This IS Tomorrow

A few months ago I wrote a post about Tips for Time Management and I think now is a great time to revisit the 5 Global Tips. Two weeks ago we made all our New Years Resolutions.  I don't know about you, but I had so much resolve and enthusiasm as I set a great 'get healthy' resolution over that very last plate of nachos with the works and an icy cold IPA on December 31st.  I could see it, I just knew I'd have time to make 7 healthy meals a week.  That extra cheese would give me the energy in mid-January to never eat another carb.  The second IPA would super charge my motivation to work out at 5:30 am 3x a week.  Are you with me?  Do you feel it?  That moment of exultation, "I will be a better version of myself, tomorrow, right after I eat the teeniest bit of Ben n Jerry's because I won't have ANY MORE ice cream starting . . . . TOMORROW."

This is TOMORROW.  We still love carbs, we still want, nay, deserve that extra 45 minutes of sleep, we want to use our credit card, just this one last time, the kids will be fine if the screens are on for another 20 minutes.  What to do? What to do?  Shall we use the 5 Global  Tips for our resolutions?

Be Realistic:  You are who you are.  If you are a procrastinator, if you are a secret night eater, if you are always late, if you can't throw out anything, if you nag too much, this is who you are.  Start there and take a step toward change.  It's the journey that transforms us, not the destination.

Start with Yourself:  Guys, if your resolution was to not procrastinate, then don't procrastinate by nagging your kids not to procrastinate.  If your resolution was to workout regularly, don't ask your spouse what their workout schedule for the week is.  If your resolution is to get places on time, then get in the car calmly on time and don't run around screaming at your kids that they are ruining your resolution by being 4 years old and pokey.

If it Ain't Broke, Don't Fix it:  Did you resolve to do something you have already mastered?  Hmmmm . . . . something to think about. 

Less is More:  Focus on one resolution, transformation, change at a time.  Success and mastery will breed more success and mastery.  Overwhelm will breed frustration and quitting.

Start with Today:  Everyday can be January 1.  If you broke every resolution, well, have a good laugh with yourself and get back on the band wagon.  Show up, do your best and in a pinch, go halfsies.  If you just can't resist those corn chips, eat only 1/2 the bag and give the other 1/2 away.  If you can't face that 45 minutes at the gym, search for a 15 minute workout online, and here's the clincher, DO the 15 minute workout.  If you can't face cleaning out the whole closet, just clean up the what's on the floor.

Snow Days that don't Blow Days

Photo by Sam Edwards/OJO Images / Getty Images

Winter blew through this morning in DC and got me thinking about getting ready for the inevitable snow day or sick day.  The skills needed to get through, nay enjoy, a snow day are found in both our parenting and organizing buckets.

1.  Emotion Management:  Kids will be thrilled, parents might be devastated when the snow day is called.  Being the CEO in da house, it's our job to chill and not convince kids the minute they wake up that it's the perfect time to write thank you notes, tidy up legos, get a leg up on SAT studying or clear the dishwasher.  Let them have their moment, even if you aren't feeling it.  (This might just be me, I hear there are parents out there that LOVE to stay in their jammies all day and thoroughly enjoy a day off, if you are one of them, stop reading now and go enjoy!  Or better yet, write a comment to advise us high strung parents on how to love it!).

2.  A Little of This, a Little of That:  Instead of chucking all order on snow days (or sick days), loosely order your day.  Have a media hour (or two), have a quiet hour (or two), have an outside hour (or two), have a house hold tidy up (or de-clutter, or help cook) 20 minutes (do this three times and you get to your one hour).  Loosey goosey structure is the name of the game, not no goosey structure.

3.  If you have little ones you can make cookies or play dough, here's a recipe! Let them make a fort, consider letting them keep it up longer then one day.  Also, be sure fort deconstruction is part of fort making.  Good life lesson - if you get it out, you have to put it away.

4.  Outside, outside, outside:  Everyone should definitely get outside, we need the vitamin D, if it takes 45 minutes to locate both mittens, find the hats, try on the snow pants, and then you are outside for only 10 minutes. . . it's worth it.  It's almost ALWAYS worth it to go outside and get some fresh air and natural light.  

5.  BEFORE you go outside: get your beach towels you aren't using (because it's winter) and lay them all over the front hallway.  That way when you come in happy and rosy cheeked your house will be ready to receive all the snowy shoes and boots and mittens without you tip toeing and yelling and doing gymnastics to avoid wetness on the floor.

They are Gonna Cry . . .

Strong emotions happen! To all of us. . . .

Guys, if you have a baby or toddler, they are gonna cry, more then once a day, for sure.  If you have an elementary school age kid they are gonna be disappointed about something they got, or didn't get, or their friend got for the holidays.  If you have tweens and teens, they are going to roll their eyes and ditch you for their friends and think some of the gifts you gave them are for losers. What's a grown up to do . . . here's my holiday gift to you.

1.  Emotions last for about 90 seconds: WHAT? Yes, an emotion lasts for about 90 seconds and the feeling and drama lasts if we fan the flames (keep talking it through, work on convincing someone to feel differently then they feel, try to squish and squash what we are feeling) it can go on and on for hours (we've all been there, you know what I'm saying) if we nurture it.  But the original feeling, 90 SECONDS people.

2. Endure ad Carry On:  We focus so much on happy and content and satisfied, we forget that some of the handiest emotions to try on are enduring something or tolerating something.  This holiday, can we endure a kids disappointment (not squish it, or talk him out of it, or yell it out of her), and carry on with what needs to happen next (peel the potatoes, get in the car, finish watching Elf)?  We can help our kids tolerate or endure that dorky gift, or the gift that ALL their friends got and they didn't.

3.  Sometimes the best stories later are the most emotional now, please take a minute and re-read the Blooper Reel, only if you have time.  I'm not suggesting you freak out on purpose, but if anyone does, just remember all across America, you can rest assured that someone else is totally losing their mind too.  It's the short days, it's the traffic, it's the carb overload.

In summary, our emotions and their emotions last 90 seconds.  We don't have to fix it, or like it, or change it, we can endure and tolerate it.  Once the storm passes we can get back to holiday cheer and those never ending carbs!

Calgon, Take Me Away!

Photo by Comstock Images/Stockbyte / Getty Images

Are we there yet folks? Are we stressed?  Did we procrastinate on all the same things this year that we procrastinated on last year?  So funny how we keep bumping into ourselves, but no time for self-reflection . . . it's down and dirty this week. 

1.  If you're ordering stuff online, stop reading and GO, GO, GO!!! 

2.  Buy gifts that you know will be fine (not perfect, not super thoughtful, not the most creative) for the person.  We are past the angsting expiration date.  Good enough is good enough.  I know I'd be just fine with an uncreative and non -personal i tunes gift card, wouldn't you?

3. It's ok to take a year off of holiday cards, trips home, trips to in laws, that gingerbread house party, the neighborhood caroling party or some other holiday tradition that might be more fun next year (winky face).  

4.  Please re-read Expectations: 101 and Expectations: A Practicum.

5.  Remember to be grateful, take 2 seconds and look at If the World Were 100 People, it puts some of our irrational holiday habits in perspective.

Baby It’s Cluttered Inside . . . . I Really Can’t Stay . . .

Photo by Comstock/Stockbyte / Getty Images

Right before the holidays is the perfect time to de-clutter, purge and get your house in order.  I hear you people, “Paige, we are too busy.  Paige (whining voice, yes adults whine just as much as children), I haven’t even BEEN shopping, I have to do holiday cards.   Paige, I don’t wanna!”   

1.     Hardly anyone wants to de-clutter, don’t wait for inspiration.  Please re-read The Most Exciting Nifty Tip . . . . Possibly . . . Ever.

2.     Inspiration will come WHILE you are de-cluttering, NOT before.

3.     The time compression will HELP you not HARM you.  If you have to clean out that closet in 30 minutes you will spend a lot less time thinking about, considering, weighing options, and making perfect choices. 

4.     Interacting with all your stuff, all your spouses stuff, all your kids stuff will inform your holiday shopping.  If you like hanging it up, picking it up, stepping on it, containing it . . . well then, you will buy more.  If all that bugs you . . . . well . . . you shall re-consider stuff as gifts.  Check out Fly Lady for clutter free gift giving inspiration.

5.     We are entering the stay indoors part of the year.  Remember school holidays, snow days, and sick days are upon us.  Won’t you be nicer to your kids, to your spouse, to yourself if your home is more orderly and de-cluttered?

Let me know if you need any help!  I’m here for you.

You can SET a Limit, but can you UPHOLD a Limit?

This is not a direct translation, but it always cracks me up . . . watch the clip and then let's discuss. . . . 

Setting limits can be tricky.  Some of us set too many limits,  which we spend all our parenting mojo upholding. Some of us set too few limits, and just throw up our hands and say, 'kids will be kids'. Some of us are snipers up in our parenting watch tower and we surprise them with our sharpshooting, random, out of the blue limits.  Some of us are all, "Limits, what's a limit?"

Here are just a very few tricks of the limit setting (and limit upholding) trade:

1. Set fewer limits AND uphold them (I know . . . so much easier said than done)
2. Let people in your house know the limit in advance, the sharpshooter limit setter is to be used sparingly.
3. Uphold limits in a firm and friendly manner.  Not too mean, not too appeasing.
4. Limits work best if they are for EVERYONE.  Screen free time for the whole family.  Soda only on the weekend, for everyone.  No food in the tv room, and that means you too.
5. Limits work better in a village setting, talk to other parents and work on setting community limits. 
6. Listen and heed your children, their input is important. Think of it as practice in using their own brakes, they will need them in college.

The Pioneer Spirit

Tragically, this post is not about my beloved Laura Ingalls, but about parenting in the digital age.  We are the Pioneer Parents guys.  Our parents had one (or maybe 3) tv sets to monitor and 7 channels.  Oh, those were the simple days, those were the easy days . . . how do we parent with devices and electronics, and school provided i pads and laptops all filled with endless, endless content?  

This is truly one of the most talked about topics in parenting classes these days and so let's circle the wagons and work together to both stay safe and explore this new, beautiful, scary and unknown terrain.

1.  Model what you want to see.  Anyone out there obsessed with e-mail checking, what about Facebooking or checking texts, just this once, just at this red light.  PEOPLE, we can't expect our kids to do what we can't.

2.  Set up, maintain and uphold firm bedtime limits on devices and put them to sleep either somewhere central, or your own bedroom.  The sooner you set this up, the less grumbling kiddos have about this limit.  The blue light devices should be turned off at least an hour before bed.  If your kid tells you that EVERY OTHER KID gets their phone in their room, tell them to call me.  I'll discuss it with them.

3.  Get yourself educated.

 Family Online Safety Institute "provides tips, tools and rules to confidently navigate the online world with your kids".  They also are engaged in research and host conferences.

Common Sense Media  "Dedicated to helping kids thrive in a world of media and technology.  We empower parents, teachers and policy makers by providing unbiased information, trusted advice, and innovative tools to help them harness the power of media and technology as a positive force in all kids' lives."

Parent Encouragement Program offers classes and workshops on parenting and continues to add more and more classes, talks and workshops on how to parent in the digital age.  Tonight (11.19.14)  PEP is offering Smart Phones & the Connected Child

4.  Circle the Wagons.  Share information with other parents, work to set similar limits with the families on your block, in your neighborhood, at you schools.  Keep talking to your kids and your partner.  No one knows exactly what to do, no one knows where this all ends up, you do not have to have all the answers.  

Stay safe out there guys.  Go explore, check in, circle back to the known world, go back out again and let me know what you discover!

Underused Parenting Tool: THe PreFrontal Cortex

Pre Frontal Cortex - Your Resident CEO

It's pretty common knowledge that our brains are not fully wired until our mid to late 20's. The area of the brain last to develop is the prefrontal cortex, the CEO's of our brain.  Here's a partial list of the things it can do:

• differentiate among conflicting thoughts

• determine future consequences of current activities

• predict outcomes

• modulate strong emotions

Any of us over the age of 25 have a fully working CEO up there, somewhere, in our heads. Most of our kids are under 25, and therefore do NOT have a fully functional, or reliable CEO up there in their brains. Finally a tool we have that they don't!

Let's meet briefly with a CEO and hear what they have to say :  

WITH YOUR KIDS: Hi, this is your CEO. I saw again that your four-year-old lost it at the grocery store after after-care. May I remind you, gently and with compassion, your four-year-old will soon turn five and then might be able to tolerate the grocery store after after-care. But for now, just do your shopping on the weekends. If you absolutely need that quart of milk, please, please, don't freak out over your four year old predictably freaking out.

WITH ANOTHER ADULT: Last Saturday your spouse was late (again) to the soccer game. I know you have a lot of terrific time management techniques that would be super helpful for them. However, people (spouses, partners, babysitters, parents, friends, anyone) cannot receive your excellent advice and superior life strategies right after they have made a mistake, or if you are angry. I'm here to help you modulate your strong emotions and wait until some time has passed. When you have some privacy, and everyone is calm you can more effectively tackle the 'often late' problem. Otherwise, as CEO, I predict you might have the same fight over and over.

WITH YOURSELF: Finally, feel free to call on me each and every morning to help you, determine future consequences of current activities and/or differentiate among conflicting thoughts. It's ok if you want to hit the snooze button. I know it's dark in the morning and you totally deserve that extra 10 minutes of shut eye. However, if you check in with me, I will remind you that the morning ride might be bumpy. I will tell you, ever so gently, that the current feeling of snuggly happiness might not be worth a yelling and rushing morning before your big meeting today.  

Our CEO's are here for us when we remember to engage with them. So take a second, go to the bathroom, have a quick board meeting with your prefrontal cortex. When it’s engaged we can usually solve problems more effectively and productively.

Clearing the Way . . .

When I started helping clients get organized (way back in 1998), and when I started leading parenting classes (in 2006,) never did I think these two things were connected. I organized so I could stay home with the kids and to be honest, I still get a thrill from cleaning out a kitchen drawer.  Don't judge me until you try it. Every time you open that kitchen drawer (for a few months at least), your heart sings like an angel.  

I started leading parenting classes because I discovered that while I was in parenting classes I was a firmer and friendlier parent (not too strict, not too wishy washy). I remembered to train children. I took the time to listen to them. Sometimes I stopped myself from trying to teach in the heat of an angry moment (no one can learn when they are angry or being attacked). And just like the participants I went understanding that I didn’t have to be perfect. I just had to show up, try, laugh and encourage.

When I wanted the house neater, instead of demanding, convincing or nagging, I worked on the relationship. I listened more. I took the time to watch favorite YouTube videos. I noticed their contributions and let them know I appreciated them. When I felt the relationship straining, I decluttered my desk, or their cubby, our calendar and often times a surge of positive feelings flowed through the newly opened and de-cluttered space. Magic!

5 Global Tips for Time Management

I have five GLOBAL TIPS to use in any organizing or parenting dilemma, problem or situation. They work for your closet, your calendar, your junk drawer. Today I'm using them for Time Management.

Be Realistic:  The time you have is the time you have. Your current reality may be that you can cook a home made dinner only a couple times a week. You can't add more hours to the day so ease up and avoid adding unrealistic expectations to an already stressed out week.

Start with Yourself:  Get yourself up a 1/2 hour earlier, get your clothes laid out, get your bag packed the night before, charge your phone. AFTER you get this to be a habit, start helping everyone else.

If it Ain't Broke, Don't Fix it:  Don't take any advice if things are working. For example, if you get up after your kids and each morning works, and you aren't late, and you don't yell at anyone . . . bada boo, bada bing, you are done. Don't fix what ain't broke.

Less is More:  Really, in every area of our life these days, less is more. Less activities, less rushing.  Add in white space, give yourself wiggle room . . . it feels so good!

Start with Today:  Start with today. Don't worry about yesterday, and don't think there is some tomorrow where you can get everything done on your list. Just for today think about the fact that there is always traffic on the beltway, your four-year-old can't handle errands after day care, you need your yoga class to be a better parent.

Too Much of a Good Thing

"Don't make your brief too long, dearest.  The court will appreciate it much more if they don't grow weary over reading it.  Many a good thing is spoiled by there being too much of it.” — Nelly Taft, First Lady of the United States

Some of you know that President Taft liked too much of a quite a few things. Nelly has a good point for all of us to consider, many a good thing IS spoiled by there being too much of it. Here are a few things I run across in organizing and parenting. Any of them resonate with you?

1.  Choices: Choices are a wonderful parenting tool, but in my experience it can be overused and they certainly can’t solve all our problems. Choices don't make children behave, or stop them from having strong emotions or a melt down. Ease up on the choices you give your kids. Maybe even ease up on the choices you give yourselves. You will reduce decision fatigue and open yourself up to more solutions to your parenting problems.

2.  Ideas:  Generating new and fabulous ideas can be draining and lead us down too many paths. Then we can never get to where we actually want to go. Some ideas are better thrown back in the lake than added to an already full barrel of fish.

3.  Caffeine: Tragically, we can have too much coffee (or tea, or diet coke, or chocolate).

4.  Books:  Ugh . . . this is such a hard one for people.  You can have too many books.  Whatever doesn't fit on our bookshelves (and I mean lined up neatly, not jammed in willy nilly) are too many books. The holding on to the book does not make us smarter, wiser or more accomplished. (I know you are outraged, but just let it sink in, we can talk more about books later.)  

5.  Social Engagements:  Too much can really be too much. Do we have white space in our schedule?  Is their time for magical, unplanned moments to occur? Do we wear down our relationships by rushing, nagging and making people do things they don't necessarily want to do? Experiment with some unscheduled time, or more time between things. When we are not in rush we might just talk nicer, our backs could feel better and we might enjoy our kids more.  It’s worth a try!

Expectations 101

Don’t you always feel like the beginning of September is a “New Years Resolution” time?  I’m totally not going to nag, I will plan and make dinner 5 out of 7 nights, I will introduce new veggies. I vow to change bed time, and I double pinkie promise to never yell at my 4 year old, ever again, about baths. I took that parenting class so I got this whole thing covered. My son will study French every day for 20 minutes. I will remind him once, and I will not repeat that reminder. I will deliver said reminder in a friendly and encouraging tone.  This will most definitely work. My son will study French because of my superior and evolved communication skills. Ca c’est tres bon! I WILL go to bed every night at a reasonable hour.

Now it’s October, we’ve had four weeks or so of a fresh start, how’s it going? Did you meet with some success?  Even though you got a new parenting map, do you find yourself back in the forest of nagging and yelling?   

If you are like me, your intentions are awesome, but implementation is a bit trickier. I want to share a cool Adlerian concept: we have our expectations (the way life should be) and we have our reality (the way life is) and all our anxiety and negativity and angst lives right in the space between. The way to lessen our anxiety and angst is to nudge each section a teensy weeny bit closer together. We lower our expectations: bedtime with four year olds are bumpy and annoying. I will plan to be out of the house one night a week and let my partner take one night off a week. Then we raise our reality: I will start bedtime ½ hour earlier. I will be consistent with the timing. I will strategize with my partner to ensure we deliver the same firm and friendly bedtime message. 

Expectations are nudged a bit to the left and reality is scooted a teeny bit to the right.  Then you minimize (not eliminate) the amount of anxiety and angst you have over any issue that is hard and challenging.  Remember, the name of the game is progress not perfection.

The MOST exciting Nifty Tip . . . Possibly. . . EVER!

Are you reading?  Do I have your attention?  Ok guys, I lied. A giant obstacle to organized living is that we tend to avoid  any task that smells like a low priority, boring or beneath us.  Things like, oh . . . . making the bed, training children how to do a task, filing paperwork, purging toys, cleaning out basements, deleting our e-mails.  I get it, I understand and you know what, we CAN DO BORING THINGS.  Here's a quick list of boring things to do this week that will make our tomorrows better and possible exciting. 

1.  Organize your current year taxes to date. Make a file. Get charities in order. Update your Quicken (or quick books). Gather receipts.  20 minutes today will make the next April 15th a breeze. Your future self will thank me.

2.  Create a holiday list - hand write or fancy spreadsheet, no matter. Think about gifts, budgets, travel plans, house improvements to make before the in laws come, decorations, etc. 30 minutes now will make the next holiday season less excruciating.  No matter whether it’s February or November, getting planning gives you peace.

3.  Run into Chipotle, Starbucks and other various stores and stock up on gift cards. That way you will have a bunch at the ready for whoever you don't want to forget! Giving to others gives us so much. It doesn’t have to be complicated or perfect to be meaningful.

4.  This is sad, and needs to be said, buy condolence cards and keep them at hand. When something sad happens you want to be able to send a quick hug in the mail without procrastinating. Our good wishes mean a lot to those we love who are in pain, they will be comforted.

5.  Take a walk. Walking is boring and walking gets the exercise job done. Research shows that it only takes 11 minutes to impact your longevity. Plus it re-boots your brain and increases patience.

Boring things planted today grow into better things tomorrow.

Recipe for Taco Night

Over a decade ago, when I had, let's say a 7 year old and a 5 year old, my husband looked at me and said, "I don't want Friday night dinners to be stressful.  Can we just have things we KNOW the kids like?"  Voila!  . . . .  Taco Night was born and you know what? It WORKED and I loved it. Presently, Tacos Nights are a thing of the past, replaced by Chipotle night (teens only, no adults necessary), soccer games, and school dances. As I was sitting alone on my deck one recent Friday night, drinking a beer, I thought wistfully back to the recipe that was Taco Night.  Shall we review?

1. Begin with a brimming cup of tradition and consistency. Kids love to know what to expect and thrive on rhythm and routine.

2.  Add friends and maybe mix in a fun relative, not every time, but guests can help keep the meal fresh. 

3.  Plop a cup of carrots in the food processor (not the shredding attachment, the regular one) and once you add in the taco spices, and maybe a can of black beans to the skillet . . . .bada boo, bada bing, a full meal; veggies, fiber, protein and all in one crunchy Stand & Stuff taco shell.

4.  Take out the beans (at constant request of a certain youngest child).

5.  Fold in a sleepover (I love children marching up from sleepovers in our basement. If you are super quiet and don't make eye contact while you stir the pancake batter the next morning, you learn a lot!).

6.  Add a pinch of table topics www.tabletopics.com. Don't over use.

7.  Dice up the chores, but dice imperfectly. Kids love to set the table if you give them the supplies and then look away and shut your mouth. Who cares if it's perfectly neat? So what if all the silverware is in the center of the table?  Salad plates, why not?

8.  Marinate for a decade and look back with misty eyes on the beauty and mystery of kids and tacos and tradition.

We Can't Get to the North Star, PEOPLE!

Woodrow Wilson

Because, although you steer by the North Star, when you have lost the bearings of your compass, you nevertheless must steer in a pathway on the sea, -- you are not bound for the North Star.  

Woodrow Wilson

Here's the the thing, in both parenting and organizing, no matter how hard we try, we are never getting to the North Star. Our idea of a perfect family will help steer us and motivate us, but let's not let it defeat us when we can't actually find our way there. The trouble with aiming for the North Star is we get confused and frustrated when we find ourselves still on the open and choppy sea of family life. The truth is, people living with people is a messy operation and we will never figure it all out. Take a minute to lay on your deck chair and gaze up and see the perfectly nutritious family meals seven days a week, the two polite, neat and respectful children, the on time and grateful spouse and see your own self, calm and serene.  Feel your shoulders relax and sigh and smile.

 Then get up and steer your big old noisy, boisterous and unpredictable boat the best you can!