we go home with our holster full of new tools and try to change everything.  "There's a new sheriff in town folks and we will do chores, and contribute and I'll set fabulous limits, and you will love your new found laundry responsibility and we shall go forth and live with dignity, respect, democracy and family harmony will be ours!"  Hi.  Um. . . . . No.  Look around guys, democracy is messy, hard work and takes tons of patience, is filled with compromise and is never, never ending. Sigh.

5. We haven't really gotten IT

Sometimes we try democratic parenting and it doesn't work because we are still a totalitarian state, only we are friendlier.  Or we still let our kids upset be the litmus test to our parenting success, the kids are in charge of what we do because we are unsure.  We haven't totally let go of one side of the pool in order to be able to swim in the middle and try lots of new democratic and encouraging things.

"Jolly dad with the three kids, this stuff can in fact work at home with all your kids and only one adult.  It's possible.  It is not, however, quiet, easy, seamless, predictable or always fun.  Jolly dad, your jolliness, your questioning, your simply attending a parenting seminar tells me that you got what it takes.  It's a long road, it's an unclear path, you will get stuck in some unknown and scary territory.  AND, these tools of respect, dignity, cooperation, training kids to be capable, well, that should get you back on your path sooner then you think!"

Enough with the Parenting Lessons!!!

How do you get started with so much stuff?

Never underestimate the mood lifting power of a good tidy,  so immediate, so satisfying.  You can become a better parent when you get yourself organized.  No convincing any child of anything!

These are tips I give new clients, in no particular order.  Try one now and save some for later.

Start left to right or top to bottom.  Getting started can be the hardest part.  If it's your stuff, it's covered in psychic goo that can stop you in your tracks, you over think it.  To cut through your crazy,  start in one corner and move, in order,  to the next corner.  If you have a stack of papers, go top to bottom.  DO NOT DIG FOR SOMETHING MORE INTERESTING, EASIER OR MORE COMPELLING (I was, in fact, yelling at you, but in a loving and supportive way).  

Set a Timer.  The Pomodoro Technique is my go to timer app, and there are lots more.  We can't clean out the whole closet, but we can show up for 25 minutes.

Buffer in time to "To and Fro":  Add in 5- 10 minutes to put things right.  Take out garbage, load car with donations, put items where they belong.

When de-cluttering use black garbage bags for trash (they are bigger, stronger and you can't see through them), white kitchen bags for donate (smaller, easy to write on if you are taking them to more then one donation place or giving hand me down clothes away to different friends), paper shopping bags for books (about the right size for the amount of books I can easily carry).

Buy nice hangers.  Nice hangers promote a nice closet.  A nice closet gets tidied more often.  A tidier closet speaks gently and with encouraging words.  Messy closets can be judgey and mean.  

Organize 2015 taxes now. Create the files you need, 2015 Income, 2015 Estimated Taxes, 2015 Charity.  Set an appointment every other week to update and categorize your banking and credit cards.  While it's fresh in our minds, fix some of the perennial problems we have with keeping our finances organized.

People Are Prisms

Original title was, What You Mean to Put In is NOT Necessarily What You Will Get Out, too wordy, don't you agree, Pa would never have read it!

Photo by Vasyl Yakobchuk/Hemera / Getty Images

If you've taken one of my classes or workshops you will have heard this story, take your free time and check out a guilty pleasure website, GoFugYourself.  Celebrities, Fashion, Gossip . . . what could be more relaxing?

I loved Little House on the Prairie.  No, I LOVE Little House on the Prairie.  I read it aloud to my kids, we watched the DVD's of the 1970's series, we listened to books on tape.  I hate to say it, but it was super exciting listening to the Long Winter while one of my kids had scarlet fever (true fans will know what I'm talking about).  The series is filled with adventure, ingenuity, hunger, disease, whippings, panthers and oh, the list goes on!

Cut to one day at breakfast, I am standing at the sink looking over the 1/2 wall at my two kids, let's say 6 and 8, on the bench with a bottle of bubbly water and a couple of glasses.  My older son is acting drunk, sloshing the water and slurring his words while the younger son is laughing hysterically.  My mind immediately went to all the ne're do well kids on the block. I was going to find out who the tiny hoodlum was that put this in my child's mind.  I shriek, "WHO taught you that?  WHERE did you get that from?  You are NEVER playing with THEM again."

Innocently he looks up and says, "Mr. Edwards, from Little House on the Prairie." 

Gulp. What?

What I was putting in that child with those books and tv shows and tapes were the lessons of family loyalty, love, respect for your parents, working very, very hard, taking care of yourself and your loved ones, pitching in, the glory in every day chores, the honor of contributing to the family, the joy of eating home cooked meals when you are truly hungry, the mystery and beauty of nature, thrift, gratitude, I could go on and on and on . . . 

What he got out, drunk Mr. Edwards.

What's the lesson?  People are like prisms.  What we mean to shoot through is not necessarily what comes out the other side.  This goes for everyone.  It's a sobering lesson, isn't it? 

I share the story not only because it's so darn funny, but because if we keep it in the front of our minds we'll be less forceful in our lessons, we'll ask more questions, we'll check in, we'll listen and learn something new about the people we live with and love dearly.

Food, Family and Fixing It

Years ago, while leading a parenting class, a beautiful and accomplished woman, with so much emotion behind her eyes, perched on the edge of her chair, gritted her teeth, and said, "I do NOT want my child to struggle with food." Some food group or another had become a hot topic - white bread, sugar, carbs, soda, frankly, it doesn't really matter.  In that single moment of watching this parent, who fiercely loved her children, WHITE KNUCKLING  her child's relationship with food it came to me, in some sort of truly lightening bolt moment,  we ultimately cannot CONTROL our child's relationship to food (or homework, or sex, or success, or grooming, or organizing, or friends, or reading, or booze).  As much as we lovingly white knuckle and clench and demand that they learn from our mistakes, avoid relationship pitfalls and have a successful and healthy relationship to Doritos, we alone can not do it.  Our children's stories and relationships about, and with food, is THEIR story and relationship about, and with food, (or homework, or sex, or success, or grooming, or organizing, or friends, or reading, or booze).

Sigh.

Fear not, I would never leave you with nothing to do.  There are ways we can influence and shape our kids relationship with food (or homework, or sex, or success, or grooming, or organizing, or friends, or reading, or booze). 

We can organize  our pantry and our meals to give our families a fighting chance.  Especially if they are under 12, we really are in charge of 92% of their food intake, and if they are older it's about 50 - 65%.

Don't leave out forbidden foods, casual interactions with oreos can teach and inform.  A workable boundary is to invite the forbidden foods over for the weekend.  This takes a wee bit of planning.  You will have to shop close to the weekend to insure the oreos and premium ice cream, in small amounts, show up and are shown the door early Sunday evening.

Are you walking the talk?  You don't have to be perfect, but are you asking your kids to be?  Do you ask them to think about, interact with, and crave food differently then you do?

Ask questions, what do your kids think about food, their bodies, their friends bodies.  The trick is to listen.  This is NOT the time to comment, JUST listen.  We all behave from what we believe. No better way to find out what our kids believe then to hear what they are saying. (Again, this means you have to be quiet, zip it, say nothing, sit on your hands, no comments, I'm SERIOUS!).

Check in and find if your helpful  comments, "Are you sure you're really hungry sweetums?"  "How much cheese have you had already?" are actually helpful.  In my own experience, children enjoy (or appreciate, or tolerate) one healthy nag or reminder.  After the one, they start hearing the message that they aren't good enough, we don't trust them and our approval hinges on the self-control they exhibit over the party hor d'ouevres. Which of course is not our intention, and sometimes our intentions aren't received as we mean them (more about in next weeks blog, "What You Mean to Put In, Is Not Necessarily What You Get Out"). 

Finally, enjoy meal time with your family, as much as you can. Do not let the anxiety, angst, fear and drama have a seat at the dinner table.  Share, laugh and soak up your beautiful and imperfect family, one meal at a time.

Mittens, Hats and Gloves, OH MY!

Or should I say, mitten, what hat, no gloves, oh BOY!?

So many little lessons to be learned in this seasonal kabuki theater of winter accessories.  I hear you, "WHAT?  Mismatched gloves and parenting go together?  Things can be learned?  No, no Paige, my kids are just careless and entitled jerks."

Winter Accessories and parenting do go together because we often find ourselves in conflict over them.  "Where did you LAST see that SKI GLOVE that cost ONE HUNDER DOLLARS, that we bought, ON THE MOUNTAIN, because you lost the other glove on your way to get that $7.00 HOT COCOA??"  "No, no sweetums, you WILL be cold, you MUST wear a hat."  "WHY IS ALL THIS CRAP ALL OVER THE HALLWAY!!!"

See how organizing and parenting go together?

1.  Buy cheap stuff.  Keep the good stuff in the basement in a bin, up high.  Budget for them (and maybe you) to lose a pair of gloves each season (or more).  Do you feel the anger touch point simmering down when they come home with only 1 $3.50 Target glove?  You smile down lovingly and knowingly, "Yes sweetie, we all lose gloves, no biggie."  Parent/child relationship stays plump and encouraging.

2.  Make it easy, no, make it RIDICULOUSLY easy to put away accessories.  Open topped bin, not overly stuffed (this is key, no one likes to stuff things in or unstuff them out), near the door, in clear eye sight.  I kid you not, a lid on the bin will leave you a puddle of gloves, hats and mittens surrounding the bin.

3.  Chill.  I don't have any scientific proof, AND yet, I know in my heart of hearts, kids run on a different thermometer system. They simply are not as cold.  Truly.  Say the parent / child relationship can only handle 3 nags a day and one or two terse words, why waste it on a hat?  Why?  Take a minute, really think about it.  We are going to waste our perfectly good parenting mojo on a hat on a kid who is going outside to walk to the bus for 10 minutes in weather that is 36 degrees?  Let's save our nag for something better - practicing piano, writing that thank you note, clearing the dishwasher.  Have faith in kids that they can monitor their own bodies semi-effectively.

4.  That said, please go ahead and be overbearing on a long winter hike, on a ski trip, on a dangerously cold day.  Maintain the firm and friendly tone (be overbearing, nicely).  Save it up for when it really matters.

The point of organized parenting is that we decrease the friction points in our house and family.  This little, innocent, seasonal bin of goodies provides a short exercise for us to practice some of these skills and see if you can't warm up your relationship over mittens and gloves and hats, oh my.

This IS Tomorrow

A few months ago I wrote a post about Tips for Time Management and I think now is a great time to revisit the 5 Global Tips. Two weeks ago we made all our New Years Resolutions.  I don't know about you, but I had so much resolve and enthusiasm as I set a great 'get healthy' resolution over that very last plate of nachos with the works and an icy cold IPA on December 31st.  I could see it, I just knew I'd have time to make 7 healthy meals a week.  That extra cheese would give me the energy in mid-January to never eat another carb.  The second IPA would super charge my motivation to work out at 5:30 am 3x a week.  Are you with me?  Do you feel it?  That moment of exultation, "I will be a better version of myself, tomorrow, right after I eat the teeniest bit of Ben n Jerry's because I won't have ANY MORE ice cream starting . . . . TOMORROW."

This is TOMORROW.  We still love carbs, we still want, nay, deserve that extra 45 minutes of sleep, we want to use our credit card, just this one last time, the kids will be fine if the screens are on for another 20 minutes.  What to do? What to do?  Shall we use the 5 Global  Tips for our resolutions?

Be Realistic:  You are who you are.  If you are a procrastinator, if you are a secret night eater, if you are always late, if you can't throw out anything, if you nag too much, this is who you are.  Start there and take a step toward change.  It's the journey that transforms us, not the destination.

Start with Yourself:  Guys, if your resolution was to not procrastinate, then don't procrastinate by nagging your kids not to procrastinate.  If your resolution was to workout regularly, don't ask your spouse what their workout schedule for the week is.  If your resolution is to get places on time, then get in the car calmly on time and don't run around screaming at your kids that they are ruining your resolution by being 4 years old and pokey.

If it Ain't Broke, Don't Fix it:  Did you resolve to do something you have already mastered?  Hmmmm . . . . something to think about. 

Less is More:  Focus on one resolution, transformation, change at a time.  Success and mastery will breed more success and mastery.  Overwhelm will breed frustration and quitting.

Start with Today:  Everyday can be January 1.  If you broke every resolution, well, have a good laugh with yourself and get back on the band wagon.  Show up, do your best and in a pinch, go halfsies.  If you just can't resist those corn chips, eat only 1/2 the bag and give the other 1/2 away.  If you can't face that 45 minutes at the gym, search for a 15 minute workout online, and here's the clincher, DO the 15 minute workout.  If you can't face cleaning out the whole closet, just clean up the what's on the floor.

Snow Days that don't Blow Days

Photo by Sam Edwards/OJO Images / Getty Images

Winter blew through this morning in DC and got me thinking about getting ready for the inevitable snow day or sick day.  The skills needed to get through, nay enjoy, a snow day are found in both our parenting and organizing buckets.

1.  Emotion Management:  Kids will be thrilled, parents might be devastated when the snow day is called.  Being the CEO in da house, it's our job to chill and not convince kids the minute they wake up that it's the perfect time to write thank you notes, tidy up legos, get a leg up on SAT studying or clear the dishwasher.  Let them have their moment, even if you aren't feeling it.  (This might just be me, I hear there are parents out there that LOVE to stay in their jammies all day and thoroughly enjoy a day off, if you are one of them, stop reading now and go enjoy!  Or better yet, write a comment to advise us high strung parents on how to love it!).

2.  A Little of This, a Little of That:  Instead of chucking all order on snow days (or sick days), loosely order your day.  Have a media hour (or two), have a quiet hour (or two), have an outside hour (or two), have a house hold tidy up (or de-clutter, or help cook) 20 minutes (do this three times and you get to your one hour).  Loosey goosey structure is the name of the game, not no goosey structure.

3.  If you have little ones you can make cookies or play dough, here's a recipe! Let them make a fort, consider letting them keep it up longer then one day.  Also, be sure fort deconstruction is part of fort making.  Good life lesson - if you get it out, you have to put it away.

4.  Outside, outside, outside:  Everyone should definitely get outside, we need the vitamin D, if it takes 45 minutes to locate both mittens, find the hats, try on the snow pants, and then you are outside for only 10 minutes. . . it's worth it.  It's almost ALWAYS worth it to go outside and get some fresh air and natural light.  

5.  BEFORE you go outside: get your beach towels you aren't using (because it's winter) and lay them all over the front hallway.  That way when you come in happy and rosy cheeked your house will be ready to receive all the snowy shoes and boots and mittens without you tip toeing and yelling and doing gymnastics to avoid wetness on the floor.

They are Gonna Cry . . .

Strong emotions happen! To all of us. . . .

Guys, if you have a baby or toddler, they are gonna cry, more then once a day, for sure.  If you have an elementary school age kid they are gonna be disappointed about something they got, or didn't get, or their friend got for the holidays.  If you have tweens and teens, they are going to roll their eyes and ditch you for their friends and think some of the gifts you gave them are for losers. What's a grown up to do . . . here's my holiday gift to you.

1.  Emotions last for about 90 seconds: WHAT? Yes, an emotion lasts for about 90 seconds and the feeling and drama lasts if we fan the flames (keep talking it through, work on convincing someone to feel differently then they feel, try to squish and squash what we are feeling) it can go on and on for hours (we've all been there, you know what I'm saying) if we nurture it.  But the original feeling, 90 SECONDS people.

2. Endure ad Carry On:  We focus so much on happy and content and satisfied, we forget that some of the handiest emotions to try on are enduring something or tolerating something.  This holiday, can we endure a kids disappointment (not squish it, or talk him out of it, or yell it out of her), and carry on with what needs to happen next (peel the potatoes, get in the car, finish watching Elf)?  We can help our kids tolerate or endure that dorky gift, or the gift that ALL their friends got and they didn't.

3.  Sometimes the best stories later are the most emotional now, please take a minute and re-read the Blooper Reel, only if you have time.  I'm not suggesting you freak out on purpose, but if anyone does, just remember all across America, you can rest assured that someone else is totally losing their mind too.  It's the short days, it's the traffic, it's the carb overload.

In summary, our emotions and their emotions last 90 seconds.  We don't have to fix it, or like it, or change it, we can endure and tolerate it.  Once the storm passes we can get back to holiday cheer and those never ending carbs!

Calgon, Take Me Away!

Photo by Comstock Images/Stockbyte / Getty Images

Are we there yet folks? Are we stressed?  Did we procrastinate on all the same things this year that we procrastinated on last year?  So funny how we keep bumping into ourselves, but no time for self-reflection . . . it's down and dirty this week. 

1.  If you're ordering stuff online, stop reading and GO, GO, GO!!! 

2.  Buy gifts that you know will be fine (not perfect, not super thoughtful, not the most creative) for the person.  We are past the angsting expiration date.  Good enough is good enough.  I know I'd be just fine with an uncreative and non -personal i tunes gift card, wouldn't you?

3. It's ok to take a year off of holiday cards, trips home, trips to in laws, that gingerbread house party, the neighborhood caroling party or some other holiday tradition that might be more fun next year (winky face).  

4.  Please re-read Expectations: 101 and Expectations: A Practicum.

5.  Remember to be grateful, take 2 seconds and look at If the World Were 100 People, it puts some of our irrational holiday habits in perspective.

Baby It’s Cluttered Inside . . . . I Really Can’t Stay . . .

Photo by Comstock/Stockbyte / Getty Images

Right before the holidays is the perfect time to de-clutter, purge and get your house in order.  I hear you people, “Paige, we are too busy.  Paige (whining voice, yes adults whine just as much as children), I haven’t even BEEN shopping, I have to do holiday cards.   Paige, I don’t wanna!”   

1.     Hardly anyone wants to de-clutter, don’t wait for inspiration.  Please re-read The Most Exciting Nifty Tip . . . . Possibly . . . Ever.

2.     Inspiration will come WHILE you are de-cluttering, NOT before.

3.     The time compression will HELP you not HARM you.  If you have to clean out that closet in 30 minutes you will spend a lot less time thinking about, considering, weighing options, and making perfect choices. 

4.     Interacting with all your stuff, all your spouses stuff, all your kids stuff will inform your holiday shopping.  If you like hanging it up, picking it up, stepping on it, containing it . . . well then, you will buy more.  If all that bugs you . . . . well . . . you shall re-consider stuff as gifts.  Check out Fly Lady for clutter free gift giving inspiration.

5.     We are entering the stay indoors part of the year.  Remember school holidays, snow days, and sick days are upon us.  Won’t you be nicer to your kids, to your spouse, to yourself if your home is more orderly and de-cluttered?

Let me know if you need any help!  I’m here for you.

You can SET a Limit, but can you UPHOLD a Limit?

This is not a direct translation, but it always cracks me up . . . watch the clip and then let's discuss. . . . 

Setting limits can be tricky.  Some of us set too many limits,  which we spend all our parenting mojo upholding. Some of us set too few limits, and just throw up our hands and say, 'kids will be kids'. Some of us are snipers up in our parenting watch tower and we surprise them with our sharpshooting, random, out of the blue limits.  Some of us are all, "Limits, what's a limit?"

Here are just a very few tricks of the limit setting (and limit upholding) trade:

1. Set fewer limits AND uphold them (I know . . . so much easier said than done)
2. Let people in your house know the limit in advance, the sharpshooter limit setter is to be used sparingly.
3. Uphold limits in a firm and friendly manner.  Not too mean, not too appeasing.
4. Limits work best if they are for EVERYONE.  Screen free time for the whole family.  Soda only on the weekend, for everyone.  No food in the tv room, and that means you too.
5. Limits work better in a village setting, talk to other parents and work on setting community limits. 
6. Listen and heed your children, their input is important. Think of it as practice in using their own brakes, they will need them in college.

The Pioneer Spirit

Tragically, this post is not about my beloved Laura Ingalls, but about parenting in the digital age.  We are the Pioneer Parents guys.  Our parents had one (or maybe 3) tv sets to monitor and 7 channels.  Oh, those were the simple days, those were the easy days . . . how do we parent with devices and electronics, and school provided i pads and laptops all filled with endless, endless content?  

This is truly one of the most talked about topics in parenting classes these days and so let's circle the wagons and work together to both stay safe and explore this new, beautiful, scary and unknown terrain.

1.  Model what you want to see.  Anyone out there obsessed with e-mail checking, what about Facebooking or checking texts, just this once, just at this red light.  PEOPLE, we can't expect our kids to do what we can't.

2.  Set up, maintain and uphold firm bedtime limits on devices and put them to sleep either somewhere central, or your own bedroom.  The sooner you set this up, the less grumbling kiddos have about this limit.  The blue light devices should be turned off at least an hour before bed.  If your kid tells you that EVERY OTHER KID gets their phone in their room, tell them to call me.  I'll discuss it with them.

3.  Get yourself educated.

 Family Online Safety Institute "provides tips, tools and rules to confidently navigate the online world with your kids".  They also are engaged in research and host conferences.

Common Sense Media  "Dedicated to helping kids thrive in a world of media and technology.  We empower parents, teachers and policy makers by providing unbiased information, trusted advice, and innovative tools to help them harness the power of media and technology as a positive force in all kids' lives."

Parent Encouragement Program offers classes and workshops on parenting and continues to add more and more classes, talks and workshops on how to parent in the digital age.  Tonight (11.19.14)  PEP is offering Smart Phones & the Connected Child

4.  Circle the Wagons.  Share information with other parents, work to set similar limits with the families on your block, in your neighborhood, at you schools.  Keep talking to your kids and your partner.  No one knows exactly what to do, no one knows where this all ends up, you do not have to have all the answers.  

Stay safe out there guys.  Go explore, check in, circle back to the known world, go back out again and let me know what you discover!

Underused Parenting Tool: THe PreFrontal Cortex

Pre Frontal Cortex - Your Resident CEO

It's pretty common knowledge that our brains are not fully wired until our mid to late 20's. The area of the brain last to develop is the prefrontal cortex, the CEO's of our brain.  Here's a partial list of the things it can do:

• differentiate among conflicting thoughts

• determine future consequences of current activities

• predict outcomes

• modulate strong emotions

Any of us over the age of 25 have a fully working CEO up there, somewhere, in our heads. Most of our kids are under 25, and therefore do NOT have a fully functional, or reliable CEO up there in their brains. Finally a tool we have that they don't!

Let's meet briefly with a CEO and hear what they have to say :  

WITH YOUR KIDS: Hi, this is your CEO. I saw again that your four-year-old lost it at the grocery store after after-care. May I remind you, gently and with compassion, your four-year-old will soon turn five and then might be able to tolerate the grocery store after after-care. But for now, just do your shopping on the weekends. If you absolutely need that quart of milk, please, please, don't freak out over your four year old predictably freaking out.

WITH ANOTHER ADULT: Last Saturday your spouse was late (again) to the soccer game. I know you have a lot of terrific time management techniques that would be super helpful for them. However, people (spouses, partners, babysitters, parents, friends, anyone) cannot receive your excellent advice and superior life strategies right after they have made a mistake, or if you are angry. I'm here to help you modulate your strong emotions and wait until some time has passed. When you have some privacy, and everyone is calm you can more effectively tackle the 'often late' problem. Otherwise, as CEO, I predict you might have the same fight over and over.

WITH YOURSELF: Finally, feel free to call on me each and every morning to help you, determine future consequences of current activities and/or differentiate among conflicting thoughts. It's ok if you want to hit the snooze button. I know it's dark in the morning and you totally deserve that extra 10 minutes of shut eye. However, if you check in with me, I will remind you that the morning ride might be bumpy. I will tell you, ever so gently, that the current feeling of snuggly happiness might not be worth a yelling and rushing morning before your big meeting today.  

Our CEO's are here for us when we remember to engage with them. So take a second, go to the bathroom, have a quick board meeting with your prefrontal cortex. When it’s engaged we can usually solve problems more effectively and productively.